HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1997 to 16 Jan 1997
There are 23 messages totalling 775 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Neighbour Trouble <adult, sexual theme>
  2. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  3. Women Trio <Adult humor>
  4. Penis Problems <Sexual>
  5. Memo to Employees
  6. Emblems <offensive to Republicans>
  7. Lawyer Jokes - Part 12/17  (off to Lawyers?)
  8. Lawnmowers and Hearing (w/clearer comments) <clean; may still offend those
     with PMS>
  9. A piece of What? <adult, the 'A' word>
 10. `Odd & Peculiar' town names. Part 2 of 2.
 11. Emblems and Bumperstickers
 12. The greatest truck driver in the world <adult>
 13. Walking and more jokes!
 14. contribution
 15. TOP TEN SIGNS PACKER-MANIA HAS GOTTEN A LITTLE OUT OF HAND
 16. Maybe the "St" in "St. James" stands for "Star Trek"?
 17. food & female atonomy <sick, and offensive>
 18. Psych this! (not off.)
 19. the gift <not offensive>
 20. fun with english
 21. Flooding--A Texas Tall-tale <inoffensive>
 22. Joke  <Adult>
 23. Hooked on Ebonics

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 02:14:32 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Neighbour Trouble <adult, sexual theme>

Mr. Smith knocks on his neighbours door and a woman open the door.
"Do you screw your husband?" he askes her. The woman feels very
offended and slams the door in his face. The following morning
Mr. Smith walkes nextdoor and again the woman open the door.
"Do you screw your husband?" he askes her again. The woman again very
mad slams the door in his face without answer. The third moring the
same thing hapens. "Do you screw your husband?" he askes her.
This time the woman replies in disgust: "I cant see how it has
anything to do with you , but , yes I screw my husband everynight!!!"
on wich Mr.Smith replies : "But why does he keep screwing my wife
then?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 09:28:20 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

SEEKS SIMILAR
Utterly narcissistic.

SEEKS SOLVENT MAN/WOMAN
Golddigger/Gigolo.

SELF-CONTAINED
Complete introvert. Hermit.

SENSITIVE
Woman: highly strung; cries a lot; has five nervous breakdowns a year.
Man: 1) Poovy; permanently under therapy.
     2) Gay.

SHARING RELATIONSHIP
1) You give, he/she takes.
2) Screwing relationship.

SHY
Retarded.

SINCERE
1) Promiscuous and lying.
2) Clings like a leech; Impossible to get rid of.

SLIM
Man: gangling, round-shouldered, 6ft 6ins.
Woman: terminal anorexia case.

SMOKER
Five packs a day. If you go into his/her apartment, wear a gas mask.

SOLICITOR
Articled clerk in Solicitor's office.

More.....

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 03:01:29 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women Trio <Adult humor>

*    The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of
  their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model.  The
  husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and
  it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
     One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall
  between the two apartments.  There being no response she telephoned,
  only to get the answering machine.  Finally she went to the model's
  door and just kept ringing the bell.
     When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why
  it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
     "Well sweetie," the model purred, "All these interruptions sure
  ain't helping none either."
                                - - - - -

*    Since hitting the big time, the super-model had become aloof and quite
  distant from her past.   Seated in her usual highly visible place in the
  latest trendy hot-spot, a young man stopped at her table.  She gave him a
  look of disdain, and then looked away.
     "Hey Lola, don't you remember me ?  It's Ted.  Just 5 years ago when
  you were just about ready to give up on breaking into the fashion game,
  and you asked me to marry you."
     She returned an icy gaze back, and said, "Oh.  And did you ?"
                                - - - - -

*    The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that
  were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves
  of passion nearby.  One ardent couple paused long enough for the young
  man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
     Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.  "Of course
  you are!" she said.  "And also the best too.  I don't know why you men
  always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 01:00:57 +1300
From:    Jonathan Kerkin <jonathankerkin@UNN.UNISYS.COM>
Subject: Penis Problems <Sexual>

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis
erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells
Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of
your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless
you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains,
"what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a
baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it
silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without
ever having sex again is too much,  let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued
to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately
sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll
and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first
but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I
don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 09:07:30 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: Memo to Employees

TO:  ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT:  SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employes well trained through our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).  We are giving our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other organization in the Company.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see
your supervisor.  You will be placed on  top of the S.H.I.T. list for special
attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested
in helping us to train others.  We can add you to our Basic Understanding
Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please address them to our Head of Training,
Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P.S.  With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily
become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training
(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 19:51:58 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Emblems <offensive to Republicans>

  A joke from Washington, DC

  It is understood that the Republicans are considering changing their
  emblem from an elephant to a condom because a condom stands for inflation,
  halts production, encourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and
  gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 08:50:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@EXTCO.TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 12/17  (off to Lawyers?)

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road.
The bill of fare is as follows:

          Saut=E9ed Tourist $10
          Braised Reporter $12
          Fried Diplomat $15
          Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers
cost so much.

The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those
devils, you would understand."

 -----------------------

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

 -----------------------

Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A:You cry when you cut up an onion.

 -----------------------

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

 -----------------------

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in
cement?
A: Not enough cement.

 -----------------------

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint
of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning
us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his
question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."=20

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 17:12:30 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Lawnmowers and Hearing (w/clearer comments) <clean; may still offend
         those with PMS>

> from Dr. Science this week (w/clearer comments upon requests)

   [Q]    After shutting off my lawnmower, I notice sounds that I've
never heard before. I always understood that loud noises damage your
hearing. How come my lawn mower seems to make my hearing better?

          ------------------- Bob Pease, Top of the Hill, Daly City

   [A]    You've stumbled across the only known technique for hearing
enhancement. The power mower was actually invented to provide an ear
splitting roar that could stimulate "hearons", the hairy stalks that
line the waxy canals of the inner ear. A few hours with a lawnmower will
result in a ten fold increase in sensitivity. The reason people who mow
lawns for a living wear ear protection is to prevent over-sensitivity to
noise. One guy forgot to wear his one day and that night he was troubled
by the snoring of someone who lived on the other side of town.
--------------------

Author's comment: Bob, thanks for the question; this has given me the
opportunity to disclose some facts which I didn't have time to publish
before. Well, start following Nature's coming issues... Your lownmawer
story actually also explains why scientists have long tended to believe
women get more sex drive during their menstruation periods. How come??
Simplicity itself:

Men who have mown lawn in the backyard during times when they had to do
something else (hence, due to periods at home...) have experienced
LOUDER actions... and... transactions (due to their subjective,
hypersensitive post-mowning perceptions) in discrete cases (in lucky
instances; 1 in 100,000;  p < 0.001) when some women simply wanted to
thank their men for their hard work in their neat backyards --despite
inconveniences (don't ask me how you get over with "the"
inconveniences); actually thanking probably and simply for genuinely
physiological and endocrinological reasons...

Anyways, this is the sole scientific explanation to why women's normal
feedbacks at the time of intimate actions and transactions during such
menstrual periods have rather been taken wrongly as "increased libido
during periods" than what it actually is: simply the "lawnmower effect"
(hence, enhanced hearing sensitivity).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 11:01:31 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: A piece of What? <adult, the 'A' word>

After the tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail
lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would you
give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!"  gasped
the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not?  It's pretty slow here
right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at
the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else? "

"Yes," replied the tourist.  "Where I come from in Virginia, we
like our bourbon and water real cold.  So I still need a piece of
ass for my drink."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 10:20:34 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: `Odd & Peculiar' town names. Part 2 of 2.

 List of `Odd & Peculiar' town names
 By the Associated Press

 Cities included in "Odd & Peculiar," a new book of the wackiest town names
in each state. Cities were chosen not only for the weirdness of the name
but also for the strangeness of the name's story. There were ties in four
states:

 Medicine Lodge, Kan.                     Peculiar, Mo
 Uz, Ky.                                  Papillon, Neb.
 Waterproof, La.                          Wahoo, Neb.
 Old Town, Maine                          Owyhee, Nev.
 Detour, Md.                              Pembroke, N.H.
 Rehoboth Beach, Del.                     Champion, Ohio
 Frostproof, Fla.                         Okay, Okla
 Willacoochee, Ga.                        Yamhill, Ore.
 Pukalani, Hawaii                         Punxsutawney, Pa.
 Picabo, Idaho                            Watch Hill, R.I.
 Champaign, Ill.                          Ninety Six, S.C
 Santa Claus, Ind.                        Tolstoy, S.D.
 What Cheer, Iowa                         Nameless, Tenn.
 Medicine Lodge,                          Kan.Muleshoe, Texas
 Uz, Ky.                                  Panguitch, Utah
 Waterproof, La.                          Montpelier, Vt.
 Old Town, Maine                          Rural Retreat, Va.
 Detour, Md.                              Tenino, Wash.
 Chicopee, Mass.                          Odd, W.Va.
 Hell, Mich.                              Baraboo, Wis.
 Pipestone, Minn.                         Wauwatosa, Wis.
 Lake Itasca, Minn.                       Bar Nunn, Wyo.
 Yazoo City, Miss.  Catskill, N.Y.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 10:50:21 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Emblems and Bumperstickers

    And, a bumper sticker seen in DC: AGGRAVATE THE HELL OUT OF A
                                      DEMOCRAT: GET A JOB, KEEP IT,
                                      AND PAY YOUR BILLS!
   A joke from Washington, DC

   It is understood that the Republicans are considering changing their
   emblem from an elephant to a condom because a condom stands for inflation,
   halts production, encourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and
   gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 12:09:36 -0500
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: The greatest truck driver in the world <adult>

     The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country
     lane late one night when his truck broke down.  All he could see was a
     faint light in the distance.  So he headed towards it.  He came to an
     old farmhouse and knocked on the door.  'Hello', he says, 'I'm the
     greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is after breaking
     down,  I wonder could I have a bed for the night?'
     'Well', says the farmer, 'theres only two rooms, meself and the wife
     in one, and my young (nubile) daughter in the other'.
     'Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a
     bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house', says the
     greatest truck driver in the world.
     'All right' says the farmer, and they all went to bed.
     At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door
     banging against the wall.  He got up and looked in, there was the
     greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with
     his bare arse going up and down.  He went down stairs and loaded the
     shotgun.
     He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck
     driver in the world's arsehole.
     'All right', he says, 'if you're the greatest truck driver in the
     world, try and reverse out of there with a full load.......'


http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 09:11:48 -0800
From:    Don Engle <szengle@UCDAVIS.EDU>
Subject: Walking and more jokes!

Are we walking today or waiting on the weather to decide?

Couple of more jokes. Great Ebonic stuff too!

Two Pollacks are in a bar doing a puzzle. Finally, the two of them put the
last piece in place and give each other a high five. "Bartender," yells one,
"bring us a drink to celebrate how well we did."
"Why are you celebrating?" asked the bartender. "It took you 59 hours to
finish that stupid puzzle."
The Pollack replied, "I know, but the box says 2 to 4 years."

----------
Today is "Learning to Spell Ebonics".  Mr. Darnell Jackson will help out by
putting the words into sentences.


Foreclose:    "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more money
               forclose."

Sodomy:    "When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one sodomy
            and another bitcho n de other sodomy."

Rectum:     "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfrin rectum both."

Hotels:        "I gave my girlfrin the crabs, then the hotels everybody."

Dissapointment:      "My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment, he
                      gonna send me back toos the big house."

Decide:     "My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep
             a couple on decide."

Penis:      "I had to take my drug test the other day, so my parole
             officer gives me a paper cup and says, "Here penis."

Afford:        "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford."

Subpoena:      "I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long
                and I hadda go bad, so da man sez " 'subpoena sink'  ".

Manual:        "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if
                you keep messin with dat hoe."

Catacomb:      "I went to the fight and sat next to Don King -- now someone
                oughta git that catacomb."

Mister:        "My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister."

Undermine:       "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment
                  undermine."

Cadaver:       "I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see
                her and he said I cadaver."

Paramour:      "I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said  ' Wadda
                you got?' He said ' I got an ace high and you're gonna need
                a paramour to beat me."

Polyp:     "On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was
            involved in a fi car polyp."

Urinal:     "After the police broke down my door last night, they said, '
             Darnett,  urinal lot a trouble.' "


Don Engle; Administrative Assistant II
Ambulatory Care Administration

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 13:15:02 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: contribution

Subject: National Condom Month slogans <language, topic probably offensive to
prudes>

Cover your stump before you hump
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Before you blast her, guard your bushmaster
When in doubt, shroud your spout
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
If you won't sack it, go home and whack it
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger
It'll be sweeter if you cover your peter
If you slip between her thighs, first be sure to condomize
She won't get sick if you cap your dick
When you go into heat, first package your meat
When you undress Venus, first dress your penis
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
Before the van starts rockin', be sure your dick's got a stockin'
Don't be a fool--vulcanize your tool
The smart selection is to dress your erection
A crank in armor can never harm her

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 13:35:57 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN SIGNS PACKER-MANIA HAS GOTTEN A LITTLE OUT OF HAND

TOP TEN SIGNS PACKER-MANIA HAS GOTTEN A LITTLE OUT OF HAND

10. Georgia Bonesteel was spotted doing the "Packerena" at a local dance club

9. When we say "Grace," it ends "Please let Reggie get the ring. Amen"

8. Men are spending more time with hunks of sod from the endzone than with
   their wives (wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with that, I take it back)

7. Martha Stewart's handmade Vince Lombardi Christmas ornaments

6. Playboy bunnies are wearing cheeseheads instead of bunny ears

5. When you hear cries of "Let's move the Super Bowl to Greenland"

4. Cheese trio replacing jazz trio in New Orleans

3. Local talk radio hosts are holding a fund raiser to get Georgia Bonesteel
   to New Orleans for the game

2. Deion demands to be traded to the Packers

1. When you see Yassir Arafat wearing a styrofoam piece of cheese on his
   head

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 12:41:05 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Maybe the "St" in "St. James" stands for "Star Trek"?

    But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they
    brake not his legs: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced
    his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.And he that
    saw it bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he
    saith true, that ye might believe.                  John 19:33-35

When John returned to the other disciples, James greeted him, and John
said:
        He's dead, Jim.

    And they rose up the same hour, and returned to Jerusalem, and
    found the eleven gathered together, and them that were with them,
    Saying, The Lord is risen indeed, and hath appeared to
    Simon.                                              Luke 24:33,34

James asked, "How did he come back to life?" Simon Peter replied:

        Dang it, Jim, how should I know? I'm a miracle-worker, not a
        doctor!

I made these jokes up a long time ago, and sent them out on the net
before, but something reminded me of them recently.

http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 13:24:44 -0600
From:    Ray Oswald <roswald@COREDCS.COM>
Subject: food & female atonomy <sick, and offensive>

Q  What's the difference between mashed potatos and a pussy?
A  Mashed potatos don't make their own gravy

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 15:19:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Psych this! (not off.)

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
 the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over
 to her and asks, tentatively,  "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you
 for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
 "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

 Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.  Naturally, the guy is
 hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
 After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  She
 smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I'm
 a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
 embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his
 lungs,  "What do you mean $200.?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 15:36:08 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: the gift <not offensive>

"The Gift"

 A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating vewry long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.  Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and
the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the pachage and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:
         "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the
lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they  were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and
she looked really smart.  I wish I was there to put them on for yhou the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I
have a chance  to see you again.  When you take them off, remember to blow
in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year.  I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

 P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
 showing."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 16:45:23 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: fun with english

     Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
     eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

     English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in
     France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
     are meat.

     We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
     that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea
     pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
     write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't
     ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
     beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two
     indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

     If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
     vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

     In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
     Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
     that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

     How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
     and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as h*ll one
     day and cold as h*ll another?

     When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it
     out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

     When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
     they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
     when I wind up this essay, I end it?

     Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault -- the silly
     language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 14:21:40 PSTP+0000
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Flooding--A Texas Tall-tale <inoffensive>

All the flooding in the West reminds me of the heavy rains we used to have
in Texas when I was a boy.  Remember the time I was walking into town after
one of those gully washers, keeping to the fence row to walk, for the road
was so deep in mud.  I wasn't more'n half way to town when I saw a good
Stetson hat out in the middle of the road. I figured someone had lost it in
a high wind and could not chase it down. I didn't really want to try to slog
through the mud to retrieve it, so I just looked at it.  'Twas then I
noticed it was moving right along down the road, slowly, but nevertheless
moving.  I decided I would go investigate.  I almost got bogged down, but
finally I stretched out a hand and lifted it. To my surprise, there was a
head under it, and then a face lifted itself out of the mud.  I was really
startled, and I said, "Can I help you?"  The fellow in the mud answered
back, "Much obliged, Pardner, but I'm a horse-back."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 01:32:15 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Joke  <Adult>

Two hookers were talking business.
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz ?" asked one.
"No,"said the other,"but I've been dragged around by the boobs."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 00:45:33 -0600
From:    CORNHOLIO <mtrifill@S-CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Hooked on Ebonics

        off to: People with Hooked on Phonics,
                Peepols hoo be speek'n Ebonics awedey,
                Those on welfare and get food stamps,
                Has a couple of intended bad words.


        Now people who have had the luxury of learning from the Hooked on
Phonics tapes can look foward to the all new Hooked on Ebonics series.  As
you all know, the Hooked on Phonics tapes taught us sentence structure like.
        "That dog is running across the street fast"
But now that we have mastered that form of language, we can begin to start
our Hooked on Ebonics series.  This series will teach us new and improved
sentence structure like...
        "Dat mutt be runnin' cross da steet ly a ma-fa"
This new series will ultimately teach you how to relate to others in
a new language.  In other words, it will be teaching you how to properly
structure words and spell them in a way that saves time.  In short it is
a revision of how you USED to talk before you got suckered into purchasing
the Hooked on Phonics tapes.  These tapes will be available only after you
purchase the Hooked on Phonics tapes.  Pricing will be the same except for
this new series, Welfare checks and Food Stamps ARE exceptable methods for
payment.  Finally, this new series will not only teach people a new way of
communicating, but it will allow people to choose how they wish to
communcate.  Or in Ebonics terms,
        Dis new stuff be show'n fowks how to be speek'n to dey own
        peepole 'nd't be show'n peepole dat dey can choos how to be
        speek'n to eech uder.


* Those who speak their mind usually forgot what they were doing *

Please keep my name on this when fowarding....thanx

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1997 to 16 Jan 1997
************************************************
