HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1997 to 6 Feb 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 315 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Misc Humor <adult humor>
  2. Irish blarney
  3. Posting-Generated Spoonerisms <inoffensive>
  4. Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy
  5. Emergency Party Notice!
  6. Old Chestnut updated
  7. Bill Gates <offensive to Bill, Microsoft, maybe programmers>
  8. Rabbi & Priest Joke
  9. Riddle me this..

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Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 05:40:25 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Misc Humor <adult humor>

* Don't ya just hate those telemarketing calls at dinner time ? I know
  I sure do.  Just the other night, some woman was soliciting for
  funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women, and asked
  if I would care to contribute.  I told her no thanks, I already
  contribute quite a lot -- directly !
                                - - - - -

* Listen you guys, whatever you do, don't ever get your secretary mad
  at ya.  My wife called the other week to leave a message that she
  would be late.  She said to just eat dinner and go to bed, that she
  would be along directly.  My secretary said, "Very well, and whom
  should I say called ?"
                                - - - - -

*   The US is continuing its emphasis on self-rule, democracy & human
  rights where/when possible with all foreign countries.  Therefore,
  when the newly appointed American ambassador to the Far Eastern
  country called on the Emperor to present his credentials, he was
  disturbed by the high number of comely, near-nude maidens wandering
  about the palace, but was hoping, none-the-less, for the best.
    After the proper introductions were made, and all of the necessary
  rituals completed, he asked, "Your Highness, when was the last time
  you had an election here ?"
    "Ahhhhh," said the Emperor, with a smile and sly wink, "Just
  before blekfast."
                                - - - - -

*   A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby
  of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission.
  A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening
  gown spray painted on her curvy body.
    She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on
  going, without another word.
    After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said,
  "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."
    Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

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Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 07:40:25 -0500
From:    Steven Laverty <100730.3450@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Irish blarney

Stop me if you have heard this one...

Two English crooks paid #1000 for #10000 worth of forged currency.
When they checked their purchase they found that the forgeries were
unfortunately in #6 and #13 denominations! Having decided that the only
place they would successfully get rid of the dud money would be in Ireland,
they jumped onto the boat and made their way to a pub in deepest Co.Kerry.
The barman drew their 2 pints of the black stuff, and one of the crooks
nonchalantly asked "Will you accept #6 or #13 sterling notes? I haven't
anything smaller?". The barman cheerfully replied "Ah sure that'll be
fine... now would you be wanting yer change in #2 or #9 notes?"

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Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 07:12:45 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Posting-Generated Spoonerisms <inoffensive>

In response to a couple of postings of some classic spoonerisms, avid humor
net readers sent me some privately:

After a wedding it is kisstumory to cuss the bride

I'm under the affluence of incohol


--Raj
---------------
Another one that happened to a friend of mine at church
was when the Pastor quoted a verse from the Bible that
says:

Beware the fiery darts of the enemy

but spoonerism'ed it, and said

Beware the. . . . . (finish it yourself!).


--Chris

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Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 10:41:43 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy

Top ten sexually suggestive lines in the Star Wars Trilogy

  Star Wars

 10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
  9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in
      time?"
  8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
  7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
  5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
  4. "Sorry about the mess..."
  3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
  2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts,
      kid."

  The Empire Strikes Back

 10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
  9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
  8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
  6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
  4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled
      up like that, huh kid?"
  3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
  1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

  Return of the Jedi:

 10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
  9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will
      call me master."
  8. "I never knew I had it in me."
  7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
  6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you
      almost got it.  Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
  5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
  4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
  3. "She's gonna blow!"
  2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
  1. "Rise, my friend."

But of course, one of the best is -  "Wedge!  Pull out!  You're not
doing any good back there!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 08:00:27 U
From:    "Cook.Norman" <cook@SSDGWY.MDC.COM>
Subject: Emergency Party Notice!

The following is excerpted from an article by Rick Kapnick in Lament, Feb. 1997


Yikes!  The millennium is upon us!  And a lot sooner than we think!

Shortly after 1650 [A.D.], Anglican-Irish Bishop James Ussher of Dublin
calculated and published the age of the Earth.  ...He decided the world and all
the creatures in it were created in 4004 B.C.

A few years later, Dr. John Lightfoot, vice-chancellor of Cambridge University,
refined the Ussher figure and announced the exact day and hour of the Earth's
Creation: October 23, 4004 B.C., at 9:00 a.m.

...We must remember historians agree that we went from 1 B.C. directly to 1
[A.D.] with no "Year Zero."  So it will take another year to reach the new
millennium: October 23, 1997 [A.D.]

...So, gentle readers, October 23, 1997 [A.D.] at 9:00 a.m. (Greenwich Mean
Time) will be our true seventh millennium launch point!

...This brings us to the astounding fact that no colossal planning is underway
for celebrating the millennial change on October 23, 1997 [A.D.]  This date
_must_ be declared the most hallowed date in the history of the universe--to be
celebrated with the most spectacular worldwide religious celebrations in
history!  We are about to celebrate the millennial anniversary of the greatest
apocalyptic event in the history of the cosmos--its very creation.  We must not
let the 6,000-year milestone of the Genesis creation story pass virtually
without notice.  We must assure that the world shakes with pious proclamations
of government leaders, revelry by religious royalty, and alms from genuflecting
generations of suffering supplicants!  We dare not let the world's religious
leaders trivialize the thunderously powerful significance of this
"greatest-ever discovery" by Ussher and Lightfoot.  Our commandants and
kingpins must not blow the greatest fund-raising opportunity of the Holocene
epoch!...

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Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 12:27:29 -0500
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Old Chestnut updated

Two friends were standing at a bus stop when one gave a big sigh and said, "I
wish I had enough money to buy an elephant." His companion looked at him in
astonishment and said, "What on earth would you do with an elephant?" To which
the first guy replied, "Oh, I don't really want an elephant; but, if I had
enough money to buy an elephant, I'd get a car."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 19:12:02 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bill Gates <offensive to Bill, Microsoft, maybe programmers>


Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly
Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your
case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"

St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing
in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining;
the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY
want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting
about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing
as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."  So Bill Gates went
to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there,
he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames
in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's
everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I
visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What
happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the
scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 18:52:37 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Rabbi & Priest Joke

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar
and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Feb 1997 19:26:18 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Riddle me this..

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1997 to 6 Feb 1997
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