HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1997 to 17 Jan 1997
There are 25 messages totalling 831 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  2. Rastus and Lisa Part 1/4 <adult, sexual, foul language>
  3. Another Trio of Jokes <adult humor>
  4. Golf again <clean>
  5. 911 <mild offensive to 911 workers>
  6. Lawyer Jokes - Part 13/17  (off to Lawyers?)
  7. Graffiti--In Unlikely Places <inoffensive>
  8. Bertha
  9. Humor: elephant hunting....
 10. The Mailman (nasty word)
 11. The Golfer (not off)
 12. User friendly, huh?
 13. more fun with English
 14. ...in addition (rodeo sex, cont...)
 15. Decisions, decisions
 16. Is Less, -- More?
 17. Pet peeves of morticians (Sick and grisly)
 18. News of the Weird
 19. Short Joke Clean Possibly Offensive to M Mouse
 20. Sports Score (suggestive)
 21. HUMOR: EVE
 22. Get the picture <adult>
 23. TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY
 24. men's underwear (not clean w/colorful imagination)
 25. Chaplain's Thought <offensive to the Jiffy Lube Guy>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 09:28:15 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

SOLITUDE, INTO.
Layabout.

SOLVENT
Has a Woolworths credit card.

SPARKLING PERSONALITY
High as a kite on something or other; hellish bore.

SPACE, NEEDS
Wants to conduct seven affairs simultaneously, without interference.

SPONTANEOUS
Erratic, unpredictable (as in "spontaneous combustion").

SPORTS, INTERESTED IN
Darts, snooker, pinball, video games.

STRAIGHT
Closet gay.

STRAIGHT LOOKING
Gay acting.

TALL
Man: exceptionally tall (over 7ft) and playing it down.
Woman: resembles stick insect.

TEACHER
Broke and scruffy.

TEMPERAMENTAL
Has bouts of uncontrollable violence.

More.... (Actually, just one more)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 02:34:11 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Rastus and Lisa Part 1/4 <adult, sexual, foul language>

Rastus and Lisa just got maried and she coyly dashes upstairs
and jumps into the bed. After a few minutes there's a knock
on the door. "Who is it?" she calls.
"It's me." said Rastus , "But I'm worried I'm too big for you Lisa"
"Nonsense" she says , "But if your worried put some around the door
and I will tell you if it's to big." So this long schlung apears
about a yard through the doorway. "That's great" Lisa cries ,
"I will have no problem with that." she says.
"Thank the Lord" , shouted Rastus , "I can come up the stairs now."

Wikus Van Dyk
Zonderwater Medium B

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 03:23:59 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Another Trio of Jokes <adult humor>

*    They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man
  was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any
  eye -- very young, ravishing and delectable.
     As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she
  would like to eat.
     She scanned the menu yet again, and said "To begin, I'll have two
  champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen
  of turtle soup.  As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed
  by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips.  For
  dessert, they may just bring the cart.
     Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all
  of this, he asked, "Tell me.  Do you eat this well at home too ?"
     "Well, no." she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."
				- - - - -

*    A none-too-likeable, middle-aged office manager announced for all to
  hear after yet another office collection for the latest secretary to be
  wed, that in her younger days, she could have married anyone she pleased,
  but that she preferred her career to marriage anyway.
     One of the office boys smiled, leaned over and & whispered to the
  manager's assistant, "Quite obviously she never pleased anyone, huh ?"
                                - - - - -

*    The beautiful young lady having just returned from a magnificent week
  long vacation in a South American republic, walked into the local bank &
  asked about exchanging currency.  The teller said he would try to help
  her.  The lass plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter & the teller
  then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $ 27.18.
     The wide-eyed woman gasped.  "You mean to tell me that's all I get for
  that mountain of bills ?"
     "I'm afraid so Miss." replied the teller, "That's the current rate of
  exchange according to our foreign exchange section.
     "God Damn."  she hissed, "And I gave that cheap S.O.B breakfast too."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 14:16:43 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Golf again <clean>

 Moses and Jesus were playing golf one day.   The green was on the other side
 of a river.   Jesus said, "I am going to hit the ball right into the cup."
 When He hit the ball it landed in the water.  Moses parted the water and
 went in and got the ball and returned it to Jesus.   Moses said, "Only
 Arnold Palmer could hit one in the cup."   Jesus hit the ball again and it
 went into the water once more.  Moses said, "you get it this time."  Jesus
 went walking out on the water to find the ball.  Two golfers walked up and
 said to Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"  And Moses
 said, "No, he thinks he is Arnold Palmer."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 06:01:44 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: 911 <mild offensive to 911 workers>

The dorbell rings and a woman opens the door.
The man who rang speaks (looking really agitated):
"We are from 911, we came for the man having a heartattack, because
of the burglers who got into his house and raped his daughter
under his eyes... This is no. 46, right?"
"Yes!"
"This is the Johnson family, right?"
"No way! The Johnsons moved three months ago!"
"Goddammit! I hate these people! They call 911 and then they move!
Darn!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 06:57:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@EXTCO.TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 13/17  (off to Lawyers?)

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are
you to question that woman's  punishment?"

 -----------------------

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied
the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of
liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I
let it go."

 -----------------------

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he
died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money
to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money
to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he
passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the
attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with
cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me
put the money in the basement."

 -----------------------

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room
filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was
labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the
clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions.
First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied
the devil. "What's your second question?"

"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is
the lawyers' clock?"

Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed.
"We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

 -----------------------

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your
income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect
you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a
hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your
children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for
eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

 -----------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 07:08:50 PSTP+0000
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Graffiti--In Unlikely Places <inoffensive>

"It's a funny old world. Signed, Karl Marx"
       --In the Reading Room British Museum

"I've got pharaohs at the bottom of my garden, too."
       --On an Egyptian pyramid

"Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been Spanish."
       --At the American Embassy, London

"Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic."
       --Inside the Vatican, Rome

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 09:38:40 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Bertha

 Knox County Archives (a division of the Knox County Public Library System)
 staff found the following in a divorce petition from the late 19th century.
 You be the judge:  Have lawyers changed since 1888?  (Let's hope they
 didn't charge Bertha by the word.)
 ----------------------------------------------------------
 Bertha Scherf, a citizen of Knox County, Tennessee
 Against
 John Scherf, nonresident of Tennessee

 Filed February 1888.

 To the Honorable S. T. Logan, Judge holding Criminal Court at Knoxville,
 Tennessee.

 It was in the golden days of September 1880 when amid the bounteous harvests
 and burnished leaves of Autumn that love like a smile from Heaven came to the
 hearts of these parties and in North Georgia with bright but delusive hopes
 they plighted anew their mutual affections and were again united in the holy
 bonds of matrimony.

 Some joyous days set in: Peace and plenty reigned supreme and life flowed on
 as sweet as a little poem.  But there is no sunshine without-a-shadow.  To
 this happy pair the hour of darkness came.  Soon Tempatation in the form [of]
 a red-headed woman beset respondent's way and lured him from the path of
 virtue.  All covered over with the disgrace of adultery he fell a victim to
 her charms, abandoned complinant and departed.

 Happier days were ever ended.  Fonder hopes were ever crushed.  But, alas,
 this complainant was forced by fate to succumb to the inevitable and another
 monument was erected to the inconstancy of man's love.

 Despoiled of the flower of her virginity, the elastic step of early youth
 gave love lying desolate at her feet and without the refreshing influence of
 progeny her life is but an empty void.

 Caldwell and Mynatt, Solicitors.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Glenn Selfe; Executive Assistant to the Director
 Knox County Public Library System
 Knoxville, Tennessee

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 10:58:36 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: elephant hunting....

Sent by a friend..................*GRIN*
Elephant Hunting:

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding as above as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
        1. Go to Africa.
        2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
        3. Work Northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
           alternately East & West.
        4. During each traverse;
             a. Catch each animal seen.
             b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
             c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute algorithm A on their hands
and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all,
but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look
and feel of one dropping.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they
haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:15:22 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Mailman (nasty word)

 It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
 carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
 neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
 greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
 congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

 At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The
 folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
 lures.

 At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
 woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
 him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
 stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
 love he had ever experienced.

 When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
 giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
 fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
 him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just
 too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

  "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
 your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
 asked him what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar."
 The breakfast ... that was my idea."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:16:49 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Golfer (not off)

                Le Golf et les femmmes...

 A guy's been trying to teach his wife to golf, but he's not having
 much success.  He decides to get her some pro lessons at his club.

 She shows up for the lesson, and the pro says "Let's see your swing".
 She takes a swipe at it, and it's not too bad.  "OK, let's see you
 tee-off one time", and tees up a ball for her.  She swings, and it's a
 125 yard slice. "Lemme see that again".  He tees up another ball for
 her, she hits it, and same thing- slice right.

 The pro thinks a bit, and says "I think it's your grip; it may be too
 firm".

 He tees up another ball, saying "Tell you what.  Try holding the club
 just like you'd hold your husband's "member".  She swings again, and
 this time it's 200+ yards straight down the middle!

 "That's much better.  Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it
 like this..."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 10:52:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: User friendly, huh?

 At the C prompt....

 USER-FRIENDLY
 -------------
 C:\> DUR
 Command not found. Try retyping

 USER-HELPFUL
 ------------
 C:\> DUR
 I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

 USER-UNFRIENDLY
 ---------------
 C:\> DUR
 C:\> DUR
 C:\> DUR
 C:\> DUR

 USER-HOSTILE
 ------------
 C:\> DUR
 Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

 USER-INDIFFERENT
 ----------------
 C:\> DUR
 DUR?

 USER-PATRONISING
 ----------------
 C:\> DUR
 Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the
 manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

 USER-OBSEQUIOUS
 ---------------
 C:\> DUR
 I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my
 fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

 USER-SARCASTIC
 --------------
 C:\> DUR
 Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

 USER-INSULTING
 --------------
 C:\> DUR
 S*d off
 C:\> DIR
 S*d off

 USER-SMUG
 ---------
 C:\> DUR
 No
 C:\> DOR
 Nope
 C:\> HELP
 No
 C:\> PLEASE
 Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
 C:\> B*ST*RD
 Abuse will get you nowhere

 USER-ANALYTICAL
 ---------------
 C:\> DUR
 What makes you say that?
 C:\> A TYPING MISTAKE
 How long have you been making these mistakes?
 C:\> BANANAS
 Do you like bananas?
 C:\> I LOVE THEM
 Why do you bring up the subject of love?

 ...etc

 USER-McDONALD
 -------------
 May I help you please?
 C:\> DUR
 I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice
 day.
 C:\> DIR
 Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
 C:\> YES
 To read here, or for printout to take away?
 C:\> HERE
 Thank you. Have a nice day.

 USER-MEGALOMANIAC
 -----------------
 C:\> DUR
 Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.


------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:54:12 EST
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: more fun with English

If the plural of mouse is mice, then is the plural of spouse spice?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 11:51:35 CST6CDT
From:    John Olack <john@WUDCM.WUSTL.EDU>
Subject: ...in addition (rodeo sex, cont...)

i read the two "rodeo sex" jokes yesterday and have to add a bit.  i
had heard rodeo sex is when you're doing it dogstyle with the wife
and she says, "man, this sure feels good!" and you say, "yeah, it's
your sister's favorite position, too", and you try to stay in the
saddle for 7 seconds.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 13:19:05 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Decisions, decisions

     One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and
said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk
about or ask me?"
     "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
     "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your
family?"
     "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 12:50:55 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Is Less, -- More?

                    VEEP Finds New Joke Material

 He's made the Dutch elm disease jokes, the stiff-as-a-board jokes. It's
time for our vice president to build a bridge to 21st-century humor  --
using his thinning hair as  material.

 Yes, Vice President Gore's balding spot at the back of his head is growing
inexorably larger, but he's dealing with it, the Washington Post says.
According to staffers, he hasn't worked it into his permanent routine yet,
but Gore has been making quips here and there about his loss.

 The veep seems to have internalized Sen. John Glenn's defiant attitude
that bald men don't waste their hormones growing hair. There's been no
insistence on changes in lighting at public events, said his communications
director, Lorraine Voles.

 No comb-overs. No Rogaine. No visits to Sen. Joe Biden's hair implant
specialist.

 "Does this bother him? No," said Voles, "because it's part of a plan. It's
all part of reinventing government. He wants 20 percent less hair."

Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 14:25:01 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pet peeves of morticians (Sick and grisly)

A friend sent this to me, I'm not sure who deserves credit..

            The Top 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians

15> Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make
    the cover of Cosmo.

14> No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular
    dead folks.

13> Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

12> Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action
    poses.

11> Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid
    and breast implants... WHAMMO!

10> Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme
    attack of "the willies."

 9> Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

 8> Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45
    bottle.

 7> Toe tag paper cuts.

 6> The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor
    mortis home, if you know what I mean.

 5> Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

 4> Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it
    costs *us* money.

 3> At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

 2> Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

    and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

 1> Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once
    rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 15:32:20 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: News of the Weird

>From "News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd:

Construction worker Sidney de Queiroz was hospitalized in Sorocaba, Brazil,
in October when a barroom fight left a 5-inch long knife blade partway
inside his brain after he was stabbed close to his right eye.  The blade
remained in his head for a week while doctors pondered how to get it out
without causing more damage.  Finally, in nine hours of surgery on November
2, the knife was removed!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 16:17:35 -0500
From:    Andy Lodge <ALodge8719@AOL.COM>
Subject: Short Joke Clean Possibly Offensive to M Mouse

I overheard two dissatisfied colleagues talking today, one saying that he was
going to work for Euro Disney as he was fed up with his present job and
wanted to work for a real Mickey Mouse Operation.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 14:00:41 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Sports Score (suggestive)

This is said to be a true story.

A woman was driving a convertible down an L.A. freeway one sunny day, and
the convertible wasn't the only thing that was topless.

Male drivers craned their necks for a better look, resulting in a 10-car pileup.

The headline in the next day's newspaper: BARES 2, RAMS 10

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 17:34:51 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR: EVE

God approaches Adam in the Garden of Eden and says "I'm willing to
provide you with a companion who will be beyond your wildest dreams.
She'll be smart, sexy, willing to make love to you whenever you wish,
she'll gleefully do all your cooking and chores, never complain when you
want to spend the night out with your friends, she'll laugh at all your
jokes, and--in general--be the perfect companion."

Adam says, "Great, but what's this going to cost me, an arm and a leg?"

"Actually," God says, "it's going to cost you an arm and a leg, and an
eye, and an ear and your left testicle."

"Whoa," Adam replied, "well, then what can I get for a rib?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 19:42:23 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Get the picture <adult>

The doorbell rang. George went and opened it.
Before him stood a sleasy man, who whispered to George: 'Do you have any
nude pictures of your wife ?'
'No of course not', George replied.
'You wanna buy some ?'

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 17:51:39 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY

TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY

10. Everyone wears clothing made entirely of cheese and when the Pack wins,
    we'll eat it off each other

9. Serve pregame Three Cheese Jumbalaya. Hang "Out-of-order" sign on bathroom
   at halftime

8.  All the party favors are green & gold

7. You get to see Bklaf playing with his chunks of sod

6. Georgia Bonesteel's halftime erotic strip show

5. Suggesting a retro-Super Bowl party by watching the game on an old Philco
   13" black and white TV

4. Two words: Pointer Sisters

3. Put an extra TV in the bathroom so Packer's fans can feel at home in the
   ice-filled bathtub

2. Raise the stakes by betting life savings on Bud Light to win Bud Bowl

1. Dig up Pete Rozelle and prop him up on your couch

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Jan 1997 01:51:05 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: men's underwear (not clean w/colorful imagination)

from Dr. Science this week  (w/comments)

Dear Dr. Science,

I wrote you several months ago and asked why men's underwear has heavier
elastic than women's underwear.  Since you haven't answered, I can only
assume that you are uncomfortable talking about underwear.

------------------- Lionetti Aardvark, Pueblo, CO

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Since mine is a family radio
show, I'm reticent to say too much about women's underwear. But men's underwear, especially boxer shorts with polka dots or ducks, don't bring a blush to my cheek.  Fact is, I haven't worn underwear since the early fifties, when I realized no one noticed if I did or didn't.  With all the money I've
saved not buying underwear, I was able to afford a whole set of novelty ties
and permanent press lab coats in an exciting array of fluorescent colors.
Hope I answered your question.
----------------
Author's note: From another point of view, I'll bring an evolutionary
explanation to this, as is the trend to do so nowadays ;o)
Well, men's under-ware has been biologically evolved to be elastic
since... Naturally, it has been a matter of compatibility; and for
compatibility reasons, its soft-ware which mainly accounted for the
elasticity, had to be appropriately in use of its hard-ware. Surely some
bugs have been reported as related with aging so far, but professional
undeware care clinics (not run by Micro-soft, luckily...) have
successfully developed promising solutions to this decreasing elasticity
with aging. Some tried replacing the whole hardware though... Anyway,
underware -be it elastic or not- has been and will always be an
important part of our lives... Personally, I wouldn't change my
underware for labcoats, ever!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 22:28:35 -0500
From:    Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Chaplain's Thought <offensive to the Jiffy Lube Guy>

Posted by: "Lykanthropoi Khristoi" <sluggo@clark.net>

I was listening to Liddy on a local AM station when a commercial break came
on. The commercial advertised the services of Jiffy Lube, featuring the
Jiffy Lube spokesman; a character known only as "The Jiffy Lube Guy". This
got me to wondering: Who is this "Jiffy Lube Guy"? He seems to be like many
biblical characters in a way: the Good Samaritan, the centurion who cast the
spear at our Savior on the cross, the woman who Jesus saved from stoning. We
don't know their names. We don't know their faces. But they were human
beings just like us. They loved, and cried, and breathed. "Isn't the Jiffy
Lube Guy just like them?" I thought.

But only at first. As I listened, I realized that the Jiffy Lube Guy is
nothing like that. I could sense, simply from the sound of his voice, a
seething evil, attempting to beguile innocent customers under his thrall and
join the ranks of his swarming minions. He is the Antichrist, the enemy of
all that is good and just, a bestial mockery of humanity. The final days
have come upon us more suddenly than I had imagined. The armies of Hell have
descended on Earth and their general is the Jiffy Lube Guy. The experience
haunts me still. I could not sleep because the leering visage of the Jiffy
Lube Guy swam before me, mocking me with his false promises of quick service
at low prices.

Thus, it is time for all true Christians to heed the word of God and destroy
the Jiffy Lube Guy. Now. Before the Apocalypse destroys us all. When the
final trump sounds, who will you stand with? Our Lord Jesus, the Lamb of God
who died for our sins -- or the Jiffy Lube Guy, with his wicked automotive
lubricants oozing from every pore?

Its your choice. If you choose not to act, at least bring a crucifix with
you when you go to get your oil changed and be prepared to use it. God bless.

Brother Talbot, Lykanthropoi Khristoi

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1997 to 17 Jan 1997
************************************************
