I was 15 and my boyfriend was 20. We told my parents that he was 17 so that they wouldn't freak out and break us up. He wanted an adult relationship and I agreed to it.
After a few months of this my period stopped and we went to a crisis pregnancy center for a free pregnancy test. They assured me that everything would be ok and if it was positive they would help me. I was scared, petrified that it would be positive, but the test came out negative. My period still never came and eventually my mother noticed from the laundry that it wasn't happening. So she brought home a test from the drug store and had me take it, this time it was positive.
I must have been in denial or something because I pointed out that these things are never 100% accurate 100% of the time. Mom agreed and took me to the hospital where she worked and had one of her doctor friends write me a serum pregancy test order. A few hours later our family doctor called and told my mom that I was pregnant.
My dad was then told and I will never forget the way he just got up out of his chair and walked to the kitchen window without even a word to me. I saw his shoulders move up and down as he cried, not even looking at me.
The next day I told my boyfriend about the baby, he was excited about becoming a father and asked me to marry him. I said yes, but later when I told my parents the 'good news' they said no. Dad told me that if I was just a few years older he would sign the parental consent papers for marriage, but a 15 year old had no business being married and that I was so young it wouldn't work out anyways. I was also told that they did not want to be stuck raising my children and if I kept the baby I would not be living at home. Since I could not marry the father I had to decide what I was going to do. Dad told me that I was never to see my boyfriend again but we still chatted over the phone.
I wanted to learn more about my options so I asked and made the mistake of asking about abortion first. The next thing I knew my parents were on the phone to a clinic making an appointment and asking for time off of work so that they could take me down. I still was not given any information on what it was exactly, what was involved, or how it was done. I wasn't even sure I wanted to do this, but the appointment was already made, I was expected to, and I was told that if I didn't, I wouldn't be living at home. I didn't know about the unwed mother's home or assistance. I had no money and no place to go.
My parents took me out of state to have it done, we went to Buffalo the night before and stayed in a motel close to the clinic.
The next day arrived slowly and we got up early to go out to breakfast together. I was told by the clinic I could have a light breakfast but not to overdo it. Well I had pancakes although didnt eat much. As we were walking up the sidewalk some prolife men were standing there with signs. One of the men showed me a sign of a unborn baby with his thumb in his mouth. I can still hear those words:
"See? Your baby can already suck his thumb!"
A stab of pain filled my heart but was quickly replaced by anger. Who the hell were these people who thought they could hurt me like this!! Isn't this hard enough?
But I should have listened to them. They were the only ones who wanted to save both me and my baby. My parents only seemed to care about what the neighbors would think instead of the painful turmoil their daughter was going through. And the clinic only wanted my money.
Once inside I told the secratary who I was, gave her the $300 and sat down to wait for the doctor who hadn't even arrived yet. After he finally got there he wrote orders for pregancy and blood type tests. We were then called in one by one and did the tests. A little while later a group of us was called in and we were given the results by a nurse. Then the counselor came in and told us that the fetus was just a clump of cells and not a baby. She said he would feel no pain as the nervous system wasn't there. She explained how the doctor would use various sized rods one at a time to open the cervix, then he would insert a razor sharp, plastic, hollow tip into the uterus and turn the machine on. The cells would then be sucked into the machine. I later learned that it was sharp so that it could tear the baby apart while it sucked it in.
We were all given a robe and led to a different waiting room and called one by one into the procedure room.
When it was my turn the nurse helped me onto the table and into the stir-ups while the counselor held my hand. If it weren't for the counselor i think I would have had a breakdown. I'm glad someone was there to hold me. I asked for my mother who was in the waiting room but they wouldn't let her in. "This is an operation" they said.
Things started happening like I was told they would and I was given a shot to reduce the pain. But the pain was still intense and very horrible. It felt like my insides were slowly being sucked into the machine. When I started crying the counselor squeezed my hand and told me everything would be ok and it was almost over.
Finally it was over. The doctor turned the machine off and left the room. He was a very cold man with no feelings it seemed. The nurse brought in a wheelchair and she and the counselor helped me into it. I was wheeled into the recovery room and helped into a bed. My blood pressure and temperture was taken every then and every 15 minutes while I was told to lay back and relax for a half an hour. At the end of the 30 minutes my stats were taken again and I was told I could go.
On the drive home I just laid in the backseat and cried. It felt like I left a part of my soul back at the clinic and I felt empty inside. I know it is probably silly but I have never been able to bring myself to go back to Buffalo. Even just seeing the sign on the way to my parents house sends a shiver up my spine.
The next day I called my Ex boyfriend and told him I miscarried. I listened while he cried on the phone. He really wanted that baby and I hurt him. I'm somewhat relieved that I didn't tell him the truth. While I think its wrong to lie, I think I should at least spare him that much. Ignorant bliss is sometimes better. The deed was done and hurting him further would serve no good purpose, only put another person through this.
Afterwards I became very pro-choice and became violently angry at anyone who expressed a pro-life opinion. I became severely depressed and tried to commit suicide 3 times and ended up in the psycho ward of the hospital a few times. I became a total slut and started eating so much that I became very overwieght.
I disobeyed my parents often and did things on purpose to antagonize my father.
I started having nightmares about a baby crying, me trying to get to her but not being able to find her. Now I have 2 girls and I have nightmares of them being torn apart by a suction abortion machine. I hear them screaming and I try to run to them to save them, but I never get there in time before they are gone. This gets worse in November, the month that I had the abortion in.
The bouts of depression, irritability, guilt and sadness and self hatred are still here as well as the nightmares. I think my husband is about ready to supply a few months worth of midol during this time. :) I don't try to kill myself anymore because I have 2 little babies who need their mother.
I finally realized my mistake and sin when I looked at a fetal devepmental chart while I was pregnant with Bethany. I was horrified at what I had given in to! It was then that I repented, became a Christian and started my search for God. I know God has forgiven me through confession. I could not forgive myself for a long time and the pain is still here. Things have gotten easier after a brief visit with a psychic from the Lilydale NY community. My child came through and expressed nothing but Love and Forgiveness and harped on me for holding on so tightly. That brief contact was what I needed.
Without my God I would not be able to get through this at all. I am not strong enough. I have forgiven my parents, the counselor, and the nurse, even the abortionist, though that one took awhile.
I am still suffering from murdering my own child, it is something that I will never get over. But I am working for the pro life cause, now. If my testimony can save other mothers from going through this then my heartache is almost worth it.
My child was not baptised but I trust in the mercy of God for her and I look forward to the day that I can hold my little one in my arms and tell her how sorry I am and rock her forever. It has helped to give her a name. I think every child deserves a name, her's is Michelle Ann Meucci, after her father.
Jenifer Back To My Main Page
Solace and Love
Come, grieving child,
let me a mother be,
your tears, your agony of soul
are known to me.
Such pain
no heart should have to bear alone,
Come close
and let me make your grief my own.
How well I know
a mother's pain of loss!
I watched my own Son die
upon the Cross.
No hymn sublime,
No earthly work of art
Can tell of empty arms and broken heart.
But, oh, my child,
His dying words ring true:
"Forgive them,
for they know not what they do."
Those outstretched arms
forevermore embrace
repentant souls
that seek His saving grace.
Go then to Jesus
and be reconciled,
Tell Him your grief
for your aborted child.
Open to Him your heart,
you inmost soul,
He yearns for you
and longs to make you whole.
Place in His heart
your guilt, your pain, your fears,
and let His gentle hand
dry all your tears.
Hear His absolving words
and, through His Blood,
find pardon, peace,
and everlasting love.
Forgiven by God,
forgive yourself, then, too,
Your precious child
forgives you and waits for you.
yesm til the day
you see her face to face,
I'll keep your baby safe
in my embrace.
If you have any questions or comments feel free to
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