HUMOR Digest - 29 Jan 1997 to 30 Jan 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 508 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sleeping beauty <adult>
  2. More Misc Jokes <adult humor>
  3. Classified Ads <clean>
  4. Psychiatrists <inoffensive>
  5. Mouse Balls (suggestive)
  6. Cartoon Humor
  7. Humor: a favorite quote
  8. The Dyslexic Nurse <adult>
  9. New words? <non-offensive>
 10. The Deadly Bus <<<<<< OFFENSIVE TO BLACKS, ALSO RACIST>>>>>>>
 11. REJECTED VICTORY SLOGANS FOR THE GREEN BAY PACKERS
 12. The pope  <offensive to catholics>
 13. Adultery - Fornication <not offensive>
 14. The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support <good clean
     fun>
 15. Humor:Abort,Retry,Ignore
 16. JOKE-RATED: May be offensive to Ebonites
 17. Fashion <suggestive>
 18. Kids' Jokes <clean>

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Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 00:08:49 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Sleeping beauty <adult>

George came home one day, very excited.
'Do you know what they are saying ?' he asked his wife Jean, ' they say our
janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one !'
Jean responded 'That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her'.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 05:31:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: More Misc Jokes <adult humor>

* Whoever originated the saying "You Can't Take It With You" obviously
  never met an old maid.
                                - - - - -

*    We've all seen the old fashioned "kissing booths" at the county
  fairs, but I had to admire the business smarts of one lil' blonde
  at a recent fair in rural West Virginia.  Beneath the standard
  "Kisses: Five Dollars" sign was a pair of woman's panties with
  "Ask About Our Other Bargains" printed neatly on them.
                                - - - - -

*    It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not
  well with her attractive daughter.  To her pointed questions, the girl
  tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching, and that a close
  friend of the family was responsible.
     With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house
  and confronted him.  The man readily admitted his guilt.
     "But I have a very good reason." the soon-to-be dad said. " I doubt
  I'll ever get married, and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to.  If
  your daughter presents me with a daughter, I'll give her $ 500,000.  If
  she bares me a son, I'll make it a million."
     "Now see here," said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable.  If
  it's a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance ?"
                                - - - - -

*    Recently a friend of mine showed up at work looking as if he'd just
  been in one hell of a fight.  Naturally, I had to ask what happened.
     "Well," he said, "here I was all ready for work and the button popped
  off my pants.  I ran next door to my neighbor's and asked if she could
  fix it real quick."
     "I see." I replied, "And she thought you were hitting on her, huh ?
  Still, she got a little carried away, I think."
     "Oh no !  Nothing like that." he went on. "She sewed in back on real
  quick and all, but then her husband came downstairs just as she was
  biting off the thread."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 12:46:13 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Classified Ads <clean>

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

      Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
      Children $2.00

      For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
      large drawers.

      Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
      extra pair to take home, too.

      We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it
      carefully by hand.

      For sale:  Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames.

      Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
      condition.

      Tired of cleaning yourself.  Let me do it.

      Vacation Special:  have your home exterminated. Get rid of
      aunts.  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

      Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family
      appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

      For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.

      Man, honest.  Will take anything.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 05:17:24 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Psychiatrists <inoffensive>

     The story is told of a playwright who went to
  a psychiatrist for help.  "I talk to myself," he
  complained.
     "Well," reassured the doctor, "lots of people
  talk to themselves."
     "But," protested the man, "you don't know
  what a bore I am."

                            Haim Ginott

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 10:29:02 EST
From:    "Heather D. Rielly" <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Mouse Balls (suggestive)

This was just sent to me by a friend:

"The following is claimed to be out of an IBM service database, no joke. So
that there is no confusion, it is referring to the little rubber-coated ball
that is found in the mouse input device. For some reason, my mind (sorry thing
that it is) just will not allow me to understand this in that context.

Text:

Mouse balls are now available as a FRU (Field Replaceable Unit). If a mouse
fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.

Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the
underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, and domestic
balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 09:52:49 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Cartoon Humor

Popular cartoonist, John McPherson shows a couple eating in an upscale
restaraunt.
The waiter is saying: "Order any thing from our desert cart and get this
'Joy of Liposuction' video absolutely free.


 *Life is like a box of chocolates. It's fattening.*

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 11:03:17 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: a favorite quote

"A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any other invention in
human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."

        D.W. McArthur

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 11:03:47 PST
From:    Name Withheld <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Dyslexic Nurse <adult>

Two doctors were walking down the hallway in the hospital talking to each
other.  All of a sudden, a stark-naked man came flying out of his room SCREAMING at the top of his lungs.  He ran past the doctors as fast as he
could.  "What the hell was that all about?" inquired the first doctor.
"Oh No!!" exclaimed the second.  "Is that dyslexic nurse working on this
floor today?"  "I don't know. Why?" said the first.  "Well, I wrote
instructions on that patient's chart for the attending nurse to prick
his boil."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 15:45:39 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: New words? <non-offensive>

     Forward to me by a friend.

Twenty words that don't exist, but ought to:

   1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive
      and refold a road map at the same time.

   2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability
      to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

   3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream
      of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus
      relieving the drinker from  (a) having to suck the nozzle, or
      (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear or nose).

   4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any
      more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

   5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around
      picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when
      they know the phones are not connected.

   6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
      vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
      dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
      putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

   7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department
      store by asking, "Do you work here?"

   8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy
      you  dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
      somehow `remove' all the germs.

   9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only
      be seen in the rearview mirror.

  10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front
      of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in,
      follow suit.

  11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people
      maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

  12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion
      that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

  13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
      swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
      room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug

  14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
      the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has
      to resort to the `illegal' side.

  15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb
      struggling to come to life.

  16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
      whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
      they want ground pepper.

  17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to
      undress in front of a household pet.

  18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
      number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

  19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after
      a dog presses its nose to it.

  20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
      always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
      up, even when you're only six inches away.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 16:28:16 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Deadly Bus <<< OFFENSIVE TO BLACKS, ALSO RACIST>>>>

Q:      The other day, a bus full of black passengers accidentally
        drove off the edge of a cliff, what was the tragedy?

A:      One seat was empty.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 18:19:56 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: REJECTED VICTORY SLOGANS FOR THE GREEN BAY PACKERS

REJECTED VICTORY SLOGANS FOR THE GREEN BAY PACKERS

10. Forget Disney World, I'm going to Dairy Land

9. Everyone dance-no not the Lambada - the Lameau-ada

8. Packer Super Bowl is down Pat

7. Tuna, casserole and New England "whine"...
   Life doesn't get any better than this

6. America's Favre-orite team

5. The Packers- No more whine with our cheese!

4. V for Vicodin

3. Patriots can't cut the cheese

2. You want cheese on that trophy?

1. We're better than any expansion team

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 18:19:16 EST
From:    Joel Marshall <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The pope  <offensive to catholics>

(Reprinted from Julius Alvin's Totally Gross Jokes Vol. II)

The Pope was kidnaped by some Italian Terrorists, who told him that, in
order to be released, he would have to be photographed screwing a 15 year
old girl. The terrorists figured that with this hanging over his head,
the Pope would stop the church's campaign against terrorism.
The pontiff was outraged. But after the terrorists made it clear that he
would be killed otherwise, he reluctantly agreed, but only on three
conditions.
"One," the Holy Father said, "the young girl must be blindfolded so she
cannot see what horrible thing is happening. Two, the girl must be
wearing earplugs so she can't hear."
"All right," the leader of the terrorists said. "What's the third
condition?"
The Pope replied, "The girl's got to have real big tits."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 17:37:52 -0600
From:    Joe Griggs <joe@IONET.NET>
Subject: Adultery - Fornication <not offensive>

Comedian George Miller used this in his act a few years back. Funny guy...
-----
I asked my dad, " What's the difference between fornication and adultery? "

Dad answers, " I've tried em both and I can't tell any difference."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 19:53:22 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support <good clean
         fun>

12> "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

11> "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

10> "So -- what are you wearing?"

 9> "Duuuuuude!  Bummer!"

 8> "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals,
     Cap'n."

 7> "Press 1 for Support.  Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.
     Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

 6> "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife,
     a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

 5> "I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that."

 4> "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

 3> "Hold on a second...  Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

 2> "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

 1> "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 17:48:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:Abort,Retry,Ignore

NEVERMORE

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light --
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no -- my database", I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

----
"All we are saying is, give pizza chants."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 22:58:03 -0600
From:    Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM>
Subject: JOKE-RATED: May be offensive to Ebonites

How do you say transvestite in Ebonics?

Susan B. Anthony

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 00:40:14 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Fashion <suggestive>

A 16 year old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud she
came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in
it. "What do you think mom." , she asked.
Her mother replied: "If I wore that when I was your age , you would
have been 5 years older."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Jan 1997 11:31:31 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Kids' Jokes <clean>

 "Mommy, mommy, why daddy got so few hairs on his head?"
 "He thinks a lot."
 "And why you got so many?"
 "Go eat your breakfast."

 ****

 A little kid asks an expecting woman:
 "What is in your tummy? "
 "My baby!"
 "Do you love him!"
 "You betcha!"
 "Why have you eaten him then?"

 ****

 Father says to his son.
 "You are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want
 to."
 "Thanx dad, I've quit two years ago."

 ****

 Johnny and his little sis are reading the book "Life of Animals".
 Suddenly
 they jump from the coach and run to their grandmother.
 "Grandma, grandma, can you have children?"
 "Oh my dear, of cause not, certainly not."
 Johnny turns to his little sis ans says triumphantly
 "I told you she is a male!!!"
 Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetics.

 ****

 "Why?" asks the father.
 "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
 "But that's right!"
 "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
 "What's the fucking difference?"
 "That's exactly what I said."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Jan 1997 to 30 Jan 1997
************************************************
