HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1997 to 1 Feb 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 538 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex Thoughts <adult humor>
  2. Rules for Cats (not off.)
  3. The Winning Numbers (not off.)
  4. Good Advice
  5. Tips for DC Tourists
  6. Questions to Ponder
  7. WAYS JERRY JONES CAN RAISE CAPITAL TO PAY OFF HIS INCOME TAXES
  8. Some quotes...
  9. <Humor?> An AOL dictionary
 10. Short Joke Possible bad language
 11. bumper sticker
 12. A Happy Meal
 13. Humor: Web Browser War
 14. Smallest Schools <adult , foul language , ref. to genetals>

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Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 03:28:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex Thoughts <adult humor>

* With winter time upon us now, may I remind y'all that a "coolie" is
  merely a "quickie" in the snow.
                                - - - - -

* As an Engineer, I was always taught the laws of Psychics applied to
  all situations, regardless of the circumstances.  How is it then that
  the girls with the most streamlined shapes offer the most resistance?
                                - - - - -

* Although I can't stand raw oysters at all, I've always heard how they
  can improve a man's virility and stamina.  Well, after having put it
  to the test by downing a dozen nitely for a period of an entire month,
  I can assure y'all that the whole thing is just a one big phoney myth.
  The most I could get to work on any night the whole month was five.
                                - - - - -

*    Part of the curriculum in the schools these days is sex education.
  Educators are trying to teach abstinence as a option to the kids.  One
  teacher was addressing her 7th grade class and said, "In moments of
  temptation, just ask yourself one question: Is an hour of pleasure
  worth what could end-up with disease, or worse -- a lifetime of shame
  and regret ?  Now, are there any questions ?"
     One sweet young thang in the back of the room then raised her hand
  and asked, "Teacher, how do you make it last for an hour ?"
                                - - - - -

*    My wife, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of our
  parties over the Holidays.  A friend of ours brought his brother who had
  just been ordained a Priest.  She offered the friend a drink from the
  tray and said, "I'm so sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen
  and bring you a coke."
     The Priest smiled and said "No need.  I may have alcohol.  Priests
  abstain from sex, not the grape."
     "Oh !" said my wife blushing, embarrassed "I knew it was something
  I wasn't supposed to offer you."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 07:09:29 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: Rules for Cats (not off.)

For cat people everwhere - Enjoy  :->


Rules for cats who have a house to run.

I.  DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door opened,
    stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened,
    it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside"
    door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
    This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow,
    or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II.  CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
     If  you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is
     no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet,
     make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III.  BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not
      necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV.  HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity
     and  the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called
     "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the rules
      for "hampering":
  a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
     You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
     on and then picked up and comforted.
  b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
     unless you can lie across the book itself.
  c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
     appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
     the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
     out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to
     distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
     Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of
     what the humans may tell you.
  d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
     taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim --
     to hamper!
     First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch
     sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely,
     roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your
     ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens,
     pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
  e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
     to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.


V.  WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
    in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
    in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
    This will help their coordination skills.

VI.  BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.


adams.patriot.net/~hobie - Hobie's Net Surf Shop - my corner of the web

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 09:14:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Winning Numbers (not off.)

 A man called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble.  His business has
 gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.  He's so desperate
 that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and
 begins to pray...  "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
 don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
 win the lotto."

 Lotto night comes and somebody else wins.

 Jacob goes back to the synagogue..."God please let me win the lotto.
 I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

 Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!

 Back to the synagogue..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
 business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I
 don't often ask for your help and I have always been a good servant to
 you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
 my life back in order?" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as
 the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himselfwho
 admonishes him: "Jacob, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 06:31:59 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Good Advice

  Buy old masters.  They  fetch  a  better price
  than old mistresses.           -Lord Beaverbrook


  Asked about his philosophy of life, President
  Harry S Truman, a farmboy at heart, replied,
  "Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."      -Merle Miller

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 10:25:34 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Tips for DC Tourists

I got this from a friend, don't know the original author, but living in
the DC area, this will be handy for the friends who come from out of
town ...

Tips for DC Tourists

Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to
soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol.  You'll notice they stop
frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxis in the middle
of the Teddy Roosevelt Bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it
there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would
eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an
expeditious way.  Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn
to a Washingtonian for it.  As an ambassador of the District, it is always
nice to say something courteous:

Advice for tourists in DC:

 - Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame

 - Find and use the dining car on the Metro

 - If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free

 - Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on
   the mall by the Lincoln Memorial

 - Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch &
   Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art

 - Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the
   Arlington National Cemetary--bring your own shovel

 - Help keep the nation's capital clean:  after entering the Metro through
   the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can

 - If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry.  Remember, it's a
   circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be
   back at your desired exit!

 - Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents
   guarding the President to laugh

 - The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you
   hit the Capitol.

 - Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake.  Run
   for your life!

 - Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court

 - Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many
   very good-looking, unmarried men

 - For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften"
   them up before using the Metro card machines

 - When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a
   delightful way to see the city.

 - There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building

 - If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's
   office or residence and ask for some Coke

 - To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person
   in front of you who is using the ATM

 - Going to the zoo?  Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a
   refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats

 - Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree

 - In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom
   of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before
   proceeding.

ENJOY YOUR VISIT IN OUR FAIR CITY.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 10:55:37 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: Questions to Ponder

 1.  Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
     drive?
 2.  Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
 3.  Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
 4.  Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
 5.  Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
 6.  Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
 7.  Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
 8.  How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
 9.  If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
     the doors?
10.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
11.  If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how does the TEFLON stick to the  pan?
12.  If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
     height, what would happen?
13.  If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
     turn on the headlights?
14.  You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
       package says,    "Open somewhere else"?
15.  Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
16.  Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
17.  Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
     shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
18.  You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
     why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
19.  Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
     down the volume on the radio?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 11:14:40 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: WAYS JERRY JONES CAN RAISE CAPITAL TO PAY OFF HIS INCOME TAXES

WAYS JERRY JONES CAN RAISE CAPITAL TO PAY OFF HIS INCOME TAXES

10. Quit paying for the drugs and hookers at postgame celebrations

9. Hold the "First Annual Cowboys Amateur Movie Festival"

8. Hock Deion's jewelry

7. Convince Jimmy Johnson to do more Pizza Hut commercials with him

6. Hock Deion

5. Sell the "star" on their helmets to Texaco

4. Open up a blood drive with players who don't abuse substances. That ought
   to raise four bucks

3. Become an "anonymous informant" and use the reward money

2. Franchise Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders

1. This news from Valley Ranch: Jerry Jones has just signed an exclusive deal
   with the IRS as the official tax collection agency of the Dallas Cowboys

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 18:06:16 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Some quotes...

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary.

The majestic equality of the law... forbids rich and poor alike to sleep
under bridges, beg in the streets and steal bread.
  Anatole France

There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
  Goethe

Fighting for peace is like making love for virginity.

I like pigs. Dogs look UP to us. Cats look DOWN on us. Pigs treat us as
EQUALS.
 Winston Churchill

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
  Frank Crow

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 13:40:47 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor?> An AOL dictionary

An AOL Dictionary (abridged)  by Jim Mica

AOL      America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing
         the INTERNET.  Let all the rabble participate, if
         they've got the money.  Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh,
         fer crying out loud, uses the service.

AoL      America Off Line (SM)  Opps, too many to handle.  The
         service is about to crash...

AOL      (as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the
         addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some
         icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the
         electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy
         (identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some
         tired old joke as hot new humor.

AOL      (ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited
         access for a set fee.  Kinda reminds one of those old
         Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that
         electricity would become so cheap there would be no need
         to meter it!  Too much of a good thing?

AOL      Americans Outta Luck  Thousands, nay millions, of them
         sitting there trying to get online and not being able
         to.  Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the
         service and installed the software without realizing
         that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you
         to get to the INTERNET?

AOL      Americans Organizing Law Suits.  That's the ticket!
         Finally the masses are revolting.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 15:21:57 -0500
From:    Andy Lodge <ALodge8719@AOL.COM>
Subject: Short Joke Possible bad language

Life is like a pubic hair on a urinal.

Sooner or later you get pissed off

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 20:29:53 +0000
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: bumper sticker

I heard about this one, but living in Oxford, I have never seen it.

A bumper sticker seen in Los Angeles:

WELCOME TO LA: PLEASE DROP OFF YOUR DAUGHTERS AND LEAVE

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 16:52:39 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: A Happy Meal

         This story brings new meaning to: "A Happy Meal".

      McDonald's Worker Arrested For Selling Drugs At Window.

 MONROE, Connecticut (CNN) -- A McDonald's employee has been charged with
selling more than hamburgers and fries at a drive-through window, police
said Wednesday.

 Mence Powell, 19, was arrested Monday after a two-month sting operation in
which undercover agents said they bought packets of marijuana from him at
McDonald's on four occasions. Some of the drugs were stashed in Happy
Meals.

 "If they did not order any food, he would put it in a Happy Meal. He would
use the Happy Meal as a cover," said Daniel Brennan, Monroe Police public
information officer.

 If convicted of all charges, he faces a maximum penalty of 69 years in
jail, Brennan said.

 The Associated Press and Reuters contributed to this report.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 17:00:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Web Browser War

WEB BROWSER WARS

Sept. 2, 2012

(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396 or higher.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda (P-Utah)
today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft and
Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the
ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American
economy of its vitality.

In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate,
Noorda, once a key figure in the information technology industry,
claimed American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading
new browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls
that they no longer have time to produce anything of value or to
consume products.  "We have been transformed from a nation of thinkers
and doers to a nation of downloaders worried about whether we are
keeping up with the technological Joneses," Noorda said.

Noorda's comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407
of its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM
radio from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta
trial, while versions 408, 409, 410 and 411 are in development.
Microsoft, which has been criticized of late for slipping behind
Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver Version 405 of its
Internet Explorer "before the next major religious holiday," though
company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which religion the
company was referring to.  Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books'
bestselling "Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies", said the continuing
instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of
new applications.  "How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51
days?" asked Gibbs.  "The only apps being developed now are crossword
puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets."

According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC
user now has 62 browsers installed.  That has significantly limited
the usefulness of the desktop machine because each "browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository" consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if
the touchscreen option is disabled).  Intel Corp. recommends the use
of at least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
"There is no capacity left to run any other application," said IDC
Chief Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. "Our PCs, in essence, are
simply containers for browsers."

In the late 1990's, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data
housed on Internet servers.  But the dream of the so-called Internet
device died with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which
cracked the 800M byte storage requirement and supported some 257,462
ActiveX, DirectDraw, VB, DirectX, VisualX++ and InActiveX Controls.

"It's a shame, really," said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who
was a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time.  "We
could have been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun
intended.  But Bill outmanuevered us again," added "Big Larry"
Ellison, who now runs the Used Cars 'R' Us operation on the Auto Mile
in Redwood City, Calif.

In response to Noorda's call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web
site www.bookem.gov.

"We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter of whether
development should continue on Web browsers and servers."


---
God's Opinion: The One That *ALWAYS* Matters

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Feb 1997 00:35:35 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Smallest Schools <adult , foul language , ref. to genetals>

Q: What is the smallest school you ever heard off?

A: A man's underpants. One ass , two bells and one master.

*********

Q: What school is even smaller?

A: A woman's panty. One ass and a vacant post for a master.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Jan 1997 to 1 Feb 1997
***********************************************
