HUMOR Digest - 30 Jan 1997 to 31 Jan 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 766 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. WAYS BRETT FAVRE CELEBRATED AFTER THE SUPER BOWL
  2. Marriage Quickies
  3. At The Vet's ..<mild adult,offensive to dog owners>
  4. Benny the Serf(offensive to groaner-haters)
  5. Sisters of Mercy <Off. to us Catholics>
  6. Ugly Men <inoffensive>
  7. A little humor...
  8. Cold weather put into perspective <Offensive to the
     temperature-challenged>
  9. It's A Wacky World
 10. Raffi's Brush With the Law <offensive to childrens singers with beards>
 11. 3 Sons <adult>
 12. A Skier's Dictionary
 13. Vasectomy
 14. Humor: Waiter, Waiter ...
 15. Kids' Jokes <clean> (fwd)
 16. A Good Couple <clean>
 17. Bussiness is good <adult, foul language, sexual theme>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 03:48:25 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: WAYS BRETT FAVRE CELEBRATED AFTER THE SUPER BOWL

WAYS BRETT FAVRE CELEBRATED AFTER THE SUPER BOWL

10. At Chuck-E-Cheese's

9. Stiffed Green Bay and did the hula direct to Honolulu

8. Had himself a Maalox moment after all that cheese

7. Designing new uniforms with Joan Rivers

6. Feeding cheese to Minnie Mouse at Disney World

5. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he's married, he lives in Green
   Bay...Nuff said

4. Booze, hookers, cops and coke...no wait, that's Michael Irvin's party

3. Asked Jim Kelly if he wanted a spot on his new S.I. commercial as an
   autograph seeker

2. Went to Reggie's and played Bingo

1. A case of O'Douls and a bottle of Flintstone vitamins

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 05:37:08 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Marriage Quickies

                Ain't Marriage Grand ?

* I'll have to admit the first part of my marriage was happy.
  But then, on the way from the ceremony to the reception ...
                        - - - - -
* I just gotta wake up faster in the morning.  I was sitting at the
  kitchen table having a cup of coffee.  The wife came downstairs and
  I kissed her, said "Good Morning" then said, "Take a letter, please..."
                        - - - - -
* It's really a wonder my wife and I ever got together in the first
  place.  She swore she would never marry me when I was drunk, and I
  wouldn't dream of marrying her when I was sober.
                        - - - - -
* My wife sez that I'm too extravagant;
  that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg.
  I told her I'd be fine.  I mean look at all the experience I've got.
                        - - - - -
* I'm not saying my wife talks too much or anything,
  But she uses a special SPF 30 sunblock for her tongue.
                        - - - - -
* I have a cute pet name for my wife -- "Nag Central".
  She can talk at 160 words per minute, with gusts up to 190.
                        - - - - -
* At bedtime, when my wife asks "Is everything shut-up for the night ?"
  I always patiently reply, "Everything 'else' is, dear."
                        - - - - -
* I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word.
  I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it !
                        - - - - -
* My wife hasn't been feeling all that well lately.
  Something she agreed with is eating her.
                        - - - - -
* My wife claims her car is so old that the fenders
  aren't dented -- they're wrinkled !
                        - - - - -
* When I married my wife, she had a real hourglass figure.
  The sands of time have pretty much taken care of that though.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 18:15:02 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: At The Vet's ..<mild adult,offensive to dog owners>

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why  are  you  here?"
The  schnauzer  responds, "I'm 17 years old.  I don't see or hear
very well.  I've been having accidents in the  house.   My  owner
says  I'm  too  old  and  sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why  are  you  here?"  The  poodle
responds,  "I've  not  been  myself lately.  I've been especially
high strung.  I've been barking all the time, I've been  snapping
at  people  and  I  even  bit one of the neighbor's kids.  Nobody
knows why this has been happening.  My owner says he  can't  risk
me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great dane why he is here.   The
great  dane  responds:  "My owner is this beautiful runway model.
Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she sudden-
ly bent down to pick up something she dropped.  She was bent over
and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm  on
top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The poodle asks: "so your owner brought you here  to  be  put  to sleep?"

The great dane says: "no, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 08:12:43 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Benny the Serf(offensive to groaner-haters)

This is my first post- hope you enjoy it!

Back in the medieval times, there was a serf named Benny. Benny was a nice
guy, just unlucky in life. well, one day he was sitiing in the gutter
bemaoaning his station in life, when who should appear, but his Fairy
Godmother! She said to Benny, "Benny, we have long watched you, and have
determined that you are indeed a man of honor, though little wealth, so we
have decided to give you 3 wishes, on the condition that you never get a
haircut or a shave for the rest of your life." Benny considers briefly, then
agrees. His first wish was for a castle better than the King's. Instantly a
huge castle sprung up beside him! His second wish was for enough gold to fill
all the treasure vaults in the castle. Well, the castle just sorta sank into
the ground just a bit with the weight of all that gold. Benny went into the
castle, exploring it to his pleasure, when, arriving at the uppermost spire,
he saw the King's Army coming after him to stop the ursurper. Benny used his
last wish for an army big enough to ensure his victory, and then Benny
actually became King!
 True to his nature, he was a kind, just, and benevolent King.
30 years later, as he was walking thru town(with his helper carrying his hair
and beard in a wheelbarrow behind him) Benny saw a barber shop, and stood
outside to watch the people inside getting shaves and haircuts. Benny thinks
to himself, "Man, that Fairy Godmother was ancient 30 years ago, she should
surely be dead by now."
So he sneaks in and gets a shave and a haircut. As he's looking in the mirror
at himself, he sees the Fairy Godmether's face in the mirror, looking sadly
at him. "Benny", she says, "We were SO proud of you, you have done so well!
But a promise is a promise-you agreed to no shaves or haircuts, so we have to
punish you." So she waved her magic wand and turned poor Benny into a
beautiful, elaborately painted urn. Which goes to show the moral of the
story -  A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 16:17:43 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Sisters of Mercy <Off. to us Catholics>

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.  It reads SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.  He thinks it is just a
figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
 Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
 When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
 PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he
 pulls into the drive.
 On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with
 a sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY.  He climbs the
 steps and rings the bell.  The door is answered by a beautiful nun
in a  black habit who says, "I know what you are here for, my son.
Please follow me."
 He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
 disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on  this door".  He does as he is told and this door
is answered by another beautiful nun  holding a tin cup.
This nun  instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through
the large  wooden door at the end of this hallway."  He gets $100 out
of his  wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
 He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling
 it shut behind him.  As the door locks behind him, he finds himself
 back in the parking lot, facing a huge  sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 07:00:02 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Ugly Men <inoffensive>

[Inoffensive to ugly men, for they don't know they are and their wives/girl
friends won't tell them!]

          The famous painter Whistler had been commissioned to paint the
portrait of an exceptionally ugly man. The two of them were contemplating
the finished work:
          "Well," exclaimed the subject of the portrait, "you can't call
that a great work of art."
          "Perhaps not," replied Whistler, "but then you can hardly call
yourself a great work of nature."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 10:24:51 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: A little humor...

THE FACTS OF LIFE:

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..

Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3 friends. If
they're OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too;  they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel
happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 11:24:47 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cold weather put into perspective <Offensive to the
         temperature-challenged>

 +50 / +10  (Fahrenheit / Celsius)
   * New York tenants try to turn on the heat
   * People from Ontario plant gardens

 +40 / +4
   * Californians shiver uncontrollably
   * Albertans sunbathe

 +35 / +2
   * Italian cars don't start

 +32 / 0
   * Distilled water freezes

 +30 / -1
   * You can see your breath
   * You plan a vacation in Florida
   * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
   * Manitobans eat ice cream

 +25 / -4
   * Lake Ontario water freezes
   * Californians weep pitiably
   * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed

 +20 / -7
   * New York water freezes
   * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of L.A.
   * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

 +15 / -10
   * You plan a vacation in Acapulco
   * Cat insists on sleeping IN your bed with you
   * B.C. residents go swimming

 +10 / -12
   * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
   * Too cold to snow
   * You need jumper cables to get the car going

 0 / -18
   * New York landlords turn on the heat
   * Newfoundlanders grill hot dogs on the patio, yum!

 -5 / -21
   * You can HEAR your breath
   * You plan a vacation in Hawaii

 -10 / -23
   * American cars don't start
   * Too cold to skate

 -15 / -26
   * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
   * People from Miami cease to exist
   * Canadians lick flagpoles

 -20 / -29
   * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
   * People in NWT and Yukon think about taking down screens

 -25 / -32
   * Too cold to kiss
   * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
   * Japanese cars don't start
   * Ottawa Rough Riders head for spring training

 -30 / -34
   * You plan a two-week hot bath
   * Pilsener freezes
   * Bock beer production begins
   * NWT residents shovel snow off roof

 -38 / -39
   * Mercury freezes
   * Too cold to think
   * Canadians do up their top button

 -40 / -40
   * Californians disappear
   * Your CAR insists on sleeping in your bed with you
   * Quebecers put on sweaters

 -50 / -46
   * Congressional hot air freezes
   * Alaskans close the bathroom window
   * Green Bay Packers practice indoors

 -60 / -51
   * Walruses abandon Aleutians
   * Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
   * Ontarians put gloves away, take out mittens
   * Boy Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

 -70 / -57
   * Glaciers in Central Park
   * Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
   * Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

 -80 / -62
   * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
   * Girl Scouts in Saskatchewan start Klondike Derby

 -90 / -68
   * Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
   * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
   * Ontarians migrate to New York thinking it MUST be warmer south of
     the border

 -100 / -73
   * Santa Claus abandons North Pole
   * Canadians pull down earflaps

 -173 / -114
   * Ethyl alcohol freezes

 -297 / -183
   * Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
   * Microbial life survives only on dairy products

 -445 / -265
   * Superconductivity

 -452 / -269
   * Helium becomes a liquid

 -454 / -270
   * Hell freezes over

 -456 /-271
   * Quebec drivers drop below 150 KPH on 400 highways

 -458 / -272
   * Jean Cretien renounces a campaign contribution

 -460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
   * All atomic motion ceases
   * Canadians start saying how it's a tad nippy outside

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 10:29:38 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                  New Carnival Fat King.
            Uses samba to dethrone last year's king.

 RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuter) -- Rio authorities have elected a new
Carnival Fat King, dethroning last year's champion despite his high
popularity with Brazilians.

 The new fat king is Alex de Oliveira Silva, 25, who weighed in at 475
pounds (214 kilograms) and proved to the jury that he could dance the samba
better than any of his nine rivals.

 The role of the carnival fat king is to demonstrate the joyful fun-loving
spirit of Carnival, the most popular of all celebrations in Brazil. The
king is the leader of the carnival, as well as the ambassador of the city
of Rio de Janeiro.

 Alex de Oliveira Silva said he was happy "to be able to represent what the
people want and to have the opportunity to bring them together in the
spirit of Carnival."

 Copyright 1997 Reuters

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 11:56:55 -0500
From:    Pete Flynn <Eddvedr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Raffi's Brush With the Law <offensive to childrens singers with beards>

Just in case you don't know, Raffi is a famous childrens singer,
one of his most famous songs is "Baby Beluga"
- - - - - - - - - - -

--Disassociated Press--

        Last week in Aberdeen, WA, a multitude of teenagers were brutally mauled beyond recognition at Raffi's Belugapalooza Bash.  We say "multitude",
because all the body parts haven't been found and identified yet.  Following
his acoustic version of "Vegetarians Suck", Raffi, in a drunken rage, smashed
his acoustic guitar, shattering pieces into the swarming mosh pit only feet
away.  A teenager, after being hit by the guitar, shouted "Boooo!!! Raffi
BITES!!!!!"  Raffi then threw an empty Absolut bottle at the child's head,
and flung himself bodily into the boy's limp figure, proceeding to beat him
to death.  Raffi was released into the custody of Aberdeen police after six
days in detoxification, facing charges of: inciting a riot, aggravated
assault with a deadly weapon, and double parking his Ferrari Testarosa.
        After coming out of the blood and beer soaked concert hall, Josh, a Satan worshipper and necropheliac from Seattle WA, commented "Raffi RULES!!!!! Baby Beluga F*&$ing ROCKED!!!!!!"  He also said that the concert was "twice as
good as the Pantera show last week!"
        Several concert venues have canceled dates on Raffi's International
Belugapalooza Tour, citing concern for safety.  Raffi has also been found to
be responsible for the poisoning of Robert Johnson, the actor who plays
"Barney" in the "Barney and Friends Stage Singalong", which has incidentally
been consistently outselling Raffi's concerts by 10,000 tickets per show.
 Police have also discovered a diary, documenting how Raffi had planned to
send out letter bombs to the cast and crew of "Sesame Street Live".
        Also, recently FBI investigators have found a U-Haul truck and 6,000 pounds of fertilizer in a shack adjacent to Raffi's forest compound.  In the truck was a copy of Time-Life's "Bombs Made Easy" and several automatic firearms.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 12:51:06 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: 3 Sons <adult>

A man walks into a bar, and starts crying, I mean he is really balling.
When the bartender asks what's wrong he says he just found out his son
is gay. Well, the bartender can imagine the pain this man must be
feeling so he says, "Here," handing him a shot of whiskey, "This is on
the house. Oh hell, I'll even have a few with you." So they have quite a
few drinks over the course of the night.
About a week later the same guy comes in, same thing, crying out loud.
When the bartender asks what is wrong the man replies, "I just found out
my other son is a fag." So the bartender sets up a few shots for each of
them. As they are drinking the bartender asks how many sons the guy has.
"Three."
"Is the other one straight?"
"As far as I know"
The man leaves. After about a month he comes back in AGAIN he is crying.
The bartender thinks poor guy, and asks, "Doesn't ANYONE in your family
like having sex with women?????"
"I just found out my wife does."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 15:21:12 -0700
From:    Kevin Tower <ktower@MICRON.NET>
Subject: A Skier's Dictionary

Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary"
Henry Bread and Roy McKie

Alp:
     One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
     Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
     One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
     timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard, First
     Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
     Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
     a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
     across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
     There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however;
     the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
     Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.  It's good exercise,
     doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets.  It has no crowds or
     lines.  See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
     Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
     snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
     nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and
     the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder
     of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
     A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
        1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
        2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
           skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
        3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
           then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
     Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
     but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
     should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
     dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
    One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
    The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
    the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
    electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
    ski-resort parking lots.  See Inertia.

Inertia:
    Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
    due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along with
    these other physical laws:
       1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
          the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger
          hospital and home care bills.
       2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
          out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
          our universe.
       3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree")

Prejump:
     Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
     of a bump.  Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
     losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
     a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

Shin:
     The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
     where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
     from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!:
     A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
     hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
     (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

Skier:
     One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
     Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
     straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
     forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
     little crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should be
     quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor:
     The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse:
     To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
     methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
     The other method.


Thought of the Day:
Don't steal, the government doesn't like the competition
http://netnow.micron.net/~ktower
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 18:44:22 -0500
From:    Mark J Scheller <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Vasectomy

 After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
 that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that
 he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.  The
 doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
 that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was
 to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can
 up to his ear and count to 10.  The Arky said to the doctor, "I
 may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry
 bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

 So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The
 doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
 vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas.  This doctor
 also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a
 tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that
 both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry
 bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began
 to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...",  at which point he paused, placed
 the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 18:54:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Waiter, Waiter ...

Waiter, Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
- Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet!
- That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
- What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
- Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...

Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
- I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter, Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
- I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
- I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
- This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
- Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
- I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
- Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

Waiter, Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
- Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.

Waiter, Waiter, my bill please.
- How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this?
- Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.

Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this?
- That's bean soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
- Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
- How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was.


---
What's all this about hall fires and dalmatians?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 09:31:40 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Kids' Jokes <clean> (fwd)

		[Post Deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 10:23:32 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: A Good Couple <clean>

       I was in the subway today when I felt a hand in my pocket. I
       turned to the owner of the hand and asked, "What are you doing?"
       He said, "Looking for a match box."
       I asked, "Why didn't you ask for one?"
       He said, "I don't talk to strangers."

       *****

       A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy.
       Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed
       envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
       As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty
       hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our
       kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 31 Jan 1997 00:15:31 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Bussiness is good <adult, foul language, sexual theme>

A prostitute picked up a rich American in london and took him
to her apartment. After getting down to business she commented:
"Do you know sir , this business earns me $200 per hour."
To which the man replied: "That's nothing , my business in America
earns me $200 a minute."
"But don't forget" she said, "I've only got one cunt working for me."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard about the IBM Hardware CE who got 2 fingers ripped off while
repairing a card reader , and didn't even know about it until he was
saying goodnight to his manager.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Jan 1997 to 31 Jan 1997
************************************************
