HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1997 to 29 Jan 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 657 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Less than Faithful <adult humor>
  2. Classified Ads <clean>
  3. Joke (Distasteful)
  4. Liars & Lying
  5. One evening in a diner (gross)
  6. Changing light bulb.  <offensive to women>
  7. Humor: Merged companies funnies
  8. The Statue
  9. It's A Wacky World
 10. misc.
 11. Real News <off to stupid passeng & drunk drivers>
 12. How cold is it <not offensive>
 13. <No subject given>
 14. Talkin' Yankee
 15. Barbie Speaks Out
 16. 75 Reasons Women Are NOT to Talk <language, sexist, adult>
 17. Performance Problem <adult, sexual>
 18. A Bunch Of PJs <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 03:18:56 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Less than Faithful <adult humor>

*    The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less
  than faithful.  He hired a private investigator to follow her and
  in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the
  "other man".
     The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving
  and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene.
  Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in
  what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
     He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
          Sir,
          It has been brought to my attention that for some
          time now you have been carrying on an affair with
          my wife.  So that we may settle this matter in an
          intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM
          on Friday next.
     The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner
  and sent the following reply:
          Dear Sir,
          I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this
          morning.  You may be advised that I will attend the
          scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

                                - - - - -

*    Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears.  "Oh Marie," she said to her
  maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair
  with his secretary."
     "I don't believe it for one minute."  Marie snapped.  "You're just
  saying that to make me jealous."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 13:34:29 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Classified Ads <clean>

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

      Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

      Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
      once, you'll never go anywhere again.

      Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
      meals, and smacks included.

      Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

      Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to
      travel.

      Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

      Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

      3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
      preferred.

      Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
      for efficient beating.

      Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
      illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

To be continued...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 07:51:02 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Joke (Distasteful)

Q - What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and getting
    a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?

A - They both are all right so long as you don't look down.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 05:13:13 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Liars & Lying

That feller lies so much he hasta' have his  wife call th' dog. -- Les Blair

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
          -- Samuel Butler

Some have learnt many Tricks of sly Evasion,
Instead of Truth they use Equivocation,
And eke it out with mental Reservation,
Which is to good Men an Abomination.
          --  Benjamin Franklin

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 14:19:26 GMT
From:    John Holton <johlt@IBM.NET>
Subject: One evening in a diner (gross)

I was having a bad day yesterday, and remembering this joke cheered me
up...

A man goes to a diner and orders a hamburger.  When it comes, there
are hairs sticking out of it, so he gives it back to the waitress and
asks her for another one.  She comes back with another burger, and
this one has hairs on it too, so he demands another one.  When she
goes back to the kitchen to place the order, he walks into the kitchen
and hides.  He sees the cook forming his hamburger by taking a handful
of ground beef, putting it in his armpit and pressing down with his
arm.  He came out from where he was hiding and said, "that's the most
disgusting thing I've ever seen!" and the cook says, "you should be
here on Wednesday when I make doughnuts."

-----------
http://members.aol.com/johlt

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 09:22:16 -0500
From:    "Alfonso E. Urdaneta" <aurdanet@URSA.ESS.HARRIS.COM>
Subject: Changing light bulb.  <offensive to women>

Q.  How  many Male Chauvinist Pigs does it takes to change a lightbulb
in the kitchen ?

A. 0.  Let the damm bitch cook in the dark.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 09:26:11 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Merged companies funnies

Examples of leveraging synergies from "Dogbert's TOP SECRET Management
Handbook":

Company #1             Company #2                   Merged Company
 ----------------     --------------------    -------------------------
Coca-Cola               Head                        Coke Head
(beverages)             (sports equipment)          (sports drink)


Bayer                   AST                          Bayer AST
(aspirin)               (computers)                  (nudist camps)


Hertz                   A.B.Dick                     Hertz Dick
(rental cars)           (office equipment)           (circumcisions)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 10:23:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Statue

 A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
 the front door.  "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."  She quickly
 rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
 powder.  "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
 you're a statue."

 "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
 it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.  "The Smiths bought one
 for their bedroom.  I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

 No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
 went to sleep.  Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
 went to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a sandwich
 and a beer.  "Here, " he said to the statue, "eat something.  I stood
 like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so
 much as a glass of water!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 10:48:00 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                          Millionaire Keeps His Night Job.

 N.Y. garbage man goes on collecting despite lottery win.
 By CHRIS OLERT Associated Press

 NEW YORK -- Sergio Martini became a rich man overnight but is still
reporting to work, doing a job some people wouldn't do for a million bucks.


 "I'm not the kind of guy to stay home and do nothing," the 12-year New
York City garbage man said Monday, working hatless in 15-degree wind chill
during a shift that started at midnight.

 "I feel more energetic now since winning," Martini added, tapping dripping
coffee cups out of the bottom of a litter basket. "I only have to work one
job now."

 The 50-year-old father of four won a $10.3 million Powerball lottery jackpot
Wednesday night. He will get about $370,000 a year for 20 years. Martini
had worked double shifts for the city Sanitation Department and drove his
brother's taxi to pay the bills. He quit the taxi job a day after winning
the lottery.

 "If that was me," co-worker Joe Giammarino said, "you'd be doing that
story in the Bahamas."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 11:06:16 CST
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: misc.

There are two classic "shaggy-dog" stories whose punchlines I
didn't see in the lists published here last week:

        Tarzan stripes forever
   and
        It's just a furry with a syringe on top

For a "shaggy-dog" story list to be canonical, it must include
these two.

BTW, I noticed that the person who published the list mis-called
them "shaggy puns."  The correct nomenclature is "Shaggy dog,"
because the name comes from the senseless old story about the
shaggy-dog contest, which I won't bother to repeat here and which
has come to refer to any long story that has no point or whose
point is a groaner of a pun.

The following is NOT a shaggy-dog story and is non offensive,
except to golfers, and golfers don't count . . .  all their
strokes.

        About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket
line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag
slung over his shoulder.  Since the line was long and airline
ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly averred
that he was on the PGA Tour.  Then he asked the question all
golfers ask: "Do you play?"

        I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't
very good. . . .   I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

        There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower
seventies?"

        "Yes," I admitted.

        "Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

        "Every hole," I confessed.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 11:48:31 -0800
From:    Don Engle <szengle@UCDAVIS.EDU>
Subject: Real News <off to stupid passeng & drunk drivers>

True story from Sacramento Bee, Sunday, Jan 26, 1997.

'The parents of a teenager disabled after sticking his head out of a moving
car and hitting a tree are suing Shasta County for letting the tree
protrude into the roadway. The plaintiffs claim the county is at fault
because it allowed the tree to "protrude and infringe" upon the roadway.
The car jumped a curb and sideswiped a pine tree while the person had his
head out the window. The driver told the CHP that he and his passenger were
drinking before the nighttime accident. He stuck his head out the window
because he was nauseous.'

Just goes to show you, you have to watch out for those trees on the side of
the road they will jump out and bite passengers every time! Helllloooo!!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 16:19:00 -0600
From:    Joe Griggs <joe@IONET.NET>
Subject: How cold is it <not offensive>

My good friend and life long pal "Corky Stoopy" sent this to me
----------------------------------

 HOW COLD IS IT?
  An annotated thermometer (degrees F)

   60    - Californians put on sweaters
           (if they can find one in their wardrobe)

   50    - Miami residents turn on the heat

   40    - You can see your breath
           Californians shiver uncontrollably
           Minnesotans go swimming

   35    - Italian cars don't start

   32    - Water freezes

   30    - You plan your vacation to Australia
           Minnesotans put on T-shirts
           Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
           British cars don't start
           Your boogers freeze

   25    - Boston water freezes
           Californians weep pitiably
           Minnesotans eat ice cream
           Canadians go swimming

   20    - You can hear your breath
           Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
           New York City water freezes
           Miami residents plan vacation further South

   15    - French cars don't start
           You plan a vacation in Mexico
           Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

   10    - Too cold to ski
           You need jumper cables to get the car going

    5    - You plan your vacation in Houston
           American cars don't start

    0    - Alaskans put on T-shirts
           Too cold to skate

   -10   - German cars don't start
           Eyes freeze shut when you blink

   -15   - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
           Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
           Miami residents cease to exist

   -20   - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
           Politicians actually do something about the homeless
           Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
           Japanese cars don't start

   -25   - Too cold to think
           You need jumper cables to get the driver going

   -30   - You plan a two week hot bath
           The Mighty Monongahela freezes
           Swedish cars don't start

   -40   - Californians disappear
           Minnesotans button top button
           Canadians put on sweaters
           Your car helps you plan your trip South

   -50   - Congressional hot air freeze
           Alaskans close the bathroom window

   -80   - Hell freezes over
           Polar bears move south

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 17:47:41 PST
From:    Name Withheld <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable. The
Constable approches...
C: Can I help ya lad?
I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car!
C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it?
I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key already in his hand) At    this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out.
C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself?
I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!
-----------------------------------------------------------

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They
each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs.  The Brit says,
"Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his
brew.
The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a
finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya
wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"

Forwarded from HXGW97A.@prodigy.com

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 19:36:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Talkin' Yankee

PORTLAND, Me., Jan 15.  In a move that has surprised educators
nationwide, the Portland Board of Education announced today that,
beginning January 20, all Portland schools would provide teacher
and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called Yankonics,
recognize Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help
Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English.

In its resolution, the Portland school board described Yankee English
as a distinct language, rather than a dialect of standard English.

The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived from the words
Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to
classify Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain
federal funds.

Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved
quickly to attack the announcement, with the Administration emphasizing
that it would refuse to grant special funding.

In Augusta, Gov. Angus King (Ind.) defended the resolution.
"They're not trying to teach Yankee English as a standard language.
They're looking for tools to teach children standard English so they
might be competitive,"  King told reporters.

An estimated 53 per cent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee
English at home and district officials say they have the lowest average
grade point averages in the district.

Reaction in the city was guarded, but supportive. Lobsterman John
Nadeau, 43, of Fore St. said, "Every yeah it gets hahda and hahda for
ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah
nawt, but at least its a staht."

The lunch crowd at DeMillo's echoed Nadeau's position.  Mary
Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside concurred.  "I've got two daughtahs,
neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV.
Sumthin needs to be done."

Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's
found his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times. "I
went down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close
to two days to figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest
assuahed, I was wicked confused when I gawt bahck."

Some, however, were not convinced.  Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw
artist in the Old Port said, "Deah Gawd.  Yeahs ago no one cahed so much
about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business.  I don't
see much use in this.  If people from away cahn't understahnd what weah
saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshets, oah wheyevah
they came frawm."

Asked if he'd lived in Portland all is life, Wentworth replied, "not
yet."

---
The thrill of victory, and the agony of delete.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 17:43:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Barbie Speaks Out

Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK
TIME!  There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that
earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done.

6.  A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising
account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA

---
Around here, safe sex is well in hand.......

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 23:03:47 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: 75 Reasons Women Are NOT to Talk <language, sexist, adult>

Here's the rest.  And don't think I'm biased - expect to see something
anti-male pretty soon.

 1.  She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
 2.  If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her
     anyway.
 3.  If she can talk, all she'll do is complain. 
 4.  Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
 5.  No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
 6.  Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
 7.  No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it
    has to do with hockey.
 8.  Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
 9.  Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and
    obey anyway.
11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be
    accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to
    hear anybody calling me back.
19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"
20. This is my dick.  I'm gonna fuck you.  No more stupid questions.
21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president.  (Oops, my bad -- see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).
27. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.
32. I don't care if you're in labor.  For the love of god, let
    me sleep.
33. Women caused the 18th amendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every
    bitchy word.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 00:29:57 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Performance Problem <adult, sexual>

Guy goes to the doctor and says: "I have 3 problems doc,"
"First , my wife is a sex maniac. Screw , screw , screw all night."
"I'm almost to tired to go to the office."
"Second , my secretary is a sex maniac. Screw , screw , screw all
day , it's absolutely burning me out."
"And thirdly , and that's the problem that really worry me ,
 is that is get blackouts when I wank."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Jan 1997 11:23:48 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: A Bunch Of PJs <clean>

      There was this ten-year old child who shot both his parents
      and pleaded with the judge for mercy because he was an orphan.

                               ***
      Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
      Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.

                               ***
      The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you
      give  me a ring?"
      "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

                               ***
      Young Man: Would you like to dance with me?
      Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby!
      Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.

                               ***
      If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at
      the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he
      thinks he is sexy.

                              ***
      A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you
      identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk. The young woman opened
      her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes,
      it's me alright."

                               ***
      A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
      "But  you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
      "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much
       more reliable than you."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1997 to 29 Jan 1997
************************************************
