HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1997 to 20 Jan 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 579 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Boys and Men <adult humor>
  2. Three Old Puns <inoffensive>
  3. Humor: The thoughtful hit-man
  4. Being/having means ... <psychological disorders - prob offensive to some>
  5. SPT (S-word. Warning: May be bad for your mental health)
  6. Blonde Jokes < offensive to blondes >
  7. contribution
  8. Quotes
  9. Measurement
 10. Harmless  Pranks <mildly disgusting>
 11. It's A Wacky World
 12. Breakfast in the Buff <Sexual>
 13. Humor: Pop N. Fresh Ob.
 14. The weather <adult>
 15. HUMOR - Offensive to Oaklanders
 16. PJs again <clean>
 17. Ratus and Lisa Part 4/4 <adult, sexual, foul language>
 18. In The News - American politics, OJ Simpson, AOL

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 12:55:38 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Boys and Men <adult humor>

*   Two little boys were engaging in the time honored tradition of
  a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
     "My Father is better than your Father !"
     "No, he's not !"
     "My brother is better than you brother !"
     "He is not !  He is not !!!"
     "My Mother is better than your Mother !"
      A long pause ensued...
     "Well, I guess ya got me there.  I've heard my Father say the
   same thing more than once."
                                - - - - -

*    An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West
  Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.
  After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and
  retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
     "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously
  young lass was disrobing.
     "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
     "Thirteen ???  My God girl !!!  You get those clothes back on at
  once at get the hell outta here !  Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
     Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet
  smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
                                - - - - -

*    Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside.
  It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices,
  as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.
     "Bill darling," she breathed.  "I've got a confession to make
  before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe
  in the house ...  I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy.
  And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter
  disgrace.  I'm afraid I was also the one who reported you to the IRS
  for income tax evasion..."
     "That's all right dearest; don't give it a second thought." said
  Bill.  "I have a small confession too.  I'm the one who poisoned you."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 06:38:23 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Three Old Puns <inoffensive>

Puberty is a hair-raising experience.

Orange juice sorry you made me cry? Don't be soda pressed; them martini bruises.

Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 10:29:29 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Humor: The thoughtful hit-man

Two gang members were hired to rub out an uncooperative union official. The
pair checked his habits and learned that every evening before he dressed for
the evening, he went to the neighborhood barber shop and took a shave. This
occurred at exactly 6 O'clock every evening. Accordingly, the hoods decided
to knock him off just before he took his shave.

The fateful night came. The pair strategically seated themselves in front of
the barber shop at five-thirty and took up their vigil. At six, they put
their hands on their pistols and watched the door watched the door
anxiously. But the union boss didn't come.

"He'll be here any minute. Be ready," said the experienced killer.

The thugs were beginning to worry, "Do you think he'll show?" whispered the
now nervous killer.

To which his anxious youthful associate answered, "Gee, I hope nothing
happened to him."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 12:37:20 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Being/having means ... <psychological disorders - prob offensive to
         some>

Having multiple personality disorder means
   never having to be lonely
   never having to face new situations alone

Having Alzheimer's means
   never having to say you are sorry.

Being paranoid means
   never having to feel alone (just look over your shoulder ....)

Being senile means
   never having to buy all those birthdays gifts for your family again

Being autistic means
   not having to worry about finding a conversation starter

Being schizophrenic means
   never having to worry about the quality of the LSD you just bought

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 13:46:42 -0500
From:    Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: SPT (S-word. Warning: May be bad for your mental health)

This is part I. Part II and the scoring will be presented another
day--assuming there are any survivors.

The SPT
(The Shaggy Pun Test--Part I)
(Originally by Dan Judd)

It happens to all of us. You are sitting with a group of friends
and all of a sudden you  are overwhelmed by the urge to tell a
long somewhat improbable story that ends with a pun. Loud groans
are made and you are pelted with pillows, cushions, paper,
garbage and anything else that comes to hand. Why does this
happen, and why do certain people seem to be more likely to be
stricken with this dread disease. Dubbed SPS (Shaggy Pun
Syndrome) by prominent psychologists, this illness has baffled
scientists. What causes it; love of groaning sounds, subconscious
desires to be hit with loose objects in the room, or some deeper
cause such as becoming fixated at the silly phase. Whatever the
cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and if unchecked
in its early phases, can result in minor injury (from beatings),
major injury (from worse beatings), and even death (from still
worse beatings).

Don't despair, treatment is becoming available, ranging from
oral counseling, to gags, to tongue removal.  As an early warning
device the SPT (Shaggy Pun Test) has been developed, based on the
idea that retention of puns can lead to SPS the SPT is a
collection of  "punch lines" from said stories, recognition of
over a critical number can indicate serious potential for SPS. If
caught early enough it is hoped that the puns maybe removed by
surgical means.

To take the SPT merely make an x beside each punch line that you
either remember the story that goes with it, or that you can
easily build a story to fit.  Remember a score of 100% is not
necessarily desirable.

__1. The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
     other two squires.
__2. Two obese Patties / special Ross / Lester Cheese picking
     bunions / on a Sesame Street bus!
__3. MORAL: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow
     fingers.
__4. MORAL: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow
     thrones.
__5. MORAL: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
__6. MORAL: If the foo shits, wear it.
__7. Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis
__8. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.
__9. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting
     in an open foyer.
_10. I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
_11. MORAL: A niche in time saves Stein.
_12. SOW ROPE, NATEY-O!
_13. Well, there's something about an aqua volvo, man...
_14. MORAL: A washed pot never oils.
_15. Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
     [Other version of the punch line: Carrying gulls across a
     staid lion for immortal porpoises.]
_16. It's a long way to tip a Raree.
_17. Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear.
_18. For making an obscene clone fall.
_19. Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on!
_20. Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?
_21. ... They had left no tern unstoned.
_22. ... Abscess make the fart go HONDA!
_23. Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!
_24. These are the 'times' that dry men's soles. [Alternate:
     These are the soles that time men's tries]

(To be continued...)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 15:14:56 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Blonde Jokes < offensive to blondes >

Q:      How many blondes does it take to go ice fishing?

A:      4, 2 blondes to drill the hole, and 2 to push the boat in.
__________________________________________________________________

Q:      What do blondes and turtles have in common?

A:      When they're on their backs, they're both screwed.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 16:55:28 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: contribution

Subject: An office joke for pun-lovers

A woman named Lisa was exceptionally fond of bright, even garish-colored
clothes.  When she took a job in an office decorated in boring beige
throughout, she redoubled her efforts to wear "lively colors," explaining she
had to "get a little life into this place."  But fashion-challenged Lisa wore
bright tops and bottoms that didn't coordinate, causing one office wag to
show up in sunglasses--a pointed joke that went right past Lisa.  When
another colleague tried gently suggesting that Lisa wear neutral-colored
skirts or pants with her vivid-colored tops, Lisa seemed impervious to the
hint--as well as to  several  that followed from other co-workers distressed
at her clashingly bright colors.  "But I've got to bring a little life to
this place!" she explained over and over.  Finally one woman went out and
bought Lisa a neutral-colored skirt.  Just before 5, while Lisa was in the
Ladies', the woman placed the skirt on Lisa's desk.  Then everyone scooted
home quickly.  No one believed Lisa, so partial to lively colors, would ever
wear the skirt, but to the amazement of her co-workers, she showed up in it
the next day.  As always, she was dressed to bring life to the office with
her blouse, a rainbow array of colors, but she'd worn the neutral-toned skirt
with it...which just goes to prove the truth in the old saying: where there's
life, there's taupe.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 22:56:56 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Quotes

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
  Ingrid Bergman

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually
live longer -- it just seems longer.
  Clement Freud

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of
120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped from a helicopter.
  Dave Barry

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
  Steven Wright

It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of
statistics.
  Fletcher Knebe

My first experience with artificial life came about when I mistakenly
walked into a singles bar.
  Unknown

The heart, the liver, the spleen, the pancreas. All these miraculous organs
work in total darkness!
  Unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 21:27:29 GMT
From:    Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Measurement

The smallest distance known to science is the amount of space between the
setting that burns you alive and the setting which freezes you to death on a
British shower control.

[See also, 'Water flow - slowest trickle']

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 17:15:25 EST
From:    "Joel M. Rubin" <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Harmless  Pranks <mildly disgusting>

1. Unscrew top of salt shaker, put pepper-filled napkin inside, replace
   top and tear off excess napkin.
2. Smear peanut butter on toilet seat. When housemate/family member
   discovers it, come in, taste it, and say, "Yup, that's mine!"
3. Blindfold victim.. Have them put their hand in a bowl of olives. If
   they guess, "Olives", say, "Nope, them's sheep eyeballs!"
4. Put crayons in the pockets of their jeans on laundry day.
5. Practice knife throwing against your closet door while cranking
   Beethoven.
6. Sneak into room while their sleeping. Point pair of flashlights at
   their eyelids from across the room. Move closer while yelling,
  "Lookout... It's a runaway TRUCK!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 16:34:49 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                   Wayward wallaby leads police on wild chase.

 HAMBURG, Germany  -- It wasn't your run-of-the-mill police chase.
 The escapee was fleeing on two feet -- but it also was equipped with a
long tail and a mean kick.
 A wallaby was spotted Thursday night, leaping through traffic in the
streets of Hamburg, a port city in northern Germany. A startled motorist
called police after the Australian marsupial sprang in front of his vehicle
and narrowly avoided being hit.

 Police stalked the wayward wallaby warily, trying to stay out of range of
its powerful kick. At last they succeeded in capturing the runaway,and the
wallaby was whisked off to the police station. There, the frightened animal
was stashed in a cell -- usually reserved for drunks -- while experts from
the local zoo were summoned. Officials determined a cell was no place for
an animal from the Outback. So police, still anxious to avoid its kung-fu
kicks, took hold of the wallaby by the tail and transferred it to a large
box. From there, it was to be moved to the zoo, where better care could be
provided.

 It turned out that the wallaby was being kept as a pet in a Hamburg
suburb. The owner came forward to claim it, but it was not clear if the
wallaby would be immediately returned.

 Source:CNN

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 18:02:54 -0500
From:    Jeff Monroe <jeffm@MICHIE.COM>
Subject: Breakfast in the Buff <Sexual>

 An elderly couple who have been married for many years were sitting
at  breakfast and the woman looked at her husband and said,
"Remember when we were young and ate breakfast in the nude?"
"We can do that if you want," her husband replied.  They then got
undressed  and stared at each other. The woman said, "You know,
looking at you naked still gets my nipples hot!"
Her husband replied, " It's not me, you've got one nipple in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 08:56:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Pop N. Fresh Ob.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a chronic
yeast infection.  He was 71.  He was buried Friday in one of the
biggest funerals of the decade.  Dozens of celebrities turned out,
including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and the California Raisins.  The graveside was piled high
with flours, as the eulogy was delivered, describing Fresh as a man
who "never knew he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with one turnover after another.  Not really considered a "smart
cookie," he wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Still,
even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions.  Fresh is
survived by his second wife.  They had two children, and one in the oven.


---
"Ensign Pillsbury?  He's BREAD, Jim!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 20:07:29 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: The weather <adult>

As a response to the 'something fishy' joke sent by Theo Legters,
here is another version:

A woman was working in an office, together with other five women.
It was monday and she came to work dressed with many clothes,
sweaters and gloves and everything. Her work-mates were amazed as
they came dressed very light.
"We heard the news and they said it's gonna be warm outside and
yet we are freezing"...
The next day, the woman came dressed very light and the weather was
warm. Still, her work mates were dressed like it was the coldest
winter.
"But, said one of them, they said it's gonna be freezing today...
No we are suffocating in these clothes... Please, tell us your
secret!"
"Well, said tha woman. Before I go out I hold my husband's penis in
my hand and then I let it go. If it falls on the right, than it
will be cold outside. If it falls on the left side, it will be warm
outside"
"And what if it doesn't fall?"
"Well... I say that is NO time to get out of the house!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 22:33:33 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Re: HUMOR - Offensive to Oaklanders

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96.  The only thing
he was missing was a good quarterback.  He had scouted all the colleges, and
even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would
ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier
with a truly incredible arm.  First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand
grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye!  Another grenade
right into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So
he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes,
accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and when
Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: "Mom,"
the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're
no longer my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm in the middle of thousands of
adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very
moment, there are gun shots all around us.  The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week,
and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady
pauses, in tears. "... I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Jan 1997 09:48:57 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: PJs again <clean>

 Two Sardarjis went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some
 sandwiches out of their packets and started to eat them.
 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,' complained the pub-owner.
 So the two men swapped their sandwiches.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 An English farmer was showing an Australian sheep farmer round his farm.
 They travelled in his Land Rover and the journey round the five hundred
 acres or so took almost half an hour.  When they got back to the farmhouse
 the Englishman asked the Australian what he thought about the farm.
 'Well, back in Australia, I can get in my car and it will take me one full
 day to go round my estate.' said proudly.
 'Yes, I sympathise,' said the Englishman.  'I once had a car like that'.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Jan 1997 00:09:05 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Ratus and Lisa Part 4/4 <adult, sexual, foul language>

Rastus went to a knock-shop to get a little of you know what.After
looking at the menu he decided to have something special so he was
sent up to Mary. When he arrived he was instructed to undress and
lay on the bed. Mary then climbed onto the bed , walked over Rastus
and farted over him. Rastus asked: "What's that for?"
Mary replied: "Don't worry, it's only the wind before the storm."
and she continued to walk over him and pissed on him.
Rastus asked: "What's that for?" Mary replied: "Don't worry it's
only the rain before the storm" and she continued to walk over him
and crapped on him. Rastus then got up and said: "I'm going ,
we can't fuck in this kind of weather!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 21:55:13 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - American politics, OJ Simpson, AOL

In The News - edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING - may be offensive to airline baggage handelers (what can I
say), medicinal marijuana users, British Royalty, California death row
inmates, Disneyland, the US Postal Service, lawyers, Los Angelenos and
underage Olympic figure skaters who drink and drive

The 1997 inagural committee gave merchandising rights to the QVC
shopping channel. You can buy commemorative White House mugs, White
House china and White House pins. President comes seperately. And, as
a reminder, if you are calling from Asia, the call is toll-free.

Northern California is still cleaning up after the flooding. Real
estate agents are trying to put a positive spin at home showings: "The
fourth bedroom can also be used as a pool".

Johnnie Cochran's TV show "Cochran & Grace" premiered. They discussed
hearings as to whether Paula Jones' sexual harassment suit against
President Clinton should be heard while he's in office. Cochran claimed
that Jones was planted in Clinton's hotel room by Mark Fuhrman.

Olympic figure skater Oksana Baiul was arrested for driving under the
influence of alcohol after she was in an accident. Her blood alcohol
content was: (from rec.humor.funny, adapted from Letterman)

0.168     0.165     0.167     0.169     0.165     0.166     0.099
 USA       CAN       JAP       ITY       SWE       CHI       RUS

Now that the Los Angeles Dodgers are up for sale, there's talk of
bringing them back to Brooklyn. At this rate, the only professional
sports Los Angeles will have left will be high speed chases.

The Los Angeles City Council voted funding for a new sports arena for
downtown Los Angeles. They're starting a PR campaign to inform LA
residents of where downtown is.

Five customers are suing America Online, alleging the company's new
pricing policy has made logging on almost impossible. The case could
last several years - lawers are seeking depositions from technical
support services online.

OJ Simpson testified in his civil case, that he absolutely postiively
never ever owned any DNA.

Sales of Bruno Magli shoes are up 30% from a year ago. For the first
time in the company's history, the number of people wearing Bruno Magli
shoes is actually greater than the number of people denying they wear
Bruno Magli shoes.

Astronomers at UC Berkeley say they may have identified the material
inside the mysterious clouds moving around the Milky Way. It's either
remnants left over from the big bang, or it's cocoa butter and soy
lecithin mixed with an emulsifier.

Scientists believe they may have found conclusive proof of the
existance of black holes - massive gravity fields that suck up
everything around them and from which nothing can escape, not even
light. They are double checking to be sure they were not pointing the
Hubble telescope at Washington DC.

The US Postal Service deliveres a record 182.7 billion pieces of mail
in 1996. Plans for doubling service are in the works for '97 - they
hope to open one more window.

To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would require that every
suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same plane as its owner. Now,
this means that even though you want to fly to Orlando at 9am, you may
end up on the 10pm flight to Boise.

The Cannibus Buyers Club of San Francisco is back in operation after a
judge's ruling. Meanwhile, membership in the "Dude, We're All Going To
Die Of Something So Give Me A Hit Of Medicine" Club continues to
explode.

Royal advisor are looking for a way to boost the image of Prince
Charles. They're currently looking for charisma donors who match his
blood type.

Inmates on California's death row are suing for the right to have
children. Now, here's a group of kids who will never have to hear the
words, "Just wait 'till your father gets home...".

And finally, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland is being
remodeled to remove politically incorrect scenes of pirates chasing
young women. The company can no longer tolerate the glorification of
unfettered greed, pillage and plunder. That was Michael Ovitz's job.
It's a new era at Disney - from now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged
Indviduals.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1997 to 20 Jan 1997
************************************************
