HUMOR Digest - 13 Jan 1997 to 14 Jan 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 317 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Proper Printer Use
  2. <HUMOUR> The folly of a  young executive
  3. Hunting Trip  <Off. To Surgeon's>
  4. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  5. Texonics
  6. Lawyer Jokes - Part 10/17  (off to Lawyers?)
  7. Cajun humor <not offensive>
  8. More Cajun Humor
  9. Whats in a name?
 10. Italian Jokes Part 1 of 2 <off. to Italians>

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Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 03:59:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Proper Printer Use

            Using Line Printers at the workplace:

 * If your printout does not arrive within 1.2 seconds, immediately
   take the printer offline and press <line feed> enough times to place
   the perforation in the center of all subsequent printouts.  Leave the
   printer in this inoperative state, but be sure to place your document
   (140k minimum) in the queue at least five (5) more times before going
   home.  In the unlikely event you return for your output, give it a
   cursory glance before discarding in the recycle bin.

 * Be sure and send all graphics output to the line printer as often as
   possible.  Fill at least 175 pages with brief cryptic strings such as
   q:!@ in the corner.  After observing that this output does not match
   the plot you intended, perform the exact same action a second time, in
   the hope that the first error was simply the result of intervention by
   evil spirits.

 * Wad, crush, crumple, stomp, spindle, paw, and rip at least six (6)
   other users' output in retrieving your own.  Broadcast this refuse in
   random directions or coat the vicinity of the printer with it in an
   act of modern-type performance art.

 * Note to administrators: change the print ribbon at least once every
   four years, whether it needs it or not. Ensure that the print queue is
   disabled before all major Total Quality Management projects, and that
   name/banner/whitespace pages exceed printed output by a minimum ratio
   of at least 3:1.

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Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 17:00:13 -0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> The folly of a  young executive

Forwarded from Roger Eggleton

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the
CEO (=Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with
a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my
secretary has left.  Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.   He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine.  "I just need one copy."

Mike Robertshaw
Open Learning Institute of Hong Kong
Kowloon, Hong Kong

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Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 05:40:42 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Hunting Trip  <Off. To Surgeon's>

A busy sergeon returned from a two-week hunting trip
compaining angrily to his wife,"I didn't kill a damn
thing!"
"Well darling," she replied,"that's what you get for
neglecting your practice."

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Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 12:41:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

NATURE, BIRD WATCHING, INTO
1) Peeping Tom.
2) If genuine: be prepared to wake up at 3:00 AM in the middle
of Winter and slog for three hours in a marsh, to watch the
mating dance of the Scottish Heron.

NON-EFFEMINATE GAY
Tattooed, six-day beard growth, big muscles, army boots and
combat jacket (chancy, if female).

NON-SCENE GAY
Had a very nasty experience with huge sailor.

NON-SMOKER
Smoker, trying to quit. Has fits and tantrums as a result of
nicotine withdrawal.

OCCASIONALLY MOODY
Suicidal.

OLDER LADY SOUGHT
Gigolo.

PLUMP
Female version of the Michelin Man.

POLITICALLY CONSERVATIVE
Wears swastika armbands, jackboots and an SS cap.
Sings banned nazi songs in pubs and gets usually beaten to a
pulp by the other patrons.

More...

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 07:53:47 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Texonics

     "The Texas Thesaurus of Good Ol' Boy Expressions and Sayings."

 Disloyal -- He's the kind who'd spit on the Alamo.

 Ego -- When you think you're important, try ordering somebody else's dog
around.

 Friendship -- They're friends enough to use the same toothpick.

 Gullible -- He's so gullible I can play craps with him on the telephone.

 Ignorant -- If you take ignorance out of the Texas Legislature, you'll no
longer have a representative government.

 Stingy -- He'd rather sit in the shade of the tree to save the shade of
the porch.

 Weary -- I feel like I've been ironing all day with a cold iron in high heels.


Source: Houston Chronicle's columnist Thom Marshall quoting from Bob
Bowman's book titled "He's Wetting On My Leg -- But It's Warm And It Feels
Good."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 08:03:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@EXTCO.TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 10/17  (off to Lawyers?)

A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery,
she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped
in something soft.

"Honey!" she shouted to her husband. "I'm melting!"

 -----------------------

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his
summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one
friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend,
happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time
came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and
enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for
their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a
female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend,
however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for
the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All
the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's
family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still
there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and
shot the female.

"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?"

 -----------------------

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise
ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a
long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I
haven't seen you in years.  What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks
I'm still a pimp."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 11:50:36 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: Cajun humor <not offensive>

>From my friend Ben:

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear
factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the
LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office.

So as Thibodeaux waited, Boudreaux sat down at the desk and was
interviewed by the lady there.

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.

"Me, I was a crotch sticher. I specialized in ladies underpants."
Boudreaux proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, "OK, you're eligible for
$50 a week."

"Hot damn, you mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I can get $50 a week.
Man, that even beats crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.

Then Thibodeaux sat down and the lady asked him the same question.

Thibodeaux looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was a diesel fitter."

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're
eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."

"WAIT A HOT DAMN MINUTE!" Boudreaux shouted. "How come he gets $200 a
week, and me, I only get $50. I told you I used to be a crotch sticher;
you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are
all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you done there. And
Thibodeaux here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least
twice more than I'm making?"

"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education.
Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oilfields and heavy
equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got it all wrong.
Yeah, Thibo's a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that
after I do all the fine work on the lady drawers, he picks them up, looks
'em over and streches them this way and that, and then says, 'Yep, dese'll
fit her!'"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 13:09:40 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More Cajun Humor

Dat man, Joshua sumpin or udter, what post dat ting 'bout Cajun Humor dis
mornin', he don' know nuttin about us Cajun.  I done sent him a seprate
message tellin' him dat and also I give him a lesson in Cajun French. Here
is what I done tole him: How do you say "Cut de grass" in Cajun French?
Now, I done knew dat he don' know dat, yeah, so I tole him how to say dat.
It is "Mow de lawn!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 20:21:29 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: Whats in a name?

Turns out there is a precise formula that can be used to derive Your Soap
Opera Name and Your Porn Star Name. Research has shown that the degree of
accuracy is frighteningly high.

Your Soap Opera Name = Your Middle Name + The Street You Grew Up On

Your Porn Star Name = Your First Pet's Name + Your Mother's Maiden Name

You may have seen me on 'Santa Barbara' as "Michael Devonshire."
But even more impressive was my performance in 'Taboo XXXI' as "Apache
McClure!"

What's your name...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Jan 1997 00:31:07 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Italian Jokes Part 1 of 2 <off. to Italians>

- Why don't Italians eat Fleas?
  Because they can't get thier little legs apart.

- Why don't italians have freckles?
  Because they slide off.

- What is the national bird of Italy?
  The fly.

- What is the diference between an Italian woman and an Elephant?
  A couple of pounds.

- What is the smallest regiment in the Italian Army?
  The 1st volunteers.

- Why do Italians carry garbage in their pockets?
  For identification.

- How do you give your car a grease-up and an oil change?
  Run over an Italian.

- How do you tell when an Italian has drowned at the seaside?
  By the oil slick on the water.

- How do you kill an Italian?
  Smash the toilet seat down on his head while his eating.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jan 1997 to 14 Jan 1997
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