HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1997 to 12 Jan 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 434 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Snow Skiing - Part 1 of 2
  2. Personal Ads explained (adult)
  3. Lawnmowers and Hearing (w/comments) <clean; may still offend those with
     PMS>
  4. DICTIONARY OF DATING
  5. Prevention of cruelty to Vegetables <offensive to animal rights activists>
  6. Poet & Scientist <clean>
  7. Yo Momma <rude, offensive, high in cholesterol>
  8. Three worst Chinese torture tests <off to Chinese>
  9. Sleeping Hands   <Adult>

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Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 02:27:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Snow Skiing - Part 1 of 2

                It's winter!  Time to go skiing!
                        Part 1 of 2
Alp:
     One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
     Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
     One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
     timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard, First
     Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
     Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
     a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
     across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
     There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however;
     the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
     Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.  It's good exercise,
     doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets.  It has no crowds or
     lines.  See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
     Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
     snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
     nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and
     the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder
     of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
     A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
        1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
        2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
           skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
        3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
           then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
     Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
     but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
     should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
     dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
    One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
    The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
    the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
    electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
    ski-resort parking lots.  See Inertia.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 09:47:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads explained (adult)

LONELY
Has habits so awful that cannot be legally described in an ad;
deserves to be lonely.

LOOKING FOR MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP
Looking for father/mother for five quite appalling kids.

LOVES ANIMALS
...more than people; has fifteen cats.

LOVES CHILDREN
1) Paedophile.
2) In more than one way: roasted, fried, barbecued, en cocotte,
a la mode du chef..., ok, just kidding

MATURE
Menopausal.

MODEL
Prostitute.

MOTORCYCLES, INTO
Hell's Angel. Leather, studs, chains, into.

MUCH-TRAVELLED
Long-distance lorry driver; if genuine airline pilot, has
tertiary syphilis.

MUSIC, INTERESTED IN
1) Has a $ 5,000 quadriphonic set-up that kill at a mile range.
2) Owns a cheap Woolworths Hi-Fi and a couple of ABBA LP's.
3) Plays the ocarina. Badly.

More....

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 12:15:10 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Lawnmowers and Hearing (w/comments) <clean; may still offend those
         with PMS>

> from Dr. Science this week:

   [Q]  After shutting off my lawnmower, I notice sounds that I've
	never heard before. I always understood that loud noises damage your
        hearing. How come my lawn mower seems to make my hearing better?

          ------------------- Bob Pease, Top of the Hill, Daly City

   [A]  You've stumbled across the only known technique for hearing
        enhancement. The power mower was actually invented to provide
	an ear splitting roar that could stimulate "hearons", the hairy
        stalks that line the waxy canals of the inner ear. A few hours
        with a lawnmower will result in a ten fold increase in
        sensitivity. The reason people who mow lawns for a living wear
        ear protection is to prevent over-sensitivity to noise. One
	guy forgot to wear his one day and that night he was troubled by
	the snoring of someone who lived on the other side of town.
--------------------
Author's comment: This also explains why scientists have tended to
believe women get more sex drive during their menstruation periods. How
come?? Simplicity itself: Men who have mown lawn during times when they
had to something else (hence, due to periods..)  and they have
experienced louder actions... and transactions in discrete cases when
--despite inconveniences (don't ask me how you get over with "the"
inconveniences)-- some women wanted to thank their men for their hard
work; actually probably due to genuinely physiological and
endocrinological reasons...
A.D.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 12:16:06 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: DICTIONARY OF DATING

 DICTIONARY OF DATING
ATTRACTION    the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT
1st SIGHT     what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
              choosy people meet.

DATING        the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
              and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
              you don't especially like in the present and will learn
              to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
              special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom,
              and dating repulsive men.

EASY          a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
              morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT   a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to
              a man that she is interested in him. Despite being
              advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking
              a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the
              shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes
              are not located in her chest.

FRIEND        a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
              has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally
              unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE  a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to
              by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING   a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all
              the talking.

IRRITATING
HABIT        what the endearing little qualities that initially
             attract two people to each other turn into after a
             few months together.

LAW OF
RELATIVITY   how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
             proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
             often than he does.

SOBER        condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 13:16:28 EST
From:    Tim J Nafziger <tnafziger@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Prevention of cruelty to Vegetables <offensive to animal rights
         activists>

Prevention Against Cruelty To Vegetables.
By Joshua Boyd

        I believe vegetables should not be treated cruelly.  This
includes eating them and growing them for experimentation.  Futher more, some people grow them in unnatural conditions, like offices, just so that they can add a bit of color to the place.  There are artificial dyes for that.
        How would you like it if a group of big mean vegetables were to
come and try to eat you?  Would you like that? Huh?
        Vegetables are defenseless.  They do not have the ability to run
and hide or to defend themselves against harvesters and people coming to eat them. At least animals can run and hide or fight to defend themselves.
        It is reasonable to kill and eat animals because they kill and
eat each other.  But do you see vegtables killing and eating each other?
        In addition to the fact that vegetables really are not fair game,
they do not taste good.  So why do we try so hard to be cruel to a race when we
don't even get any real gain from doing so?
        Nationally known person and  respected leader, George Bush, also
shared my stand.  He refused to eat broccoli.
        In conclusion, what good reasons do we have for eating
vegetables?  None.  That is the answer.  So I think that our government
should put a stop to this dreadful activity.
        If you agree with me the you should write to our president
demanding that such a law be passed.

*******
The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as
long as the title and author's name are attached.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 14:04:24 -0500
From:    Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: Poet & Scientist <clean>

There were two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were
riding in the same compartment.  They had never met before, so naturally,
there wasn't much conversation between the two.

The poet was minding his own buisness, looking out the window at the beauty
of  the passing terrain.

The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so
he could try to figure them out.  Finally, the scientist was so bored, that
he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued
looking out the window, humming quietly to himself.  This infuriated the
scientist, who irratibly asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to  play a game?
 I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5.  Then, YOU
ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he deciced against it, seeing
 that the scientist was obviously a very bright man.  He politely turned down
the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time.  "Look,
 I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5.

Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"

Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid.
 He readily accepted the offer.  "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the
EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the
scientist's question.  He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to
the scientist.  The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said,
"Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what
goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face.  He thought about
this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous
calculations.  He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his  laptop,
using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.

After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of
Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up.  He reluctantly
handed the poet a $50 bill.  The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to
the window.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted.  "You can't do this to me!  What's the
answer??"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into the  his hand.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 14:17:53 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma <rude, offensive, high in cholesterol>

Well, that's it, folks!!!!!!!


 SO FAT,

 Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
 Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
 Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
 Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
 Yo momma so fat she was in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new
     world
 Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
 Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
 Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
 Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
 Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
 Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
 Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
 Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
 Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
 Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
 Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
 Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
 Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
 Yo momma so fat I had to take a train to get on her good side!
 Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
 Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
 Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
 Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
 Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
 Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
 Yo momma so fat that her senior picture had to be arial view!
 Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
-------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 15:47:03 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: Three worst Chinese torture tests <off to Chinese>


   Three worst Chinese torture tests

   A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
   hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
   besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
   and under trees.

   One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
   It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
   buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the
   chimney implying someone is home.

   He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
   beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes
   and says "What do you want?"

   The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks
   and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
   be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
   for tonight"

   The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
   condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" 
   The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
   promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
   tomorrow morning"

   The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
   then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever
   known to man."

   "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
   Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
   out in the wilderness all her life?

   Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
   showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was
   an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,
   it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl
   had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and
   well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
   throughout the meal.

   That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
   they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
   The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
   himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
   experience."

   Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
   on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on
   his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
   test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

   "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
   he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
   and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
   sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
   testicle".

   The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
   be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a
   third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
   bedpost".
-------------------------------
Date:    Sun, 12 Jan 1997 00:45:18 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Sleeping Hands   <Adult>

A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number
of guests.The hotel manager was called,and he let himself into the
room.Inside,he found an eldery man cursing and banging away on the
wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered."You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat."It's the first erection I've
had in years,and both my hands are asleep."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How is marriage like divorce?

A: They both begin when a man finds a woman who really understands
   him.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jan 1997 to 12 Jan 1997
************************************************
