HUMOR Digest - 23 Jan 1997 to 24 Jan 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 494 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Henry Ford and Adam
  2. Humor Posting
  3. Women on the Move
  4. If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men and us Catholics>
  5. Repartee # 3 <Inoffensive>
  6. Rules for women 1 to 16 <off to both>
  7. It's A Wacky World
  8. The sorceress's apprentice (Ethnic. Off to Dems & Repubs?)
  9. 100 ways to freak out your roommate 3/5
 10. Cinema scene < Sexual Content; Possibly off to Arabs :) >
 11. The Deep Hole....
 12. Interesting pholk lore
 13. The Razor's Edge <adult>
 14. More questions <adult,offensive to women,British>

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Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 23:21:11 -0800
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Henry Ford and Adam

Henry Ford went to heaven upon his death and was given
a warm welcome at the pearly gates.  St. Peter, after
completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to
spend his time.

Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the
inventors before him.  So St. Peter printed out the list of
all the inventors currently (doing time) in heaven.

As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the
name Adam.  He queried if it was the same guy who
discovered Eve, the woman.  St Peters confirmed that
indeed Adam was the man credited with the discovery of
women.

Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few
things to straighten out with him.

When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all
over Adam, attacking  him for the flaws in his invention.
"Your invention is the most stupid  work of engineering I
ever saw.  There is too much of front end protrusion, the
rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and
the intake is placed too close to the exhaust".

Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much.  He thinks for a
while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial computer.
He works with the enormous data banks and in a few
minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.

"Look here, Mr Ford.  Despite all the flaws you pointed
out, data shows  that there are more men riding my product than yours".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 02:35:50 -0500
From:    Mia Tariah <Aurora021@AOL.COM>
Subject: Humor Posting

Subject:  Graveyard Rendezvous <sexual; may be offensive to Catholics, nuns)


       A hippie sitting on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from
him, and at once finds himself very attracted to her.   He moves to sit with
her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful young woman he has
ever seen, he asks her out to dinner.  The nun declines, and the hippie
proceeds to invite the nun for a "roll in the hay" with him sometime.   The
nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.  The
hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the
bus driver.  The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want
that nun, huh?"  After the hippie nods emphatically and demonsrates his point
with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.
  "Well,"  he says, "Every Thursday at six pm, she takes this bus to the
local cemetary, where she prays for about an hour.  You two could be alone
there...."    The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.
           Thursday comes, and the hippie waits by the entrance to the
cemetary.  Sure enough, at six o'clock, he sees the nun enter, and he quietly
follows her.   She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in
prayer.  The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume -- a
long, flowing white robe and a bearded face mask.  He tosses a handful of
glitter at the nun, and, catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.
 "My child,"  he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord.  You have been
such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying
sexual experience."   The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you
take me from behind?  At least that way I could still consider myself a
virgin.  My vow of celibacy is important to me."   The hippie, eager to get
going, nods and takes the nun in his arms.  He turns her around, bends her
over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.   After
they are finished, the hippie pulls of his mask and shouts, "Haha, I'm the
hippie!!"
             To which the nun responds by taking off his mask and shouting,
"Haha, I'm the bus driver!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 03:36:31 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women on the Move

*    I swear, for the life of me, I'll never get used to whatever
  form of logic it is that women use.  I was on one of those singles
  "LoveBoat" kind-of cruises.  Standing at the railing was a true
  beauty, that I just hadda meet.  Picture this, if you will, this
  young, stunning blonde was standing, all alone, and just staring
  thoughtfully at the moonlight glowing on the ocean.  I've found that
  sometimes, an innocent topic is best to open any conversation with.
  So, I hit her with "Isn't it something ?  All that water out there ?"
    Without even looking up, or missing a beat, she replied, "Yeah.
  And just think.  That's only the top of it."
                                - - - - -

*    On this same cruise, I was assigned to a table with a suave older
  French gentleman in the dress uniform of the Foreign Legion.  The first
  nite out, this fellow rose as I began to sit down at the table, bowed
  slightly and said "Bon appetit".
     I sort-of came to a position of what could best be called the
  military version of attention, and said, "Jimmy Moore", thinking he
  was introducing himself to me.
     The next morning at breakfast, the exact same ceremony was again
  repeated.  Well, not being familiar with French customs, I sought out
  a friend of mine, also on board and described the incidents to her.
     She said, "You big dummy!  'Bon appetit' isn't the guy's name;
  he's wishing you have a pleasant meal by saying 'good appetite'".
     Well, needless to say, I felt pretty embarrassed, as well as quite
  the country bumpkin.  So, I arrived early for lunch.  As soon as I
  saw him nearing the table, I leaped up, bowed as gracefully as I
  knew how, and said "Bon appetit".
     The Frenchman quickly clicked his heels together, came to full
  attention, saluted smartly and said, "Jimmy Moore."
                                - - - - -

*    Again on this same cruise (a lot happened, didn't it ?) I met this
  vision of loveliness named Cyndi.  I decided that she could only be
  totally awesome as a lover and determined to make a run at her.
     If you've ever traveled to "The Islands" you know there are tons
  of tourist stores and individual vendors selling what are claimed to
  be authentic native souvenirs.
     As Cyndi and I were walking down a narrow dusty street on one port
  of call, we were examining the various wares, when all at once, she
  stopped short, sort of gasped, and tugged on my arm.  She kind-of
  pointed with her head to a series of objects on a blanket.
     "What the hell are those ???" she whispered loudly into my ear.
     I looked and replied "Why, I believe they are phallic symbols that
  were supposed to have been used long ago in ancient native fertility
  rites on this island.  I doubt they're authentic though."
     "Oh Yeah ?" she mused with a grin, "Well, I'd hate to tell ya what
  they look like to me."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 14:22:04 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men and us Catholics>

1) Abortion would be legal everywhere and free of charge.

2) The Pope would stop condemning contraceptive methods.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 07:08:59 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Repartee # 3 <Inoffensive>

          A young composer had written two pieces of music, and asked the
great Gioacchino Antonio Rossini to hear them both and say which he
preferred. He duly played one piece, whereupon Rossini intervened.
          "You need not play any more," he said. "I prefer the other one."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 15:52:00 GMT
From:    Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Rules for women 1 to 16 <off to both>

     MEN'S RULES FOR WOMEN
     =====================
     1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the
        toilet UP when you are done.
     2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
        something from each of the four major male food groups:  Meat, Fried,
        Beer, and Curry.
     3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
     4. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is
        only joking.
     5. Unless the answer is yes.
     6. In which case, can he videotape it?
     7. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
     9. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick
        and/or tending the grill.
    10. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie.
        Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
        roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their
        infant when it walks for the first time.
    11. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
    12. He heard you the first time.
    13. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too...  Let's spread the rejection
        around a little.
    14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really
        want the answer to.
    15. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
    16. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 11:20:19 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                  Pocket Pet Craze Sweeps Japan

 TOKYO (Reuter) -- The new object of Japanese consumer desire is the latest
in high-tech "cuteness" -- an electronic bird creature the size of an egg
called "The Virtual Pet."

 You can feed it, stroke it, carry it in your pocket and even take it to
the bathroom -- all with the push of a button. But if you don't care for
your "tamagocchi," the Japanese word for "lovable egg," your pet will die
before your eyes.

 "We've sold 350,000, far beyond expectations because our target range for
customers wasn't wide enough," said Tomio Motofu, spokeswoman for Japanese
toy maker Bandai Co. Ltd.

 "It's not just high-school girls who are buying them, but primary school
kids, office secretaries and middle-aged men," she said.

 "And when you clean up its dropping it jumps up and down and looks really
happy." -- middle-aged woman

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 14:36:08 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The sorceress's apprentice (Ethnic. Off to Dems & Repubs?)

 An apprentice sorceress accidentally stumbled onto ancient
 Circe's technique of transforming men into pigs. Not only did
 she rediscover the technique but she also developed it, changing
 a former Democratic president into a pussy-whipped jackass and
 an equally has-been Republican speaker of the House into an
 avaricious elephant. (Rather easy those two.) A famous former
 football star who seemed determined to keep the legal profession
 gainfully employed was transformed into a magnificent
 eight-point black stag, a saucy French waiter into a frog, and
 so on over the years. Proud of her handiwork, she kept all these
 creatures and would display them to her colleague sorcerers and
 sorceresses explaining who and what each had been before his
 transformation and why she had chosen the particular critter in
 each case.

 As time passed however the cost of feeding and maintaining such
 a large menagerie became burdensome and the (now full-fledged)
 sorceress found it necessary to sell the animals off one by one
 until there was only one left--the stag. She never parted with
 him of course because long ago, when she was still a dewy-eyed
 apprentice, her wizened teacher had made her vow that she would
 keep the first buck she ever made.

--- ------------------------------------------------------------
 Note:  The incidence of SPS (shaggy pun syndrome) seems dangerously
        high among the list members. I can't take credit for
        originating the list. That credit originally belongs to
        someone by the name of Dan Judd.
 
			[Edited for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 15:55:28 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 100 ways to freak out your roommate 3/5


40.Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
   "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41.Shave one eyebrow.

42.Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
   your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
   "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

43.Put horseradish in your shoes.

44.Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
   that you can never find the book that you want.

45.Always flush the toilet three times.

46.Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47.Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
   least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
   assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48.Give him/her an allowance.

49.Listen to radio static.

50.Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
   soon as you wake up.

51.Cry a lot.

52.Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.

53.Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
   baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
   by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

54.Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

55.Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
   giggle to yourself.

56.If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

57.Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
   roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.

58.Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
   while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
   Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this
   method to fall asleep every night for a month.

59.If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60.Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
   phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 09:04:00 +0900
From:    Uly Abad <Portent@PHI-HKMRO.CCGW.NEC.CO.JP>
Subject: Cinema scene < Sexual Content; Possibly off to Arabs :) >

     A young man and his girlfriend went to the movies one warm afternoon.
     The film was a romance, and as the scenes turned into more and more
     shows of passion, the two found themselves kissing with ardor. Soon
     the girl was making some moaning sounds, and then suddenly...

     "PHOOM!" and the moviehouse was filled with smoke. And then from out
     of the smoke emerged a big Arabic-looking man, who walked to where the
     couple sat, and in a booming voice, said, "I am the genie of the left
     nipple. Your wish is my command, master."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 20:32:18 -0500
From:    Mia Tariah <Aurora021@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Deep Hole....

Two travelers are walking the back country of Europe when they find
themselves standing before a large and apparently very deep hole in the
ground.   One man lets out a low whistle and asks, "I wonder how deep this
hole is?"  His friend shrugs, leans down, and picks up a small rock.  "Let's
find out."   He then drops the rock into the hole.  When the men don't hear
the rock hit the bottom, they raise eyebrows.  "Wow,"  said the first man.
 "This is a deep hole."   He then looks around a little, finds a much larger
rock, and heaves it into the hole.   The men wait, and still hear nothing.
 "Wow,"  said the second man, shaking his head.  "This is a REALLY deep
hole."   Now the two men are hooked, and determined to find out just how deep
the silly hole is.   So they wander off a bit, and find themselves on a
pasture behind a small country home.  In the center of the pasture is sitting
a large railroad tie.   Near the house, they see a small grey goat grazing.
  Seeing no one around, the two men use all their strength and drag the
railroad tie to the edge of the hole and push it in.  They wait......and hear
nothing.   Suddenly, a goat comes running towards them, but he doesn't
attack.  Instead, he leaps into the hole!!   The men are now not only curious
and frustrated, but very, very puzzled.   They remember seeing a similiar
goat grazing by the nearby house, and so they hurry over and knock on the
door.  An old man answers the door.  "May I help you boys?"  One of the men
steps forward.  "Sir, you may know that there is a very deep hole near your
house...."   The man nods.  "Oh, yes, a very deep one -- I know that hole.
  I make sure my animals go nowhere near it."   The travelers continues, "But
sir, we believe we just saw one of your goats come running to the hole, and
then jump right down into it!"   The man smiles faintly and shakes his head.
  "Nooooo, not my goat....I keep my goat tied to the old railroad tie in my
back yard."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 20:59:27 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Interesting pholk lore

The "Car Talk" show on NPR with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a
feature called the "Puzzler," and their  most recent "Puzzler" was about the
Battle of Agincourt.  The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the
battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English
soldiers so that they could never fight again.  The English won in a major
upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.  The
puzzler was:  What was this body part?  The following answer was submitted by
a listner:

Dear Click and Clack,

Thank you for the Agincourt "Puzzler" which clears up some profound questions
of etymology, folklore, and emotional symbolism.  The body part which the
French porposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of
course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the
renowned English longbow.  This famous weapon was made of the native English
yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew."

Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle finger at the defeated
French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK YEW!"  Over the years
some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture.  Since
"pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant
plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows),
the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental fricative "f", and thus the words often used in conjunction with
the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an
intimate encounter.  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows that symbolic gesture is known a "giving the bird".

And yew all thought yew knew everything!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 00:14:03 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: The Razor's Edge <adult>

A game kepper was ambling through the woods when he came across a
young lady without any clothes on. He approached her and said:
"Are you game?". "Yes", she coyly replied. So the keeper shot her.
---------------------------
A lady swallowed a silver Gilette razor blade and her doctor
discovered that not only had she given herself a
              Tonsillectomy
           an Appendectomy
        and a Hysterectomy

But also
          Castrated her husband
          Circumsised her lover
          Taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance
          And given the vicar a hare-lip

There were still 5 shaves left.
Thats quality !!!!!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Jan 1997 12:18:28 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: More questions <adult,offensive to women,British>


Q1 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A1 Because they have got no balls to scratch.

Q2 What is the shortest bedtime story?
A2 ?Do it now??

Q3 What is the worst insult a woman can offer a man?
A3 ?Is it in? Cannot feel anything?

Q4 What is it that goes in hard and stiff and come out soft and wet?
A4 Chewing gum.

Q5 What did the two ants that climb up Prince Charles' leg say to each
   other?
A5 Look, the Royal Ball is ahead!

Q6 What did the two ants that climb up Lady Diana's leg say to each other?
A6 I can see the wHOLE of England.

Q7 Why do woman make better goalkeepers than men?
A7 Because they can stop two balls at one time.

Q8 What is the difference between a girl praying and a girl bathing?
A8 One has a soul full of hope while the other has a hole full of soap.

Q9 What is the speed limit of sex?
A9 68. Because at 69, you have to turn around.

Q10 What is 6.9?
A10 A good thing interrupted by a PERIOD.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Jan 1997 to 24 Jan 1997
************************************************
