HUMOR Digest - 10 Jan 1997 to 11 Jan 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 814 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Golden Oldies <adult, sexual themes>
  2. Humor: Hebonics<off jews>
  3. Some Misc Thoughts
  4. Cockroach <humour may be very "English" - not sure>
  5. Personal Ads explained <adult>
  6. Fwd: the ant and the grasshopper
  7. Yeasty Beastie
  8. News of the Weird
  9. Aliens in Detroit.
 10. Lawyer Jokes - Part  9/17   (off to Lawyers)
 11. Forbidden Words 1997
 12. Inter-personal advice! (Sexual)
 13. Date: 31-Dec-96 15:35
 14. Cowboy Quiz (off. to Dallas Cowboys fans)
 15. letter to wife & husband <adult, explicit>
 16. What is a hypochondriac?
 17. Hebonics <possibly off. to Jews>
 18. backwards

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 02:36:12 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Golden Oldies <adult, sexual themes>

Here are a couple of oldies back from the early 80's

- Man with sex problem on mind often wake up with solution in hand.

- Love is like music , three quarters swing time , one quarter rag
  time.

- Woman like oven , must make hot before put meat in.

- State of pregnancy exist when girl take seriously something
  poked in fun.

- When rape inevitable - relax and enjoy self.

- Lingering kiss is like a spiders webb , both end in undoing
  of fly.

- Man with big thing had no toys when small.

- Duck who flies on back is balls up , woman who lies on back is
  crack up.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 19:14:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Hebonics<off jews>

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a 2nd language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to
recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews.  Here
are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and
samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.


SAMPLES OF PRONUNCIATION CHARACTERISTICS:

1.  Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of
words.  Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

2.  The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V".  Thus
"walking" becomes "valking".

3.  "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is
virtually impossible to spell in English.  It's "ghraining
alghready".


SAMPLES OF IDIOMATIC CHARACTERISTICS:

1. Questions are always answered with questions.
Question:      "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response:  "How should I feel?"

2. The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a
pronoun has been used at the beginning:  "She dances beautifully,
that girl."

3. The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is
used for emphasis:  mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes
"shmurtle".


SAMPLE USAGE COMPARISONS:

Standard English Phrase               Hebonics Phrase

"He walks slow"                        "Like a fly in the ointment he walks"
"You're so sexy."                      (unknown concept)
"Sorry, I do not know the time"        "What do I look like, a clock?"
"I hope things turn out for the best"  "You should BE so lucky"
"Anything can happen"                  "It is never so bad it can't get worse"

---
Political Correctness is telling it like it isn't.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 04:26:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Some Misc Thoughts

* I usually don't give any woman a 2nd thought.
  The 1st one usually covers everything !!!

* Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a Playmate
  centerfold.

* I've nothing against 90's women, Honest !!!
  But I think wash and wear bridal gowns are a bit much.

* I've found that women are the chief cause of men's lying.
  They insist on asking too damn many questions !!!

* I was once kicked out of a nudist colony.
  They said I had too much on my mind.

* My new secretary must be absent minded.
  She left her clothes at the office, and took me to the cleaners.

* I'm not easily attracted by a girl's mind;
  rather by what she doesn't mind.

* I met this girl who said I could fill a void in her life.
  It wasn't until later I found out she meant her clothes closet.

* Remember guys -- a vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

* I'm always ready to go to bat for a woman. But I must admit,
  it's nicer, if she has the right kind of curves.

* It's always very hard to keep a good girl down --
  but, lots of fun trying !!!

* You've all heard the expression, "There's an exception to every rule."
  Oh Yeah ?  Well how come there's none to that rule ???

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 04:35:22 EST
From:    Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Cockroach <humour may be very "English" - not sure>

A husband and wife were at home on Christmas Eve when there was a knock at the
door.  The guy got up to answer it and standing on the doorstep was an enormous
cockroach.  As soon as the guy opened his mouth to say something, the cockroach
yelled "You wanker!", smacked him in the face and ran off down the road.

The guy staggered back inside and his wife asked what the problem was.  He
said, "A six-foot cockroach just called me a wanker and smacked me in the
face!"

His wife replied, "Yes... there's a nasty bug going round".

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 14:24:07 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads explained <adult>

HANDSOME
Handsome, but freaks out if you spill wine on his trousers.
Looks over your shoulder, into a mirror, when he talks to you.
Checks his reflection in shop windows.

HEAVY ROCK, INTO
Deaf. Stoned. Both.

HOMELOVING
Woman: compulsive cleaner; freaks out if you spill a drop of wine
on her table cloth.
Man: likes to stay home with a six-pack and a large bag of
Doritos, watching soccer on TV. Slob.

HORROR MOVIES AND BOOKS, INTO
Wears a black cape and sleeps in a coffin. If you accept a date,
wear a garlic necklace.

HUMOROUS
Maniacally so; knows Monty Python parrot sketch by heart and
repeats it over and over, laughing to himself.

INTELLECTUAL
Brooding. Talk non-stop about obscure Peruvian philosophers,
Leibniz' monads, Gestalt. A complete bore.

INTERACTS WITH MOVIE STARS
Works as a waiter in a bar patronized by out-of-work actors.

INTERIOR DECORATOR
Gay.

INTERIOR DECORATOR, SUCCESSFUL
Gay and rich. (What more do you want?)

JOGGING, RUNNING, ETC.
Talks incessantly about cartilage trouble, Achilles tendons,
running shoes; permanently exhausted. Do not expect sexual activity.

LARGE
Unbelievably overweight.
Man: great mounds of flesh spilling out of clothes. Sweats profusely.
Woman: wears bell tents; has double chin that looks like Elizabethan
ruff.

LATE FORTIES
Receiving old-age pension

More....

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 09:11:14 EST
From:    Chris Dooley <chris_dooley@COKER.EDU>
Subject: Fwd: the ant and the grasshopper

The Original Version:

 The ant busts his hump in the withering heat all summer long, building
 his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
 a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
 Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
 shelter so he dies out in the cold.

 The New Liberal Version:

 It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering grasshopper
 calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
 allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
 CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering grasshopper
 next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with
 food.

 America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in a country of
 such wealth that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a
 representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows
 up on NightLine and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case
 that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
 Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries
 when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

 Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS
 evening news and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they
 can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by
 those who benefited unfairly during the summer, or as Bill refers to it, the
 "Temperatures Of The 80's".

 Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act"
 RECTROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing
 to hire a proportionate number of green bugs, and, having nothing left to
 pay his Retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

 The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
 the ant's food while the government house he's in....which just happens to be
 the ant's old house.... crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to
 maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV; which
 the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, Bill Clinton is
 standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a
 new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.
 **************
 "You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot
 strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot help the wage
 earner by pulling down the wage payer. You cannot further the brotherhood
 of man by encouraging class hatred. You cannot help the poor by
 destroying the rich. You cannot build character and courage by taking away
 a man's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing  for them what they could and should do for themselves."

 --Abraham Lincoln

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 06:33:27 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Yeasty Beastie

[Forwarded by Loretta J. Arellano and William_B_Noble@msn.com]


AFTER SPECTACULAR RISE, NOTED DOUGH PERSON HAS FALLEN

      Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, 71, died Wednesday of a
 severe yeast infection, complicated by obesity and hot air retention.
      He was cremated, (of course), and his remains were sealed in a
 greased loaf pan shaped urn and buried Friday in the Manna Memorial
 Gardens, near Bakersfield, California.
      Dozens of celebrities attended his funeral, including his longtime
 friends, Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and
 Betty Crocker.  Little Debbie, who was rumored to be Fresh's most
 recent favorite "snack," sat in the back of the chapel, as did another
 purported paramour, Sara Lee.
      The graveside was piled high with flours as his godmother, Aunt
 Jemima, delivered the eulogy.  With her tears flowing like syrup, she
 said, "Pop N. never knew he was kneaded, but he always held a warm place
 in all our hearts.  Who else could have spent his whole life naked, with
 the exception of wearing that cute little baker's hat, and still been so
 accepted by so many?"
      Fresh rose quickly in show business, and although his later life
 was filled with turnovers, he refused to be flattened by fate.  He was
 not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked
 schemes.  Still, even as a crusty old biscuit, he was a roll model to
 millions.
      Fresh was preceded in death by two wives, Sugar (who succumbed to
 diabetes in 1953) and Butterball (who died tragically in a fire in 1962)
 and is survived by his third wife, Honey.  They had two children, Peanut
 and Chip, and one in the oven.
       Memorials may be made to the Pillsbury chapter of the Doughboy
 Anti-defamation League.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 10:37:49 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: News of the Weird

>From "News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd...."

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N.J., in September
and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured by a quarter-stick of dynamite that
blew up their car.  While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit
the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but they apparently failed to notice that the window was CLOSED!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 09:57:38 -0800
From:    "Todd C. Nessen" <tnessen@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Aliens in Detroit.

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas
station.  So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.  The
first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens
approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of
course he gets no
response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said take me to your leader!"  Of course, still no response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show
me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the
next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle
to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take
me to your leader!" Still nothing.  So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and
vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way
down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the
second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you  warn me!?"
The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen.
But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground,
wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 12:03:00 -0600
From:    "Bakken, Brian" <bdb@EXTCO.TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part  9/17   (off to Lawyers)

You proabably saw them as xx/13 parts.  Well, the postings were too
long so I have cut them down in size and will now expand out to 17 parts


The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns,
the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are
milking it.

 -----------------------

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two
   lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

 -----------------------

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a
   bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and
   nightcrawlers.

 -----------------------

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was
considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be
given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's
activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His
observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer.
His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set
it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man
with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For
many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I
have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them.  I was always
given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these
cows.  Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He
believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay,
the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was
obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on
the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my
family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some
cows.  I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my
land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his
because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute
over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"

After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his
concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have
a very serious problem concerning these cows."

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 13:12:09 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Forbidden Words 1997

The following list of forbidden words and phrases for 1997 is taken from
Matt Groening's "Life in Hell" comic strip copyright 1997.

And now without further delay the "Forbidden Words 1997:"

Arch Deluxe
Awesome
Been There, Done That
Booty Call
Cyber-anything
Don't Go There
Edgy
Empowerment
Family Values
Anything-gate
Just Don't Do It
No-brainer
Paradigm Shift
Phat
Proactive
Rock the Vote
The Rules
Soccer Mom
Tickle-Me Elmo
User-friendly
V-chip

And the winner's are:

Won't you help us build the bridge to the 21st century?
        and
Well, Duh.


Grant Anderson, Northwestern U.
Computer Engineering Co-op '99

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 13:58:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Inter-personal advice! (Sexual)

Snap Judgements About Men and Women

Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgements
- Taken from Women's Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs,
those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs":

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex.

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay.

3. Man can't hail a cab - Impotent.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins.

5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way
   there - Is a virgin.

6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan.

7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe - Compulsive Don Quixote.

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho.

9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow.

10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow.

11. Uses Sweet n' Low - Wears falsies.

12. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

13. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give a hand job, but won't go
    "all the way".

14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress.
    - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
    - Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant
      and sue.

16. Insists on ordering for you - Thinks that you had an orgasm when you     didn't.

17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.

18. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs.

19. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculator.

20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate - Has already come.

21. Insists on having some of what you ordered - Will make you sleep on
    the wet spot.

22. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you.

23. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac.

24. Drinks decaf - Fakes orgasm. (Female)

25. Orders in French - Fakes orgasm. (Male)

26. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and
    then try to borrow money.

27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts - Needs you to talk
    dirty during sex.

28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a hand job.

29. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating bitch.

30. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to move in with you and rearrange
    all your closets.

31. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count.

32. Undertips waiter - Small penis.

33. Undertips parking valet - Small penis.

34. Undertips cabbie - Small penis.

35. Uses a toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

36. Has a removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex.

37. Has a cellular phone in car - Has a penile implant.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Dec 1996 15:35:00 IST
From:    Narasimha Nayak <nayak%NIIT@IRIS.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Date: 31-Dec-96 15:35

SUBJECT:  Typical Official  Repsonses <potentially offensive to those working
                                       in any office >

My first posting to this list :
This appeared on our office internal joke mail list about 6 months back
--which I have suitably edited .
To any query  from Internal/External  Customers, top 5  Official Responses
-what is said and what is meant:

1. What is said: "We'll  get  back to you"

   What is meant: "We haven't the foggiest idea what this is all about,
   hopefully within the next one   month  we'll come across someone who
   might ..  God willing, he won't forget to contact you, if you
   haven't given up, by then!"

2. What is said: "It's in the pipeline"

   What is meant: "We hope and pray that some work on it will begin
   sometime this year, but if I were you,  I'd start looking
   elsewhere for alternate solutions"


3. Said: "He should be here by 4 o' clock. Can I  take a message?"

   Meant: "No hope in hell that he'll  get here before 6, however, if
   you're one of those over-optimistic  nerds you can tell me,
   and  I'll try not to forget to put up a note on his desk. Whether he comes
   back today or not, even if he does whether he reads that note is NOT my
   problem"

4. Said: "We've passed on your note to him"

   Meant: "Your message has been hastily scribbled on a piece of paper put
   on his Secretary's desk. If the cleaner doesn't sweep  it off the
   desk, the Secy. might just get to see it  when she  comes  in and
   hopefully she'll remember to pass it on to him, if she has not used the
   piece of paper as a coaster for her morning tea!"

 5. Said:      "I'll follow up personally on this"

   Meant: "I'll pass this on to ABC who'll pass it on to XYZ who'll pass
   it on to ... hopefully down the  line somebody will lose track of who
   started the chain, and you'll forget that it was ME you had spoken to"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 13:48:05 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Cowboy Quiz (off. to Dallas Cowboys fans)

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get in a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It's a parole violation to associate with known felons.

(from the ORIGINAL Michael Irvin)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 16:57:27 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: letter to wife & husband <adult, explicit>

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every 10 days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking up the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up too early
9 times you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you did not come
33 times you can too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
10 times your toes were in cramps
38 times you worked too late
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and got kicked in your balls
4 times you got it caught in you zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
3 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty magazine
98 times you were too  busy watching football on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about a crack in the
ceiling.  What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"  The
time you felt me move was because you had farted and I was trying to breathe.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 21:12:42 EST
From:    Rob Loach <rdloach@JUNO.COM>
Subject: What is a hypochondriac?

What is a hypochondriac?

Someone who enjoys ill health.

A thought for the New Year--
"So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto
wisdom." Psalm 90:12

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Jan 1997 22:26:43 -0800
From:    Ed Conrad <edconrad@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Hebonics <possibly off. to Jews>

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to
recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews.  Here are
some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of
phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics:

Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking"
becomes "valking".

"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually
impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining" "algheady".

Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics:

Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"  Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has
been used at the beginning:  "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for
emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains" turtle becomes "shmurtle"

Sample Usage Comparisons:

Standard English Phrase                  Hebonics Phrase

"He walks slow"                          "Like a fly in the ointment he walks"
"You're sexy"                                (unknown concept)
"Sorry, I do not know the time"          "What do I look like, a clock?"
"I hope things turn out for the best     "You should BE so lucky"
"Anything can happen"                    "It is never so bad, it can't get
                                                          worse"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Jan 1997 01:37:01 -0500
From:    Julia Freiman <yulia@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: backwards

This is my first posting. Hope you haven't seen this before.


An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a
younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of
shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this
collar because I am a Father". The Jewish man thought a second and
responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways.
Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought
for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The Jewish man
quickly answered " I to am the father of many. I have four sons,
four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my
collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The
priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted
out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The
Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got
up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said
"Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jan 1997 to 11 Jan 1997
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