HUMOR Digest - 9 Jan 1997 to 10 Jan 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 406 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. In the Russian camp <off. to Jews, sick humor>
  2. Employee Evaluation Translator
  3. Reincarnation and Re-Animation <clean>
  4. Personal Ads explained <adult>
  5. Tom Jones (warning: predictable)
  6. News of the Weird
  7. German camp <off.to Jews>
  8. Will Rogers (Not Offensive)
  9. For Sale: Encyclopedia <off. to wives><1 off. word>
 10. It's Wacky World
 11. Peanut Butter
 12. A couple of oldies but goodies (religious themes)
 13. A firm grip <adult, poss. off. to doctors>
 14. Yo Momma <Slightly offensive to overweight people... well, not slightly>

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Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 02:05:03 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: In the Russian camp <off. to Jews, sick humor>

In the world war the Russians had a couple of consentration camps.
This is what happened there one day.

RUSSIAN GENERAL: "O.K. , today we will play some sports. The
                  Englishmen will play soccer on the soccerfield ,
                  the Australians will play rugby on the rugbyfield ,
                  and the Jews will play hopscotch in the minefields"

RUSSIAN COLONEL:  "General maybe the Jews would rather play squash.
                   Hans !!!!! Bring the bulldozer!!! "

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Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 02:32:59 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Employee Evaluation Translator

                   Universal Employee Evaluation Translator
                               (Part 4 of 4)

With the advent of the new year, many employees are faced with the
dreaded "Annual Evaluation".  Perhaps these lists will assist ya in
in determining what your boss is really trying to say:

* MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE
    A snob

* KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
    Knows lots of dirty jokes

* ACTIVE SOCIALLY
    Drinks heavily

* CANNOT FAULT DEMEANOR
    Passed last drug test

* ENJOYS JOB
    Needs more to do

* GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS
    A buck-passer

* CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
    Pain in the ass

* TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS
    General butt kisser

* INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
    Knows more than supervisors

* TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS
    Knows when to keep mouth shut

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Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 09:44:18 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Reincarnation and Re-Animation <clean>

>From Dr. Science This Week (w/comments)

Dear Dr. Science,

You've died, and have had your body frozen for later re-animation.  In
the meantime, you've been reincarnated as someone else.  What happens when
your frozen body is re-animated?

------------------- Mike Cook, Dallas, PA

Then the fun begins.  Remember "the Parent Trap" starring Haley Mills?
The TV rip-off starred Patty Duke.  Well, it's something like that, only
more so, because it isn't a movie, it's your life.  I imagine the frozen body
that was re-animated will suffer from stiff joints, pathological fear of
freezers, and be much less fun at parties than the re-incarnated self.
Depending on when the re-animation happens, there may be a tremendous
age discrepancy between the two selves.  Actually, the whole thing sounds
like an episode on Oprah, one an inquiring mind like yours won't want to
miss.
_______

Naturally; the newer the generation, the better chances of having more
fun with the new lives there will be! The efficiency of this rising life
quality with very recurring lives will be directly proportional to how
effectively reanimation software engineers will be creative also in
their own reincarnated R&D efforts. Of course, betas will be available
for adventure seekers until a blasphemous upgrade is at public disposal.
Email notifications will be greatly appreciated if you happen to locate
Darwin's currrent version.
AD

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Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 09:55:44 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads explained <adult>

FREAKY
Certifiably insane.

FREE ROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE, EXOTIC HOLIDAYS OFFERED
Nasty little squirt who can get a woman, only by paying for her.

GAY
So incredibly camp that the most outrageous drag Queen would be
embarrassed to be seen with him. Makes Quentin Crisp look like
Mel Gibson (though, come to think of it...)

GENTLE
Nonentity.

GOOD LIFE
Dirty weekends, high-stake gambling, general debauchery,
group sex, young girls. (i.e., good life)

GOOD NATURED
Can be taken advantage of, but whines a lot if you do.

GORGEOUS
Daffy ex-showgirl who was gorgeous about 40 years ago.

GRADUATE
Diploma in plumbing from an un-heard of technical school.

GREGARIOUS
Into group sex and/or gang-bangs.

HAIRDRESSER
Gay.

HAIRY
Man: has more hair than a gorilla.
Woman: undergoing spontaneous sex change

There's more.....  (Masochists, rejoice!)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 10:21:29 +0000
From:    Prophet Elijah <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Tom Jones (warning: predictable)

A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says:

"Doctor, I've got a strange problem: every waking hour of the day I
have a strange compulsion to belt out classics like 'What's New
Pussycat', 'The Green Green Grass Of Home' 'Kiss' and many others!
What's wrong with me?!"

"You are suffering," the doctor replies, "from Tom Jones syndrome, and
before you ask, it's not unusual."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 06:11:25 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: News of the Weird

>From "News of the Weird" by Chuck Shepherd.....

The New York Post revealed in October that the New York City Police Department
has spent more than $260,000 since 1992 in overtime pay for nightshift officers
waiting for a flow to start for their urine tests.  Drug testing of randomly
selected officers is done only during the day shift, and the average overtime
claim is 3.5 hours!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 06:19:39 -0500
From:    Louis Vorster <KLD115@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: German camp <off.to Jews>

To reply of my friend Wikus's jokes on 9 Jan.'97 "Russian Camp"

German genaral: "Jews! Today we have some good news and some bad
                news! The good news is that half of you are going
                home! The bad news are for you to dicide wich half,
                the top half or the bottom half!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 07:37:02 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Will Rogers (Not Offensive)

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID - 18
                  (But probably wishes he had)

--New shoes hurt most when you have to buy them for the
  whole family.

--When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision
  he'll ever be allowed to make.

--Lots of people get credit for being cheerful when they are
  just proud of their teeth.

--Some church members are like wheel barrows - they go only when
  they are pushed.

--Wise men think without talking; fools reverse the order.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 09:32:41 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: For Sale: Encyclopedia <off. to wives><1 off. word>

For Sale By Owner:

Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britanica
NO longer Needed
Fucking Wife knows EVERYTHING!

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Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 09:58:32 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's Wacky World

LONDON -- Britain's law books are littered with obsolete
oddities,ordinances that have long outlived whatever bizarre purpose they
may once have served.

 But thanks to Christopher Dyment and his Statute Law Revision Team, there
aren't nearly as many as there used to be. It's their job to eliminate
useless laws left on the books through oversight and neglect. Dyment says
he regularly dredges up laws with their roots in the 13th-century reign of
Henry II.

 Most go unnoticed. But many, like the law requiring all taxis to carry a
bale of horse hay, seem to have no point except to make you scratch your
head.

 Princess Diana can be thankful that Dyment and his team are looking out
for statutes like the 1361 act proscribing death for adultery against the
heir to the throne.

 And the latest round of parliamentary housekeeping also makes it legally
permissible to deep-fry fish and chips on boats in the river Thames and to
move furniture at night in Glasgow, Scotland.

Source:CNN


------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 10:50:56 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Peanut Butter

           A few important facts about peanuts and peanut butter:
        Peanuts are legumes not nuts, have no cholesterol, and the
        smooth spread was invented by a St. Louis doctor in 1890s
        to provide a nutritional, easily digestible meal for his
        elderly patients. An inventor in Australia has invented a
        car that runs on peanut butter, but it keeps sticking to
        the roof of the garage.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 12:18:34 -0500
From:    John Holton <Johlt@AOL.COM>
Subject: A couple of oldies but goodies (religious themes)

Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening,
and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle,
which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing
everyone inside.

Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.

Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU?  All YOU
ever thought about in life was drinking!  You drank every morning, every
evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"

He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU!  You thought of nothing but
money!  Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money,
keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"

The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away.  "Come on, Fanny,
I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."

  *********************************

Many years ago, three priests, one just out of the seminary, one in middle
age, and one close to retirement, had to travel by train to Pittsburgh.  They
arrived at the station and the youngest of the three was assigned to purchase
the tickets.  Naturally, the ticket agent was an extremely attractive and
very busty young woman wearing a low-cut sweater and displaying plenty of
cleavage (amazing how that only happens in these jokes, isn't it?).  Just as
naturally, the young priest lost his nerve and requested "three pickets to
Tittsburgh, please."

"I beg your pardon?" the young woman said, and realizing what he had said, he
walked away from the counter, red as a beet.  He explained the situation to
his two travel companions, and the middle aged priest agreed to handle the
purchase.  And just as quickly he managed to come unglued and asked for
"three pickets to Tittsburgh."

The oldest priest lost his patience when he heard that neither of the younger
men could handle a simple assignment, and stormed up to the ticket counter
and asked for "three tickets to Pittsburgh."  At the end of the sale, he
lectured the young woman:

"Young lady, the way you're dressed is a disgrace.  If you were to die today
and appear and Heaven dressed like that, St. Finger would shake his Peter at
you."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 13:03:55 -0500
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: A firm grip <adult, poss. off. to doctors>

     A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to the doctor where he is told
     the illness is quite serious but can be cured by a small course of 2
     suppositories inserted deep up his back passage.

     The doctor then tells the man to bend over whilst he shoves the first
     one all the way up. The Doc then tells the man to repeat in 6 hrs
     time.

     At home 6 hours later, he can't do it himself so asks his wife to
     help. After telling her what to do, she nods, and puts one hand on his
     shoulder and shoves really hard. The man screams in disgust. "What's
     the matter," asks the wife, "Did I hurt you ?"
     "No," replies the man, "but I've just realised that when the doctor
     did that, he had both hands on my shoulders."


     See my web page at http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

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Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 22:55:43 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma <Slightly offensive to overweight people... well,
         not slightly>

Remember, this is only HALF the FAT

 Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
 Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
 Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
 Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
 Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
 Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
 Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
 Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
 Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get
     up.
 Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
 Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
 Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
 Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
 Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
 Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
 Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the
      other side just to get her through
 Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have
      to install speed bumps.
 Yo momma so fat that she can't tie her own shoes.
 Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
 Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land
      on her back!
 Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
 Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her
     waist they spelled out boulevard.
 Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and
      tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
 Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the
      bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
 Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona --  class Battleship
 Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
 Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
 Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with
      sandals!!!
 Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get
      off!!!
 Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
 Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development


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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Jan 1997 to 10 Jan 1997
***********************************************
