HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1997 to 27 Jan 1997
There are 19 messages totalling 657 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. In The News - Humorous news quips
  2. Joke <Off. to Irishman>
  3. Moore on Women <adult humor>
  4. Obvious Truth
  5. airplane <may be offensive to men>
  6. 100 ways to freak out your roommate 5/5
  7. bar joke <may be offensive to japanese and sears>
  8. Religion <inoffensive to all>
  9. car joke <not offensive>
 10. A beer drinker's troubleshooting manual <not offensive?>
 11. Wishful Thinking
 12. A Blonde meets a Rooster << Offensive to Women and Blondes >>
 13. News of the Weird
 14. Magical Apple
 15. Ta-dum
 16. Snappy Answers to Stupid 911 Requests
 17. At the "knock-shop" <adult>
 18. Poetry Time This??
 19. joke-clean: How Do U Pray?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 23:13:29 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous news quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, America Online,
postal workers, pushy men, managed health care workers, Elizabeth
Taylor. Includes sexual and drug references, and one incidence of the
sh.. word.

Well folks, it's Super Bowl Sunday! Most of America will be watching
the game today - in fact, the only ones who won't be able to see the
game are those in the top rows of the stadium. Betting is heavy on this
game - Las Vegas odds are 5 to 1 that the commercials will be better
than the game.

President Clinton delivered a heartfelt inagural address, reminiscent
of John F. Kennedy's: "Ask not what your country can donate to you, ask
what you can donate to your country." Given the nation's deficit, the
"bridge to the 21st century" will probably be a toll bridge.

Vice President Al Gore's daughter Karenna says she doesn't like her
Secret Service codename, "Smurfette." She wants something more
dignified, like, say, Tipper.

Many people wonder why some political donations are called soft money.
It has to do with the way it's laundered.

Testimony is finally over in the OJ Simpson civil trial. Books from
the new witnesses should be hitting the bookstores Monday. Closing
arguments were finished this week. In an attempt to keep the
proceedings brief, lawyers for both sides limited their speeches
to, "Did so!" "Did not!" Jury pay is the same as in the criminal
trial. Fifty thousand dollars for the fisrt draft, $100,000 on
completion of the manuscript.

Millions of customers are threatening to sue America Online. Well,
actually, only five people filed suit. The rest of the customers just
sent e-mail saying "Me too!" (from rec.humor.funny) Due to systems
being down, many customers have been forced to give up computer sex
and go back to the old way - phone sex. (Leno)

A US district judge has ruled that military bases cannot ban the sale
of Penthouse magazines. It's a First Amendment ruling - one look at
Miss February, and you have the right to remain speechless.

A Dublin court has granted Ireland's first divorce. The Irish are so
unfamiliar with the legal ramifications, Liz Taylor is being flown in
to conduct a seminar.

In Vermont, citizens say they think farmers should grow hemp for a
variety of products. 55% of people polled say they would buy jeans made
from hemp. The jeans are comparibly priced to regular jeans, except for
the ones from Hawaii, which of course, are very high quality and more
expensive.

HMO's plan to raise premiums this year. Most programs offer three
levels of care: fully managed, partially managed, and we don't.

A heart study shows that pushy men who interrupt a lot die younger.
Yeah, their wives can only take so much.

The worlds oldest tools were found in Ethopia. Archeologists have
already determined that they were borrowed from neighbors and never
returned.

A restored Glendale California post office has reopened as a historic
landmark. Adding to the building's authenticity are stacks of 1930's
mail still sitting in bins unsorted.

Graffiti, often hailed as artwork in a place called the Graffiti Pit
in Venice Beach California, was painted over by accident by a cleanup
crew. Venice has been flooded with calls from communities willing to
donate their graffiti.

And finally, according to People magazine, a "Three's Company" reunion
show may be in the works, but only if there's a good plot. Right, you
don't want to damage the integrity of a show by some cheap knockoff.

WARNING - I suffer from CRS (Can't Remember Shit)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 02:33:01 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Joke <Off. to Irishman>

First Irishman : What do you think of the Kuwait position ?
Second Irishman: My wife and I tried it but it hurt her back.

**********
Take your choice- be an old maid and look for a husband every
day, or marry and look for him every night.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 05:18:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Women <adult humor>

* Women can be so damn catty sometimes.  I overheard one steno say
  to the other, as they watched the boss' secretary wiggle by: "There
  goes the original good time had by all."
                                - - - - -

*    The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached
  her 100th birthday.  Naturally, he had to ask the standard question:
  "And to what do you attribute your remarkable long life ?"
    "Well sonny," she said thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately,
  worked hard, don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."
    Moving along, the reporter then said, "I see.  Tell me though,
  have you ever been bedridden ?"
     "Well... sure !" she said somewhat flustered, "But don't you dare
  to print that in your gawl darn paper."
                                - - - - -

* One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they
  offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a
  business trip.  Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of
  the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the
  offer.  I understand both written and telephoned responses are still
  flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?!?!?"
                                - - - - -

*    For those of you who don't know, Howard County in Maryland is home
  to a large "planned city" called Columbia.  For reasons unknown, it
  seemed to attract a lot of Yuppies, some of whom are rather pretentious.
  Those of us in the western part of the county, who are far less uptite,
  can't resist yanking these people's chains every so often.  (Actually
  whenever we get the chance, to be honest).  Anyway, at a recent social
  event I ran into one crushing bore who was extolling the virtues of
  her little community within Columbia.
     "In Long Reach, we place all our emphasis on good breeding," she
  said, nose in the air, as if some foul odor was attacking her senses.
     "Well," I replied, "We think good sex is a lotta fun out here too,
  but we still manage to foster a variety other interests as well."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 05:47:56 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Obvious Truth

Without the skin as a protective envelope, the
body would rapidly equilibrate with the
environment, a situation not compatible with
life.

                         Dr. David R. Bickers

----------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 13:11:32 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: airplane <may be offensive to men>

A man traveling by airplane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but
each time he tried, it was occupied.  The flight attendant, aware of his
predicament, suggested he used the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned
him not to press any of the buttons.  There next to the paper roll were four
buttons marked respectively:  WW  WA  PP  ATR. Making the mistake soooo many
men make of NOT listening to a women, he disregarded what she said when his
curiosity got the best of him.  He carefully pressed the WW button and
immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed on his bare bottom.  He
thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice.  So, a little more boldly he
pressed the WA button.  Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom
and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so
long in the bathroom with these kind of services!  So he pushed the next
button, PP, with anticipation.  A soft disposable powder puff swung below
him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.  Man, this is great, he thought
as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the
morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find
out where he was and what had happened.  He explained the last thing he
remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.  The nurse
explained, yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the
Automatic Tampon Remover button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 13:11:34 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 100 ways to freak out your roommate 5/5


80.When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
   leave.

81.Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
   them.

82.Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
   without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes
   than call whoever it was back.

83.Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
   your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

84.Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God
   Damnit.

85.Burn incense.

86.Eat moths.

87.Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
   next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next
   day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

88.Collect Chia-Pets.

89.Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

90.Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
   bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

91.Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.

92.If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
   Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
   dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

93.Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

94.Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.

95.Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
   replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around.
   Drink it.

96.Don't ever flush.

97.Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

98.Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
   them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

99.Lick him/her while they are asleep.

100.Dress in drag.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 13:14:40 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: bar joke <may be offensive to japanese and sears>

BAR JOKE

This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool,
and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seats
taken!" The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks
him several times with the back of his hand
and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from
Japan." Next day the little dude returns, before the
big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and
the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the
bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from
Sears."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 15:59:51 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Religion <inoffensive to all>

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course & invites
them to come to his church some Sunday...and not too many weeks thereafter,
just as services are starting, they show up.  Attendance was good in the
small Methodist church, and there wasn't a pew available; several church
members were already seated on folding chairs.  When the minister, just
starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down
from the pulpit and stage-whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three
chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."  The usher, hard of hearing,
leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"  "Get three chairs for my
Baptist friends," repeated the minister, but the usher strained closer with a
puzzled look still on his face.  Once more the minister tried, speaking
slowly and distinctly.  "Three chairs.  For the Baptists," he enunciated.
 The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the
congregation.  "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled
worshippers.  "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 17:54:31 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: car joke <not offensive>


A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Turbo
BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs
him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a
red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up
next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and
asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?".  The young man replies "A
1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.  "That's a lot of money" says the
old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much? "Because this car can do up to
320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks,
"Can I take a look inside? "Sure" replies the owner.  So, the old man pokes
his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old
man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"  Just then, the light
changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He
floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.  Suddenly,
he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something
whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than
my Turbo BeepBeep?" the young man asks himself.  Then, ahead of him, he sees
a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite
direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be
," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" Again, he
sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!  It plows into
the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and
Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!!  Of course the moped and the old man
are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're
hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"  The old man groans and
replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 17:59:01 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: A beer drinker's troubleshooting manual <not offensive?>

A Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Manual
_______________________________

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually
         pale and clear.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of
         your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face

ACTION:  Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.  Drink as many as
         needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner
         about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT:   Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION:  Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not, complain
         loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light
         strip across it.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
         stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT:   The Bar is closing.
ACTION:  Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.  You cannot see
         anything in your bedroom.
FAULT:   You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION:  Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not, treat
         yourself to a lie-in.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 17:23:58 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Wishful Thinking

                        THINGS YOU WISH YOU'D HEAR

 From your auto mechanic:
        "That part is much less expensive than I thought."
        "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
        "You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
        "It was just a loose wire - No charge."
 From your daughter/son's preschool teacher:
        "Everyone misbehaved today, except Mary/Michael."
        "Mary/Michael traded her/his candy bar for carrot sticks."
        "I wish we had 20 Marys/Michaels."
 From a store clerk:
        "The computerized cash register is down.  I'll just add up your
          purchases with a pencil and paper."
        "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at
          your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund
          - whichever you prefer."
 From a contractor:
        "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
        "I think I came in a little high on that estimate."
 From a dentist:
        "I think you're flossing too much."
        "I won't ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."
 From a restaurant server:
        "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name,
          but since you ask, it's Tim."
        "I was slow and inattentive.  I cannot accept any tip."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 18:43:08 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Blonde meets a Rooster << Offensive to Women and Blondes >>

Q:      What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A:      A rooster says " Cockadoodledo " and a blonde says
        " Anycockeldoo " ( any cock will do )


------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 20:10:19 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: News of the Weird

>From "News of the Weird" by Chuck Shepherd

The township supervisors in East Marlborough, Pa., proposed an
ordinance in November to ban offensive smells within the town,
requiring that a panel of people who possess "ordinary and
reasonable sensibility" be convened to determine which odors are
not acceptable.  The issue arose when one supervisor complained
about the smell from a chinese restaurant.

On December 5, for the 17th consecutive year, hundreds of Thai
men underwent free vasectomies to honor King Bhumibol
Adulyadej, 69, on his birthday.  The day-long festivities included
free food and drink and a condom-inflating championshiop.  The
king has been praised by family-planning organizations for cutting
Thailands population growth rate by two-thirds over the last 25
years.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 20:33:49 -0500
From:    Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: Magical Apple

A man visits the Geneva Fair for new inventions. There he sees a chinese man
displaying an apple - in appearance just a normal apple. He asks " Why is
this a new invention ? " and the chinaman replies " Taste, taste " - with a
chinese accent, of course. The man tries the apple and says " But it tastes
just like a normal apple ! ". The chinaman says " Turn, turn " so the guy
turns the apple and takes a  bite. " Wow" - he says now it tastes just like a
strawberry !".  Turn, turn" says the chinaman. "Wow now it tastes like an
orange - this is
fantastic. Can you make one of these that tastes like a woman's pussy ?" and
the chinaman replies " Come black tomollow ". The next day the guy rushes in
and runs straight up to the apple and takes a bite. " Oh yuk - it tastes just
like shit !! " and the chinaman says " Turn, turn ! "

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 22:16:53 EST
From:    Larry Barnes <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: Ta-dum

An elderly lady and a young man are waiting at the bus stop. The bus is
very late, and they begin talking. "Oh, you're such a nice young man.
Let me tell you a nice joke." So she tells a very clean joke about a
dog and cat. "Do you have any jokes?" she asks.
"Well, only one, but it's really DIRTY."
"Oh, no, I can't stand filthy language!"
"Well, what if for every dirty word I substitute 'ta-dum'?"
"Well...OK"
"All right, here goes." He thinks for a moment, then begins.
"Ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum,tadum,
Ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum.
Ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum,
Ta-dum,ta-dum, FUCK."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 19:59:44 -0800
From:    Eric Clark <klucko@COMPUMEDIA.COM>
Subject: Snappy Answers to Stupid 911 Requests

Over the past week, there has been a really bad winter storm in Seattle,
shutting everything down.  Thus, all emergency crews were working
overtime.  However, some people still had the gall to make stupid 911
requests.  What did the operator say?  Here are some possibilities:

Stupid Question:"Do I have to put money in the parking meters?'
Snappy Response:"No, those things are there to make the streets look
prettier.  Only dolts put money in them."

SQ: "I am watching my neighbor's dog.  It's in the garage.  Should I let
it in?"
SR: "I don't advise it.  I think you will have more fun by sitting hours
on end in the garage staring at it."

SQ: "Can you unplug my coffee pot if I left it on?"
SR: "Yes!  I will stop recording all these annoying complaints from all
these people and come to your house IMMEDIATELY to do so."

SQ: "Is the unemployment office open?"
SR: "Who needs that?  When the storm is finished, there will be _plenty_
     of work for you to do."

SQ: "Why is the power to my house out, but my neighbor's is not?"
SR: "Because you ask stupid questions."

SQ: "If I parked my car in a tow-away zone, what is going to happen?"
SR: "Little munchkins and trolls will steal your headlights.  Didn't you
     know that is why they call it a 'tow-away zone?'"

SQ: "What should I do with my Christmas tree?"
SR: "If you wait a bit, I will have _no_ problem sticking it somewhere.
     Ever hear of 'the man in the mirror'?"

SQ: "If I put my chains on my rear-wheel drive car, and it's rear-wheeled,
     will it be ok?"
SR: "No.  You should put those chains over your mouth.  Then no one will
     kick your ass for being so annoying."

SQ: "Can you send an officer over to put my tire chains on, because I
     don't know how?"
SR: "Most Definitely.  They are merely wasting their time saving lives,
     prevent traffic accidents, and other such useless actions.  I will
     immediately order on the dispatch to send a dozen over to you place."

SQ: "Are the roads clear to the ski resorts?"
SR: "Yes!  Where do you think the snow-removal equiptment went that was
     supposed to clear the heavily travelled, unplowed roads?"

SQ: "Are there any rooms at the North Bend Hotel?"
SR: "Why yes, there are!!!  All those people on TV who are staying in the
     Salvation Army shelter in North Bend prefer cold, noisy auditoriums than
     to quiet, clean, comfortable rooms."

Finally, CNN called the King County Communications Center and asked if
people lived in the space needle. (True fact - according to the paper).  A
snappy response?

"Yes, and in fact, there is a condo opening up there right now!!! If you
have $1 million in cash on hand, and send it to me, I can get you that
unit!"

Stupid Questions from the Eastside Journal (Jan 1).

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 00:48:35 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: At the "knock-shop" <adult>

A guy went to a knock-shop to have a good time.
After looking at the options he asked the lady at the counter:
"Do you have something a little less expensive?"
"Of course", she replied , "try Mary on the 5th floor."
So up he went. The next morning on his way down the stairs she
coughed and scratched her palm saying: "Aren't you forgetting
something?" "Gosh , I'm sorry" , he said and pressed a 50 sent piece
into her hand. "This won't cover it" , she exclaimed.
"No" , he said , "And neither would a dusbin lid."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 12:13:17 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Poetry Time This??

  He put his hand around my neck,
  So tight I couldn't scream,
  And he took me up into his room,
  So we could not be seen,
  He took off all my wrappings
  And gazed upon my form.

  As I stood cold and shivering,
  While he was hot and warm,
  He touched me with his feverish lips,
  And placed me on my rear -
  And made me what I am today,
  An empty bottle of beer.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Jan 1997 12:18:00 PST
From:    RAO NIKHIL /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: joke-clean: How Do U Pray?

    ARIES           Dear God, please give me patience... and could you
                            do it right now?

    TAURUS          Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.

    GEMINI          Dear God!  Who is God?   Where is God?   Why is God?

    CANCER          Dear God!!!

    LEO             Yes?

    VIRGO           Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it
                                        up like You did the last time.

    LIBRA           Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the
                        other hand, what do you think is best?

    SCORPIO         Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our
                        debtors, even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!

    SAGITTARIUS     Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a
                        million times, help me stop exaggerating.

    CAPRICORN       Dear God!  I'd like to ask you to help me, but I
                        learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

    AQUARIUS        Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is
                        ridiculous!!

    PISCES          Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth
                        of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for
                        Thy glory.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1997 to 27 Jan 1997
************************************************
