HUMOR Digest - 21 Jan 1997 to 22 Jan 1997
There are 20 messages totalling 580 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Trio of Jokes <adult humor>
  2. Needs more thinner <the f-word, reference to body function>
  3. The missionary <poss. offensive to Africans and/or sheep :o)>
  4. Chapped Lips
  5. If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men>
  6. Repartee  # 1<inoffensive>
  7. Doll Reality
  8. Michael Jackson (offensive)
  9. Lawyer Jokes - Part 16/17  (off to Lawyers?)
 10. Abu Nawas and Dinar Jingling <wise humor>
 11. Offensive to dogs
 12. The lesbian Dinosaur < OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN AND LESBIANS >
 13. Remembering your new 562 area code <non-offensive>
 14. sexual humor (off. to the prudish)
 15. 100 ways to freak out your roommate part 2/5 <bad words>
 16. The Gift
 17. The Adoption <clean>
 18. Ebonics Beauty Pageant <mildly racist>
 19. Have a cough?
 20. Humor: Three Old Men

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Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 03:56:04 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Trio of Jokes <adult humor>

*   The son joined the Military's elite Rapid Response Team and said
  that while he would write home as often as he could, but it had to
  be understood that the movements of his unit were top secret.
    "Dear Dad," read the young solider's first letter home, "I'm
  afraid I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday, I spent several
  hours watching a polar bear."
     More than a month later another letter arrived.  "Dear Dad, I
  still am unable to mention where I am, but yesterday, I danced with
  a Hula girl."
     Two weeks later came yet another note.  "Dear Dad, as usual, I
  still cannot tell ya where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me
  I should have watched the Hula girl and danced with the polar bear."
                                - - - - -

*    Her young bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful
  tidings to her Mother.
    "Oh Mom !" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant !"
    "Ye gads !!!" screamed the Mother.  "And just who is the Father ?"
    The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed "How the hell
  would I know.  You're the one who would never let me go steady."
                                - - - - -

*    I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car
  became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in
  North Dakota.  It took him several hours to make it to the nearest
  farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front
  door and knocked on it.  A grizzled old farmer answered, and the
  salesman pleaded for a place to spend the nite.
    "Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the
  hospitable old man.  "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep
  with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
     "Oh !" said the salesman.  Then thinking a moment or two said,
  "Just how far is it to the next house ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 06:03:43 -0500
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: Needs more thinner <the f-word, reference to body function>

     Two blokes were painting Concorde at Heathrow airport in London and it
     was taking a long time.  They had just reached the wings and one goes,
     "Smell this paint, it smells like vodka!!"

     The other bloke says "Yeah, you're right, have a swig".

     So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable.  Come the end of
     the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are
     completely pissed. They stumble back to their homes and go straight to
     bed, nearly dead.

     The first bloke wakes up and he's got the biggest hangover of his
     life.  He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face.  He looks at
     his feet and he notices that some little wheels have grown out the
     soles of his feet.

     "What the fuck..." he exclaims.

     He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in
     the mirror.  He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his
     shoulders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish

     "Oh, for fuck's sake..."

     Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the
     day before.

     "Thank God you've phoned...I've got wheels on my feet, a long pointy
     nose, flat arms and I don't know what the fuck is going on..."

     The reply came, "Yeah, I know...whatever you do don't fart, I'm
     phoning from Bahrain!!"


http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 12:51:22 GMT+1
From:    Mark Mostert <MMT@HK.MOBITEL.TELIA.SE>
Subject: The missionary <poss. offensive to Africans and/or sheep :o)>

 A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live
 with a tribe therein.  He spends years with the people, teaching them to
 read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he
 particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit
 adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's
 noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the
 chief is sent by his people to talk with the  missionary. "You have
 taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth
 to a white child.   You are the only white man that has ever set foot in
 our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going
 on!"  The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
 What you have here is a natural occurance - what is called an albino.
 Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst
 them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."  The chief pauses
 for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the
 sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 07:59:19 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Chapped Lips

  A hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.
  He had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was
  looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging off his
  horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
  affectionate slap on the neck.  Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
  on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up it
  tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
  "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
  "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
  "Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
  "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 09:29:36 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: If Men Got Pregnant <off. to men>

If Men Got Pregnant:

1.  Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay.
2.  There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
3.  Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4.  Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
5.  All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent
    effectiveness.
6.  Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
7.  Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8.  They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
9.  Fathers  would demand that their SONS be home from dates by  10:00 pm.
10.  Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
11.  They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."
12.  Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
13.  They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
14.  Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as entrees.
15.  Women would rule the world.


by:  John Owens

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 06:50:37 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Repartee  # 1<inoffensive>

Miss Farber was quite a girl in her days, albeit a few "days" ago, when
hotels and motels asked questions they do not ask today::

Hotel Receptionist (on telephone): "I beg your pardon, Miss Farber, but is
there a gentleman in your room?"

Miss Farber: "I don't know. Wait a minute and I will ask him."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 10:38:22 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Doll Reality

 Mattel should have the courage to produce a wind up Brat Doll. Brat Doll
would be programmable by parents to do what real babies do. It would be
timed to scream a few hours in the night. It would have the ability to clmb
out of it's bed and land on the floor with a sickening thud, It would crawl
around at parties, knocking over drinks and carrying out a host of
irritating functions.

Source: The Dominion,
Wellington, New Zealand

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 12:31:45 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Michael Jackson (offensive)

How do you know when its time for bed at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the little hand.

I hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding are going to buy a race track
together.  She will take care of the handicapping and he will ride the three
year olds.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 13:38:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 16/17  (off to Lawyers?)

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

 -----------------------

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer
tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 -----------------------

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway.
Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with
pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you
$5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did
yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it!," the attorney said.

 -----------------------

A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.

His wife asks, "What's the matter?"

"My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer
replied. "That's terrible," said his wife.

"You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing
but hit the ball and drag Henry.    Hit the ball and drag Henry...."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 03:24:21 +0700
From:    Ikhlasul A Masruchin <iam@BDG.CENTRIN.NET.ID>
Subject: Abu Nawas and Dinar Jingling <wise humor>

A poor man was in hunger. He beg around the market but no one cared.
He then stopped beside a restaurant. Smelling the food from the
kitchen, he felt satisfied and thanked to chef.

"The smell from the kitchen so satisfied me, I am not hunger now", he
thanked.
The wicked chef claimed, "So, you must pay for the smell that
satisfied you..."

The poor man was in trouble and ask a help to Abu Nawas, a wise man.
Abu Nawas came to the restaurant, asking chef and he replied what he
claimed.

Abu Nawas got out his dinar coin. He shook his hands so the dinar
sounds jingling that anyone there could hear it.

Abu Nawas turned to the chef, "Did you hear my dinar jingling?"
"Surely"
"Well", Abu Nawas closed the trouble, "because this poor man was
satisfied by your food's *smell*, so I pay for him my dinar's
*jingling*"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 09:18:33 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to dogs

 A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
 months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.  He caught a supply boat to
 a supply  base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.  The
 train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.  He was dead on
 this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit
 down.  Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there
 was room for two people on each seat.  On one side sat only a proper
 looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat
 beside her.  "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.  The lady was
 insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is
 sitting there"?

  He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat.  He found
 himself back at the same place.  "Lady, I love dogs - have  a couple at home
 - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.  The lady
 replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said.  He
 leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady,
 I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent
 rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?"  The
 lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
 obnoxious."  With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the
 dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.  The lady was speechless.

 An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke
 up.  "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
 description of you or not.  But I do know that you Americans do a lot of
 things wrong.  You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork
 with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of
 the window."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 17:27:33 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The lesbian Dinosaur < OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN AND LESBIANS >


Q:      What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur?

A:      A Lickalotapus

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 15:17:51 -0500
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Remembering your new 562 area code <non-offensive>

Note--This is what happens when you get left on hold too long
and have nothing to look at but your telephone pad and its
numbers and letters.

     Remembering the new 562 area code

On January 25, 1997, the 310 area code in Southern California
will be split, with part of us changing to 562. (It was only a
few years ago that we were 213!) If you are in that area, and
looking for a way to remember the new area code, you have a
variety of interesting mnemonics to choose from.

When you look at the letters on your telephone, you find that
"562" translates to (JKL) (MNO) (ABC).

If you're feeling cheerful, you might remember
     Love One Another.
On the other hand, if you're feeling really hostile, it could be
     Jab One Another
or even
     Kill One Another.
People with a regular door-to-door ministry might say:
     "Join My Church!"
If you're an avid camper, then KOA might stick in your memory.
If you're a Greta Garbo fan, you might cry
     "Leave Me Alone!" or just "Leave Me Be!"
A tennis fan might consider LOB easy to recall.
If you work at the zoo, remember
     Kangaroos Need Care,
          as do Jackals, Jaguars, Jerboas, Joeys, Kiwis, Koalas,
                   Lacewings, Langurs, Lanners, Lemurs, Leopards,
                   Lions, Llamas, Loraxes, and Lynx.
You may think of those big dogs next door as
     Large Mean Animals.
You might wish your neighbors would
     Keep No Animals.
One guy I know wishes his neighbor would
     Keep No Cats
You might put up a fence to
     Keep Out Critters,
But that won't
     Keep Out Cats.
If you or your spouse tip in at over 300 pounds, remember
     Large Men Care, too
Or you might say
     "Kiss Me, Chubby!"
Feline fanciers might remember
     Love My Cats
and we should all
     Love Our Children.
Your 10-year old girl might put up a sign that says:
     "Keep Out Boys!"
An child with younger siblings is likely to prefer the sign:
     "Keep Out, Brats!"
You shut the screen door to
     Keep Out Bugs.
If you think you need the patience of JOB to keep up with the
     proliferation of area codes, or that it will be a real
     JOB to remember your new one, well, that works, too.

--Tina Gunther

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 17:29:07 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: sexual humor (off. to the prudish)

Q:  What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD?


A:  You can sleep with a light on.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 20:46:54 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 100 ways to freak out your roommate part 2/5 <bad words>


21.Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
   pretend nothing happened.

22.Eat glass.

23.Smoke ballpoint pens.

24.Smile. All the time.

25.Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think
   the dog ate.

26.Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27.Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
   When you get hungry,  root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
   If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
   reimburse you.

28.Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
   grievances.

29.Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30.Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
   then look away quickly.

31.Dye all your underwear lime green.

32.Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33.Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34.Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her
   of stealing it.

35.Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

36.Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37.Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
   Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
   three weeks.

38.Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse
   to discuss them.

39.Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40.Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
   "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 21:22:53 -0500
From:    Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and
as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and
the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without
checking thecontents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the
following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are
easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.  I hope
you will wear them for me on Friday night.  All my love.
"P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 09:37:29 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Adoption <clean>

    A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt
    a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told
    them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple
    took him without hesitation.

    On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by
    the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

    After they filled out the form, the registration clerk
    inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

    The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and
    in a year or so he'll start to talk.  We just want to be able
    to understand him".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 23:30:08 EST
From:    "Joel M. Rubin" <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Ebonics Beauty Pageant <mildly racist>

Unfortunately the "Miss Ebonics U.S.A." pageant never got off the ground.
 Noone wanted to be "Miss Idaho".

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Jan 1997 00:14:44 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Have a cough?

As the chemist walked back into his shop after his lunch break
he noticed an individual clinging with white knuckles to the
lamp-post outside. "What happened to him?" he asked his assistant
who had been minding business while he was away.
"He's got a bad cough" , replied the assistant.
"What did you give him?" the chemist asked.
"A powerfull laxitive" , the assistant replied , "now he daren't
cough."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Jan 1997 18:12:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Three Old Men

>Sent From: "Ed Grannan" <edg@symphony.aud.alcatel.com>

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst
health problems.

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I
get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the
toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning
at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for
hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every
morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump
like a pig."

The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked
back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's
your problem?"

"I don't wake up till eleven," he replied.


---
Alzheimer's advantage #8: Hide your own Easter eggs.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Jan 1997 to 22 Jan 1997
************************************************
