HUMOR Digest - 14 Jan 1997 to 15 Jan 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 557 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  2. Age, Sex And Men <Adult Humor>
  3. Rodeo Sex <Adult>
  4. Rodeo Sex <adult, gross, sick, off. to HIV sufferrers>
  5. Subject: Management Memo <Lots of foul language!>
  6. Humor-angels-racist
  7. Four Surgeons <Off to Lawyers>
  8. Lawyer Jokes - Part 11/17  (off to Lawyers?)
  9. `Odd & Peculiar' town names. Part 1 of 2.
 10. puzzling <offensive to Pollacks>
 11. Ebonic Vocabulary & Spelling<1off. word>
 12. weather headline (TRUE)
 13. More-Onics
 14. Neanderthal Test
 15. Sign Language ? <adult>
 16. Humor: Marriage

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Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 10:03:43 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

PRESENTABLE
Owns a polyester suit.

PROFESSIONAL
Plumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable
sexual deviations.

PUBS, INTO
Man: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.
Woman: Outmoded dollybird.

QUIET
Incredibly dull.

RADICAL
On probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.

RANDY
Suffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects
(and objects as women).

RITZY, CHIC, ETC.
Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.

ROMANTIC
Woman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.
Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.

SCIENCE-FICTION FAN
1) Says things like "phasers activated" when switching on the
headlights of his car, "ET phone home" before making a phone call
and "may the force be with you" to total strangers. An embarrassment
and a bore.
2) If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs,
like the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns
into an abduction

SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)
Not fussy, as long as it screws.

More....

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 03:14:51 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Age, Sex And Men <Adult Humor>

*    Interviewing the 55 year-old rodeo champion in Abilene, Texas, the
  newspaper reporter remarked how extraordinary a man the fellow was in
  that he was the U.S. champion at his age.
     "Heck," said the cowboy, "I'm not nearly the man my Pa is.  He still
  plays tackle for the Dallas CowBoys and has been to the Pro Bowl a dozen
  times or more, and he's 76."
     "Amazing," said the reporter, "I'd like to meet your Father before I
  leave town and include him in this article."
     "Can't right now." said the cowboy, "He's in Fort Worth, standing up for
  Grandpa who's getting hitched this weekend."
     "Your Grandfather is getting married ?  Say, just how old is this
  gentleman?" said the reporter in disbelief. "Your family is truly a marvel.
  Here you are a champion, your Father plays football, and your Grandfather
  wants to get married."
     "Oh, Grandpa's gonna be 95 soon, but I'm afraid he ain't all that much
  of a gentleman," said the cowpoke, removing his hat and wiping his brow.
  "You see, Grandpa didn't want to get married so much as he kinda 'had' to."
                                - - - - -

*    "What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in
  the upscale Tex-Mex bar.
     "I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to
  mix up several batches of the drink.
     "What's in it ?" asked the stranger.
     "Mostly sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.
     "Is it good ?" asked the man.
     "Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling.  "The sugar gives you pep,
  and the milk gives you plenty of energy."
     "And the rum ?" asked the stranger.
     "Hell man.  That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep
  and energy." quipped the bartender.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 03:16:17 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Rodeo Sex <Adult>

Q: What is Rodeo Sex ?

A: To tell your wife,while you are busy making love,that
   the girl next door is a lot better.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 03:38:52 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Rodeo Sex <adult, gross, sick, off. to HIV sufferrers>

In connection with my friend Johan's joke , here is another
explanation of rodeo sex.

- When you are making love to your girlfriend and you tell
  her you have Aids.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 07:41:59 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Subject: Management Memo <Lots of foul language!>

TO:             All Employees
FROM:       Management

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been
using foul language in the course of normal conversations.  Due to complaints
from some easily offended employees, this conduct will no longer be
tolerated.

Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to
properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
employees.  Therefor, management has compiled the following code phrases, so
that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

OLD PHRASE                                  NEW PHRASE

No fucking way                         I'm not certain that's feasible
You've got to be shitting me           Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck          Perhaps you should check with.....
Ask me if I give a fuck                Of course I'm concerned
Its not my fucking problem             I wasn't involved in that project
When the fuck do you expect me
to do this?                            Perhaps I can work late
Who the fuck cares?                            Are you sure its a problem?
He's got his head up his ass           He's not familiar with the problem
Eat shit                               You don't say
Eat shit and die                       Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker         Excuse me, sir?
Fuck it I'm on salary                  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment
This job sucks                         I love a challenge
Blow me                                I see
Blow yourself                          Do you see?
I really don't give a fuck             I don't think it will be a problem
Fuck you                               You have a nice weekend, too.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 08:31:30 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor-angels-racist

Do you know what happens when white babies die?

They go to heaven......

Do yo know what they call them?

Angels.......

Do you know what happens to black babies when they  die?

They go to heaven......

Do you know what they call them?

BATS!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 02:47:23 +1300
From:    Jonathan Kerkin <jonathankerkin@UNN.UNISYS.COM>
Subject: Four Surgeons <Off to Lawyers>

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said,  "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon  "when you
open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered"

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians,  all their
organs are color coded."

The fourth one shakes his head and says,  "I like to operate on lawyers.
They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are
interchangeable"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 08:15:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@EXTCO.TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 11/17  (off to Lawyers?)

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30
years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've
been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one
who put arsenic in your martini."

 -----------------------

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to
it was a second $100 bill.

Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I
tell my partner?"

 -----------------------

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, "Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now."
"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."
     --Burl Ives

 -----------------------

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in
dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off
shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the
sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We
suspect it was professional courtesy.

 -----------------------

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of
them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the
office-I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

 -----------------------

Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 09:25:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: `Odd & Peculiar' town names. Part 1 of 2.

 List of `Odd & Peculiar' town names
 By the Associated Press

 Cities included in "Odd & Peculiar," a new book of the wackiest town names
in each state. Cities were chosen not only for the weirdness of the name
but also for the strangeness of the name's story. There were ties in four
states:

  Slapout, Ala.                          Rehoboth Beach, Del.

  Chicken, Alaska                        Frostproof, Fla.

  Skull Valley, Ariz.                    Willacoochee, Ga.

  Smackover, Ark.                        Pukalani, Hawaii

  Rancho Cucamonga, Calif.               Picabo, Idaho

  Hemet, Calif                           Champaign, Ill..

  Dinosaur, Colo.                        Santa Claus, Ind.

  Occum, Conn.                           What Cheer, Iowa

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 10:23:43 -0500
From:    Jackie Mauriello <JMaurie455@AOL.COM>
Subject: puzzling <offensive to Pollacks>

Two Pollacks are in a bar doing a puzzle. Finally, the two of them put the
last piece in place and give each other a high five. "Bartender," yells one,
"bring us a drink to celebrate how well we did."
"Why are you celebrating?" asked the bartender. "It took you 59 hours to
finish that stupid puzzle."
The Pollack replied, "I know, but the box says 2 to 4 years."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 10:55:27 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ebonic Vocabulary & Spelling<1off. word>

Today is "Learning to Spell Ebonics".  Mr. Darnell Jackson will help out by
putting the words into sentences.


Foreclose:    "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more money
               forclose."

Sodomy:    "When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one sodomy
            and another bitcho n de other sodomy."

Rectum:     "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfrin rectum both."

Hotels:     "I gave my girlfrin the crabs, then the hotels everybody."

Dissapointment:      "My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment, he
                      gonna send me back toos the big house."

Decide:         "My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep
                 a couple on decide."

Penis:           "I had to take my drug test the other day, so my parole
                  officer gives me a paper cup and says, "Here penis."

Afford:        "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford."

Subpoena:      "I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long
                and I hadda go bad, so da man sez " 'subpoena sink'  ".

Manual:           "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if
                   you keep messin with dat hoe."

Catacomb:      "I went to the fight and sat next to Don King -- now someone
                oughta git that catacomb."

Mister:        "My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister."

Undermine:       "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment
                  undermine."

Cadaver:       "I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see
                her and he said I cadaver."

Paramour:      "I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said  ' Wadda
                you got?' He said ' I got an ace high and you're gonna need
                a paramour to beat me."

Polyp:     "On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was
            involved in a fi car polyp."

Urinal:     "After the police broke down my door last night, they said, '
             Darnett, urinal lot a trouble.' "

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 10:53:48 -0800
From:    Susan Grace <sgrace@POSTMAN.NCUBE.COM>
Subject: weather headline (TRUE)

(I am posting this for all the list readers who live in places
that get lots of snow. Portland gets *lots* of rain.)

In the winter of 1984-1985, there was a small storm approaching
the Oregon coast at the same time a stream of cold Alaskan air
was covering the area. For some reason, *none* of the forecasters
predicted the possibility of snow.  When snow began falling
about 9 AM, no buses (city or school) had chains, no sanding
trucks were ready (for environmental reasons, Portland does
not salt the roads but spreads gravel on them instead), and
lots of people had minor car wrecks on hills around the city.

The afternoon edition of _The Oregonian_ featured this banner
headline:   2-INCH SNOWFALL PARALYZES PORTLAND!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 15:49:36 -0500
From:    Phil Phunny <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: More-Onics

Newly discovered dialects that, in addition to Ebonics, will soon be taught
in the Oakland schools:

Dialect spoken by marching bands...BATONICS

Dialect spoken by the anally fixated...COLONICS

Dialect spoken by Al Gore...CATATONICS

Dialect spoken by those who can't tell the truth...CLINTONICS

Dialect spoken when eating little pieces of ice cream...BON BONICS

Dialect spoken by those who know Windows 3.1...ICONICS

Dialect spoken by basketball fans in the Northwest...SEATTLE SONICS

Dialect spoken by those into easy jazz...GEORGE BENSONICS

Dialect spoken by snake oil salesmen...TONICS

Dialect spoken by people on pain-killers...DARVONICS

Dialect spoken by people trying to work out a Mideast peace...HEBRONICS

Dialect spoken by people on the way out...I'M GONICS

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 17:38:55 -0500
From:    Marc Gould <MGouldy@AOL.COM>
Subject: Neanderthal Test

                     TEST YOURSELF: Are you a Neanderthal?

    As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man.  His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
 If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1.  Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  If so, give yourself five points.
2.  Can you lock your knees in an upright position?  If not, take five
    points.
3.  Got a chin?  If the answer is no, add three points.
4.  How about a forehead?  If not, add another three points.
5.  Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Then give yourself
    five points.
6.  Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth?  If you do, add ten
    points.
7.  Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
    in a chair?  Take five points.
8.  Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, add one point for
    every five degrees of slope.
9.  Less than five feet tall?  Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
    inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed?  Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club?  You're
    normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
    an apple?  Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way?  Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?  Give
    yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
    Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"?  Three points.

Scoring
  0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens.  Feel free to build
               bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
 20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
               have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
               fours and whooping wildly.  If you live in California,
               no one will notice.
 40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
               avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
               you away.
 60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant.  You should consider
               a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
               place for you in human society.  Try running for public office
               instead.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Jan 1997 10:27:06 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Sign Language ? <adult>

 There's this guy doing yard work and his wife stops to go up and take a
 shower.... so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife,
 `Where's the rake?', who looks out the upstairs bathroom window .

 She can't hear him. so he points to his eye[i], points to his
 knee[need] and then makes raking motions.

 'What?' she yells.

 So he goes thru the whole routine again. she nods like she gets it and
 then points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass and
 then to her crotch.

 Her husband is totally confused [and somewhat aroused] so he goes in
 the house and upstairs and leans around the corner 'what did you say?'.

 She says ' I said: eye [i] left tit [left it] behind [behind] the bush.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 20:50:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Marriage

Marriage is like horseradish...men praise it with tears in their eyes.

****

"I'm glad my husband forgets our wedding anniversary."
"Why?"
"Because I remind him of it in March and November.  That way I get two
presents."

****

Marriage counselor:  Do you have a basic understanding about family
finances?
Wife:  Well, we both deplore extravagance.  My husband deplores mine and
I deplore his.

****

Marriage is like a violin...after the music stops, the strings are still
attached.

****

Marriage counselor:  Do you enjoy talking to each other?
Counselee:  Oh, we enjoy talking to each other all right.  The problem
is listening to each other.

****

Marriage counselor:  When things go wrong, do you blame each other?
Counselee:  Not always.  Sometimes we blame the children.  Sometimes we
blame the President.  Sometimes we just slam doors.

---
A fate worse than death: To be married alive.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Jan 1997 to 15 Jan 1997
************************************************
