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____________
| |
| Scene 16 |
|____________|
[inside castle]
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
[outside castle]
GUEST: 'Morning!
SENTRY #1: 'Morning.
SENTRY #2: Oooh.
SENTRY #1: [ptoo]
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha! Hiyya!
SENTRY #2: Hey!
LAUNCELOT: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha! Huy!
GUESTS: Uuh! Aaah!
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya!
Hiyya! Ha!...
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!
LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT: You got my note!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--
HERBERT: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there...
[music]
LAUNCELOT: Well, I--
HERBERT: ...there must be... someone...
FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
HERBERT: I'm your son!
FATHER: No, not you.
LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, Father.
LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER: Did you kill all those guards?
LAUNCELOT: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each!
LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope all ready.
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a
fortune!
LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from
Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
FATHER: Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.
LAUNCELOT: Is it?
HERBERT: Hurry! I'm ready!
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LAUNCELOT: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...
HERBERT: I am ready!
LAUNCELOT: ...um, I mean to be so understanding.
[thonk]
Um,...
[woosh]
HERBERT: Oooh!
LAUNCELOT: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh,
sort of carried away.
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
HERBERT: Oooh!
[splat]
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| Scene 17 |
|____________|
GUESTS: [crying]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked
through and made into one big, uh, living room.
GUEST: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
[exciting music]
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!
FATHER: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Please!
LAUNCELOT: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away.
I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
GUEST #1: He's killed the best man!
GUESTS: [yelling]
FATHER: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from
the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special
guest here today.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
GUEST: He killed my auntie!
GUESTS: [yelling]
FATHER: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's
not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness
the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
GUESTS: Oh! Oh, no!
FATHER: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
a daughter!
[clap clap clap]
For, since the tragic death of her father--
GUEST #2: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
GUEST #2: He's getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover,
suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
BRIDE'S FATHER: Uugh!
GUEST #2: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a
very real and legally binding sense.
[clap clap clap]
And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and
the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot--
LAUNCELOT: What?
GUEST #2: Look! The dead Prince!
GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead.
HERBERT: No, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you.
[music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
FATHER: Shut uuup!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
FATHER: Shut up!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
FATHER: Shut up!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
FATHER: Not like that!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to
tell! He's going to tell!...
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
CONCORDE: Come this way!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
LAUNCELOT: No! It's not right for my idiom!
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...
LAUNCELOT: I must escape more... [sigh]
GUESTS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,...
CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Dramatically!
GUESTS: [singing] But he's here with us today...
LAUNCELOT: Heee! Hoa!
[crash]
Hoo!
GUESTS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!
LAUNCELOT: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?
____________
| |
| Scene 18 |
|____________|
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
[rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!]
ARTHUR: Old crone!
[rewr!]
[music stops]
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
[dramatic chord]
OLD CRONE: Who sent you?
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I
will say... we will say... 'ni'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR: Ni!
CRONE: [cough]
BEDEVERE: Nu!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no, i--
BEDEVERE: Nu!
ARTHUR: No, it's not that. It's 'ni'.
BEDEVERE: Nu!
ARTHUR: No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.
BEDEVERE: Ni!
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni!
ARTHUR: That's it. That's it. You've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni!
CRONE: Ohh!
BEDEVERE: Ni!
ARTHUR: Ni!
CRONE: Agh!
BEDEVERE: Ni!
ARTHUR: Ni!
BEDEVERE: Ni!
ARTHUR: Ni!
BEDEVERE: Ni!
ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Erm,... yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at
will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is
sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger
the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEVERE: Ni!
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
____________
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| Scene 19 |
|____________|
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,...
but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-
pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said
'ni'?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it
here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-
level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni!
Ni! Shh! Shh!...
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights
of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again!
ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying
'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
HEAD KNIGHT: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it!
[clop clop clop]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!...
_______________________
| |
| Narrative Interlude |
|_______________________|
NARRATOR: And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their
search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene
twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Launcelot and Galahad, and
there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay!
[woosh]
NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
minstrels.
MINSTREL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: Yay!
NARRATOR: A year passed.
CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]
NARRATOR: Winter changed into Spring.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.
NARRATOR: Spring changed into Summer.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.
NARRATOR: Summer changed back into Winter,...
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?
NARRATOR: ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on
into Autumn.
CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah.
[snap]
Oh! Waa!
NARRATOR: Until one day...
____________
| |
| Scene 20 |
|____________|
[King Arthur music]
[clop clop clop]
[music stops]
[boom]
KNIGHTS: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom boom]
[squeak]
[boom boom boom boom]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or
tinder?
TIM THE ENCHANTER: I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
TIM: There are some who call me... 'Tim'?
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR: You know my name?
TIM: I do.
[zoosh]
You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM: Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[clap clap clap]
ROBIN: Oh.
ARTHUR: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to
find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
ARTHUR: And so, we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
BEDEVERE: Yes, we are.
GALAHAD: Yeah.
ROBIN: We are. We are.
BEDEVERE: We have been for some time.
ROBIN: Ages.
BEDEVERE: Umhm.
ARTHUR: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help...
would be... very... helpful.
GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us where--
[boom]
ARTHUR: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I
don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a,
uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
TIM: A what...?
ARTHUR: A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g--
TIM: A grail?!
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
ROBIN: Y-- y-- yes.
ARTHUR: Yes.
GALAHAD: Yup.
KNIGHTS: That's it...
TIM: Yes!
ROBIN: Oh.
ARTHUR: Oh. Thank you.
ROBIN: Ahh.
GALAHAD: Oh. Fine.
ARTHUR: Thank you.
ROBIN: Splendid.
KNIGHTS: Aah...
[boom pweeng boom boom]
ARTHUR: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. Oh...
TIM: To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein,
carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of
Olfin Bedwere of Rheged...
[boom]
...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance
to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet
has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about
its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your
strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big,
pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
____________
| |
| Scene 21 |
|____________|
[clop clop clop]
[whinny whinny]
GALAHAD: They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
TIM: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
GALAHAD: What with?
ARTHUR: W-- just keep me covered.
TIM: Too late!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: What?
TIM: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit.
ARTHUR: You silly sod!
TIM: What?
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
ARTHUR: Ohh.
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes
on!
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
GALAHAD: Get stuffed!
TIM: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy Scots git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
TIM: Look!
[squeak]
BORS: Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
[clunk]
ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
TIM: I warned you!
ROBIN: I done it again!
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all,
didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well,
it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: Do they listen to me?
ARTHUR: Right!
TIM: Oh, no...
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[squeak squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...
TIM: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
LAUNCELOT: Gawain.
GALAHAD: Ector.
ARTHUR: And Bors. That's five.
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault.
That rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.
GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a
mistake.
ARTHUR: Like what?
GALAHAD: Well... ooh.
LAUNCELOT: Have we got bows?
ARTHUR: No.
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the
sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring
up the Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine,
dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine,
dona eis requiem.
ARTHUR: How does it, um-- how does it work?
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow
Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and
the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies
and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three
shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the
number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My
sight, shall snuff it.'
MAYNARD: Amen.
KNIGHTS: Amen.
ARTHUR: Right! One!... Two!... Five!
GALAHAD: Three, sir!
ARTHUR: Three!
[angels sing]
[boom]
____________
| |
| Scene 22 |
|____________|
ARTHUR: There! Look!
LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
GALAHAD: What language is that?
ARTHUR: Brother Maynard! You are a scholar.
MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
LAUNCELOT: 'Course!
ARTHUR: What does it say?
MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea.
He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the
Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
ARTHUR: What?
MAYNARD: '...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
BEDEVERE: What is that?
MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.
ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'.
He'd just say it!
MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
MAYNARD: No. Just 'aaaaaagggh'.
LAUNCELOT: Aaaauugggh.
ARTHUR: Aaaaaggh.
BEDEVERE: Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?
GALAHAD: Where's that?
BEDEVERE: France, I think.
LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?
ARTHUR: No, that's 'Saint Ives'.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.
KNIGHTS: Iiiiives.
BEDEVERE: Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT: No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.
BEDEVERE: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!
BEDEVERE: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
ARTHUR: Oooh!
GALAHAD: My God!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]
MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!
[Black Beast of Aaauugh eats BROTHER MAYNARD]
BEDEVERE: That's it! That's it!
ARTHUR: Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]
Keep running!
[boom]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
BEDEVERE: We've lost him.
[roar]
KNIGHTS: Aagh!
NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur
and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a
fatal heart attack.
ANIMATOR: Ulk!
[thump]
NARRATOR: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail could
continue.
____________
| |
| Scene 23 |
|____________|
[gurgle]
GALAHAD: There it is!
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN: Oh, great.
ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
BEDEVERE: What is he doing here?
ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller
five questions--
GALAHAD: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
GALAHAD: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.
GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: Yes?
ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I
shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five
questions--
GALAHAD: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.
LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That's easy!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, ere the other side he see.
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name?
ROBIN: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What... is your name?
GALAHAD: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour?
GALAHAD: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
ARTHUR: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]
____________
| |
| Scene 24 |
|____________|
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEVERE: Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR: Launcelot!
[police radio]
Launcelot!
BEDEVERE: Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels sing]
[singing stops]
[ethereal music]
ARTHUR: The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised!
Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most
holy--
[twong]
[baaaa]
Jesus Christ!
[thud]
FRENCH GUARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who
has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a
second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you,
in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred
castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in
your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-
clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing
behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of
second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at
you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained
wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]
ARTHUR: Agh. Right! That settles it!
FRENCH GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any
more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out
of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
FRENCH GUARD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And,
if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing
yet, dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
[exciting music]
[music stops]
[silence]
French persons!
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...
ARTHUR: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the
name of God,...
FRENCH GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR: ...we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and
the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
FRENCH GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...
ARTHUR: Charge!
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!
[police siren]
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.
INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.
OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one.
OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van.
OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.
BEDEVERE: With whom?
INSPECTOR: Which one?
OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.
INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.
OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.
OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.
RANDOM: Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM: Ooh.
OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!
OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
INSPECTOR: Everything?
[squeak]
OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
CAMERAMAN: Christ!
___________
| |
| THE END |
|___________|
Scenes 1-9
Scenes 10-15
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