HUMOR Digest - 12 Jan 1997 to 13 Jan 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Snow Skiing - Part 2 of 2
  2. It's A Wacky World  (Sexual)
  3. A New Oxymoron <poss.off. to right-wingers>
  4. Sheep and their inner worlds  <clean; may still offend sensitive sheep>
  5. Childhood (mildly offensive)
  6. The Penis List <adult>
  7. The Robbery <adult,offensive to women>
  8. Homosexual Humor <offensive to homosexuals, adult themes>

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Date:    Sun, 12 Jan 1997 02:52:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Snow Skiing - Part 2 of 2

              It's winter!  Time to go skiing!
                        Part 2 of 2


Inertia:
    Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
    due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along with
    these other physical laws:
       1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
          the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger
          hospital and home care bills.
       2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
          out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
          our universe.
       3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree")

Prejump:
     Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
     of a bump.  Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
     losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
     a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

Shin:
     The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
     where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
     from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!:
     A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
     hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
     (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

Skier:
     One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
     Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
     straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
     forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
     little crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should be
     quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor:
     The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse:
     To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
     methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
     Alternate method of either Traverse or Stopping.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 12 Jan 1997 12:12:31 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World  (Sexual)

                   Wrong number can prove costly.


ABILENE -- When two prostitutes attempted to return a call to a potential
customer,they got a wrong number that landed them in jail. Taylor County
deputies said the women mistakenly paged a narcotics agent last Wednesday
afternoon. "They were one digit off, and they got the policeman instead
of the john that they were looking to make some money from," sheriff's Sgt. Earl Donnell told the Abilene Reporter-News.


When the agent, who didn't recognize the number on his pager, returned the
call he quickly realized the woman on the phone wanted to talk a little
"dirty business." He said she told him that he and a friend could have two
sexual acts performed for the bargain price of $40 apiece "The sky's the
limit is what they told me," the agent said. "It went a little further, and
I told her I'd call her back." The agent set up taping equipment. Then,
after picking up the women at a motel agents revealed their identity and
arrested them. Said Donnell, "Just the look on their faces was a sight to
behold when they realized they had paged a police officer."


Source: Houston Chronicle

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Date:    Sun, 12 Jan 1997 16:45:17 -0500
From:    Chilton <bchilton@SUFFOLK.LIB.NY.US>
Subject: A New Oxymoron <poss.off. to right-wingers>

Another Oxymoron:

                        The Honorable Newt Gingrich.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 01:23:00 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Sheep and their inner worlds  <clean; may still offend sensitive sheep>

> from Captain Stupid this month (w/comments)


Q: Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

--------------David of Columbus, Ohio

A: David, I'm sorry to shatter your misconceptions, but wool doesn't
really come from sheep. As everyone knows, wool comes from SWEATERS.
Sheep are actually made of lycra, which is why they don't shrink when it
rains.
--------------------------------------------
Author's note: Sarcastic but true; this fact is still misinterpreted
even by most sheep themselves. And more often than not, these
misinformed ones have come to learn about the relieving fact only after
they have come to clinics for receiving psychotherapy for the treatment
of their chronic ailment: pluphobia (fear of rain). (Hence, "rainman"s
psychotherapy actually originates from the fact that he was most
probably a sheep in previous life). Just assume for a moment you are one
of those misinformed, unsheltered sheep hearing rain drops coming down
your way, rain drops falling with increasing amplitude and frequency...
Imagine how helpless you would feel inside...
A.D.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 12 Jan 1997 18:48:33 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Childhood (mildly offensive)

A few thoughts on my childhood:

        I was 22 years old before I realized that sex was a two-person sport!

        I always thought that virgin wool came from ugly sheep!

        I was never allowed to play in the sandbox because the cats kept
        trying to bury me!

        My bathtub toys were a hair dryer and a radio!

        My mother used to hang a porkchop around my neck to get the dog to
        play with me!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 12 Jan 1997 19:54:44 PST
From:    "Bradford J. Smith" <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Penis List <adult>

                           THE Penis List

    The Nuprin Penis:  Little, Yellow, Different.
    The Equal Penis:  Tastes like Sugar.
    The Raid Penis:  Kills bugs dead.
    The Excedrin Penis:  It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
    The Sprite Penis:   Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
    The Snickers Penis:  It satisfies you.
    The Alkaseltzer Penis:  Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...
                            Oh, what a relief it is...
    The Magnavox Penis:  Smart. Very Smart.
    The Life Call Penis:  It's fallen and it can't get up.
    The American Express Penis:  Don't leave home without it.
    The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis:  How many licks DOES it take...?
    The Pringles penis:  once you pop, you can't stop
    The m&m penis:  melts in your mouth, not in your hand
    The frosted flakes penis:  They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
    The lucky charms penis:  They're magically delicious
    The Energizer penis:  it keeps going and going
    The metra penis:  The way to REALLY fly
    The right guard penis:  anything less is uncivilized
    The jolly green *giant* penis:  self-explanatory
    The Cambells soup penis:  mmm mmm good
    The purple pickle penis: heh heh
    The rabid wombat penis:  just kidding jason
    the kix penis: kid tested, mother approved.
    the mcdonald's penis: over 8 billion served.
    the tombstone penis: what would you like on your penis?
    the ragu penis: comes out chunkier than the rest.
    the chips ahoy penis: betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
    the cobain penis: it blows itself away.
    the purdue penis: more meat, less bone.
    the all state penis: you're in good hands.
    the 7-up penis: the UN-penis.
    the nike penis: just do it.
    the borden penis: it's GOT to be good.
    the barq's penis: the one with bite.
    the beef penis: it's what's for dinner.
    the bud lite penis: great taste, less filling.
    the subway penis: where fresh is the taste.
    the kentucky fried chicken penis: everybody needs a little.
    the life penis: mikey likes it.
    the transformers penis: it's more than meets the eye.
    the twizzler penis: it makes mouths happy.
    the nintendo penis: now you're playing with power.
    the sega penis: PENIS!
    the robitussin penis: used by nine out of ten moms.
    the crest penis: recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
    the champion penis: the official penis of the '96 u.s.a. olympic team
    the starburst penis: the juice is loose.
    the toyota penis: i love what you do for me.
    the THX penis: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
    the citibank visa penis: it's everywhere you want to be.
    the timex penis: takes a lickin and keeps on.......
    burger king penis:  have it your way
    dairy queen penis:  hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
    McDonald's penis:  HAve you had your break today?
    the army penis: be all that you can be.
    the uncle sam penis: we want you.
    the milk penis: it does a body good.  (got penis?)
    the flintstone's vitamins penis:  10 million strong and growing
    the wendy's penis:  where's the beef?
    the wizard of oz penis:  "oh my!"
    The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
    The Folger's Crystals Penis: It's freeze dried to seal in the
       freshness. AND--the best part of wakin up is a penis in your cup.
    The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
    The Mr. Clean penis: Is it wet or is it dry?
    The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
    the doublemint penis: chewing really satisfies.
    the juicyfruit penis: the taste is gonna move ya.
    the big red penis: it's longer with big red.
    the matthew sweet penis: 100% fun.
    the millikin penis: big blue.
    Robutussin Penis:  Recommended by Dr. Mom...
    The neon penis: Hi.
    The little caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!!  or Pleaser! Pleaser!
    the generic penis: one size fits all.
    the rave music penis: Ya'll ready for this?
    the mortal kombat penis: nothing can prepare you.
    The Bounty Penis:  The quicker picker-upper.
    The Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
    The Bounce Penis:  With Static-Guard!
    the domino's pizza penis: delivers in 30 min or less
    the monty python penis: "isn't awfully nice to have a penis"
    the monty python penis II:  "every sperm is sacred...."
    the budweiser penis:  this bud's for you
    the siskel & ebert penis:  2 thumbs up...
    the george of the jungle penis:  watch out for that.......tree?
    the nyquil penis:  the nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose,
                       itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
    The rice krispies penis:  what does your penis say to you?
    The Extra penis:  lasts an extra extra extra long time
    Wonder bubbles penis:  Magic wand inside!
    Wonder bubbles penis II:  for ages 3 and up
    The Phantom of the Opera penis:  Music of the night
    The Webster's thesaurus penis:  how many words are there for penis?
    The Charmin penis: Don't squeeze the penis!
    The Sears penis: Come see the brighter side.
    The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
    The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
    The Rick James penis: It's SUPERFREAKY.
    The Gilette penis: The best a man can get.
    The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer.
    the bacardi penis: taste the feeling.
    the macintosh penis: power is everything.
    the borg penis: resistance is futile.
    the edge shaving cream penis: ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
    the beatles penis: now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
    the oasis penis: thinks it's the beatles penis.
    the jell-o penis: look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
    the virginia slims penis: you've come a long way, baby.
    the at&t penis: reach out and touch someone.
    the highlander penis: in the end, there can be only one.
    the micro machines penis: a whole world, in the palm of your hand.
    the ertl penis: just like the real thing, only smaller.
    The Sanka Penis:  Good to the last drop
    The Secret Penis:  Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
    The swiss miss penis:  the taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
    The "mine is better syndrome penis":  my penis is bigger than your penis
    The Payday Penis:  Its almost totally nuts!
    The yellow pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.
    The Sony play station penis: You are not ready.
    the heinz penis: good things come to those who wait.
    the hinz penis: 2 and half inches of terror
    the Reese's penis:  How do you eat your Reese's?
    The Beavis penis: Look! it's changing color!
    The Life Savers penis: Five fruity flavors.
    The Star Wars penis: Use the Force, Luke!
    The Invasion of the Body Snatchers penis: "They're here already!
                                               You're next... YOU'RE NEXT!"
    The War of the Worlds penis: "The time came when the Martians
        looked upon our penis with envious eyes, and slowly but surely turned
        their plans against us."
    The Windows '95 penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash.
    The Kenny Rodgers penis: Very very hairy.
    The Rush Limbaugh penis: Bald and fat.
    The Millikin E-mail penis: I should be doing work, but this is so fun!
    The Janet Jackson Penis: What Have You Done For ME Lately?
    The Clint Eastwood Penis: Go ahead, make my penis.
    Milli-penis: it doesn't work most of the time
    Health Services Penis:  Ummm well we lost it
    Health Services Penis II : it's not here right now, but here's
                                some Sudafed
    The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!
    The Mazda Penis: It just feels right.
    THE FORD PENIS: BUILT FORD TOUGH
    THE BUTTERFINGER PENIS: NO BODY BETTER LAY A FINGER ON MY PENIS
    THE EGGO PENIS: LEGGO MY PENIS
    THE SKITTLES PENIS: TASTE THE PENIS
    THE BIC LIGHTER PENIS: FLIC MY PENIS

Author(s) unknown

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 10:15:05 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Robbery <adult,offensive to women>

 A man and his daughter were on their way home by train. The train
 got hijacked. Everyone on the train was instructed to empty their
 pockets and take off their jewelry. The daughter said "Dad give me
 your money and your jewelry. I am going to hide it." The dad did
 so. The robbery searched everyone but did not find their jewelry.
 After they got off they got off the train the dad ask his daughter
 where she hided the jewelry. At first she would not say. After an
 hour of her father's begging she said she hid it in her pussy.
 Then the father said, "Too bad your mom was not here. We could have
 hid the luggage too."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Jan 1997 00:28:11 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Homosexual Humor <offensive to homosexuals, adult themes>

Q: Who first brought aids into the country?

A: A Bum

-----
Q: What do you call a homosexual who hasn't got aids?

A: A Smart arse.

-----
Q: Have you heard about the homosexual judge?

A: He tried the accused on the bench.

-----
Q: Have you heard about the homosexual electrician ?

A: He got wired to his mate.

-----
Q: Have you heard about the homosexual magician?

A: He disappeared with a Puff.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jan 1997 to 13 Jan 1997
************************************************
