HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1997 to 7 Feb 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 532 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women jokes (extremely offensive to women)
  2. Moore on Health
  3. Parenthood  -  Part 1 of 3 <clean>
  4. The red ring{swearing}
  5. School Boy Definitions <inoffensive>
  6. Testicle squeezing (off to sensitive testes)
  7. Little Cussin' Johnny <profanity>
  8. fwd:The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)
  9. Real News (clean, adult, pos. offensive to women)
 10. Childhood habits <adult, suggestive>
 11. request from fellow contributors
 12. A Day in History -- for Feb 9
 13. The Saturn Cult (offensive to Saturn owners)
 14. It's A Wacky World <adult - sex>>
 15. No Room at the Hotel

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Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 03:10:02 -0500
From:    David Chapman <Bsball14@AOL.COM>
Subject: Women jokes (extremely offensive to women)

Q: What is the useless flap of skin at the end of a man's penis?

A:  A woman


Q:  Why do women have legs?

A:  So they don't leave a snail trail.


Q:  Why do women have two big holes "down there"?

A:  So you can carry them like a six pack.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 03:19:39 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Health

*   After having a heart attack and bypass, I'm always faithful to my
  Doctor's suggestion to have a complete annual physical, even though
  my cheap-butt Health Insurance doesn't cover it.
    Last year, after spending several hours and $385, I was pronounced
  in very good health but was warned that my bad cholesterol level and
  blood pressure were a "little" high, and to watch my diet more.
     To celebrate, I went to the Hospital's cafeteria, where they have
  a breakfast buffet.  Carrying a plate loaded down with eggs, sausage,
  bacon and home fries, I went to the cashier.  After adding up the
  total, the cashier said, "How ya doing this morning ?"
     I told him I was fine, and that I had just passed my three hour
  annual physical and thought I'd celebrate with a big breakfast.
     He said, "Well, you look plenty healthy to me, but if I were you,
  I'd watch eating like this, because your bad cholesterol and blood
  pressure are probably a 'little' high."
                                - - - - -

* While waiting in the doctor's office for my wife, I overheard two
  older ladies discussing their ailments and medications.  From what I
  was able to gather, the conversation had degenerated into a "can
  you top this?" event.  Finally, one lady, probably seeking to best
  the other once and for all said, "I'm taking a new experimental pill
  that has nothing but severe and terrible side-effects."
                                - - - - -

* Mental heath wise, I figure I'm in pretty good shape because I have
  neither illusions nor delusions.  My problem is that I exist day
  after day in a world of grim reality.
                                - - - - -

* Did ya ever wonder about those people who claim to be suffering from
  inferiority complexes ?  Maybe they don't have a complex at all --
  maybe they really are inferior !
                                - - - - -

* I have this friend who after three years in analysis has made some
  progress at last.  He's finally not all that fussy about the yolks
  being in the exact center of his fried eggs anymore.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 13:35:49 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parenthood  -  Part 1 of 3 <clean>

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.
Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare
themselves for the real-life experience of being a  mother or father.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local
chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly  to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
paper. Read it for the last time.

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
have all the answers.

To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up
at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put
the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and
make a drink. Go to  bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the  alarm
goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get
up. Make breakfast. Keep this  up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind
the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick  your fingers in the
flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?

To be continued...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 20:20:29 +1100
From:    Mike Laidlaw <mikelaid@COMCIRC.COM.AU>
Subject: The red ring{swearing}

One day a man walks into a doctors clinic and says
 "i've got a red ring a round my dick doctor"
 "hmm" says the doctor "try this 3 times a day if
 it doesn't work comeback tommorow. So he goes off
and the next day he comes back " sorry doctor it
didn't work". "Try this instead"  the doctor hands
 him another bottle.

He comes back the next day"thanks doc that worked
like a charm what was it "?

The doctor replied slowly" lip stick remover"!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 04:08:34 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: School Boy Definitions <inoffensive>

School-boy Howlers:

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

  A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees
  is called an obscene triangle.

  The dog ran across the street, emitting whelps
  all the way.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 06:55:41 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: Testicle squeezing (off to sensitive testes)

>>>Village Celebrates Testicle Squeezing Festival
Source: RAI UNO TV, Italy
Submitted by: David Hammond trid@pacbell.com

MILAN (02-02) -- Dressed in traditional wear, boys and men
of the small town of Bagolino end their yearly carnival in
a very unusual celebration: squeezing and touching each
other's testicles.
While the men spend the entire day walking the streets
and touching genitals, the women prepare special porridge-like
meals (polenta) made with flour, cheese, eggs and shaped
to resemble large testicles.
Even the television reporter could not escape the raging
crowds as they rushed towards him in an attempt to bury
their hands between his legs.
Villagers consider testicles to be sacred explaining the words
'testsimoniare' and 'testimone' (to witness) derive from the latin
word 'testis' (testicle). When their ancestors were called as
witnesses they were usually asked to 'swear' on their most
sacred things, most often this being their testicles.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 08:23:11 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Little Cussin' Johnny <profanity>

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of
it.  He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since
Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to
bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of
the gift.

Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here
beside me  when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs,
I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and
when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up
against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile
of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit
around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a
huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad
smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the
bitch."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 11:20:02 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: fwd:The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)

HUM: The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)

Y.O.D.A (To the Village People's "Y.M.C.A")

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 11:29:50 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Real News (clean, adult, pos. offensive to women)

     Wouldn't the full waiting room be a hint?


     UPI 9:27 Feb/06/97

     ORLANDO, Fla., Feb. 6 (UPI) An Orlando, Fla., gynecologist charged
     with sexual battery for allegedly arousing his patients during
     examinations says (Thursday) he never intentionally tried to stimulate
     anyone.  Dr. Pablo Melgarejo claims he has "trigger thumb," a hand
     defect that causes his thumb to move uncontrollably.  The 58-year-old
     doctor was arrested Monday when a patient complained Melgarejo touched
     her in such a way during an exam that she had an orgasm.  Similar
     accusations have been filed by 46 other women and Melgarejo has
     suspended his practice until complaints against him are resolved.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 12:21:15 -0500
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: Childhood habits <adult, suggestive>

     A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
     As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.  He
     watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to
     himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 11:42:16 -0600
From:    "Fatteicher, Lawrence" <Fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject: request from fellow contributors

		[Post deleted for archival purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 13:48:00 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: A Day in History -- for Feb 9

A Day in History -- for Feb 9

William Henry Harrison, 9th president of the United States of America,
was born on this day.

President Harrison has the dual distinction among all the Presidents of
giving the longest inaugural speech and of serving the shortest term of
office. Known to the public as "Old Tippecanoe," the former general of
the Indian campaigns delivered an hour-and-forty-five-minute speech in
a snowstorm. The oath of office was administered on the East Portico of
the Capitol by Chief Justice Roger Taney. The 68-year-old President
stood outside for the entire proceeding, greeted crowds of well-wishers
at the White House later that day, and attended several celebrations
that evening. One month later he died of pneumonia.

............................................
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 13:56:24 -0800
From:    Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: The Saturn Cult (offensive to Saturn owners)

[ This was forwarded to me by someone who owns a Saturn; I don't know
where it came from. ]

ABILENE, TX--After 47 tense days, the standoff between Federal
Bureau of Investigation agents and members of the Saturn Family was
finally broken Monday when an FBI strike team invaded the Saturn
compound and seized 23 cars with their owners inside.

      Agents also captured Mark Schechter, evangelistic car dealer and
self-described "Father of the Saturn Family," who offered agents good
deals on trade-ins upon capture, but has yet to surrender any information
on activities inside the compound.

      "At Saturn, we're a different kind of car company," a handcuffed
Schechter said as FBI officials led him away from the scene.

      According to reports, shortly before 7 a.m., following a night of
the FBI's blaring Three Dog Night's "Joy To The World" over loudspeakers,
heavily armed agents posing as customers burst into the compound, where
they met with little resistance.

      "They were real nice, not pushy at all," said Kurt Harwood, one of
the FBI agents. "They let me walk around and look at whatever I wanted
without pressuring me or giving me the 'hard sell.'  Fortunately, we were
able to overcome them before they could 'answer any questions' that we had."

      Saturn owners captured in the raid are being flown to Washington,
D.C., where they will be interrogated by FBI psychiatric profiling teams
before being deprogrammed for reintroduction to mainstream society.

      "They welcomed me warmly, as if I actually was a member of their
family," recalled a visibly shaken young woman identified only as "Julie,"
one of the car owners rescued in the FBI raid. "After I bought my Saturn
SL-1, there was a ceremony involving the setting of the dashboard clock,
during which Mr. Schechter introduced me to the other family members and
announced that it was my first new car. Everyone kept asking me if I was
'excited.'"

      "Then," Julie continued, "the other owners started advancing upon
me slowly, wearing happy, vacant looks. They seemed almost transfixed with
joy. Mr. Schecter took a Polaroid of me. When it developed, they took it
to a bulletin board full of similar photos. I recognized several of the
faces as those of people around me. Then I realized -- they weren't going
to let me leave."

      On day 11 of the standoff, Julie attempted to flee through a restroom
window while she was supposed to be changing into the white linen raiment
emblazoned with the Saturn logo which is used in the paperwork-signing
ceremony of initiates. She was, however, caught and returned to the main
showroom.

      Julie's attempted escape was detected by FBI intelligence, and a
rapid-response team arrived on the scene shortly afterward. But by that
time the compound had been sealed off, and large, orange "Closed For
Inventory" signs greeted agents at the door.

      It was not until Monday that the woman was finally freed.
"Reliability and service are nice, but at what cost?" Julie said. "I
will not trade my soul for fiberglass side panels."

      Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms raids on smaller Saturn
dealerships in Idaho and Montana have produced
evidence that activities similar to the ones described by Julie have
been taking place across the country.

      "We are pursuing several leads at this time," ATF director John
Magaw said. "But we do know for a fact that the Saturn family has already
infiltrated the fabric of our society to a startling degree. My sister
owns one. My brother-in-law owns one.  This thing is spreading."

      Rumors currently being investigated by the ATF include accounts of
ultra-zealous Saturn delivery-truck drivers and sightings of a red sedan
painted with mysterious occult markings, driven by a man wearing a black
satin Saturn jacket.

      Reports of Saturnic rituals at a Northern California compound,
involving the burning of the Sign of Saturn into the foreheads of new
owners, are also being investigated.

      Saturn, a division of General Motors, has been under close FBI
surveillance since the company was founded in 1990. The company frequently
holds secret, dealer-sponsored barbecues at which new Saturn owners are
further introduced to the mysteries of Saturn ownership, the most famous
of which are held by a high-ranking Saturn family member known as "Russ."

      The company also holds annual "reunions" which are marked by mass
pilgrimages of Saturn family members from across the world. According to
FBI files, some Saturn owners find the car-buying experience so satisfying
that they apply for and are sometimes accepted as salespeople. Some
eventually attain the honored rank of "dealer," but only after hundreds
of hours of serving Saturn.

      "Thank goodness for the FBI," said Andrea Aberg, another rescued
Saturn owner. "Next time I'm buying a Honda."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Feb 1997 20:23:14 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World <adult - sex>>

                  Gennifer Flowers Unveils Cybersex Web Page

 (CNN) -- Gennifer Flowers, who earned notoriety in 1992 when she claimed
to have had sex with Bill Clinton before he was president, has opened an
X-rated Web site promising "presidential quality cybersex."

 Dubbed "Gennifer's Girls," the site's home page features pictures of
Flowers amid graphics of the U.S. flag and a voice -- apparently Flowers'
-- promising "one of the most exciting and enlivening experiences you'll
ever have."

 That experience is the opportunity to talk to live female models via
special software. But it'll cost you: $9.95 to enroll, plus $5.95 to $7.95
per minute.

 Flowers, who claimed she was Clinton's mistress for 12 years, will not
perform in the service but she has defended the site as a way of providing
safe sex.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The gene pool could use a little chlorine

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Feb 1997 00:29:28 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: No Room at the Hotel

Via: Jewish Humor <mweiss@jer1.co.il>

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to
her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she
wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd
like a small room for two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as
he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein.  "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, Madam.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.  No Jews
allowed."

"Jewish?  Who's Jewish?  I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe.  Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1997 to 7 Feb 1997
**********************************************
