HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1997 to 8 Feb 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 457 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. English, the Language
  2. Parenthood  -  Part 2 of 3 <clean>
  3. Slips of the Tongue <inoffensive>
  4. Three Conditions <adult>
  5. What is HMO? ( Not offensive to patients)
  6. Biscuits (poor)
  7. The Love Doctor (Sexual)
  8. Birds (1  slightly offensive word)
  9. IRS Tax rule <gross>
 10. Sniglets (not offensive)
 11. The Yankee Horse Story <adult themes, mild language>
 12. In The News - Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 02:52:35 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: English, the Language

*   I got the strangest e-mail the other day.  A female friend and I
  do an awful lot of teasing, and apparently, she thought she had
  offended me.
    She said (and I quote): "Dear Jimmy, I hope you are not angry
  with me.  I want to explain that I was really only joking when I
  told you I didn't mean what I said about reconsidering my decision
  not to change my mind.  Please believe I really mean this !"
                                - - - - -

* Maryland has it's share of bad winter snows, and as usual, the radio
  announcers advise people not to drive during severe conditions.  The
  other month though had to be the topper.  This guy comes on and sez:
  "Please don't do any unnecessary driving unless it's absolutely
  necessary."
                                - - - - -

* Saw a sign in a field recently that I'm still trying to figure out.
  It said: "No Unauthorized Trespassing".
                                - - - - -

*   Not sure I did a buddy of mine much good recently.  He put me as
  a reference for his Top Secret Security Clearance.  I wasn't aware
  that the Secret Service guys have no sense of humor whatever.  It
  seems before they ask ya about the person in question, they ask
  some personal questions about your own background, views, etc.
    This agent, after several preliminary questions about me said,
  "Do you advocate the overthrow of the United States of America by
  subversion or violence ?"
    I paused for effect, then said, "Violence !"
                                - - - - -

* Got one of those financial security ads in the mail the other day.
  This was unique though in its approach.  It advised me that I
  could now borrow enuff money to get completely out of debt.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 12:58:07 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parenthood  -  Part 2 of 3 <clean>

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.
Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare
themselves for the real-life experience of being a  mother or father.

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container , a  ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make
an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place  on the playgroup committee.

Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along  both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,
until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back
into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child
for a walk.

One more....

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 04:41:48 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Slips of the Tongue <inoffensive>

A friend of mine was learning the Indonesian language and thought he was
doing quite well. He decided to make a public prayer in that language. There
two words in Indonesian that sound very simnilar to foreign ears:
"kepala"  [head] and "kelapa" [coconut].  So, of course when he prayed, he
asked them to bow their heads--or did he? Actually he told the congregation,
"Please bow your coconut."

-------------
A humor net friend sent me this one this morning:

Speaking of Church, this one happened to a friend of  mine at his Hign School
graduation.  When he was starting the Benediction he said:

     "Let's all bow our words in a head of prayer."

 Bret

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 10:43:31 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Three Conditions <adult>

THREE CONDITIONS

The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan
Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The
client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is
quite taken aback.  However, she remembers what her boss told her.  Don't
reject the guy outright.  So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the
businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman
says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I
want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200
carat diamond tiara."  The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile.  Then, he nods
his head and says "No problem!!  I buy. I buy."  Realizing that her first
condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a
100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in
the middle of the best wine country in France."

The man pauses for awhile.  He whips out his cellular phone, calls some
brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.  He looks at the
woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay.  I build, I build." Realizing
that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says,
rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a
12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed.  He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table.  All the while, he's muttering something in
Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his
head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 16:35:15 GMT
From:    "Mishra, Aditya" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: What is HMO? ( Not offensive to patients)

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT HEALTH CARE

 Q. What does HMO stand for?
 A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!"  Its roots
    go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
    that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot
    if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces
    the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail
    and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

 Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
 A. No.  Only those you need.

 Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the
    doctor I want?
 A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your
    insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
    participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
    These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no
    longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
    longer part of the plan.  But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who
    is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
    half day's drive away!

 Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
 A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want
    to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be
    pre-stuck with it.

 Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
 A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
 A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
    brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
    What should I do?
 A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap.
    My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd
    already paid my bill.  What should I do?
 A. You have two choices.  Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check
    over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of
    those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like
    windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

 Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
 A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

 Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
 A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing your
    primary care physician.  It's best to wait until you return, and then
    get sick.

 Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
    handle  my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
    transplant right in his office?
 A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
    co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

 Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
 A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

 Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
 A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 17:20:55 +0000
From:    Prophet Elijah <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Biscuits (poor)

Q.      Why was the biscuit homesick?
A.      He'd been a wafer so long

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 09:35:14 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: The Love Doctor (Sexual)


A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex
life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help
them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical
exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am
happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,
roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's
love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room,
toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good
doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case
unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams
and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take
your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot
help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns,
now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop
at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 19:17:58 -0000
From:    John Baggaley <johnbaggaley@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: Birds (1  slightly offensive word)

Two guys walking along the beach :
"What qould you do if a bird sh*t on your head?"
"I wouldn't date her again!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 15:18:40 EST
From:    Larry Barnes <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: IRS Tax rule <gross>

 To:  All Male Taxpayers
 From:  IRS
 RE:  Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
      --------------------------------------------
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis.  This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of
the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the
time it is in the hole.  On top of this it has two dependents, and both
are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1997, your penis will be taxed
according to its size.  To determine your category, please consult the
chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of
your standard 1040 form.

     *12-10 inches --Luxury Tax --$50.00
      10-8 inches --Pole Tax --$30.00
      8-6 inches --Privilege Tax --$15.00
      6-4 inches --Nuisance Tax --$5.00
 Please note: -Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
-Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension
-----------------------------------

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 18:11:28 -0500
From:    Erin <CANF_400@ACCESS.OHIO.GOV>
Subject: Sniglets (not offensive)

Some snipped this out of a newsletter for me...

                                Sniglets
                                ~~~~~~~~
Accordionated - Being able to drive and refold a map at the same time.

Burgacide - When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself
through the grill into the hot coals.

Elbonics - The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a
movie theater.

Pupkus - The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to
it.

Telecrastination - The act of always letting the phone ring twice before
you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 12:59:34 +0530
From:    Devesh Agarwal <jesons@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: The Yankee Horse Story <adult themes, mild language>

A New Yorker after spending some time in Texas decides to open a Western
style saloon in New York.

To add to the effect he also installs a horse in the saloon.

After a few months the horse starts feeling very depressed and is soon very
morose. The saloon owner calls in the best of vets to treat the poor animal
but they are all unsuccessful.

In desperation he puts up a sign in his saloon "Any one who can make my horse
laugh gets $10,000". Many a folk try their level best but no success.

One day a Cowboy walks in to the saloon, sees the sign and walks up to the
horse stall. When he returns, the horse is laughing its guts out. The owner
is ecstatic and quickly pays up.

But horse just will not stop laughing and soon develops a major tummy ache.
Again the owner runs to the vets who are again unsuccessful. And again he
puts up a sign "Any one who can make my horse cry gets $20,000". And just
like before all those who try, try so in vain.

And again one fine day the Cowboy walks in a goes to the stall and returns,
and the horse is weeping his eyes out.

The owner demands to know what happened.

The Cowboy replies ... "The first time I told your horse, Mine is Bigger than
yours. The second time I showed him" :)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 00:50:35 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING: May be offensive to women, OJ Simpson (hang in there, it's
almost over), lawyers, American politicians, America OnLine, animal
lovers (which is to say, people who love animals, NOT the other
kind...) Kato, over paid athletes, seafood restraunts, weather people,
the IRS. Includes reference to illegal drug use.

Well folks, the jury has made a decision. They convicted Bruno Magli.
The guy's shoes are all over the place. (Leno)

The OJ Simpson jury has sent the world a message. If you kill someone
in LA, you're looking at a very stiff fine. (Maher)

OJ will be left with one set of golf clubs so he can continue his
search for the real killer.

The lawyers in the case are still under a temporary gag order. Too bad
it isn't a permanent gag order so we wouldn't have to hear from these
people again.

President Clinton delivered his State of the Union address Tuesday. He
told Congress he needs its help in the war on corruption. The anti-
corruption side is gaining on them. The president emphasized education.
He wants every American student to be able to look at a map and locate
the country that is currently buying his administration.

House Speaker Newt Gingrich held a town hall meeting in his Georgia
district. He has to pay a $300,000 fine to keep his $170,000 a year
job, which cost him $6 million to get. All this so he can reform
government spending...

A McDonald's employee in Connecticut was arrested for selling marijuana
at the drive through window. Parent's wondered why their kids needed
$69.95 for a Happy Meal. Evidence includes audio tapes from the speaker
where customers were ordering hash browns, hold the browns.

Actually, selling marijuana at McDonald's makes sense in California.
When you burn yourself with the scalding hot coffee, you can treat
yourself with some medicinal marijuana. (Leno)

Customers who had problems getting online, can now get a refund from
America OnLine. The only problem is, you have to complete a form...
online...

Punxatawney Phil did not see his shadow on Groundhog Day.
Traditionally, this means spring is just around the corner. And, if
Phil is wrong, his new nickname will be "Stew".

A University of Mihigan study shows that drug and alcohol abuse by
young couples lessens after marriage. Of course, as they sober up comes
the inevitable, "Whadd'ya mean we're married?" The drinking tends to
resume years later when their teenagers start to date and drive.

A couple in Shasta California decided to have their wedding where they
first met - a kindergarten classroom. When the minister said, "You may
now kiss the bride," the groom responded, "Yuk! Cooties!!!"

The NBA has told Dennis Rodman that if he messes up one more time, he
won't be able to play anymore. It's all a part of their get tough, 77
strikes and you're out policy.

The US Fish and Wildlife Service has nominated the 5 inch bog turtle to
the endangered species list. The shelled amphibian can be found in
swamps from Massachusetts to Georgia, and on the seafood sampler at the
Red Lobster.

Today is National Weatherperson's Day. There's a 20% chance no one will
care.

The IRS may turn to outside computer companies to build and operate
systems to read incoming tax returns. Tentatively, the new system will
be called Jump Out Of Windows97.

And finally, a new movie will be based on the old TV series "The Green
Hornet". It's about the Green Hornet and his house guest Kato.

Have a great weekend! (You know, just to please my wife I got in touch
with my feminine side... now I have a yeast infection!)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1997 to 8 Feb 1997
**********************************************
