HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1997 to 19 Jan 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 537 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. How Men Think
  2. Lawyer joke
  3. banana peel <may be offensive to polacks>
  4. A Dry joke
  5. Lies Your Hairdresser Tells
  6. It's A Wacky World
  7. 25 rules for Women
  8. How many engineers does it take?
  9. The New Arena < clean >
 10. Study Hard! <Not Offensive>
 11. Sweeping
 12. Football Term in Trouble with the Law
 13. something fishy <slightly adult>
 14. Our money's worth - political, maybe offensive to the poor
 15. Rastus and Lisa Part 3/4 <adult, sexual, foul language>

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Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 02:34:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: How Men Think

* Men who are getting on in years should console themselves with the
  thought that when they're too old to set bad examples, they can
  always start giving bad advice.
                                - - - - -

*    Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking.  The young
  trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris
  been hanging out ?  I haven't seen him for a while. "
     The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard ?  Charlie went to
  that great agency in the sky."
     "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right ?
  What did he have ?"
     "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste
  account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth
  going after."
                                - - - - -

*    Two hunting buddies were sloshing thru the Everglades in Florida
  looking for whatever game they could find.  Suddenly the one grabbed
  his foot and screamed.  His friend rushed over and said "What's the
  matter Pete ?"
     Pete, trying to stand on one foot and hold the other, said thru
  teeth gritted in pain "A damn alligator just bit off one of my toes."
     "Oh man !" exclaimed the other, "Which one ?"
     "How the hell would I know you damn dummie ?" yelled Pete, "Those
  stupid alligators all look the same to me."
                                - - - - -

*    Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about
  the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone.
     "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her
  lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?
     "My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 12:53:02 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Lawyer joke

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
        After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite
cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's
head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or
I'll blow your brains out."
        But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated
the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that
the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
        "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said
'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 08:45:11 -0500
From:    Sanjeev Neve - India <sneve@FARM2.CV.COM>
Subject: banana peel <may be offensive to polacks>

What does a polack think when a sees a banana peel on the road?
A: Hell, I will have to slip again today...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 11:13:28 PST
From:    D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Dry joke

From:   CCDeSantis@chq.byu.edu (Chris DeSantis)
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.  Realizing
his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began
walking.  Time passed, and he became thirsty.  More time passed,
and he began feeling faint.  Reduced to crawling, he was on the
verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in
front of him.  Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out,
"Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically,
"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water.  However, would you like to
buy a tie?"   With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite
silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man.  "I'm dying!  I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is
a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent.  With his
last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door
and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in
here without a tie!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 13:40:59 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lies Your Hairdresser Tells

1.      I'm only taking off half an inch
2.      I'll be with you in five minutes
3.      It's just the light in here.
4.      I use it myself.
5.      It's a new technique.
6.      The color will fade.
7.      The perm will soften up and drop.
8.      It will only take a day to get used to it.
9.      It suits you.
10.    It's easy to manage.
11.    It's all the rage in New York.
12.    It looks better short.
13.    It won't be frizzy - just a soft curl.
14.    It's just dry scalp.
15.    I remember how I did it last time.
16.    It's very natural - no one would guess you've had streaks.


>From David Dale - The Official Liar's Handbook
found in an old cosmo issue.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 13:06:13 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                            No thanks, we've eaten.

 BANGKOK, Thailand -- They refused to eat airline food -- and ended up in jail.
 Alleged heroin smugglers Arkumbe Benson, 31, of Britain, and Richard Beng,
29, of Ghana, sparked suspicion in a fellow passenger Wednesday during a
one-hour flight from Bangkok to Hat Yai, near the Thai-Malaysian border.

 The passenger, border policeman Noppadol Sirichanya, reckoned their lack
of appetite might be due to something else in their stomachs. X-rays taken
after the plane touched down showed the two men were carrying 30 ounces of
heroi stuffed inside 79 condoms.

 Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 08:02:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: 25 rules for Women

25 rules for Women (Composed by Men)

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour.  This is a great
time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
going out to dinner.

3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our
friends.  Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew
or the local Patagonia store.

4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

5. Butthead is the smart one.

6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
"the relationship."

9. Things you can help with:  the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone:  figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and
picking out the beer.

11. Socks never constitute a gift. Unless they're coolmax!

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to
look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always
some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don't know anything about handbags.  Don't even ask.

14. We did water the plants.  They died anyway. Nobody knows why this
happens.

15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense
to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of
yours.

19. Sports Illustrated and Runners World are better magazines than
Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown,
Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome.  Three hours of post-
coital conversation are not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a
ball game are even better.

24. No, you can't have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
leave us alone.  All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and
only add to our discomfort.

----
WOMAN.ZIP - Great Program.  No Docs, but fun to unZIP.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 14:20:01 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: How many engineers does it take?

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills.  One of our favorite
charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer
person in the Purdue University engineering department.

Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West
Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill.  Being
engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the
charcoal-lighting process.

"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a
telephone interview.  "Then we figured out that it would light faster if
we used a vacuum cleaner."

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know
what happened:  The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking
hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an
acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which
caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from
chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with
a reducing agent (the charcoal).  We discovered that a long time ago,
somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or
something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times.  But in the world of
competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.

Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen.  This
is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero
and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen.  In terms of releasing energy,
pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live
squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.  On
Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/),
you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket
attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid
oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal
and a lit cigarette for ignition.
 What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen,
featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees
Fahrenheit.  The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a
world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique
on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill.  All that's left is a circle of
charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it.  "Basically, the grill
vaporized," said Goble.  "We were thinking of returning it to the store
for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, allchoked
up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the
engineers' picnic site.  But also, I was proud of my country for producing
guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it take for guys in
less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?  Will engineers come up with a
new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology?  It's something for all
of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers,
every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana,
looking for a mushroom cloud.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 16:42:35 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The New Arena < clean >

In Minnesota, the NBA  basketball arena that the Minnesota Timberwolves
play in is called the Target Center, which is mostly because Target
Department stores owns it.


Q:      If the NHL were to build a hockey arena in minnesota, and
McDonald's was to sponsor it, what would it be called?

A:      The Mac-Arena

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 18:12:24 PST
From:    Owen H O'Neill <ohoneill@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Study Hard! <Not Offensive>

The following is a true story, which I know because it is MY story--OHO

Many years ago, before I finally connected with my present employer, I
found myself 'between jobs' with a family to support.  I found a
temporary job as a laborer at a local Landscape-Nursery and quickly
found myself very involved with Landscape work in this area--it was
March, and the winter had been very long and hard.

It happened  that at that time the Aerospace Industry in this area was
going through hard times and had laid off a lot of very highly educated
people.  Some of them decided to work at the same Nursery where I was
working.

It also happened at that time that the Nursery did a lot of drainage
system work for individual homes in the area.  For those who have never
done this work, this is most likely the dirtiest possible type of work a
human being can do.  Lacking large equipment, we needed to manually dig
trenches through various layers and types of soils and gravels, sloping
it properly, refilling with drainage materials, and so forth.
Then we replaced the sod and supposedly it looked like we had never been
there.  We worked mostly in an area that has clay soil, and we could not
be clean working in clay soil levels filled with undrained water.

Now to set the scene.  One rainy day, because I had been in the Nursery
Business approximately one month, and because I had been on crews which
had installed maybe five drainage systems, I was given a small raise and
put in charge of a crew of my own.  Three guys, laid-off AeroSpace
Engineers all, were to work for me!
Two of them had Ph.D's, and the third a Master's Degree.  Together we
were going to install a drainage system at a large private home in the
worst-drainage part of this area--worst-drainage due to the clay soil.

Aside from the weather, which was terrible, it was a very nice day.
These guys were easy and pleasant to work with, and they were there to
work.  We finished the back yard in good time, had gotten ourselves
unbelieveably filthy in the process, and we were pretty well along with
the front yard, all of us together in the trench, when a well-dressed
young woman with a young boy in tow stopped to watch us for a while.
We continued mucking and rooting around in the trench, not presenting a
very pretty picture, and the woman with the little boy just continued to
stand there and watch.

After about fifteen minutes we heard the woman say to the little boy: "If
you don't study hard in school, this is what you will be doing when you
grow up."

At that point four grown men collapsed in the muddy trench and started
roaring with laughter.  I'm sure the lady never knew why.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 17:40:55 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Sweeping

 A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3
 am.  The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.  Upon
 hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered
 the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by
 morning or it's the brig for you!:  The sailor began to pick up the broom and
 commence performing his charge.  As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the
 broom handle.  The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't.  The
 lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.  The bird
 left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.  The sailor
 went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.  He
 couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or
 twice before the blasted bird returns.  When morning came, so did the chief
 petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.  "What in the heck have you
 been doing all night?  This chain is no cleaner than when you started!  What
 have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.  "Honest, chief,"
 came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 18:51:19 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Football Term in Trouble with the Law

The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law

17.  It's mid-March and they're "still" on the front page.

16.  More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands.

15.  Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards.

14.  Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running deep
     plays.

13.  To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place during
     the police lineup.

12.  Instead of "first and ten", it's "five to ten, with time off for
     good behavior."

11.  Too many players are only allowed to play in home games.

10.  Your Defensive Coordinator is Johnny Cochran.

9.   "Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by the Riker's
     Island Death Row Marching Band."

8.   Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly phrased
     restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone
     wearing "tight pants and spikes."

7.   Players frequently going over to Williams' house to watch "game
     films."

6.   That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn't want your jersey, he
     wants a gram.

5.   The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 24 hours
     a day.

4.   Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange
     jumpsuits.

3.   Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver.

2.   Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then he did
     at Penn State.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law...

1.   Your star running back's new position is "spouse of the man with
     the most cigarettes."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 00:56:29 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: something fishy <slightly adult>

George came home with a bucket full of fish.
Tom was amazed. 'How do you do that ? Most of the time I catch just one or
two'.
George smiled. 'I have a little secret. When I wake up, I watch my wife.
When she lays on her left side, I fish on the left side; when she lays on
her right side, I fish on the right side. When she lays on her belly, I
fish up front.'
'But what if she lays on her back ?'
'When she lays on her back I am not fishing at all.'

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 16:36:31 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Our money's worth - political, maybe offensive to the poor

The Second Time Around
from the LA Times

By Washington standards, the $30 million being spent on inagural
festvities is mere chump change. But out here in the real world, the
rest of us could probably better ways to spend that kind of money. Here
are a few things $30 million might buy:

10 million trips across the Golden Gate Bridge. Okay, it doesn't
exactly lead to the 21st century, but you get the idea.

1,156,069 copies of Dick Morris' new book, "Behind the Oval Office".
Or, 150,000 business hours with his hooker friend.

30 Tomahawk missiles.
Or, 4 million surplus military blankets for the homeless.

19,108,280 complete holiday meals, complete with turkey, dressing,
veggies, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce and pie, as served by
the Los Angeles Mission.

Computer for 20,000 elementary school students.

Shoes for 1.2 million people.

Meals on Wheels for 12 million elderly people.

Michael Jordan's services for one season.

The cost of making half of the movie "Evita".

One third of Michael Ovitz' severance pay from Disneyland.

394 Mercedes Benz S420 cars.
Or, 1,570 Ford Taurus GL's.

60 million Winchell's doughnuts - handy in case you get pulled over for
speeding...

or 10% of the expected cost of the Los Angeles Dodgers. (It's a
ballpark figure)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Jan 1997 00:27:31 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Rastus and Lisa Part 3/4 <adult, sexual, foul language>

Rastus and Lisa were celebrating their second honeymoon in the same
hotel as their first.As there were no electricity , there in the
corner on the dresser stood their means of light , a candle.
Lisa said to Rastus: "Please get up and blow the candle out love."
To wich he replied: "Ach won't you go please."
To wich she replied: "No you go please."
After a couple of minutes of bantaring back and forth
Lisa said: "Let's both of us think up a rhyme, the one with the
best rhyme gets to stay in bed."
"I got one" said Rastus and went ahead: "Rise penis rise , get between
those lovely thighs and make that little tummy rise."
Lisa replied with hers: "Pout pout little spout , pull his foreskin
inside out and make him blow the candle out."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1997 to 19 Jan 1997
************************************************
