HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 1997 to 8 Jan 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 593 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Unfaithfull  <Clean>
  2. Employee Evaluation Translator
  3. Interviews And Irishmen <clean,offensive to the Irish>
  4. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  5. Reply to question
  6. Another Oxymoron for ya
  7. Humor--Hormel Hell
  8. good news/bad news
  9. Down Under? (not off.)
 10. Students' Flawed Writings Reshape History.(Part 3 of 3)
 11. <HUMOR?> Tidbits in the New Year
 12. Cinderella....... Sexual Content (Actually, SICK!)
 13. I Shot A Query Into The Net
 14. Health Humor - offensive to HMO's
 15. More Oxymorons
 16. Yo Momma!!! <rude, offensive language, bad taste>
 17. Golf Pro <adult,offensive to lady golfers>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 02:56:11 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Unfaithfull  <Clean>

You dont have to laugh,if you dont want to.

A man dies and goes to heaven.When he gets there,St. Peter asks
him how many times he had been unfaithfull to his wife.The man
answers and says about 75 times.St. Peter checks in his book
and says "I see 75 time-well there's a Volkswagen Beetle,you
can drive around heaven in that".
A few days later another guy dies and the same procedure follows.
But this guy answer that he had been unfaithfull about 350 times.
St. Peter answers "Well thats a lot,but you can stay and ride
around on an old bicycle".
About a weel later another guy dies and the same procedure follows.
But this guy had never been unfaithfull to his wife,so St. Peter
gives him a brand new Rools Royce.
A few days later,the guy in the Beetle sees the guy in the Rolls
Royce standing next to his car,sobbing his eyes out.The guy asks
him "what's wrong ?".My wife died this morning,he answered.But
then you should be happy,because you can both ride in that Rolls.
"No" he answers,"I just passed her and she was on a skateboard".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 03:42:57 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Employee Evaluation Translator

                   Universal Employee Evaluation Translator
                               (Part 2 of 4)

With the advent of the new year, many employees are faced with the
dreaded "Annual Evaluation".  Perhaps these lists will assist ya in
in determining what your boss is really trying to say:

* IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL
    Wanted by no other unit/dept

* SHOULD GO FAR
    Termination papers have been filed

* QUICK THINKING
    Offers plausible excuses for errors

* VERY CREATIVE
    Finds reasons to do anything except work

* HARD WORKER
    Does everything the hard way

* OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION
    Generally turns in work on time

* WELL ORGANIZED
    Does too much busywork

* USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
    Clock watcher

* APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
    Usually finds someone else to do the job

* USES RESOURCES WELL
    Attempts to delegate everything

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 15:10:55 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Interviews And Irishmen <clean,offensive to the Irish>

 An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer
 companies.

 When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had
 to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six
 vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the
 Irishman.

 "Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"

 After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of
 leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the
 interviewer.

 The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"

 "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree +
 Tree make nine!"

 The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make
 it 99.

 After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the
 trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

 The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety
 nine!"

 "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
 make ninety nine."

 The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman
 once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and
 asked him to make it 100.

 After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed
 the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on the bottom right hand side
 of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

 The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
 "Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish
 accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd
 make 100!!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 13:05:06 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMING
Mousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.

CIVIL ENGINEER
Plays with Meccano.

COLOUR IMMATERIAL
Sexy black girl sought.

COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIAL
Sexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.

COMMITTED
Possessive. Control Freak.

COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.
If normal, does not need to advertise.
Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.

COMPUTERS, INTERESTED IN
People, NOT interested in.

COUNTRY COTTAGE
Run-down hovel without main facilities, miles from anywhere.
Wants cook and housekeeper, without having to pay for it.

CREATIVE
Once went to pottery evening classes.

CUDDLY
Man: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.
Woman: has six children - breast-feeds them in restaurants.

To be continued... (no flames received at the time of going to press)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 00:18:39 +0000
From:    Antony Currington <acurri@SANS.VUW.AC.NZ>
Subject: Reply to question

On  Mon, 6 Jan 1997 23:22:02 -0600,  Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM> wrote

> How do you keep a person wondering?

Tell ya tomorrow...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 00:12:55 +0000
From:    Antony Currington <acurri@SANS.VUW.AC.NZ>
Subject: Another Oxymoron for ya

Here's another Oxymor0on to add to the list

Postal Service

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 07:42:39 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor--Hormel Hell

A little long .....with permission from our favorite cyber cop Mr. Randall.

CyberWire Dispatch // Copyright (c) 1997 // January 3 //
Jacking in from the "Make Mine Spam Lite" port:
   Washington -- This is a story of abuse in cyberspace.  It's an ugly,
twisted, tortured tale, but one that needs to be told.  It is the story
of the original, undisputed Spam King -- Hormel Foods, the makers of Spam.
The brand identity of any product is worth its weight in gold and
companies go hammer and tongs to protect those trademarks.  Spam, one of
Hormel's best known products, has endured pot-shots for decades, according
to Mary Harris, the company's main "Spam spokeswoman."  But somewhere along
the line, the company lost control of "spam" as it went spinning out of
control, being appropriated into the lexicon of cyberspace as a pejorative
for the act of flooding a newsgroup or Internet Service Provider with
unwanted electronic mail.
   "Spamming" as this Email flooding is popularly known, takes its name
from a Monty Python sketch where all the menu items at a particular cafe
come with Spam.   A quick search of the WEB using the Alta Vista search
engine returned more than 20,000 hits for the keyword "spam." All that ill-
will being associated with Hormel's top gun product doesn't exactly sit
well with the corporate suits, Harris says.  Like the use of the word "band-
aid" when referring to a "plastic strip first aid device" or "xerox" to
mean "a photocopy" using "spam" in cyberspace is just a fact of life for
Hormel.  "Unfortunately, there is so little we can do about it," Harris
says, noting that the company would have to "police the entire Internet
and how do you do that?" But it's not only the use of "spam" as a verb that
tweaks Hormel, there are plenty of web sites that refer to Spam in other
ways.  "Most of it is plain, unadulterated garbage," Harris says.  For
example, there is "spam hiku."  (Honest, I'm not making this up.)
Here are a couple "spam hiku" samples found, unattributed, on a web
site:
Soft, pink, newborn joy,
glistening within steel womb.
What? No placenta?
and
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food":
A small pink coffin
   While Hormel isn't exactly thrilled with Spam parodies, it apparently is
only tweaked when those parodies are unofficial.  Take the "Spamettes"
for example. This is company sponsored group that "takes popular songs
and turns them into 'spam songs,'" according to Harris.  The Spamettes
are a big attraction during the company's annual "Spam Jam" which takes
place on the fourth of July. (I swear, this is the truth.)
   Then there is "Spam Man" the product's official mascot that is given to
showing up at promotional events.  Spam even has its own in-house lawyer,
Kevin Jones.   I tried to reach Jones, but he didn't return my phone calls.
   There also is a Spam gift catalog, "a whole universe of Spam," Harris
said.  There's a "whimsical Spam silk neck tie" which is "garnished with
nostalgic Spam luncheon meat graphics, this tie inspires a look of
unmistakable good taste" for only $32.50. Or there's the Spam Can Boxer
shorts, "one of the most popular products!" Harris says.  The catalog
copy says these are the "best way we can think of to fill your drawers
full of delicious Spam luncheon meat," and they'll set you back only
$18.50.  Why Leno or Letterman haven't discovered this treasure trove of
joke material is beyond me.
   Perhaps Hormel is bent that one of its best known products is the butt
of so much cyber-abuse because there's no real "butt" in Spam. The
product is all pork shoulder, ham, water, sugar and sodium nitrate "as a
preservative," Harris says.  Which means that can of spam in your pantry
will be good until sometime well into the next millennium.
   While no one knows how much Spam is produced in cyberspace, in
"meatspace" some 110 million cans of Spam are produced per year,
according to Hormel.  An additional 10 million can are sold overseas.
Some 435 cans are consumed per minute in the U.S.
   Josh Quittner of the Netly News fired the first known shot in the domain
name wars in a story he wrote for Wired magazine.  That article chronicled
how he registered "mcdonalds.com" and created the "ronald.mcdonald" Email
ID.  Quittner, using negotiating skills that qualify him for the next
Commissioner of Baseball, got the McDonalds corporation to perform public
service for one of New York's elementary schools in exchange for the
rights to mcdonalds.com domain name.
   Since Quittner's stellar article, a virtual trademark war has been
fought in cyberspace.   Some companies threaten legal action, choosing a
kind of "no negotiations with terrorists" policy, while others choose
the path of least resistance:  they open up the corporate coffers and
pony up a fat check.
   Hormel itself has "bought back several domain names," says Harris, but
she declined to give specifics.  Hormel does own the "spam.com" domain,
though it sits idle.  A call the administrative contact for the domain
was not returned, though his Email address is listed with MCI Mail, as
is the domain's technical contact.
   This isn't to say that Hormel takes the misappropriation of its Spam
trademark lying down.  The company took the Muppets to court last year
when they found out that a new character, a pig named "Spa'am" was to be
introduced in the Muppet movie "Treasure Island."   A judge in 2nd U.S.
Circuit Court of Appeals agreed with a lower court ruling which basically
told Hormel to "lighten up."  The court said the Muppet character's name
"is simply another in a long line of Muppet lampoons" and would be seen as
"the joke it was intended to be."
   Although Harris says the company has "no official policy" on the
cyber-abuse of their product, the company is at least waging a kind of
quiet war to protect its trademark at the source:  InterNIC, the central
domain name registry.
   A bit of Web trolling discovered that Hormel is keeping a close eye on
InterNIC.   From a site simply called "SPAM!" comes this notice: "SPAM!
is now at a new URL due to pending negotiations with Hormel. They have
forced a hold on the domain name spam.net through InterNIC.
   In the broader net trademark wars, Harris says the company sends out
letters telling the offenders they "object to the improper use of our
trademark."
   Of course, if things get ugly, Hormel can always call on Quittner to
mediate the dispute.  They could cough a fat arbitration fee and give
him a lifetime supply of Spam.
   No need to thank me, Josh.  Just send me a case every Christmas.
Meeks out...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 08:06:32 -0500
From:    "Lidstrom, Beverly A." <bal@COLUMBUS.COM>
Subject: good news/bad news

     Homegrown:

     Faced with a seriously ill and very old cat, an acquaintance asked my
     husband for the name of a local vet.  He wanted to have a consultation
     and get a second opinion with regards to euthanasia.  My husband  made
     an appointment and then left his acquaintance this message.  "I've got
     some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that I got you an
     appointment with a vet.  The bad news is that the vet is Dr.
     Kevorkian's brother.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 10:47:08 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Down Under? (not off.)

 Q: What did the goose say when the pillow maker knocked at the door?

 A: "I'll be down in a minute."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 10:20:39 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Students' Flawed Writings Reshape History.(Part 3 of 3)

Source: Ann Lander's Column -- authored by Richard Lederer,a teacher at St
Paul's School. It is made up from lines in student papers.

                    The History of the World
 Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the
Santa Fe.

 One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks
in their tea.  Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats
backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation
Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture.
His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career.

 Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn,
when the apples are falling off the trees.

 Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German,
half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in
1827 and later died from this.  Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovere radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 11:57:53 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR?> Tidbits in the New Year

Tidbits I:  Thoughts too small for extended treatment
by Jim Mica

     1) You all know that Irving Berlin wrote "White Christmas."
He also wrote "Easter Parade."  It used to be a good natured show
biz joke that Berlin had a lock on the major Christian holidays.
The interesting twist on this is that, in addition to being one
of our greatest popular song writers, Mr. Berlin was Jewish.

        I was recently at a Winter Solstice gathering.  One of
the kids at the gathering kept dancing around the fire singing,
"There's NO BUSINESS like SHOW BUSINESS."  That was all she sang,
that one line, over and over again.  As I fought the urge to
crown the child with a good sized chunk of the Yule log, it
dawned on me that this was a case of Irving Berlin "claiming" yet
another holiday!  This time, however, he was reaching from beyond
the grave and laying claim to a Pagan holiday.  Oh well, there
was a pretty full moon that night too, so this might have been
just a touch of lunacy on my part.


     2) My house mate recently bumped into an old friend of hers.
They chatted about this and that, but ended up contemplating the
following:

        The old saw "A penny for your thoughts?" means something
like "what are you thinking about?"  When somebody has proffered
an opinion without being asked, however, it's said that they've
put their "two cents" in.  Is an unsolicited opinion really worth
twice as much as one that's requested?


     3) It's WINTER for real throughout much of the US now (some
parts of the north had been escaping it 'till now).  I have an
old car that may or may not make it through this winter.  As such
I've been paying some attention to car ads.

        There are lots of "our car is great for driving in the
snow" ads on the air.  I guess there have always been a lot of
these ads.  Remember the classic from the 60's:  How does the guy
who drives the snowplow get to work so that he can get the roads
clean for the rest of us?  The answer was the lowly VW bug.

        Now a days I keep seeing this ad for a $30,000 4-wheel-
drive Sport/utility vehicle that goes great in snow.  And, why
would one want such a vehicle?  The answer is that there are so
many good sales this time of year and you shouldn't miss a one of
them.  So, you just gotta get this car, not to haul yourself to
work or even to get you to the mountains so you can ski.  No, you
need it so you can haul yourself to the mall!

******
The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as
long as the title and author's name are attached.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 11:58:09 -0500
From:    "Sarbjit S. Sahansra" <ssahansra@ESTEE.COM>
Subject: Cinderella....... Sexual Content (Actually, SICK!)

   Once upon a time Cinderella was sitting on her porch just weeping and
sobbing when suddenly a Magic Fairy came by and asked her why she was
crying.  She told the Fairy that she was always forced to work on the
pumpkin farm and therefore never found any time to meet guys and never
got laid.

   Upon hearing this, the Fairy suddenly took out her magic wand and
pointed it at the pumpkin and turned it into the most beautiful dildo a
girl can dream of.  However, she warned her that she can only use this
dildo until midnight and not to dare try it longer than that.

   Obviously, Cinderella paid no attention to the warning and started to
have fun with the dildo totally loosing track of time.  When the Fairy
came back the next day, she realized that Cinderella was still crying
except only harder and louder.  She immediately went down to her and
asked her how yesterday went and Cinderella said it went really well
until Midnight.  So what are you crying about the Fairy asked?

  Because you never fuckn' told me that this thing would turn back into a
pumpkin after midnight!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 16:13:03 EST
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: I Shot A Query Into The Net

I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;

A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;

A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;

One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!

John D. Moore
U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit Library

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 16:12:31 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Health Humor - offensive to HMO's

Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?" The first replies,
"I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless lives."  "Welcome," says
Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."  Saint Peter then asks the second,
"Why do you belong here?"  The second answers "I was a family practitioner.
I treated young and old alike. I made them well again."  "Welcome," says
Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."  Finally, Saint Peter asks the
third, "Why do you belong here?"  The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped
pay for thousands to receive medical care."  "Okay," replys Saint Peter,
"But you can only stay a day and a half."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 16:28:50 -0500
From:    Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Oxymorons

John Stone's Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons missed at least two of my
favorites:
--military music
--plain chocolate

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 21:55:34 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma!!! <rude, offensive language, bad taste>

Please note:  In most cases, the word MOMMA can successfully be replaced by
the word POPPA.

> SO UGLY,

 Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
      professionals."
 Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a
      treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
 Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
 Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they
      put it around her neck
 Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
 Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence
      cameras
 Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs
      to play with her.
 Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
 Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
 Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
 Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .
      for a quote!
 Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
 Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
 Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
 Yo momma so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her!
 Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
 Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
 Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
 Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
 Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
 Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he
      doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
 Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow
 Yo momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water

> SO OLD,

 Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
 Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
 Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
 Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
 Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
 Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

> SO POOR,

 Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
 Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's
      fingers
 Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
 Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
 Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
 Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
 Yo momma so poor she wave around a popsicle stick and calls it air
      conditioning
 Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Jan 1997 11:49:00 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Golf Pro <adult,offensive to lady golfers>

 A lady and some of her freinds were out golfing at the local
 Country Club. While out on the course a Bee lands on her and
 stings her. After finishing their round of golf the lady goes
 to the Pro.Shop and tell's them about the Bee. The golf Pro
 asks her where she was bit, and she says it was between the
 1st.and 2nd.hole. The Pro say well I know what your problem
 is "your stance is too wide."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jan 1997 to 8 Jan 1997
**********************************************
