Chapter 1

	Once upon a time, there was a security guard that worked at a museum.  Well, one day,
a little girl got punched in the stomach by her uncle and she puked on the floor.  Well, at the same time,
a little kid passed out from the sight and hit his head, bleeding all over the floor.  Well, there was only
one janitor and one security guard (it was a pretty crappy museum) and the janitor decided that the blood
could have Gonorrhea in it so he decided he should clean that up first.  Well, the security guard walked by
and the janitor saw him and asked the security guard if he would help clean.  Well, the security guard said
no because he was busy whistling, but then the child-abusing uncle punched him in the throat and he couldn't
whistle any more.  So he decided to help.
	Well, he, being a male and a chauvenist, didn't know much about cleaning up puke and he said,
"what do I look like, a woman??", so the janitor told him he would just need to collect some data about it
and the janitor would clean it up later.  So the security guard walked over to the puke and looked at it,
digusted.
	The janitor then gave him an order, "About how much of it is there?" 
	The security guard was all, "how should I know, I'm a male, and a chauvenist."
	The janitor was all, "just eyeball it."  So the security guard eyeballed it and decided that there
was probably between 1 and 5 gallons.  The janitor then gave him a second order, "I need to know how
warm it is.  If it has been sitting in direct sunlight long enough, it could be over 60 degrees Celcius; this
would cause a chemical reaction with the active ingredient in the cleaning solvent."
	Well, the guard replied, "I don't have a thermometer."
	The janitor said, "that's ok, I do this all the time, just touch it a little and see if it's hot"
Well, the security guard thought this was a little bit odd and more than a little bit gross, but, being a
male and a chauvenist, he didn't have any choice but to trust the janitor.
	"No, it's not that hot," replied the guard, wiping off his hand on the clothes of the passed out
boy with the bloody head.
	"Ok, that's good," said the janitor, "now I need to know the acidity of the stomach acid so I'll know
whether I need to use heavy-duty or regular gloves.  But we don't have a pH meter, so I'll need you to um...
taste it and tell me how sour it is."  Well, the watchguard thought this utterly revolting, but he, not being
a smart man, decided to trust the janitor and taste the vomit.
	"It's pretty sour," said the guard, contorting his face, "I think you'll need the heavy duty gloves."
	Well the janitor said, "Okay then, only one test left."
	"You name it," said the security guard.
	"Okay, smear it all over your entire body.  For...  um...  a really really good reason," said the
Janitor.  Well, at this, the security guard decided to put his foot down.  Right into the pile of puke and he
slipped and died.

Chapter 2

	A great and spacious funeral was held for the security guard.  Great because he was dead and
spacious because nobody was there.  He didn't have any friends.  The only people that attended were the
pastor dude, and the usual crew of gothic deadbeats that congregate at such depressing places.  And
chauvenist Whiffy.  Chauvenist Whiffy is one of the only female chauvenists in the world.  She constantly
punches herself in the face because she is a female.  Well, being that the guard and Whiffy were both
chauvenists, the attraction was both strong and immediate.  Chauvenist Whiffy got down on her knee and
proposed to the coffin.
	"That guys as dead as a doornail." said one of the deadbeats.
	"Well, I'm going to riencarnate him then," said Whiffy determinedly, "by using this spell that
requires the sacrifice of seven (7) virgins."  And several of the deadbeats left because they were virgins.
"Except, I'm going to sacrifice 20 virgins!  Because they're just women so who really cares anyhow?" added
chauvenist Whiffy.
	"Where are you going to find that many virgins??" inquired the pastor, "there aren't even that many
left in the world."  But chauvenist Whiffy was determined.  Later returned chauvenist Whiffy, arms full of
virgins.  And, exasperatedly because they were not small virgins, threw them into the fire (the one that one
of the deadbeats had made in a steel barrel to warm his hands) and then she said the magic words:
"Cacacacacacacageflbrlet WI-I-I-IIIII"  and the security guard rose from the coffin!!!1!!!!!11  Well, the
pastor was still there because he was one of the deadbeats, so he married them then.
	"Now get in the kitchen where you belong," said the guard, "go clean the dishes."  And Whiffy left.
"You too," he said pointing at the pastor.
	"What do I look like, a woman?" yelled the pastor.  And he got in his '02 Ford Hearse and sped
away to the trailer park where he oftentimes begged for food from the hics.  Well, the security guard left
for home then, plotting revenge against the janitor and the girl that threw up and the boy that had passed
out on the museum floor.  Then, suddenly, he was attacked by ninjas!!1  They beat the crap out of him and
put him in a cardboard box and whisked him away to their secret headquarters to meet their Sensei...

	Meanwhile, at home, Whiffy walked into the small apartment room and looked around.  There
was clothes and crap thrown all over the place and every dish in the house was dirty.  She got to work.
Cleaning up the crap first.

	Meanwhile, at the secret headquarters, the security guard was just coming to his senses...
"Why am I back at the museum?" he asked, standing up.
	"Because I had my ninjas bring you here," said the janitor, emerging from the shadows.
	"What do you want from me??" asked the guard, frantically.
	"I want your brains," replied Sensei Janitor.
	"My brains!" exclaimed the guard "What do you want with my brains!?".
	"Cerebral fluid is the active ingredient in this simply splendid all-purpose cleaner," replied the
janitor "you remember that boy that passed out on the floor awhile back?"
	"Yes," replied the guard, "he's still there."
	The janitor then said "Well, he didn't pass out from seeing the girl puke...  I shoved him!
Blahahahaha!!!"
	The guard said, "You're a maniac!"

	Meanwhile, back at the house, chauvenist Whiffy is washing dishes.

	Meanwhile, back at the museum...  "Get down from there!!1!!" shouted the janitor, looking up
at the security guard, who was standing on a beam high above the janitor's head.
	"No!" shouted the guard angrily as he hurled the seventeen ninjastars straight at the janitor's head.
	The janitor dodged them all, matrix-style, and was like, "You'll have to do better than that!" and
he pulled out a shotgun...

	Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Misses Pellerweily is disciplining little Ethan for not washing his
hands before supper.  "Don't you ever do that again!" she yells, but Ethan's friend has a slingshot aimed at
the back of poor Misses Pellerweily's head.  He pulls...  releases!!

	Meanwhile, back at the museum...  "I guess you'll think twice about messing with me again!" yelled
the guard, brandishing the shotgun at the janitor.  The janitor crawls past the bodies of all 17 of his dead
ninjas' bodies and cowers in a corner...

	Meanwhile, back at the house, Chauvenist Whiffy is relaxing on the couch, enjoying an Espresso.
Then, she realizes this and punches herself in the face and gets back to work.

	Meanwhile, back at the museum...  "Yes, well, we'll see who gets the last laugh!" yells the janitor
as he jumps out the window, leaving the guard struggling against the ropes that bind him to the pillar,
watching the LCD screen on the time bomb.  5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

	Meanwhile, at the trailer park...  "Please, give me some food," pleads the pastor.
	"Boah, I till yoo wat!!1!!" yells the drunken hic...

	Meanwhile, back at the museum...  The security guard gazes across the burning ruins of the
museum, wondering where his once simple life went so horribly wrong...


To be continued...