HUMOR Digest - 6 Jan 1997 to 7 Jan 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 528 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Employee Evaluation Translator
  2. Personal Ads Explained <adult>
  3. Words of wisdom
  4. Another riddle (possibly offensive to Italians)
  5. Humor-Oxymorons...some I hadn't heard before!
  6. Students' Flawed Writings Reshape History,(Part 2 of 3)
  7. Phone Call to Poland (Sexual)
  8. Dubious Achievement Awards of 1996 (not offensive)
  9. Yo Momma!!! <language, extremely offensive>
 10. Girlfriend 1.0 (off. to women)
 11. No Subject
 12. puns (no offense)
 13. Question (clean)

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Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 03:09:54 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Employee Evaluation Translator

               Universal Employee Evaluation Translator
                               (Part 1 of 4)

With the advent of the new year, many employees are faced with the
dreaded "Annual Evaluation".  Perhaps these lists will assist ya in
in determining what your boss is really trying to say:

* AVERAGE
    Not too bright

* SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
    Dumb as a rock

* EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
    Has committed no major blunders lately

* ZEALOUS ATTITUDE
    Highly Opinionated

* STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES
    Stubborn as Hell

* TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN WORK
    Conceited

* REQUIRES WORK-VALUE COUNSELING AT TIMES
    Lazy and hard-headed

* CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH
    Hasn't been arrested or caught stealing lately

* HAPPY AND CONTENT w/POSITION
    Paid way too much

* UNLIMITED POTENTIAL
    We're stuck with them until retirement

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 12:46:35 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads Explained <adult>

How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what
they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the
most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in
the UK.

AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHT
Schoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.

ARTIST
Likes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot
of dope and talks nonsense about Esixentialist Espressionism.

ATTRACTIVE
Ugly.

AVERAGE HEIGHT
For a pygmy.

BEAUTIFUL
Her mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl.
That was 45 years ago.

BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHT
Dirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.

BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
"Bonding" is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.

BUSINESSMAN
Old, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.

BUXOM
Exceptionally so. Sagging, too.

CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
Sponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.

CAR-OWNING
Owns a 1958 Morris Minor.

To be continued...

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Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 07:39:36 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Words of wisdom

>>>>>>>> "Deteriorata" - National Lampoon  <<<<<<<<

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,

And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,

And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss, and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three lefts do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,

And despite the changing fortunes of time,

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember The Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.

Know yourself.  If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,

Especially with those persons closest to you -

That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls

Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore.  It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan.

And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time, call 606-4311.  Ask for Ken.

Take heart, in the bedeepening gloom,

That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,

It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe.

You have no right to be here.

And whether you can hear it or not,

The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god,

Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,

The world continues to deteriorate.

Give up!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 08:21:26 -0500
From:    John Holton <Johlt@AOL.COM>
Subject: Another riddle (possibly offensive to Italians)

D. B.'s joke, in turn, reminded me of the following:

Q.  What's a specimen?
A.  An Italian astronaut.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 08:24:34 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor-Oxymorons...some I hadn't heard before!

SUBJ: Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
British fashion
Butt head
Clearly misunderstood
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Exact estimate
Found missing
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Legally drunk
Living dead
Military intelligence
New classic
Passive aggression
Peace force
Political science
Pretty ugly
Resident alien
Safe sex
Same difference
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
"This page intentionally left blank"
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 11:06:21 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Students' Flawed Writings Reshape History,(Part 2 of 3)

Source: Ann Lander's Column -- authored by Richard Lederer,a teacher at St
Paul's School. It is made up from lines in student papers.

                    The History of the World
 In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's
head.

 In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull.

The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of
the Renaissance.  Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented
cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.

 Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare
wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote
"Donkey Hote." John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he
wrote "Paradise Regained."

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Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 10:56:58 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437)" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Phone Call to Poland (Sexual)

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't
have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in
Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does.

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."  With that she takes it out and takes
hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips,
she says,

"Hello...Mom?"

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Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 13:23:54 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: Dubious Achievement Awards of 1996 (not offensive)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Esquire Magazine - Dubious Achievement Awards of 1996
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a partial list compiled from the January issue of Esquire
magazine:

+++If your dog has been recently neutred, don't worry. Thanks to CTI
Corp. you can purchase plastic replacement testicles that can be
implanted in their scrotum.

+++After a 13-foot pet Burmese python strangled, crashed and killed
her grandson, a woman was quoted as saying: "He loved that snake
to death."

+++Police in Melbourne, Australia are looking for suspects with
long-lasting erections. Burglars stole drugs that are capable of
causing five-day long erections.

+++Boxer Mike Tyson told the media he now likes to read comic books.
"When I was in prison, I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That
Tolstoy crap. People shouldn't read that stuff," Tyson told reporters.

+++A man in New Jersey filed for divorce claiming his wife had several
cybersex affairs with a man known as Weasel.

+++The Canadian government will start banning the sale of human sperm,
according to health minister David Dingwall.

+++A Brazilian fisherman chocked to death while fishing in a river. A
six-inch-long fish jumped out of the water and into Nathon do
Nascimento's mouth while he was yawning.

+++Trying to remove a callus, Bonnie Booth of Indiana fired a
.410-gauge shotgun at her foot. (OUCH!)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 17:49:08 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma!!! <language, extremely offensive>

Honestly, if I were yo momma, I would not read on.......

 > SO DARK,

 Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
 Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
 Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls
 to keep from eating her fingers.
 Yo momma so dark they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the
 darkest heart of Africa"

 > SO SHORT,

 Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
 Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
 Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
 Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed.
 Yo momma so short she models for trophys.
 Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick
 Yo momma so short she has to look down to look up

 > SO NASTY,

 Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
 Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
 Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
 Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
 Yo momma so nasty she made Sure confused.
 Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
 Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea
 Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease
      and Yo momma

 > SO HAIRY,

 Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
 Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
 Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
 Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Jan 1997 01:03:01 +0200
From:    Adrian Stere <sandman@ZIUA.KAPPA.RO>
Subject: Girlfriend 1.0 (off. to women)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
forwarded from some place on the NET
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girlfriend Version 1.0

 Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus
1.0  (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0
to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and
Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did
not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.

 Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

  - A "Don't remind me again" button

  - Minimize button

  - Shutdown feature

  - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely
 uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

 I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed,
but  they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted.  Then I tried
to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.  I
tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system
directory.  Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've
used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware
with gold plated contacts.

 *****  BUG WARNING  ********

 Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.

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Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 18:48:31 -0500
From:    Ben Levitan <BenLev@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: No Subject

Extraction <offensive to gay lifestylers>

A gay gentleman rushes into the emergency room.  He is screaming and after an
examination the doctors determine the problem.  He has a vibrator stuck
inside him.

Mr. Jones, says the doctor, I have good news and bad news.  We are going to
be able to remove the item however...

NO, NO screams the man.  I don't want it removed, I just want to know how to
change the batteries.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 19:36:20 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: puns (no offense)

1.  A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

2.  A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit,
and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract.  Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it
on the bar.  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of
the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

3.  A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a
tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp.

4.  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

5.  A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams.  First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam;
then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's
wrong with me?" The doctor replies:  "It's very simple.  You're two
tents."

6.  A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth.  The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put
in for you six months ago is eroding.  What have you been eating?" The
man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife
made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce.  I loved it so much I now put it on
everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says
the dentist, "that's probably the problem.  Hollandaise sauce is made
with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive.  It's eaten away
your upper plate.  I'll make you a new plate, and this time use
chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.  To which the dentist replies,
"It's simple.  Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise!"

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Date:    Mon, 6 Jan 1997 23:22:02 -0600
From:    Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM>
Subject: Question (clean)

How do you keep a person wondering?

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jan 1997 to 7 Jan 1997
**********************************************
