HUMOR Digest - 8 Jan 1997 to 9 Jan 1997
There are 19 messages totalling 532 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Employee Evaluation Translator
  2. contribution to HUMOR
  3. Personal Ads Explained  <adult>
  4. Sheep & Elephants <gross, adult theme, offensive to woman>
  5. Joke-Clean: toaster
  6. Rejection Letter from Trojan
  7. News of the Weird (non offensive)
  8. Transformations and Distribution <clean; may be off. to Russians>
  9. Its A Wacky World
 10. A commentary on the teaching of mathematics
 11. Two Engineering Students
 12. the winner takes it all <no off>
 13. 21 Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons <Mild Off to religion>
 14. computers'R'us  <clean, may be off. to contently-addicted computer freaks>
 15. Joke-rated: again and again
 16. Joke Rated:Sad Mistake...
 17. Questions Anyone ? (Part Deux) <adult,offensive to mathematicians,women>
 18. Yo Momma!!! <Offensive to mommas, or anyone with good taste>
 19. Crossbreding with Blondes <off.to blondes, adult, foul language>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 03:45:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Employee Evaluation Translator

               Universal Employee Evaluation Translator
                            (Part 3 of 4)

With the advent of the new year, many employees are faced with the
dreaded "Annual Evaluation".  Perhaps these lists will assist ya in
in determining what your boss is really trying to say:

* A KEEN ANALYST
    Spends hours rereading memos

* NOT A DESK PERSON
    Can't ever be located

* EXCELLENT COMPUTER SKILLS
    Always on the Internet

* ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
    An office gossip

* EXPRESSES SELF WELL
    Can string two-three sentences together

* SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB
    Miserable home life

* CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL
    Scared for their job

* METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL
    A nitpicker

* DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
    Has a loud voice

* JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
    Lucky

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 13:43:05 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: contribution to HUMOR

Subject: Dog behavior <clean> From Dr. Science This Week

Dear Dr. Science,

Why do male dogs furiously kick up grass and dirt with their hind legs
after using the bathroom?

------------------- Keith Henry, Sylva, NC

They're angry that they don't have access to a real bathroom and they're
showing their displeasure.  Not that dogs enjoy bathing, no, they just
want to have a chance to sit on the porcelain throne and read the morning
paper the way the rest of us do.  There are many other things that dogs are
angry about and a myriad of ways in which they vent these negative feelings.
Biting the mailman is a common one.  So is chewing shoes and making toll
calls to the psychic hotline when no one else is at home.  An unsupervised
dog is an accident waiting to happen.

------
Dr8 publication leading to *h."2"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 13:56:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained  <adult>

DEEP RELATIONSHIP
Insert "throat" in above sentence, for more accurate meaning.

DINING, INTERESTED IN
Man: makes obscene passes at mealtable, gets paralytically drunk,
throws up in partner's lap.
Woman: see "Large".

DISCREET
Married.

DIVORCED
Separated, and going through a very messy divorce.

DRIVES PORSCHE
Garage mechanic. Swipes Porsche when the boss is away.

ECCENTRIC
Extraordinarily weird. Possibly  homicidal.

EYES, BEAUTIFUL
Remainder, vile.

FAMILY MAN
Discreet affair sought.

FILMS, INTERESTED IN
Talks about some obscure Albanian movies made in
the 50s. Can talk a whole evening about the Introverted
Seminal Hermetism of Goddard's films.
Refuses to see Jurassic Park on grounds that it is trivial.

FOREIGN GENTLEMAN SEEKS PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP
Illegal immigrant; would marry anybody to secure permanent
residence in the UK/EU.

To be continued...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 07:39:19 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Sheep & Elephants <gross, adult theme, offensive to woman>

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Baby sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epeleptic pigmees.

Q: Why do tampons have a little string?
A: So that you can floss after you ate.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 08:04:36 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Joke-Clean: toaster

The other day, I told my friend, my toast was broken
so I joking said
I guess my toaster is toast!


------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 12:04:08 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rejection Letter from Trojan

Trojan(tm) Rubber Company, Inc.
Prophylactic Division, Lmtd.
69 Slipper Root Drive
Bendover, Mississippi    10169


Dear Mr.         ,

     We regret to inform you that your application to model TROJAN CONDOMS
(tm) has been rejected.
     Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board
of Directors feels that you do not achieve the positive image we are seeking
for our product.
     A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom does not promote a romantic image.
 (Your ingenious use of Polygrip (tm) is admirable, but unfortunately, even
that did not result in securing our product in place long enough for
photographs to be taken).

     Your interest in TROJAN CONDOMS (tm) is aappreciated and we will retain
your application on file in case mini-condoms ever show the potential for
developing.

                                                    Yours in safe sex,

                                                     Peter Skinner
                                                     Director of Advertising
                                                     TROJAN RUBBER CO., INC.
                                                     Prophylactic Division

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 12:15:29 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: News of the Weird (non offensive)

>From "News of the Weird" by Chuck Shepherd -

To assure that she would not be disqualified in last summer's Olympic Games,
Brazil's female heavyweight judo champion, Edinanci Fernandez da Silva, 19,
underwent surgery in May to remove partially formed testicles that were
responsible for her abnormally high levels of testosterone!

"I'm a normal woman," said da Silva!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 20:22:58 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: Transformations and Distribution <clean; may be off. to Russians>

>From Dr. Science This Week:

Dear Dr. Science,

I am interested in Fourier Transformations and the Theory of
Distribution.
Can you help me?

------------------- Prabir Mitra, Katowice, Silesia/Poland

What could you possibly need help with?  Why, those transformations are
as plain as the nose on my face.  Think of them as a filter that detects
random patterns and sends them far, far away.  The Theory of Distribution
is the way the random garbage finds its way to the dump.  The dump used
to be on Staten Island, but now it's on a barge, circling the world,
looking for a port that will accept it.  If Poland doesn't watch out, all the
world's random patterns will end up there or in Czekoslovakia.  Throw
them into the Baltic, it's already so polluted no one will notice.  At least
that's what the Soviets thought.

--------------------
* part of a Dr8 publication leading to a PhD in humorethics

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 13:03:29 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its A Wacky World

**Who wants to live in a coal mine?**


A lot of people bought home computers with the idea of tele-
commuting...avoiding all that nasty travel and working in their pajamas.
But a survey shows many now realize convenience cuts BOTH ways. They are
available outside normal business hours...and expected to respond. Sort
of like living in the coal mine.

Source: UPI

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 11:29:42 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: A commentary on the teaching of mathematics

A commentary on the teaching of mathematics, sent in by James Jackson of
Carlisle, Ind., appeared in "Echoes" (winter 1994), published by Rose-Hulman
Institute of Technology, Terre Haute, Ind. "Echoes" took it from the 1993-94
issue of "21st Century" (not otherwise identified).  The commentary takes
the form of a series of story problems:

In 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is
four-fifths of this price.  What is his profit?

In 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is
four-fifths of this price, or $80.  What is his profit?

In 1970 (new math):
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.  The cardinality
of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00.  Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production
contains 20 fewer points than set M.  Represent the set C as a subset of M,
and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of
points?

In 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100.  His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: underline the number 20.

In 1990 (outcome-based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20.  What do you
think of this way of making a living?  (Topic for class participation: How
did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 17:47:40 PST
From:    "Bradford J. Smith" <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Two Engineering Students

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer
calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did your get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when
this smokin' hot babe rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes
off all of  her clothes, and says "You can have ANYTHING you want!!"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you
anyway."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 00:06:19 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: the winner takes it all <no off>

Said the quizmaster to the candidate: 'Tell me, what would you like to get:
5 daughters or $ 50,000 ?'
Said the candidate: '5 daughters.'
Said the quizmaster: 'Why ?'
Said the candidate:' Because I have nine'.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 12:39:16 +1300
From:    Jonathan Kerkin <jonathankerkin@UNN.UNISYS.COM>
Subject: 21 Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons <Mild Off to religion>

* Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
* See if a yawn really is contagious
* Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your
  hand and tell the priest
* Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
* Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so
  on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on 'Q' unless your preacher is
  preaching against homosexuality.
* Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of
  you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble
  that made it to the front
* Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design,
  test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
* Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the
  front, under the pews, without being noticed.
* Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
* Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your
  nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
* If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
* Pretend to be 4 years old
* Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
* By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt
  inside out.
* Try to raise one eyebrow
* Crack your knuckles
* Think about your chin for an entire minute
* Twiddle your thumbs
* Twiddle your neighbours thumbs
* Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
* Practice smiling insincerely

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 02:25:23 +0200
From:    "Dr. And Demir" <and.demir@KIDSCLINIC.INET.FI>
Subject: computers'R'us  <clean,
         may be off. to contently-addicted computer freaks>

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

 * You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
 * Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she
   looks like
 * You check your mail.  It says "no new messages".  So you check it
   again
 * Your phone bill is delivered in a box
 * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
 * All of your friends have an @ in their names
 * You tell the cab driver you live at
    http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
 * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
   work to do"  and you don't have a job
 * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
    3.01"
 * You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log
    off
 * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
   front of your computer with a toilet
 * You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
 * Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you
   buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two
   of you can chat
 * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
   first instinct is to search for the "back" button
 * Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours.  You
   start to tremble.  You pick up the phone and dial your Internet
   access number.  You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.
You   succeed.

--------------------
* part of a Dr8 publication leading to a PhD in humorethics.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 15:20:00 PST
From:    RAO NIKHIL /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-rated: again and again

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what
his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available..
Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and
sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom
and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."
Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"
Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to
ex-models and ex-actresses..."
Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and
over again... until you're perfect at it !!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 15:21:00 PST
From:    RAO NIKHIL /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke Rated:Sad Mistake...

An old man went to a brothel. When asked what his preference was, he said..
"I don't care about anything else, except that the woman should have
syphilis." The people at the brothel thought it was a kinky and odd request.
Inspite of much effort, they couldn't find a woman suffering from syphilis,
 for the old man. Deciding that he would never be able to make out the
difference, they sent in one of their 'regular' women, to the old man. After
an energetic bout, they fell apart, panting.. The woman said - "Actually, we
didn't want to disappoint you...but I must  tell you now, that I don't have
syphilis."
The old man - "Now you do !!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 11:37:22 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Questions Anyone ? (Part Deux) <adult,offensive to
         mathematicians,women>

    It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all!  Especially when
    it  comes to sex!  Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite
    hold up!

    If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do
    you have?
    Divorce proceedings, most likely.

    If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your
    friends get?
    None.

    Is three an odd number?
    Not in this day and age.

    If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch
    penis attract?
    Two billion.

    If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants
    to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
    8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

    How are math and sex the same?
    I don't get either one.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 01:27:57 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma!!! <Offensive to mommas, or anyone with good taste>

Gangster General Warning:
    Excessive use in the streets may lead to broken teeth, limbs, and
internal hemorrhages.

> SO STUPID,

 Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
 Yo momma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice
 Yo momma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed
 Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she
      went home and got 16 friends
 Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her
      mind
 Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
 Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
 Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
 Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
 Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
 Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
 Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
 Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
 Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
 Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
 Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
 Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
 Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
 Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
 Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
 Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
 Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at
      McDonalds!
 Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
 Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.
 Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
 Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
 Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
 Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
 Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
 Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
 Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
 Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said
      "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
 Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said
      "guess" so she said levi's
 Yo momma so stupid she called information to get the number for 411 ...


------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Jan 1997 01:55:45 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Crossbreding with Blondes <off.to blondes, adult, foul language>

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a monkey?

A: Nothing. Monkeys are to intellegant to screw a blonde.

----

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a piranna?

A: I don't know , but it's your last blowjob.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Jan 1997 to 9 Jan 1997
**********************************************
