HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1997 to 28 Jan 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 543 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The English <adult humor>
  2. Put-Downs
  3. The right price <off. to Bill & Hillary>
  4. Before you upgrade your software
  5. 10 ways to stress your roommate
  6. 'Twas the week before Super Bowl (offensive to Patriots)
  7. It's A Wacky World
  8. Here's Something everyone's been waiting for...     A PACKER RIP! < CLEAN
     >
  9. Stupid Brain Jokes, etc...
 10. 75 Reasons Women Shouldn't Talk <sexist, adult>
 11. Humor: Three Old Men
 12. Humor: Religious Left
 13. The Good And The Bad <Part 1,offensive to femmes>
 14. Woman Trouble

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 05:19:08 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The English <adult humor>

*    For centuries, the English have had a love affair with all types
  of hunting.  Early one morning, a fellow was blasting away at a clump
  of brush on a grouse hunt.
     Suddenly an outraged gentleman appeared and said "See here old man,
  you almost shot my wife with that volley."
     The hunter, properly shamed replied, "So sorry old chap.  Here, have
  a go at mine, over there."
                                - - - - -

*   Lord Cramsfelter was startled out of a deep sleep by his long time,
  and trusted valet, Burgess.
    "Oh, m'Lord, there's a bounder in congress with Her Ladyship, right
  under your own roof, as it were," announced the servant.
    Lord Cramsfelter leaped out of bed, hastily slipped into his robe,
  and grabbed his rifle from the mantle.  Together, he and Burgess went
  down the hall and quietly opened the door to Her Ladyship's boudoir.
  The situation was immediately obvious that indeed she was entertaining
  a gentleman in her bed.  The outraged Lord lifted his weapon, aimed
  very carefully and fired.
     When the smoke cleared, Burgess, voice filled with admiration said,
  "Oh Sir.  A sportsman ever, you got him on the rise."
                                - - - - -

* The origins of any number of expressions are often difficult to trace.
  It does seem however, one mystery has been solved.  It seems the old
  saying "Hurrah for our side" was traced back to the crowds lining the
  roads when Lady Godiva made her famous ride side-saddle through the
  streets of Coventry so long ago.
                                - - - - -

*   The young English lad was out on a date with a rather flat-chested
  lass.  Inside the darken theater, he put his arm around her and made
  a few preliminary passes.
     The girl stiffened indignantly and exclaimed, "Here, here !"
     The boy at once responded, "Where, where ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 05:08:16 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Put-Downs

          At an ambassadorial banquet, after everyone was seated, one of the
lady guests complained a bit too loudly that, according to the official
order of preference, she ought to be seated next to the ambassador. She was
found to be right, and several of the guests had to get up and move down to
make room for her.
          Feeling somewhat conscience-stricken at the fuss she had made, the
lady said to the ambassador:
          "You and your wife must find these questions of precedence
extremely troublesome."
          "Not really," was the reply. "We have found by experience that the
people who matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 15:15:04 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The right price <off. to Bill & Hillary>

>>>>> I got this from an American friend.<<<<<<<

Bill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he spotted a very
attractive young lady standing on a street corner.  Seizing the opportunity
he goes up to her and starts a conversation.  It doesn't take long for him
to find out that she is a prostitute.

"Well," says Bill, "How much do you charge?"
"One hundred and fifty dollars." she answers.
"One hundred and fifty dollars!"  Bill exclaims.
"Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars." she says.
"I can't believe you charge one hundred and fifty dollars."  He says.
"Well, how much do you think it should cost?"  she asks.
"About ten dollars."  Bill flatly states.
"TEN DOLLARS!"  she cries, "Sorry, it's one hundred and fifty dollars."

Bill shakes his head and continues his jog.
A few days later, he is out jogging late in the evening again, but this
time Hillary decides to join him.  Bill sees that the same prostitute is
standing on the street corner again and decides to steer Hillary away
from her, so they jog on the opposite side of the street.  The prostitute
however happens to see them running and yells:

"Hey, see what you get for ten dollars!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 08:26:13 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Before you upgrade your software

            Here are some things to watch for :

 Last Year, a software tester in New York upgraded his Girlfriend 3.1
 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (also marketed under the name Fiancee 1.0)

 Recently he upgraded GirlFiendPlus 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found it to be
 much more of a memory hogger.  Wife 1.0 has taken up all available
 space and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

 Other user reports indicate that many features of Wife 1.0 promised in
 the marketing literature were not available in the originally shipped
 product.  The company promised to include these features in the next
 release.

 Although he didn't ask for them, the tester found Wife 1.0 came with a
 series of plug-ins such as Mother-In-Law and Sister-In-Law which
 create significant system conflicts and can be responsible for regular
 crashes.

 Other users have reported trying to run GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend
 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and found they
 encountered conflicts.  Apparently, GirlFriend 1.0 does not support
 any currently available "uninstall" program.  Users report trying to
 install it by hand, but GirlFriend 2.0 put files in the system
 directory and left cookies in the browser.

 With all versions of GirlFriend, many users have reported the software
 is completely "object oriented" and only supports hardware with
 gold-plated contacts.

 Some features we'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0:
  - a "Don't Remind Me Again" button
  - a Minimize button
  - a Shutdown feature -- an install shield feature so that
    GirlFriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired
    but done in such a way that you don't lose cache and other
    objects.

            ********* BUG WARNING *********

 Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.  If you try to install Mistress 1.1
 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney and Quicken
 files before doing the uninstall itself.  Then Mistress 1.1 will
 refuse in install, claiming insufficient resources.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 12:34:41 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: 10 ways to stress your roommate

Originally from Bogdan Tinta <btinta@pcnet.pcnet.ro>          
Original author unknown.                                      
Translated into English by Lord Julus <ionifl@pcnet.pcnet.ro> 


10 methods to stress your roommate!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

1. Move all the things in one corner of the room. Then ask your roommate if he
   knows how much an elephant weights, looking very concerned the space left in
   the room.

2. Start wearing a crown. When your roommate asks you to take it of ask him,    very annoyed: "Who the hell do you think you are, some kind of a king to    give me orders?"

3. Stay in front of a chess table more than three hours not moving or saying    anything. Than conclude: "I think this game works faster if played in two"

4. Cook of buy french fries. Talk to them. Suddenly get realy mad, throw them    on the floor and crush them with your foot. Refuse to clean them up,    explaining:  I don t want them to suffer!"

5. Change the door lock. Do not allow your room mate to enter the room until he    cries the password really loud. Change the password very often. If he
   doesn't guess it ask him an enter fee.

6. Pull out of the socket all the electrical staff except the radiator. Pray to    the radiator. Bring it gifts. Throw some of the roommate s clothes out the    window, pretending the radiator made you do this.

7. Read the phone book during the exam time crying as hard as you can: "Jim    Jones!!! Oh, mama mia!!! 674-44-2345!! Oh, my God!!!"

8. Sit on a chair and just stare at your roommate for hours. Than call your    best friends to do the same thing.. Eat peanuts, throwing him some. Finally,    notice: "These ZOO are no longer what they used to be!"

9. Make sweet omelets every morning, but do not eat them. Draw some naked girls    on pieces of paper and put them together in the closed. Stay and watch them    for hours. Tell your roommate, looking very sad, that the "farm of the sweet    omelets" shows no progress. Tell him that you suspect that the sweet omelets    king is receiving bribe.

10. While ironing, pretend that you got burned. Make a fire in the middle of     the room. Then throw the iron in the fire. When your roommate objects      explain him that you want to answer him in the same way he acted against
    you.

...more to come soon!

- "Don't worry, enjoy the pain"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 12:54:07 -0500
From:    Sue Alexander <Suzered@AOL.COM>
Subject: 'Twas the week before Super Bowl (offensive to Patriots)

This was sent to my boss through e-mail.

     'TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE SUPER BOWL


'Twas the week before Super Bowl and all through the East
The Patriot fans were nervous as sheep.
Their AFC Championship hung by the chimney with care
With hopes that this wouldn't be like when they played the Bears.

While back in Wisconsin the fans all slept quite well
In their green and gold "jammies" licensed by the NFL.
With Reggie and Brett they couldn't lose this game
They'd stomp the Pat's quarterback...what's his name?

With Kathy and her title towel, and Mark in his packer cap
We dreamed of how many points they'd score against " the Pat's " .
1 touchdown, 2 touchdowns, 3 touchdowns, 4
Do you think Desmond Howard will return a punt for a score?

On Edgar, On Dorsey, On Antonio and Sean
On Eugene, On Keith, On Leroy and Don
And maybe, when the score is say 51 to none
We'll let the Pat's score a touchdown--but only one.

So, down in New Orleans the Pat's fans will see
The kid from Mississippi, the leagues MVP.
And you'll hear the man yelling after Reggie's third sack
You never stood a chance 'cause---THE PACK IS BACK!!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 13:38:56 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                     Germans Stick With Unflattering Surnames

 BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate
surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken)
and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine
reported Sunday.

 The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul
(Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig),
the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication
Monday.

 Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their
names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to
social pressure to change them.

 "Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?" said
one Herr Schwein.

 Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.



*" But Alice is not a German name." he said.
"Well there were twelve in the family and when my father saw me , he
said: 'Das ist Alles.'" she replied. *

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 17:02:29 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Here's Something everyone's been waiting for...     A PACKER RIP! <
         CLEAN >

Q:      Where do the Green Bay Packers go when there's a tornado?

A:      Lambeau Field, because there hasn't been a touchdown there in
years.

( Actually, there has been a touchdown there every game, but, it's just
another packer rip!)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 19:59:26 EST
From:    Tim J Nafziger <tnafziger@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Brain Jokes, etc...


   Student :  I hear that fish is brain food.
   Roommate: Yeah, I eat it all the time.
   Student :  Well, there goes another theory.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   "How long can a person live without brains?"
   "I don't know.  How old are you?"
 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   Father : Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?
   Mother : Probably.  I still have all mine.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------

   Don : She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two.
   Art : Then she's just the girl for you.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------

  A guy goes to an interview. He is asked "Where would you like to
  be in our organization". The candidate replied "In the interview
  board". The interviewer says "Are you mad ?". The candidate asks
  "Is it one of the prerequisites" ?
 -----------------------------------------------------------------

  My lawyer is so great a guy that once when he handled a case
  he confused everybody so much that the judge got arrested

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

  The moment a man entered his office his boss asked

  "Do you believe in re-birth".

  The man answers "Yes"

  The boss says "then its okay because your grandfather had
  come here after you left for his funeral"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 21:05:29 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: 75 Reasons Women Shouldn't Talk <sexist, adult>

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which
    they dont need to talk)
36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.
39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.
40. Rosanne.  Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter.  Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important
    dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk
    when she's talking.
47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get payed by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N.O.W.? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no.  Her head should never be above
    the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).
68. Because they're not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio?  You can't see them, do you really want to
    hear them?
74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?,"
    shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves

Written by the four-players of CORNELL:
Evan Camps, Brian Waldman, Rikus Linschoten, and the late-season
acquisition, the Deion Sanders of sexism, Pat Sicher.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 18:12:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Three Old Men

Sent From: "Ed Grannan" <edg@symphony.aud.alcatel.com>

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst
health problems.

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I
get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the
toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning
at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for
hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every
morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump
like a pig."

The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked
back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's
your problem?"

"I don't wake up till eleven," he replied.

---
Alzheimer's advantage #8: Hide your own Easter eggs.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 09:19:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Religious Left

RUSH LIMBAUGH'S COMMMANDMENTS ACCORDING TO THE RELIGIOUS LEFT

  I. Thou shalt have no other God except thyself; after all; it's thy
     self- esteem that counts.  If thou doth not love thee, who will?

 II. Thou shalt not make any graven images out of any substance which
     cannot be recycled.

III. Though shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including
     feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a
     victim of America.

 IV. Remember the anniversaries of Roe v. Wade and Anita Hill's testi-
     mony before the Senate Judiciary Committee and keep them holy.

  V. Honor thy mother.  If she's dysfunctional, it is thy father's fault.

 VI. Thou shalt not kill.  With these exceptions: life forms under the
     second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Unless thou aspirest to high
     political office, useth a condom, or cannot help it.

VIII Thou Shalt not steal.  Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with
     a jury verdict.

 IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness.  Unless thou art discussing the
     history of the 1980's, art campaigning, or can afford good legal
     counsel in the event thou art discovered--and can ask the American
     people to pay thy legal bills.
 
  X. Thou shalt not covet.  Unless thou art a victim of gender-related
     oppression or institutional racism, or art still angry with
     Reagan's tax cuts.

 XI. Always hide the real truth about thyself.

XII. Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.

XIII Always blame someone else for what thou doest--even so far as to
     blame the entire society.

XIV. Thou shalt oppose all punishment--except when conservative
     Republicans or religious right people criticize thee.

---
I got caught littering on the Information SuperHighway.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 10:25:01 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Good And The Bad <Part 1,offensive to femmes>

  *   Good girls say " thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
  *   Bad girls say, " what's for breakfast?"

  *   Good girls never go after another girl's man...
  *   Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

  *   Good girls wear white cotton panties
  *   Bad girls don't wear any.

  *   Good girls wax their floors...
  *   Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

  *   Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
  *   Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

  *   Good girls make chicken for dinner...
  *   Bad girls make reservations

  *   Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
  *   Bad girls know they could do better

  *   Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
  *   Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

  *   Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
  *   Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of       pearls...

  *   Good girls love italian food...
  *   Bad girls love italian waiters.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Jan 1997 00:18:32 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Woman Trouble

"I was maried 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner , "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives
died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wive died of a fractured
skull."
"That's a shame." siad his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1997 to 28 Jan 1997
************************************************
