HUMOR Digest - 17 Jan 1997 to 18 Jan 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 737 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Rastus And Lisa Part 2/4 <adult , foul language, sexual>
  2. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  3. Life on Mars <adult humor>
  4. Questions Anyone ?<Conc. Part><offensive to women>
  5. Lawyer Jokes - Part 14/17   (off to Lawyers?)
  6. Real Tact <inoffensive>
  7. Stupid joke <not offensive>
  8. Magic Elephant. <Sexual Content>
  9. Jury duty: true story
 10. It's A Wacky World
 11. ARE YOU NORMAL?
 12. (Original, Topical) Biking through the snow
 13. Mathematics Humor (Clean)
 14. Hanno's Song <clean>
 15. In The News - American politics, OJ Simpson, Banks
 16. Hillbilly wedding <contains sexual references>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 03:11:10 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Rastus And Lisa Part 2/4 <adult , foul language, sexual>

Rastus and Lisa were 80 years old and were sitting in front of the
radio when a faith healer's voice came on.
He said: "If any of you people out there have any ailment , put your
one hand on the radio and your other on your inflicted part and say
`heal me' , and you will be cured. Lisa then ambled over to the
radio and put her one hand on the radio and her other on her heart and
said "heal me". She then began to feel 20 years younger. Rastus then
stood up and walked over to the radio and put his one hand on it and
his other on his schlung and said "heal me". Nothing happened !!!!
Lisa then commented: "Rastus , the man said he could cure the ill ,
not raise the dead !!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 09:58:10 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

TRAVELLING, KEEN ON
Massive rent arrears.

TRENDY
Ridiculous; goes to formal occasions wearing purple leotards
and yellow plastic shoes.

UNDERSTANDING
Real live saint sought by loser with extraordinary number of problems.

VIRILE
Like "randy", but stronger. Has punctured his inflatable doll
a number of times.

VIVACIOUS
Freaky. Talks about herself non-stop in a shrilly voice.

WARM
Overpowering personality. Control freak.

WORLDLY
Travelling salesman.

WRITER
Unpublished.

YOUNG
(Seeking) Middle aged man after nymphet. Older woman after young stud.
(Describing self as) See "Youthful".

YOUTHFUL
Old, but pathetically infantile.

ZANY
Escapee from mental institution.

That's the end, I suppose. Ah, yes: ads in French, or containing
extensive references to star signs, or quotes from Shakespeare's
sonnets, should be handled with extreme caution.

--------------------------------
Sorry about the crayon.  They won't let me have sharp objects.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 03:46:19 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Life on Mars <adult humor>

   The small group of astronauts and scientists had spent an entire
week on the planet Mars.  They had met and were able to communicate
with the natives long suspected to inhabit the planet, and were trying
to compare life and habits on Mars with our own.

   "Tell me," one earth scientist asked his Martian counterpart, "just
how do you reproduce the species here on your planet?"

   "I shall be very pleased to demonstrate," replied the leader of the
the Martian group, and he called forth a voluptuous Martian beauty with
three heads.  They then engaged tentacles for a few moments and almost
at once, a small pouch began to form on the female's back.  It grew
quite rapidly, and within less than a minute, it opened up and a bright
Martian flower, almost in full bloom dropped out.  Within another minute,
the flower bloomed and from it dropped an identical copy of the Mother,
only much smaller.  It began to scamper around almost at once.

   The Earthlings expecting the same question in return tried to explain
how procreation differs on Earth.  The confused Martians though were
more-or-less demanding a like demonstration.  After a long conference,
with a great deal of discussion, one of the astronauts convinced one
of the female scientists to co-operate and appease their hosts.  Neither
of the pair was too happy with the arrangement, with the large audience
gathered around them, but after all, it was in the interest of not only
science, but inter-planetary relations.

   While the couple made love, the Martians observed them from every
angle possible in total silence.  Only when they were finished did their
leader speak.  "That certainly was the most unusual thing I've ever seen."
he said.  "But I still don't understand, was the entire process a failure ?
Nothing happened."

   "It's difficult to say." replied the Earth scientist.  "We cannot tell
at once.  Some tests can be run in a month or so, but even if the male
did in fact fertilize the female's egg, the baby will not be born for at
least nine months from now."

   "Nine months ???" exclaimed the Martian. "Amazing, simply amazing.
But tell us this then, if the Earth offspring will not come forth for
quite some time, why were the two of them in such a hurry at the end ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 14:19:51 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Questions Anyone ?<Conc. Part><offensive to women>

    What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
    Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

    What do you do in case of fallout?
    Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    What did Adam say to Eve?
    You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

    What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers?
    Fred Astair's face.

    Why do women have two holes so close together?
    In case you miss.

    What's natural dental floss?
    Pubic hair.

    When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
    When he eats his first Brownie.

    What's better than a rose on your piano?
    Tulips on your organ

    What's worse than a dead dog on your piano?
    A diseased pussy on your organ.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 07:51:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@EXTCO.TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 14/17   (off to Lawyers?)

A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets
were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who
normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was
not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks,
arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the
podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of
taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next
to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a
while leaned toward the other student.

"What's he talking about?" he whispered.

"How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you
did."

 -----------------------

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the
candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two
plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four,
plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned
silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed,
conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

 -----------------------

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and
Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job
interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she
wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with
truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse,
took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk.
"I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said.

Sally got the job.

 -----------------------

A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the
Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the
exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the
empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was
unused.

The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him
if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He
replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 06:16:16 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Real Tact <inoffensive>

 A bellboy was asked if he knew the difference between politeness and tact.
     He explained it this way:
     "One day the clerk called me and told me to take an armload of fresh
towels to Room No. 970.  So I took the towels in my arm and went to No. 970
and knocked.  There's no answer, so I tried the knob and found the door
unlocked.  I figured the quests who wanted the towels, whoever they are,
have gone out.  So I go across the room to put the towels in the bath room.
When I open the door, there is a strange lady sitting in the bathtub.
    "I say right quick, `Excuse me, Sir,' and I back out, closing the door.
     "Now saying `Excuse me' was politeness, but the "Sir" part, that was tact."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 10:26:02 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <ali00lbl@UNCCVM.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: Stupid joke <not offensive>

Q. What do you call an extremely religious, celibate rodent?

A. A chip-monk!


Lara B. Little; Collections Access Clerk
Reference Unit; Atkins Library
http://members.aol.com/odosbucket
------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 04:58:00 +1300
From:    Jonathan Kerkin <jonathankerkin@UNN.UNISYS.COM>
Subject: Magic Elephant. <Sexual Content>

There's a hunter in Africa hunting for an Elephant. The hunter finds a big
bull elephant and decides that its head will do very nicely.  He gets his
elephant gun and lines up the elephant, just as he is about to shoot the
elephant turns to him and says, "Don't shoot me, I'm a magic elephant.  If
you don't shoot me I'll grant you one wish."

The hunter thinks about this and says "Ok, I want a sex organ as big as
yours."

"Done." says the magic elephant, "Step foot on your native soil and your
wish will be granted."

The hunter thinks this is pretty good and thinking of all the woman he'll
be able to impress with his new member he jumps into his plane and flies
home.  As soon as he steps foot on his native soil ,Boom, he has an organ
as big as an elephants.  After a few weeks he sees his friend and relates
the story of the magic elephant to him and shows him the evidence.

His friend decides he is onto a good thing considering how popular with the
ladies the hunter has become, so he decides to go to Africa to find the
magic elephant.  When he gets to Africa he immediately set out on a hunting
expedition.  When he comes to his first elephant he says, "Are you a magic
elephant?"

The elephant just trumpets at him so he shoots it.  He repeats this process
hundreds of times over the following weeks, single handily becoming the
cause for the demise of the elephant population, until finally he finds a
magic elephant.

"Are you a magic elephant?" he asks.
"Yes." says the elephant.
"My friend found you and said that if he didn't shoot you, you'd grant him
one wish."
"That's right," says the elephant, "What's your wish."
"I want a sex organ as big as yours."
"Step foot on your native soil and your wish will be granted." says the
elephant.

So the man jumps in his plane, flies home, and as soon as he sets foot on
his native soil he splits in half.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Jan 1997 04:20:51 +1100
From:    Stephen Webster <farside@MAILBOX.UQ.EDU.AU>
Subject: Jury duty: true story

Reading some of the lawyer jokes posted here recently reminded of a time
several years ago when I was called up for duty...

All prospective jurors had to sit at the back of the court while the
charges were read out for each defendant. In one particular case a sad
looking old man was wheeled in, parked and identified as the victim of a
bashing. A VERY large, mean looking sucker stood quietly by while the
charges were read out, which included beating the old guy with a length of
wood.

It came time to ask the defendant for his plea - "Guilty", he said. His
lawyer spun around, eyes popping out on stalks, staring at his client.
Furious whispers between lawyer and client, excited gestures and animated
expressions from the lawyer. When they paused, the judge asked the lawyer
whether he would like to do this over:

- the lawyer said yes,
- the charges were read out again,
- the big guy pleaded "NOT guilty", and...
- we were instructed to disregard all that had happened

Unfortunately I didn't make the jury for that particular case...

NOTE: Please don't email me about the possibility of an honest mistake - it
would ruin my happy memories of the Australian judicial system ;)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 14:22:35 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                    Texas county votes the "hell" out of hello.


 KINGSVILLE, Texas (Reuter) -- Heaven-o, how are you?
 The greeting may take some getting used to, but Kleberg County
commissioners have thrown their support behind a local man's campaign to
take the "hell" out of hello.

  County Judge Pete De La Garza said on Wednesday that the commissioners
voted unanimously for a resolution urging the use of "heaven-o" instead of
hello in greetings.

 "Is everybody using it? The answer is of course, no. It's a very new thing
and everybody's a little apprehensive," De La Garza told Reuters. "I
suppose it's like everything else, once you get adjusted to it, you might
start using it."

  The idea was spawned by flea market operator Leonso Canales who thought
it sinister that the root of "hello" was "hell." He has led a three-year
campaign to get the county to remove the offensive word.

  His victory will result in telephones being answered in the county
courthourse with the salutation "heaven-o."

  Source: Associated Press.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 14:55:49 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: ARE YOU NORMAL?

ARE YOU NORMAL?   (Facts about us Americans.  Did you know that...)


  -  Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
  -  21% of us don't make our bed daily.  5% of us never do.
  -  Men do 29% of laundry each week.  Only 7% of women trust their
     husbands to do it correctly.
  -  40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
  -  85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
  -  67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
  -  The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
  -  85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
  -  3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
     singles leading up to higher denominations.
  -  13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
  -  91% of us lie regularly.
  -  27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
  -  29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
  -  50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid
     the high prices of snack foods.
  -  90% believe in divine retribution.
  -  10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
  -  82% believe in an afterlife.
  -  45% believe in ghosts.
  -  13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
  -  29% of us are virgins when we marry.
  -  58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
  -  10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
  -  Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
  -  35% give to charity at least once a month.
  -  How far would you go for $10 million?  25% would abandon their
     friends, family, and church.  7% would murder.
  -  69% eat the cake before the frosting.
  -  When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
  -  85% of us will eat Spam this year.
  -  70% of us drink orange juice daily.
  -  Snickers is the most popular candy.
  -  22% of us skip lunch daily.
  -  9% of us skip breakfast daily.
  -  66% of us eat cereal regularly.
  -  22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
  -  14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
  -  Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
  -  45% use mouthwash every day.
  -  22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
  -  The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
  -  Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
  -  9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
  -  53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
  -  58% of women paint their nails regularly.
  -  62% of us pop our zits.
  -  33% of women lie about their weight.
  -  10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
  -  57% have had deja vu.
  -  49% believe in ESP.
  -  4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
  -  The average girl starts her period at age 12.
  -  44% have broken a bone.
  -  Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
  -  14% have attended a self-help meeting.
  -  15% regularly go to a shrink.
  -  78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
  -  46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used
     the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
  -  30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
  -  54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
  -  23.5% admit they don't always flush.
  -  45.2% pee in the shower.
  -  44.9% pee in the ocean.
  -  28.1% pee in the pool.
  -  55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing
     the toilet.
  -  39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.  17% have been
     caught by the host.
  -  81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
  -  29% of us ignore RSVP.
  -  71.6% of us eavesdrop.
  -  22% are functionally illiterate.
  -  Less than 10% are trilingual.
  -  37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
  -  53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
  -  56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
  -  2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a
     million bucks.
  -  20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
  -  40% of us have had music lessons.
  -  44% reuse tinfoil.
  -  57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
  -  66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
      credit for doing it from scratch.
  -  53% read their horoscopes regularly.
  -  16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
  -  59% of us say we're average-looking.
  -  Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
  -  90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
  -  53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
  -  28% of us have skinny-dipped.  14% with the opposite sex.
  -  51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
  -  On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
  -  20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
  -  2 out of 5 have married their first love.
  -  The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
  -  Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
  -  1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
  -  6% propose over the phone.
  -  71% can drive a stick-shift car.
  -  45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
  -  2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
  -  1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
  -  12% of men never use their car blinkers.
  -  44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
  -  25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
  -  4 out of 5 sing in the car.
  -  The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
  -  Men say the average erect penis is 10".  Women say it's 4".
  -  56% of men have had sex at work.
  -  1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.
  -  62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
  -  60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
  -  The most common fantasy is oral sex.
  -  Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
  -  8% of us have regular anal sex.
  -  58% like dirty talk during sex.
  -  22% rent porno flicks at least once.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 15:17:58 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: (Original, Topical) Biking through the snow

I'm one of the few brave (or foolish) souls still travelling on bike
in the wake of this big midwestern snowfall, because the bus system
doesn't take me from my apartment to my lab. After arriving exhausted
from pushing my way through the snow, I wrote this:

        (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

        Riding through the snow
        On a reg'lar 10-speed bike --
        Dodging all the cars,
        Watch out for that... YIKE!

        Bundle up real tight,
        Watch the snowdrifts rise,
        Hope I don't hit an ice spot
        Or it's the hospital tonight!

        Oh, ring bike bell, ring bike bell,
        Get out of the way;
        Oh what "fun" it is to ride
        On a snowy, snowy day, oh!

        Biking well, biking hell
        I can barely see
        In this white-out conditions...
        Watch out for that TREE!!! <poomf!>

...............
Happy new year!
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 20:21:27 -0500
From:    "Dan J. Hicks" <sfmwqi@SCFN.THPL.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Mathematics Humor (Clean)

Here are three jokes for Mathematicians, Scientists, Engineers, and
anyone else with an interest in mathematics.

Q. what do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a
   mosquito?

A. You should know you can't add a scalar to a vector.


        Three Indian squaws sat 6on animal skins, trying to outdo
each other's boasts.
        The squaw on the buffalo hide praised her son, as he was
turning into a wise leader.  He was able to assist the tribal chiefs
in making the best of decisions.  "One day soon," she stated, he will
be one of the tribal chiefs."
        The squaw on the bearskin boasted that her son was one of the
greatest hunters the tribe had ever known.  He had often come back
with kills, even when all other members of his party had come back
emptyhanded.  "As a matter of fact," she said, "I know for a fact,
that my son killed the bear, whose hide I now rest on."
        The squaw on the hippopotamus hide nodded at the other two
women and said, "Well, I can outboast either of you."
        "What do you mean?" asked the squaw on the bearskin.
        "That is right," said the squaw on the buffalo skin.  "I happen
to know that you have no sons--you have no children at all!"
        The squaw on the hippopotamus smiled confidently and said, I am
talking about myself.  I am just as good as both of your sons."
        And, in their hearts, they knew her to be telling the truth; for
we all know that:
        The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
on the other two hides.


        Aboard the ark, the forty days of rain was drawing to a close,
and Noah was pleased to see that most of the animals aboard were already
starting to reproduce.  This was good, because it would give them a head
start when they had to leave the ark and make their way in the newly
cleansed world.
        But, one type of creature that did not seem interested in
increasing its number was the kind of snake known as the adder.
        He told his son Shem about this, and Shem said, "Don't worry,
Dad, I know what to do."
        From the dining room of the ark, he took the large table, which
had been made out of logs, and, tying a length of rope to it, he put the
snakes on the table and floated it out behind the ark.
        "Look!" said Shem.  He pointed to the table, which rode the
waves, in the wake of the ark, and at the adders on top of the table.
Already they were interested in each other, and had started to intertwine
themselves.
        "Before long," said Shem, "we will have adder-eggs, then baby
adders."
        "But," asked Noah, "how did you know that it would work?"
        "Simple," said Shem.  "Even adders can multiply on a log table."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 20:58:25 EST
From:    Tim J Nafziger <tnafziger@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Hanno's Song <clean>

                Hanno's Song
(sing to the tune of  _My Bonny Lies over the Ocean_)

        Black bodies give off radiation
        And ought to continously.
        Black bodies give off radiation
        But do it by Plank's Theory

        Chorus:
        Bring back, bring back,
        Oh, bring back that old continuity!
        Bring back, bring back,
        Oh, bring back Clerk Maxwell to me."

        Though now we have Schrvdinger functions,
        Dividing up h by 2 pi
        That damn differential equation
        Still has no solution for psi.

        (Chorus)

        Well, Heisenburg came to the rescue,
        Intending to make all secure.
        What is the result of his efforts?
        We are absolutely unsure.

        (Chorus)

        Dirac spoke of energy levels,
        Both minus and plus. Oh, how droll!
        And now, just because of his teaching,
        We don't know our mass from a hole.

        (Chorus)

-Poul Anderson (excerpt from The Boat of a Million Years 1989)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 19:21:57 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - American politics, OJ Simpson, Banks

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING - may be slightly offensive to virgins, women, people who
consume unknown substances at parties (Raves) without knowing what they
are consuming, The Los Angeles Dodgers, banks, frogs, people who STILL
can't figure out how to program their electronic devices like VCR's,
Disneyland, extremely short people, airline food preparers again, in
fact, airline owners too, Ru Paul and the Mattel Toy Company. Whew!

The Clintons enjoyed a vacation in the Virgin Islands. The president
said the trip was wonderful, but is still trying to figure out where
all those darn virgins are.

After becoming one of Comedy Central's most popular shows, Bill Maher's
"Politically Incorrect" made its network TV debut on ABC, and beat out
both Letterman AND Leno for ratings. This exposes a much larger
audience to jokes they won't understand.

Numerous party-goers at a Los Angeles rave became dizzy and nauseated
after drinking a mysterious orange colored liquid. Who says astronauts
don't know how to party?

The Dodgers are for sale. Bob Dole said, "I sure hope whoever buys them
doesn't take them out of Brooklyn." They may sell for as much as $300
million. Geez, for that kind of money, you could pay for tickets,
parking, drinks and Dodger dogs for the whole family. All reasonable
offers will be considered for a period of six months, or by the "sell
by" date on the Dodger dogs, whichever comes first.

OJ Simpson was back on the stand again to testify in his civil trial.
He admitted to adultery, but said that he doesn't consider that to be
lying. Both political parties took note.

In an amazing turn of events, defense experts believe they now have
uncovered a rare, never before seen photograph of OJ Simpson NOT
wearing Bruno Magli shoes. (Leno)

Banks are reporting record fourth quarter profits as a result of
mergers and downsizing. Some banks even talk of funneling some of the
profits back into service. You can now expect that, when there are 50
or more people in line, they will open a SECOND teller window...

The Budweiser frogs are set to retire from commercials in March. The
good news is, frog legs go great with beer.

Lawrence County Ind. is now charging $400 if they have to cut you out
of your car after an accident. How does this work? "Quick, the Jaws of
Life!" "Hold on, I'm waiting for the Visa authorization code!"

Hewlett Packard has developed a $54,000 atomic clock that will keep the
correct timedfor the next 1.6 million years. The only problem is, it
keeps flashing 12:00.

Photos of bare breasted riders on the Splash Mountain ride at
Disneyland have appeared on the Internet. No wonder those dwarfs are
whistling while they work.

Continental Airlines has sued a pilot's wife for baking him marijauna
laced rye bread. He was fired after he tested positive for drugs,
pastrami and Swiss. Officials explained that they became suspicious
when they gave him airline food, and he ate it all.

The founder of Virgin Atlantic Airways attempted to circle the world in
a hot air balloon. Now, what does it say about a guy's airline when
he'd rather take a balloon?

Florida scientists have found water pollution is causing female fish to
develop male sex organs. So far, the strange mutations seem to be
isolated to the relatively rare RuPaul trout. The worst thing is, when
the fish get lost, they won't ask for directions.

And finally, Mattel has announced it is recalling the Cabbage Patch
Snacktime Kids doll after several reports of hair eating - the decision
was made after consulting with the Cabbage Patch Corporate Attorney and
Cabbage Patch PR dolls. Also, in the interest of safety, Mattel has put
on hold plans for the Cabbage Patch Streetfighter Kids.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 22:25:51 -0800
From:    William Edward Grover <g7718769@MAIL.IDT.NET>
Subject: Hillbilly wedding <contains sexual references>

The young hillbilly came home one day and told his father that he had
found the girl of his dreams and intended to be married."She's beautiful,
16 years old, and a virgin." The father replied,"No son of mine will ever
marry a girl like that! If she's not good enough for her father and
brothers,...she's not good enough for you!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jan 1997 to 18 Jan 1997
************************************************
