HUMOR Digest - 24 Jan 1997 to 25 Jan 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 387 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Sex and Love <adult humor>
  2. Rules for women 17 to 32 <off to both>
  3. Language Problems <clean>
  4. Advanced Oxymorons
  5. Hunting Schedule
  6. Crazy Wisdom <inoffensive>
  7. Million Man March < Offensive to blacks, homeless, unemployed >
  8. Hold mail
  9. Topical (superbowl) humor
 10. A Whole Nude World (sick)

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Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 03:43:31 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex and Love <adult humor>

*    I was having lunch with an old buddy of mine and naturally, we
  got to talking about women. He asked me how my love life was going
  and I told him all about my latest heart-throb, Sharon.
     "I tell ya George, she's the only woman who's ever made me feel
  this way."  I went on and on.  "Just the touch of her hand... the way
  she walks...  the smell of her perfume..."
     After several more minutes of me extolling her virtues, George said,
  "Well Jimmy, you certainly do sound pretty far gone on this girl."
     "Yeah !"  I said smiling, as I lifted up my beer, "This time George,
  it's the real thing --  sex !"
                                - - - - -

*    I've come to the conclusion that Psychoanalysis is nothing but a big
  bunch of crap.  After spending well over six months, and quite a bit of
  money, my shrink told me that I was definitely in love with my computer.
  What a bunch of damn hogwash.  I mean sure, we share a definite affection
  for each other... but, "love" ???  Why that's just plain ridiculous !
                                - - - - -

*    I guess I kind-of blew my own case, but I mean after all folks, you
  are supposed to tell the truth in court, after you've been sworn in and
  all.  But this one young "lady" had me in court the other month on some
  trumped-up paternity suit.  There I was on the stand, when her shyster
  lawyer asked me: "Mr. Moore, did you, in fact, sleep with this woman ?"
     Without a pause, I replied, "Not a wink counselor, not a damn wink !
                                - - - - -

* I keep reading about how the world is once again facing a population
  explosion.  They say in some countries that there will be standing room
  only in just a few years.  Hell, the way I see it, the birth rate should
  start decreasing fairly rapidly after that.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 10:44:00 GMT
From:    Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Rules for women 17 to 32 <off to both>

     MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN
     =====================
     17. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
     18. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit
         through "Showgirls".
     19. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by
         suggesting he stop for directions.
     20. He was not looking at that other girl.
     21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man
         you have ever met.
     22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt / boobs / hair / makeup /
         legs look fine.  As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good.
         Stop asking.
     23. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual
         flow with him.
     24. Two words:  blow job.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love it.
     25. Dirty laundry comes in several categories:  Looks fine/smells
         fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine.  Unless you
         intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this          manner.
     26. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than
         you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better
         looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be
         dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
     27. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them
         all.
     28. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer
         gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/cabby rash, is cute.
     29. Don't hog the covers.
     30. Watching football is a major turn-on for you.  But please wait
         until the halftime show to act upon that...
     31. He does not just want to be friends.
     32. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the
         sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner
         and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 20:05:31 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Language Problems <clean>

 There was a Latino man looking for job.
 The boss asked, " Do you speak English?"
 "Yes, Senor," he replied.
 The boss continued, "I will test your comprehension, make a
 sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow."
 The Latino man laughed, "That's easy, Senor. Here it is::
 The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 09:52:21 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Advanced Oxymorons

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
British fashion
Butt head
Clearly misunderstood
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Exact estimate
Found missing
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Legally drunk
Living dead
Military intelligence
New classic
Passive aggression
Peace force
Political science
Pretty ugly
Resident alien
Safe sex
Same difference
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
"This page intentionally left blank"
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 09:57:59 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hunting Schedule

                  HUNTING SCHEDULE

1:00   am  - Alarm clock rings.
2:00   am  - Hunting partners arrive, Drag you out of bed.
2:30   am  - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup.
3:00   am  - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15   am  - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30   am  - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00   am  - Set up camp - Forgot the damn tents.
4:30   am  - Head into the woods.
7:00   am  - See 8 point deer.........
7:06   am  - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
7:07   am  - CLICK!!
7:08   am  - Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
9:00   am  - Head back to camp.
10:00 am  - Still looking for camp.
11:00 am  - Realize you don't know where camp is.......
12:00 pm  - Fire gun for help - Eat wild berries.
12:15 pm  - Run out of bullets - 8 point deer comes back.
12:30 pm  - Strange feeling in Stomach.
12:31 pm  - Realize you ate "Poison Berries".
12:45 pm  - Rescued!!
12:55 pm  - Rushed to hospital to get stomach pumped.
2:00   pm  - Arrive back at camp.
2:30   pm  - Leave camp to kill deer.
3:00   pm  - Return to camp for bullets.
3:01   pm  - Load gun - Leave camp again.
4:00   pm  - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you.
5:00   pm  - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
5:01   pm  - Load gun.
5:02   pm  - Fire gun.
5:03   pm  - One dead pick up truck.
6:05   pm  - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06   pm  - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07   pm  - Fall into fire.
6:10   pm  - Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire.
7:15   pm  - Take pick up, leave partner and his deer.
7:23   pm  - Pick up boils over because of hole in block.
7:26   pm  - Start walking.
7:30   pm  - Stumble and fall, drop gun in the Mud.
8:35   pm  - Meet Bear.
8:36   pm  - Take aim.
8:37   pm  - Fire gun, Blow up barrel plugged with mud.
8:38   pm  - Mess pants.
8:39   pm  - Climb tree.
10:00 pm  - Bear departs, wrap @*#$%&^! Gun around tree.....
Midnight   - Home at last!!!!!!!!!
Next day   -   Watch football game on TV, while tearing license into
littlepieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear
instruction on where to place it!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 07:22:14 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Crazy Wisdom <inoffensive>

 . . . the wise men of Chelm [a Hasidic Jewish
  town in Poland] once found themselves in a
  heated dispute over which was more important
  to humanity, the sun or the moon.  After much
  bickering and debate, the head rabbi finally
  decided to settle the issue once and for all.
  With impeccable logic he proclaimed, "The moon
  comes out at night when it is completely dark,
  allowing us to see at least a little.  But the
  sun shines only in the daytime when it is
  light and we do not need it.  Therefore I say
  that the moon is more important than the sun."

                                         Wes "Scoop" Nisker

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 16:13:59 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Million Man March < Offensive to blacks, homeless, unemployed >

Q:      Why were there so many people at the million man march?
A:      Because only 3 had jobs.

Q:      What would it have been called if it was raining.
A:      Gorillas in the mist.  ( also a movie )

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 17:38:32 -0500
From:    Lyle Worsley <100704.3051@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Hold mail

		[Post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 20:09:38 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Topical (superbowl) humor

[Thanks to JokeMaster (jokester@bridge.net):

                THE TOP TEN *STUPID* THINGS TO SAY
                     AT A SUPERBOWL PARTY

                        By JokeMaster

10. If I was there, I'd show 'em how to play.

 9. I wish they'd hurry up and get to the halftime show.

 8. Real men don't wear pants like that.

 7. You guys hold it down, or I'll turn the TV off.

 6. Anyone got a can opener for the Spam?

 5. If they're so tough, why do they use helmets and pads?

 4. If Bud spends $1.2 million for a 60 second spot, how many beers
    would the average guy need to drink to get the taste of Spam out
    of his mouth?

 3. It's a HOMERUN! IT'S A HOMERUN!

 2. Uh, we just ran out of beer.

 And The STUPIDEST Thing To Say At A Superbowl Party...

 Where's the flashlight? I'm SURE I paid the electric bill.

(c) JokeMaster 1996

Jack Kolb; Dept. of English, UCLA

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Date:    Sat, 25 Jan 1997 00:40:44 -0500
From:    Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Whole Nude World (sick)

A Whole Nude World
by Jack Walther and friends

ALADDIN
I can show you my penis,
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.

I can open your thighs,
Rock your body like thunder,
Over, sideways, and under
On my magic mattress ride.

A whole nude world,
A new fantastic way to screw,
Everyone tells me "no,"
I need a blow,
So I can start my screaming.

JASMINE
A whole nude world,
My sizzling space you never knew,
But when you're way down there,
Engrossed in hair,
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.

ALADDIN
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.

JASMINE
Unbelievable size,
Indescribable squealing
Leaning, bending, and kneeling
At my moist and gaping thighs.

A whole nude world

ALADDIN
Don't you dare close your thighs

JASMINE
A hundred thousand sperm in me

ALADDIN
Hold your breath-- it gets better

JASMINE
I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far,
I can't go back to my virginity.

ALADDIN
A whole nude world

JASMINE
Every thrust of your thighs

ALADDIN
With new positions we can screw

JASMINE
Every moment gets wetter

BOTH
I'll lick you anywhere,
Hey, I don't care,
Let me share this whole nude world with you.

ALADDIN
A whole nude world

JASMINE
A whole nude world

ALADDIN
That's where we'll be

JASMINE
That's where we'll be

ALADDIN
A thrilling taste

JASMINE
Of my hot place

BOTH
To you from me.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Jan 1997 to 25 Jan 1997
************************************************
