HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1997 to 2 Feb 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 712 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Classified Ads <clean>
  2. Moore Misc Humor
  3. fwd: Top 20 Rejected Children's Books <moderately bad taste>
  4. You Might Be a Teacher...
  5. High Tech Communications Joke
  6. "News of the Weird"
  7. The Grandfather Of All Bookmakers
  8. FWD: Guy humor
  9. Nuns swearing <nuns, offensive language>
 10. APOLOGY FROM Shaq3434@Juno.com
 11. Diary Of An AOL User (Part 1 of 2) <may be offensive to AOL users and
     newbies>
 12. TOP TEN LEGACIES JIM KELLY LEFT THE NFL
 13. Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
 14. Spoonerisms <clean>
 15. The Ultimate Blonde Joke List <language, sexual refernces, off. 2 blondes>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 10:03:11 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Classified Ads <clean>

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

 Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

 Christmas tag-sale.  Hand-made gifts for the hard-to-find  person.

 Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

 Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

 Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

 Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to
  assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of
  contributing to growth of family.

 And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
   variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

 We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
 home for $1.00.

(Finito)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 03:03:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Misc Humor

*    "I'm off looking for adventure, excitement, wild beautiful women,"
   cried the young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.
   "Don't try to stop me.  I'm on my way !"
      "Who's trying to stop ya ?" shouted the Father, "Take me along !"
                                - - - - -

*    The patient was berating the doctor for an extremely large medical
  bill not covered by his medical plan during a recent hospitalization.
     "My dear fellow," said the doctor, "Let me assure you.  If you only
  knew what a very interesting case yours was, and how strongly and often
  I was tempted to let it proceed to a post-mortem, you wouldn't complain
  at a bill three times that large.
                                - - - - -

*    Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had
  worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college.  After he
  graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be
  married anytime soon.
     She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no, not right away.
  I want him to practice for at least six months first."
                                - - - - -

*    Fellow walked into his Grandsons' bedroom and found them both busy
  studying at their desks.  The first boy was reading a book on aviation.
     "What do you want to be when you grow up ?" asked the Grandfather,
  looking at the boy intently staring at the latest in military jets.
     "I want to go to the Naval Academy, GrandPa; then try to get into
  Naval aviation.  I've always dreamed of being a pilot.
     The Grandfather walked over to the other boy was studying one of his
  Father's "PlayBoy" magazines just as intently as his brother was the book
  on aviation.
      "And you Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up ?" asked the
  Grandfather a little hesitantly.
     "Nothing sir," the boy said wistfully, "just grown up."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 09:03:59 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: fwd: Top 20 Rejected Children's Books <moderately bad taste>

       20.  Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
       19.  The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
       18.  The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
       17.  Alice in WonderBraLand
       16.  The Legend of Three-Card Monte
       15.  40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
       14.  The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would
            Go Away
       13.  Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
       12.  Where the Wildings Are
       11.  The Big Little Book of Necrophelia
       10.  The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
       9.  Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
       8.  The Crack House at Pooh Corner
       7.  The Dummy's Guide to Crying
       6.  When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
       5.  Where's Waldo's Weewee?
       4.  The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
       3.  Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
       2.  Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
       1.  Furious George Delivers the Mail

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 08:03:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: You Might Be a Teacher...

YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF...

You have the bladder capacity of twenty people.

You come home from work every day with blue stains on your hands.

You tell your waiter "I like the way you keep my water glass filled!"

You can stare at children you don't know who are doing something wrong
and have them stop dead in their tracks.

You keep a whistle on your key chain.

You sit in a fast food restaurant near the play area and wonder who's
on duty and when the recess bell will ring.

You can recite "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" from memory. Using
voices.

You know at least 10 uses for an egg carton, baby food jar, or meat
tray.

A local emergency occurs [fire, earthquake, etc.] and your first
thought is how you're going to lead the discussion at sharing time in
the morning.


----
Motorcycling rule #1 - shiny side up/rubber side down!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 00:52:36 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: High Tech Communications Joke

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.  He starts dialing numbers... like
a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand.  The bartender
walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he
doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand.  I'm very hi-tech.  I had a phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.  The
bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.  "That's
incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it.  By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs
him to the men's room.  The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and
he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the
men's room.  There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall.  His pants are
pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender.  "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok.  I'm just waiting for a fax."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 10:02:08 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: "News of the Weird"

>From Chuck Shepherd's "News of the Weird".....

The Sanctity of Hererosexual marriage:  In September, Painesvill, Ohio,
judge Fred V. Skok issued a marriage license to Paul Smith and Debi
Easterly, even though he was aware that Paul describes himself as a
lesbian, usually dresses in women's clothes, and is on a three-year
regimen toward a complete gender change.

Judge Skok, midful that he could not under Ohio law approve a female-
female marriage, merely required a doctor's certificate that Paul
currently still has male sex organs....

(and I always thought of myself as a lesbian....trapped inside a man's
body!)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 10:23:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: The Grandfather Of All Bookmakers

 By Mike Barnicle, Boston Globe

 He was absolutely the Babe Ruth of bookmakers. He took his first local
arrest for gambling back in 1916 when the Bambino was still playing for the
Red Sox and Woodrow Wilson was president, and he never relinquished his
grip on the action, managing at age 91 in 1988 to establish a world indoor
record: Oldest person ever committed to a federal prison.

 His name was Harry Sagansky, but everybody called him Doc because until
1931 he was a dentist with an office on Cambridge Street where he gave
patients the over/under on the number of cavities to be found. And he died
Tuesday, age 99, two days after the Super Bowl when every newspaper and
many peopl hypocritically indulge in activities that Doc conducted longer
than almost anybody else across a whole American century.

 ``Out of the thousands of clients I represented, he was the most compliant
and maybe the nicest,'' one of his first lawyers, retired judge Tom Dwyer,
was saying yesterday from Florida. ``I had him nearly 50 years ago and he
was first arrested in 1916. My God, that's the year I was born.''

``He was an honorable guy,'' his last lawyer, Morris Goldings, pointed out.
``And one of the nicest men you'd  ever meet, too.''

``We used to arrest him by appointment, out of respect for his age,''
pointed out Charley Fleming, a Boston police detective. ``We'd call him and
his partner, Mo Weinstein, and ask them to come down to the DA's office and
they'd come. No problem. If it was taking too long to book them, Doc would
say, `Hey fellas, can we hurry it up. I'm no kid.'''

 Last year, having supper at The Stockyard in Brighton, a local wannabe
sought $25,000 from Doc for some larcenous scheme. When Sagansky inquired
about the timetable for repayment, he was told six months, and he replied:
``Lemme tell you something, kid. I'm 98 years old. Six months is too long.
At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*If you play for fun, you never lose

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 12:14:10 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: FWD: Guy humor

DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date.  Here are a few things NOT to say on a
date...

"Nice outfit.  Is that a wonder-bra?"

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"No wine for me tonight.  My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin."

"I refuse to get cable.  That's how they keep tabs on you."

"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you NEED a nose job.  I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider
it."

"Could you excuse me?  My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour."

"I like clay.  It's mushy."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years.  Used to be I wouldn't
have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face.  But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."

"Dropping my pants just scared them.  But when my underwear hit the
ground... Man!  I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 13:13:00 -0500
From:    David Seppala <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Nuns swearing <nuns, offensive language>

How do you make three nuns say "fuck" at the same time?

Have a fourth nun yell "Bingo!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 14:00:03 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: APOLOGY FROM Shaq3434@Juno.com

	[Post deleted for archival purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 15:43:19 EST
From:    Billy J Phillips <bjphillips@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Diary Of An AOL User (Part 1 of 2) <may be offensive to AOL users and
         newbies>

I got this one from my friend Mandie Brite.


July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better
hold on to it in case they don't ever send me another one! I can't
connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine-year-old
next door did it for me. But it still doesn't work. I can't get online.

July 25 - That nine-year-old kid next door hooked me up to America Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says
that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does
these services for people. Anyway, he's smarter than the jerks who sold
me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet
they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the
back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled
"phone" when you are not supposed to hook it up to the phone jack on the
wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb!
But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the Internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this Internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - That nine-year-old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He said that he is,
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer,
but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online - not Usenet.

July 30 - These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different kind of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT THE KEYBOARD FROM TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITAL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID
IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL THAT OUT? I TOLD HIM I
GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS
ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO
LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE THEY RESPOND SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T KNOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

To be continued...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 17:37:23 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN LEGACIES JIM KELLY LEFT THE NFL

TOP TEN LEGACIES JIM KELLY LEFT THE NFL

10. Two glorious touchdowns in 4 Super Bowls

9. Was the only Pro Bowl quarterback that Bernie Kosar didn't back up

8. Let numerous defensive backs break the record for longest interceptions
   returned for touchdowns

7. Could coach the Jets

6. A high premium to the players' union for its medical insurance policy

5. A book entitled "101 Best Ways To Get Your Team to the Super Bowl"

4. One dozen gold-plated elbow casts

3. "Buffalo" and "Successful" are not mutually exclusive terms!

2. Greatest minor league (AFC) quarterback of all-time

1. Stealing a phrase from Nixon, "You won't have Kelly to kick around
   anymore"

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 20:02:06 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

McKinsey Consultant:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening
its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market.

McKinsey , in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its  physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM),  McKinsey helped the chicken use its skills,methodologies,
knowledge, capital, and experiences to align the chicken's
people, processes, and technology in support of its overall
strategy within a program management framework.

McKinsey convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and
the best chickens along with McKinsey consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
off-site in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital,
both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with
each other inorder to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median
processes.

The meeting was held in a luxury resort enabling and creating an
impactful environment which was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 17:31:22 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Spoonerisms <clean>

A spoonerism is a slip of the tongue whereby initials or other
sounds in words are accidentaly transposed, so called after Rev.
William A. Spooner, an Oxford don at the turn of the century.
Some of his originals:
     "Victoria is our queer old dean."
     To a lady at church: "May I sew you to your sheet?"
     Searching for an empty pew, "Is this pie occupewed?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 23:48:13 -0500
From:    Jon Gabriel <JGabriel00@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Ultimate Blonde Joke List <language, sexual refernces,
         off. 2 blondes>

The Ultimate Dumb Blonde Jokes List     <just makes the 100 line limit 8=DE=
>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 1. What is a dumb blonde girl with huge lungs especially good for?.....Your
    Jacuzzi.
 2. What is the mating call of a dumb blonde?.............."Gee, I think I'm
    drunk."
 3. What's the mating call of a really ugly dumb blonde?........ (Screaming)
    "I said I'm Drunk!!!!".
 4. What do you say to a dumb blonde who won't give in?................."Have
    another beer."
 5. What's a dumb blondes favourite wine?............. "Daaaaady, I want to go
    to Miaaaaami".
 6. How do you get a dumb blonde to marry you?............ Tell her she's
    pregnant.
 7. How does a dumb blonde spell farm?............. E-I-E-I-O.
 8. Why don't dumb blondes eat pickles?.............. They can't get their
    heads in the jar.
 9. What does a dumb blonde call safe sex?................ A padded dashboard.
10. How does a dumb blonde turn on the lights after sex?.. She opens the car
    door.
11. What does a dumb blonde use for protection during sex?...A bus shelter.
12. What does a dumb blonde say after sex?..............."So, are all you
    guys on the same team?"
13. Why can't dumb blondes drive?...............Because, once they get in the
    front seat they don't know what to do.
14. Did you hear about the dumb blonde who went on the pill? .. It didn't 
    work. It kept falling out
15. What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a Porsche?...You don't
    lend your porshe to your friends.=20
16. What did the dumb blondes' mother say to her before her date?..."If
    you're not in bed before midnight, come home."
17. What does a dumb blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?.
    Her ankles.
18. What's a dumb blondes favourite nursery rhyme? . Hump me, Dump me.
19. How do you get a dumb blonde to stay in the shower all day? .. Give her a
    bottle of shampoo that says "Rinse and Repeat"
20. What did the dumb blonde say to the large breasted waitress after reading
    her name tag?....What did you name the other one?
21. Did you hear about the dumb blonde who threw up ? ........ It's all over
    town
22. Why is a blonde like a railway track? ........ She gets laid all over the
    country.
23. How do you know when a dumb blonde has been using the computer?.........
    The joystick is wet.
24. Why did the dumb blonde drive into the ditch? .................
    Her blinker was on.
25. What do dumb blondes put behind their ears to make them look more
    attractive? ...........Their ankles.
26. What's the difference between a blonde jogger and a sewing machine?
    .............. A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
27. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a Volkswagen?
     ...........Farfromthinkin.
28. How do you sink a tub full of blondes? ....... Knock on the door.
29. Why do blondes where turtle necks? ...........
    To cover up their dog collars.
30. Did you hear about the blonde who broke her leg while raking leaves?
    ................. She fell out of a tree.
31. What do you call a dumb blonde virgin? ................. A myth.
32. Why don't blondes make good cattle herders ? ............ They can't
    even keep their calves together.
33. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? ............. Pregnant
34. Why did the blonde pee on the floor? ......
    'cause the sign said "Wet Floor"
35. How do you get a blonde on the roof? .........
    Tell her that drinks are on the house.
36. What do you get when you put dumb blondes in the freezer? ..........
    Frosted flakes.
37. Why did the blonde take her baby to the blood testing clinic ?
    ........... She wanted to check if it was hers.
38. Did you here about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in?
    They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
39. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? ..........
    Just one, they all like to screw anywhere.
40. Why don't blondes make ice cubes? ........
    They keep forgetting the recipe.
41. What's the difference between the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde?.....
    A blonde has swallowed more semen.
42. How do you kill a one armed blonde hanging from a cliff? ........ Wave
43. What did the dumb blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was
    pregnant? ........... "Are you sure it's mine?"
44. Whats the difference between blondes and McDonalds?....
    A blonde serves more people in a night.
45. Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?.....
    It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.
46. Why do blondes like tilt steering?........It gives them more headroom
47. What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a brick?..............
    When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around.
48. What do blondes and planes have in common? ........
    They both have black boxes.
49. What happened when the dumb blonde combed her hair? ......... 
    She had a stroke.
50. How do you make a blondes eyes light up? .........
    Shine a flashlight in her ear.
51. Why do dumb blondes wear those large hoop earings? .......
    So they have somewhere to put their legs during sex.
52. Why do blondes put TGIF on their socks? ......
    So they know Toes Go In First.
53. What did the dumb blonde say when someone blew in her ear? ........
    Thanks for the refill.
54. What do you call a dumb blonde skeleton in a cupboard? ........
    The winner hide and seek.
55. How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? .......
    Tell her a joke on Monday.
56. How do you notice a dumb blonde on the beach? .........
    She's wearing her string bikini back to front.
57. What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear? ........
    A wind tunnel.
58. What's the first thing a dumb blonde does in the morning? .......
    She gets up and goes home.
59. Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence? ........
    To see what was on the other side.
60. Whats the difference between a dumb blond and most men?. .......
    A blond has a higher sperm count.
61. What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a mosquito?........
    A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
62. How do you drown a dumb blonde?  Put a scratch and sniff sticker
    at the bottom of the pool.
63. How do you know if a blonde is having a bad day? .......
    Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
64. Why does it take dumb blondes so long to make chocolate chip cookies?
    ......... They have to first peel all the M & M's.
65. What's a dumb blonde with a dollar on her head?......
    All you can eat for under a buck.
66. Why do dumb blondes wear panties? .......... To keep their ankles warm.
67. Why did they fire the dumb blonde from the M & M's factory?
    Because she kept throwing out all the W's.
68. Why do dumb blondes work seven days a week? ...............
    So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.
69. Why did the dumb blonde stare at the orange juice carton? .......
    Because it said "concentrate".
70. How can you tell when a dumb blonde has been working on the computer?
    There's Wite-Out on the monitor.
71. What's the similarity between a turtle and a dumb blonde? 
    When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
72. Wat's the first thing a dumb blonde does when she gets up in the
    morning? .........  She goes home.
73. Why's a dumb blonde like a screen door? .....
    The harder you bang them, the looser they get.
74. Why couldn't the dumb blonde make Koolaid? ........
    She couldn't fit two quarts of water in the little packet.
75. Wht do you call a dumb blonde standing upside down? .......... 
    A brunette with bad breath.
76. How does a blonde brush her teeth ? ...............
    She holds the tooth brush and moves her head up and down.
77. How can you tell which house a blonde lives in ? ................
    The bush is darker than the rest of the place.
78. What do you call the area between a dumb blonde ears ? ..............
    A wind tunnel
79. How do dumb blonde braincells die? .......
    Alone.
80. Why'd the blonde have a sore belly button?........
    Because her boyfriend was also blond.
81. How does a dumb blonde switch on the light in the morning? ......
    She opens the car door.
82. What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a washing machine?
    Once you dump your load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow
    you around for a week.
83. Two blondes were travelling in a car to Disneyland.
    They were travelling along the freeway and were almost there,
    when they came to a sign which said "Disneyland Left".
    SO they turned around and drove home.
84. Why was the Dumb Blonde so happy when she finished her jigsaw puzzle
    in 6 months ? Because on the box it said 2 to 4 years.=20

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1997 to 2 Feb 1997
**********************************************
