HUMOR Digest - 25 Jan 1997 to 26 Jan 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 458 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. young scientific minds
  2. Short Joke Suggestive
  3. Policemen and the way they hold things <offensive to policemen>
  4. Golf anyone?
  5. Rush Job Calendar (not off.)
  6. Sex Spam <mildly crude>
  7. It's A Wacky World
  8. 3 Unrelated Jokes <adult humor>
  9. church humor <sick, maybe offensive to anyone religioous>
 10. 100 ways to freak out your roommate 4/5
 11. Chucking Stones in the pond < Offensive to blacks, chinese, and is also
     RACIST >
 12. Humor: Last Will & Testimony
 13. Chaplain's Thought

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Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 00:55:52 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: young scientific minds

>From the Jan. 1997 mini-AIR:

1997-01-08      Food for Thought: Elegant Gooeyness

Investigator Laura Fuller writes:
I am a high school senior. Here are the results of a three year
mathematics experiment. Once each year I take my math homework,
wrap it plastic, and scrunch the whole thing up and put it in into
a cup of chocolate pudding. I take the cup of pudding to math
class, and when the teacher asks for our homework I hand her the
cup and say, "The proof is in the pudding." Three different
teachers in three years. It gets 'em every time.


Jack Kolb; Dept. of English, UCLA

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Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 04:17:38 -0500
From:    Andy Lodge <ALodge8719@AOL.COM>
Subject: Short Joke Suggestive

A older friend of mine was telling me today that during the 1950 's when the
UK army contained conscripts a chemical substance was secretly added to the
morning tea to reduce their sexual urges.

He had just noticed that it was starting to work.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 06:34:51 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Policemen and the way they hold things <offensive to policemen>

It was serge's birthday so the guys at the section decided to buy
him a flower vase. They bought it, packed it and gave it to the
sergent. When he opened the package, the vase was upside down.
Puzzeled, the sergent stood just looking at the vase, in a trance.
He called one of the guys and told him:
"Hey, Jim, look this vase you bought me has no hole!", and he
knocked with his finger on the bottom of the vase. "There's no
place to put the flowers!!"
Jim looked, also puzzeled and said:
"Look serge, I'm gonna take this to the boys at the lab and
they'll make three holes here, so you'll be able to put three
flowers".
And as he spoke, he took the vase and felt the top of the vase
(still upside-down) and exclaimed:
"Oh, no!! Look, serge there's no way we can do that: It can't hold
the water!!!"

------------------------------------------------------

A officer was walking on the street and wanted to light his
ciggar. He took the matches and picked a match (holding it the
other way around). He rub it and, obviously the match didn't light.
"Ah, this one's broke" said the officer and throw it away.
He took another one and the same thing happened. After five matches
were thrown away, he finally took a match an hold it correct. He
rub it and the match was lit. Then the officer quickly blow it off
and said:
"Ok, this one's good... I'll keep it!!"

------------------------------------------------------

One policeman was trying really hard to hammer a nail into a wall.
But he was holding it the other way around, kicking the point of
the nail. After he bended ten nails, he called for the serge.
The sege took the nail and hold it in front of his eyes. After a
while he said:
"Jim, you are really stupid. Can't you see? This nail is supposed
to be hammered on the OTHER side of the wall!!"

------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many policemen do you need to change a bulb?
A: Five: one is holding the bulb and the other four are turning
the table.

------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why policemen have metal on their shoulders?
A: So they can hear when it rains!
Q: Why do they have metal on both shoulders?
A: So they can hear it stereo.

------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why when a policemen sits on  bench the bench breaks?
A: Because the smart one always give up first!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 08:17:43 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Golf anyone?

 A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he
 sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The
 speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."  The speck gets
 even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

 Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and
 scuba gear.  She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since
 you've had a cigarette?"

 "Ten years!" he says.  She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket in her
 left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.  He takes one, lights
 it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

 Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

 He replies, "Ten years!"  She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
 the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.  He takes a long swig and
 says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

 Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
 suit and she says to him,  "And how long has it been since you've played
 around?"

 And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
 there!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 10:32:26 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: Rush Job Calendar (not off.)

I came across this on another humor list I sub to.  Enjoy :->

- - - - - - - - - -
The RUSH JOB CALENDAR

   NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
        8   7   6   5   4   3   2
       16  15  14  12  11  10  9
       23  22  21  20  19  18  17
       32  30  28  27  26  25  24
       39  38  37  36  35  34  33


1.  This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.
    All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this
    calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered
    on the 3rd.

2.  Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three
    Fridays in every week.

3.  There are eight new days added to each month to allow
    for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

4.  There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late
    delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

5.  Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with
    non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6.  A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping
    the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

                         by: Simon Hurrell

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 10:49:41 -0500
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sex Spam <mildly crude>

Periodically, I get junk mail for web sites I suspect are intended for the
male of this species, which I'm not.  On a whim, I started forwarding all
those sex kitten invitations to a male friend who has yet to explore the
fullness of the internet.  He sent this reply:
  ***
From: Blugrass2@aol.com
Subj: Awesome....

I must say I am totally SHOCKED that you would even consider
sending me such smut over the ether waves...You must think I'm
some sort of pathetic, sex-starved computer geek with nothing
better to do with my time than to spend it looking at pictures of
half naked beautiful, young, uninhibited, free-thinking,
pert-breasted, flat-tummied, trim thighed, hard-nippled,
pouty-lipped, cyber sluts.  All I can say is THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 12:12:55 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

This story gives real meaning to the phrase: "Hell hath no fury like a
woman scorned."

                 Jilted Indonesian Woman's Revenge.

JAKARTA, Indonesia (Reuter) -- A jilted Indonesian woman
allegedly released six cobras in a crowded Jakarta karaoke bar to teach her
former boyfriend a lesson.
 The woman was later arrested by police, the official Antara news agency
reported Monday. No one was injured in the incident.

 The agency quoted police as saying the 29-year-old woman released the
cobras over the weekend at the bar where her former boyfriend of three
years worked. Antara did not specify on which day the incident took place.

 "The woman confessed she intentionally brought the poisonous snakes to the
karaoke bar to give her unfaithful boyfriend a lesson," it said.  The woman
accused her former lover, identified only as Tu, of having an affair with a
co-worker, said the agency.

 "Tired of searching for Tu, she released the cobras among the crowd, which
ran helter-skelter," said Antara. One of the cobras was clubbed to death by
policemen and the bar's security guards, but no one was bitten. The woman
and the cobras were taken into police custody.

 It was the second time this month that cobras have been in the news in
Jakarta. A police chief in suburban east Jakarta revealed a plan last week
to use cobras for crowd control to frighten demonstrators.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 14:02:39 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: 3 Unrelated Jokes <adult humor>

*    We've all heard tales about how this branch of the military or
  that one is the tuffest.  Well, let me tell y'all about one of the
  strictest unit commanders ever to serve in the US Navy.  It was the
  policy of our Commanding Officer that he, and he alone would approve
  any and all leave.  I approached him one day and asked for time off
  to get married in a few months.
     He looked me straight in the eye, and said "Denied.  Son... if
  we'd have wanted you to have a wife, we'd have issued you one !"
                                - - - - -

*    Like a lot of good secretaries, mine was concerned not only about
  things around the office, but my personal well-being as well.  Now
  while this young lady was not a soap-box evangelist, she was quite
  religious.  Knowing too much perhaps about some of my antics, a few
  strayings, as well as my occasional "walk on the wild side", she asked
  if I had ever given any thought to Heaven.
     Perhaps being a little too flippant, I told her that indeed I had
  considered Judgement Day, and thought my logical (and only) course of
  action would be to have the best lawyer available.
     She sat there a moment, trying to gauge if I were serious or not,
  then replied, "And just where are ya gonna find any lawyer at all --
  good or bad, in Heaven ?"
     I attended her Church the very next Sunday.
                                - - - - -

*    For those of you too young to remember, as well as those not even
  born yet, the fifties were a different time with a different set of
  morals and customs than any of you can imagine.
     I was dating this one lass steadily for about a month or so, when
  her Father called me aside for the dreaded "talk".  He asked me if my
  intentions toward his daughter were honorable or dishonorable.
     I replied, "Gee Mr. (Smith), I didn't realize I had a choice."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 14:23:38 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: church humor <sick, maybe offensive to anyone religioous>

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
 The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat
pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher
got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all
there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came
flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".  The minister said
"That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back
down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the
minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?"
the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".  The
Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon.  The
man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the
minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their
second child?"  the wife started to poke the  husband but he jumped up and
said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 14:23:41 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 100 ways to freak out your roommate 4/5

61.Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
   and go shower too.

62.Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
   mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

63.Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

64.Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
   you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks,
   say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your
   roommate.

65.Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

66.Follow him/her around on weekends.

67.Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

68.Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

69.Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

70.Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

71.Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

72.Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
   anything, just stare.

73.Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
   important but you can't remember who it was.

74.Let mice loose in his/her room.

75.Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
   problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask
   your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you
   don't trust your ceiling.

76.Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

77.Skip to the bathroom.

78.Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
   for an entire weekend.

79.Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
   his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.

80.When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
   leave.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 18:40:55 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Chucking Stones in the pond < Offensive to blacks, chinese,
         and is also RACIST >

This one chinese man  was skipping stones in a pond when a black man
strolled up to him.  The chinese man chucked a stone, and it skipped
across the water, making the sound " ching- chang- chong," each time
striking the water.
The chinese man threw another stone, and it made the exact same sound
again.  The black man asked him why it would make that sound every time.
The chinese man said, " Because Ching was for my dad, Chang was for my
grandfather, and Chong was for my great-grandfather."
The Chinese man said the black man should try it but he disagreed.  The
chinese man insisted, and gave him a rock.
The black man stepped up to the pond, threw the rock, and it made the
sound.......


" Chim-pan-zee"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 19:00:29 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Humor: Last Will & Testimony

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her
will after her long awaited death.

"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Jan 1997 01:11:34 -0500
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Chaplain's Thought

Posted by: Chaplain Palindro Meemordnilap

Chaplain's Thought

  Sunday at precisely 6:18 p.m. Eastern Standard Time is the kick-off
 of Super Bowl XXXI.  If history repeats itself, and it probably will,
 I will end up like all armchair quarterbacks who put away more beer
 than humanly possible, shouting chow into the cool depths of the
 porcelain punchbowl. Thus, it seemed to me that there would be no
 better time to share with you my favorite football story.

  Exactly three decades ago this month Super Bowl I was won by the
 Green Bay Packers led by their legendary coach, Vince Lombardi,
 probably the most revered coach in NFL history.  Under his tutelage
 Green Bay won 5 championships in 7 years between 1962 and 1968.  A
 reporter once asked Coach Lombardi what was the secret to the
 phenomenal success of the Packers.  The reporter expected one of the
 stock answers such as "hard work and dedication," or "superior
 talent," or "excellent coaching."  But he was completely taken aback
 by the response he received.

  Lombardi looked him straight in the eye and said, "The Green Bay
 Packers are so successful because before each game, a small cactus is
 inserted into their trousers. That way, it keeps them on their toes
 and they know that the sooner they win the game, the sooner the cactus
 comes out. Of course if they lose, the cactus stays for a week or
 so."  Now I don't think that Vince Lombardi is a great theologian, but
 it seems to me that he hit on an important spiritual truth here.  And
 it isn't much of a reach to carry this principle over into our work
 places and families.  When love is present as the guiding force,
 success is virtually assured.  But where selfishness, jealousy,
 suspicion, and indifference abound, failure is just about a foregone
 conclusion.

  The Bible has a lot to say about love, but one that seems to me to
 fit well into the context of a football game (or a dog-eat-dog world)
 is this one:

   "She said `No huggy, no kissy 'til I get a wedding ring.' My honey my
    baby don't put my love up on a shelf! She said `Don't gimme no
    lines, and keep your hands to yourself.'" - Song of The Georgia
    Satellites 8:6,7

 At least I think it's from the Bible. I may have started on the beer
 too soon. Anyway, when love is the guiding force, victory is assured,
which is why the football players pat each other on the buttocks after
a successful play, making sure their cacti are in place.

May that sort of tough love be yours today.  God bless you!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Jan 1997 to 26 Jan 1997
************************************************
