HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1997 to 23 Jan 1997
There are 19 messages totalling 558 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Family Time...
  2. L'Amour Trio <adult humor>
  3. Immigrants <Off. to Italians?>
  4. HUMOR: Things to ponder.....
  5. Lawyer Jokes - Part 17/17  (off to Lawyers?)
  6. Repartee # 2 <inoffensive>
  7. New Sick Leave Policy
  8. The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking <not off.>
  9. It's A Wacky World
 10. Tribal progress <no off.>
 11. Madonna (off to us Catholics)
 12. story, fairly long <contains slang anatomical references, adult themes>
 13. The Penis Snatchers (off. to men?, voodoo experts)
 14. Addition to "The Penis List" (crude, vulgar, sex ref?)
 15. Duckman's Dating Tips (Sexist and crude)
 16. If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men>
 17. Off to the Races (a bit risque)
 18. A Fairytale <adult>
 19. Humor Posting

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 23:44:22 -0800
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Family Time...

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard
strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and
discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a
vibrator.  "What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never
get married so this is pretty much my husband." The
mother walked out of the room shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in
the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his
daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you
doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told dad. I'm 40 years old
now and I'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as
close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out
of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home and found her
husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the
other watching the football game on TV. "What on Earth
are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my
son-in-law!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 03:50:45 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: L'Amour Trio <adult humor>

*    Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident
  psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
     "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.  "It's gotten so that
  every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with
  him.  And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
     "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
  strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
     "For God's sake, NO !!!" exclaimed the Nurse.  "I want you to fix
  it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
                                - - - - -

*    Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was
  returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies.
  Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and
  dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife.
     Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with
  a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely
  clenched teeth, "Just where is your underware ?"
     Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his
  boxer shorts were indeed missing.  Just then, inspiration stuck.
  "My God !!!" he cried, with aggrieved dismay.  "I've been robbed !"
                                - - - - -

*    Normally, I have nothing but contempt for the sassy and quik
  witted feminine rejoinder to any of my forthright masculine-type
  propositions (aka "lines"); especially when I feel I've been bested.
  But even I have to grudgingly admit a certain degree of admiration,
  at least for the logic displayed, by a real knock-out one nite at
  a party I was attending.  I waited until what I considered the rite
  moment, then hit her with "Come on sweet pea.  Let's live for tonite,
  and go someplace real romantic and very quiet."
     She paused for awhile, as if she were actually considering the
  prospect, but then turned her baby blues at me and thoughtfully said,
  "Yeah.  But...  Suppose we survive ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 13:43:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Immigrants <Off. to Italians?>

Newly arrived in the U.S., immigrants Mario and Luigi
go to the urban unemployment office.
"What line of work are you in?" the agent asks Mario.
"I pilot," replies Mario.
"I'm sure I can find a place for you," says the efficient
woman, handing him an application to fill out. Then
she turns to Luigi, "And what kind of work do you do?"
"I lumberjack," he answers.
"Hmmmmm.....I'm afraid we don't have any openings for
lumberjacks."
Suddenly Mario looks up.  "Hey, you must be crazy, lady!"
The agent is taken aback.  "What are you talking about?"
"Well, if he no cut it,  how you expect me to pile it?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 08:21:52 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: HUMOR: Things to ponder.....

If you throw a cat out of a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from?

How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When you choke a smirf what color does it turn?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 07:45:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 17/17  (off to Lawyers?)

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked
him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it
caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you
doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood
insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

 -----------------------

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
   resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

 -----------------------


A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 06:14:14 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Repartee # 2 <inoffensive>

  He said, "Oh, Dr. Shawmut, in that cap you look like an
  archaeologist."  And before I could stop
  myself, I answered, "And YOU look like
  something I just dug up."

                                     Saul Bellow

  "With His Foot in His Mouth," Atlantic
     Monthly, Nov 1982, p 117

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 10:51:26 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: New Sick Leave Policy

NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:  No excuse.  We will no onger accept your doctor's statement as
proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE (For an Operation):  We are no longer allowing this
practice.  We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing
an operation.  We believe that as long as you are employed here, you will
need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything
removed.  We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would
certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH (Other Than Your Own):  This is no excuse.  There is nothing you can do
for them, and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend
to the arrangements.  However, if the funeral can be held in late afternoon,
we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of
work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

DEATH (Your Own):  This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a
two-week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.


P.S.  Too much time is being spent in the Rest Room.  In the future, we will
follow the practice of going to the Rest Room in alphabetical order.  For
instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 am to 8:05 am,
"B" will go from 8:05 am to 8:10 am, and so on.  If you are unable to go at
your time, it will be necessary to wait until the day when your turn comes
again.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 10:08:43 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking <not off.>

The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like
the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest
buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for
the herd to move at a faster pace.

Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed
off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate
faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 12:20:25 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                             A Lucrative Vocation.

 CAIRO, Egypt -- A family that managed to save $294,000 from begging has
been arrested.  Thirty members of the family made the money from begging on
the streets of the Red Sea port city of Suez, Egypt's leading daily
newspaper, al-Ahram, reported Tuesday. Begging is illegal in Egypt, a
country of 60 million people whose annual per capita income is $600. But
the government does not enforce the law regularly.

 Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 20:02:30 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Tribal progress <no off.>

Q: Which tribe does its utmost to be as up-to-date as possible ?
A: The Apatches.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 15:00:31 -0500
From:    Robert Bollig <DEVILFISH@AOL.COM>
Subject: Madonna (off to us Catholics)

As many of you may already know, a glorious vision of the Virgin Mary has
appeared on some tinted windows in my humble little home town, Clearwater
Florida.  Glorious indeed to the many believers who flock daily to pay
homage, offer prayer, and pick up naive chicks.  Not so glorious to the
owners of Seminole Finance, the building upon which the miraculous image
appears, since all of their parking spaces have been roped off by the
Clearwater Police.  Of course they aren't roping it off to keep the people
away, it's just the first time in 20 years a virgin has appeared in
Clearwater and no one is quite sure how to handle it (if you know what I
mean).

An interesting place to appear too, on a finance office, across the corner
from a used car lot, and right next to Home Depot.  Apparently Mary wanted to
bring redemption to the evil souls of the automobile resale industry and get
some yard work done in the same trip.  Many children feel that the image was
a message of peace and harmony during the Christmas season.  The manager of
the used car lot seems to feel it's a divine endorsement.  They've already
introduced their new campaign of holy marketing.  The Holy Mary Markdown, the
Divine Nothing Down, and the all popular Vintage Virgin Trade-In.

Recently all the festivities died down as an irate man had to be restrained
by the police.  After locking him the their car to let him cool down, the
officers resumed their guard duty while filling out the necissary paperwork.
 During this time, however, the man fell completely unconcious and later died
at a local hospital.  Sort of ironic since the last man to be locked in the
back seat of a police cruiser with Madonna looking over him gave her VD and
she was the one who had to go to the hospital.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 15:38:02 -0500
From:    Pete Flynn <Eddvedr@AOL.COM>
Subject: story, fairly long <contains slang anatomical references, adult themes>

This is a story that I wrote for an underground magazine, called "Where It's
At" --  Hope you like it.


                         JAMES AND THE GIANT SCHLONG

        When James Valentino came to school last Halloween, little did he know the controversy he was about to start.
        It all began several weeks before, when James and his friends were
discussing what to be for Halloween.  His friend said, "sometimes when I
don't know what to be, I look through a magazine or a book to get some
inspiration."  James replied, "Phat yo!  That's a funky fresh idea, homeboy!"
 James didn't know how to read, so he asked his dad for help.  His dad
suggested being "man's best friend."  As fate would have it, James' father
was an urologist.  James was searching through his dad's medical journals,
and found it.  The perfect Halloween costume.  He COULD be man's best friend.
 He would be.............a GIANT PENIS!!
        It was perfect, he had never heard of anyone ever being one.  He would be sure to take home the "most original costume" prize at school.  And, what
girl wouldn't love a 6 foot penis??  Maybe Julie would finally talk to him!
 Nothing could possibly ever go wrong!  It was the best idea he ever had.  He
called up the local costume shop, asking the man if he had a costume to rent.
 The man asked James how big he was.  James told him and the man replied,
"You want to know if I have a 6 foot dick?!?!"  It was at that moment that
James came to the stark realization that he would have to make the costume
himself.
        He borrowed his friend's slippers, and made a rubber shell around them and tied them together with more rubber.  Then he glued a huge mass of black yarn on to the rubber.  Then he glued some more. (He was Italian, after all.)  He found a six foot piece of plastic that fit around his body.  He cut arm holes and a face hole, and covered the rest with layer upon layer of rubber.  He then went to his artist friend's house, who applied the "finishing touch," a
paper mache head.  He covered that with rubber, and the costume was complete.
 Only his closest friends knew about the six foot dick, but no one else was
quite ready.
        The response was incredible.  He was the most popular guy in school.
 However, only the girls would hang out with him, and he was ignored by the
jealous guys.  A freshman girl was even heard whispering to her friend as
they passed by, "I didn't know they got that big!"
        However, it wasn't fun and games for everyone.  Several people were injured as James cruised the freshman hall.  As several freshman turned to take in the spectacle of the 6 foot walking schlong, several seniors were knocked
unconscious by the swinging, portable, back mounted lockers, also referred to
as "backpacks."  It was all downhill from there.  The trouble started when he
saw Julie.  She was the most beautiful girl in the school, and James was
crazy about her.  Using his creativity, James had ran a tube from his hand to
the top of his "head," filled with corn syrup.  When Julie passed by, he lost
control of himself, and corn syrup spewed everywhere, hitting several
students as well as the assistant principal.  Boy, was she pissed off!  It
was the beginning of the end for poor old James.
        Wanting answers, the assistant principal ordered James to remove the costume at once.  He could not, for the syrup had stuck the rubber to him.  She then proceeded to "circumcise" the costume with her letter opener.  It was
terrible to watch.  James began to cry, "Look at what you've done to my
beautiful penis!  You pecker wrecker!"  James ran back to his house, only to
be picked up by a passing patrol car.  He was charged with indecent exposure
and failure to control himself in a public area.  James continues to attend
high school, and cannot decide what to be next year.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 15:42:58 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: The Penis Snatchers (off. to men?, voodoo experts)

12 "Penis Snatchers" Lynched

Submitted by: Jim Gunderson (topgun@lightspeed.net) to Ovi's World of the
Bizarre    Source: Reuters

ACCRA, Ghana (01-20) -- 12 people have been beaten to
death by angry mobs who accused them of using witchcraft
to snatch and shrink penises.

Victims claim their penises disappeared when touched by
the voodoo experts. They would then be asked for money in
return for a cure.

Police offers a different explanation. The genital shrinking
is merely a ploy used to create confusion while thieves rob
people of their valuables. The crisis is spreading throughout
Ghana after medical experts appeared on national television
supporting the vanishing penis theory.

The government has announced the army may be called to
restore order.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 17:33:31 +1000
From:    James Chisholm <jamesc@ABA.NET.AU>
Subject: Addition to "The Penis List" (crude, vulgar, sex ref?)

The Kahlua Penis - Music for your mouth.


*Incoming fire has the right of way.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 15:38:54 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Duckman's Dating Tips (Sexist and crude)

Duckman's Dating Tips

Want to find a woman who'd love to spend the night at your place?
Try homeless women!  A bowl of soup and it's "in the bag"!

Nothing livens up sex like knowing you're being videotaped.
If you can't afford a video camera, do like Duckman does: Have sex in front
of an ATM!

Dating is like Cincinnati:
It's in the darkest, scariest places that you find the best eatin'!

Truckers know best!
Look for a woman with a couple of semis always parked outside.

Duckman sez... Be environmentally friendly:
When bagging an ugly date's head, always pick paper, not plastic!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 20:39:27 -0500
From:    Ralph Welsch-Lehmann <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@DBNA.COM>
Subject: If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men>

     You forgot one:

     If men got pregnant, we would have drive-through abortions.

     -----------------------------------------------------------

     Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 09:29:36 -0500
     From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
     Subject: If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men>

     If Men Got Pregnant:

     1.  Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay.
         <snip>
     by:  John Owens

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 21:57:12 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Off to the Races (a bit risque)

                        ALFRED RACEWAY

                           Time:       Midnight
                           Distance:   All the way
                           Purse:      $200.00
                           Weather:    Very Drunk
                           Track:      Drippy

          Name            Odds               Name            Odds
          ----            ----               ----            ----
       Bare Belly          2-1            Silk Panties        2-1
       Passionate Lady     5-1            Clean Sheets      100-1
       Conscience        100-1            Big Dick            3-1
       Heavy Bosom         6-1            Thighs              5-1
       Cherry              3-1            Jockey Shorts       5-1

                                 Favorites
                                 ---------
                              Douche Bag 1-1

THEY'RE OFF

Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with
a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheets at
the back. Douche Bag is completely lost.

AT THE RAIL

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in.
Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and
Conscience is completely lost.

AT THE TURN

It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hard and
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure.

AT THE STRETCH

Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate
Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed Thighs
by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome.

AT THE FINISH

Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's a dead
heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish.
Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience wasn't
even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick spurt
and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up the
track.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 00:33:23 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: A Fairytale <adult>

The fairy princess went to the doctor and said , in tears ,
"I'm pregnant !!!"
"But my dear" he said , "You should be very happy. How did it happen?"
"Well I went to the witches' ball three months ago , and while I was
dancing with a Goblin I slipped and sat on a toadstool!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Jan 1997 01:30:57 -0500
From:    Mia Tariah <Aurora021@AOL.COM>
Subject: Humor Posting

Subj:  Pearly Gates Problem  <mildly racist material>

Three men die and find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates of
Heaven.  One man is white, one is Hispanic, and the third is black.  After
studying his book carefully, St. Peter sighs deeply and frowns at the men.
 "Gentlemen, we have a problem.  It seems we don't have enough room in Heaven
at the moment to accomodate you all.  We have only two openings.....I'm
afraid I'm going to have to send one of you Down There."   The three men look
at one another, each shaking their heads.  "No volunteers?"  St. Peter asks.
 "Very well, I suppose I shall have to choose.   Well, I want this to be
fair, so this is what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna ask you each one question, and
whichever one of you cannot answer the question I put to you, then it is he
who shall be sent Downstairs."   St. Peter turns to the white man, and with a
smile asks, "My friend, in what year did the ship Titanic sink?"   The man
grins and immediately replies with the correct date.  St. Peter nods, and,
still smiling, turns to the Hispanic individual.  "Alright, this shall be a
 tad more difficult....When the Titanic went down, how many people died?"
  The Hispanic man pauses, gives a rounded off figure, and St. Peter nods
approvingly.   "Very good."
He then stops smiling, looks to the black man, and says, "Alright, n****r,
now name 'em."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Jan 1997 to 23 Jan 1997
************************************************
