"I'm so drunk I would make out with a fucking tree right now."
-Mary
"Jose Cuervo is the only Mexican man who doesn't love me."
-Me
"She was slut-tacular."
-Claire
"I need to get some more drunk."
-Me
"We love buckets and testicles."
-Megan
"Adam, honey, this looks like a clitoris." (about a slice of lime)
-Claire
"The captain and I are having an intimate relationship right now."
-Me
"Oh, Yuengling bottle, you're all I have..."
-Mary
"BI-PENAL!!!!"
-Me and Adam in unison
"I couldn't stand him for five minutes, how could you fuck him?"
-Claire
"God! I always get pretzels in my boobs!"
-Me
"Again, I masturbate alllllll the time."
-Adam
"You can totally see his penis muscle!"
-Adam
"Gay...Jewish...so easy to confuse! One likes men, the other thinks that Jesus... um...oh, nevermind."
-Mary
"You have that fluffy Jesus look."
-Claire (to Adam)
"Sit on it and twist, bitch."
-Claire
"Fuck you, flip-flops! You screwed me over!"
-Mary
"Dammit! Why do all my pants get wet??"
-Mary
"There's not enough gay in here."
-Adam
Mary: My Catholic upbringing would damn me to hell. I just said I would
fuck Jesus!
Me: I would soooo blow Jesus. Jesus is da bomb.
Mary: If I wore a T-shirt that said "I fuck Jesus," my family would crucify
me AND light me on fire.
Adam: She totally thinks she's a sex muffin.
Erinn: As opposed to a sex danish...
Adam: Shut up, Erinn.
Adam: Do you all wanna come cluster? (around the A&F Quaterly)
Erinn: (horrified) Do we want a cum cluster?? That sounds like something
dipped in chocolate that you get in an assortment!
Me: Anything about camel toe is funny.
Mary: Yeah, it brings attention back where it should be - your cooter.
All of us: (standing outside, being really loud, really drunk, and smoking)
Mary: This is my best pickup line: I JUST FARTED!!
Me: Hey, that girl over there is on my Relay for Life team... and we're
all smoking... Hey, Mary, light your fart with my CIGARETTE!
(laughter ensues.)
Mary: Enough laughing, more CANCER!
Adam: (throws a copy of the movie The Vagina Monologues at me)
Me: Adam! Don't throw your vagina at my boobs!
Claire: My boobs are pierced, so keep your vagina away from them.
Mary: (picking up tape and pressing it to her cheek) Mmmm... vagina is so cool
on my face.
Megan: (smacks head loudly against bedframe in my room) Owww...
Me: Oh, honey, be careful! This is metal.
Megan: I know that NOW!
Megan: (smacks head loudly against bedframe in ADAM's room) Owww...
Erinn: Why is she always doing that??
Megan: It only happens in Delaware, ok?
Mary: In about 5 minutes I'm going to be Nicotine Mary.
Adam: Is that like Typhoid Mary?
Mary: Oh, fuck you hard.
Adam: I'm going to blow my chunks.
Me: (suggestively) I'll blow your chunks...
Mary: Anyone want to join me outside for a smoke?
Claire: I'll walk outside with you, but I'm not going to smoke.
Mary: Good for you. Have principles. I don't.
Me: (shuffling cards)
Mary: You could have a nice career as a Vegas dealer!
Me: (not really paying attention) I have nice curves... what?
Claire: (shows everyone her nipple piercings)
Me: Oh my god. I just saw Claire's boobies!
Adam: Yes. Yes you did. Rub me, Claire.
Claire: (giving Adam a backrub)
Adam: Uhhhhhh... Claire, you're doing me sooooo good.
Megan: I cannot believe you just showed us your boobs.
Claire: It's different. They're pierced.
Megan: Just because they're pierced doesn't mean they're not your BOOBS.
Adam: (still getting back rub) Uhhhhhh.
Mary: Okay, no more boob talk. Adam's doing the gutteral sounds.
Me: Well, Claire gives good backrubs. It's a good thing she's here,
because I did Adam yesterday, and I don't have the energy to do
him again right now.
Adam: Uhhhhhh. (begins to slide down into Claire's lap)
Me: His face is totally in your pussy!
Adam: Yeah. I get a lot more bi when I'm drunk.
Me: Some boys are stupid. Dan is very, very stupid.
Erinn: Some people are very small and merciless. Rachael is fangoriously
eating Dan's eyeballs.
Me: We made a plan... gasp!
Erinn: I think I feel the world flipping inside out. It tickles.
"Yeah, there's not a lot I won't do for companionship."
-Rachael
James: So, what's Blue Velvet like?
Adam: Well... it's pretty cracked.
James: Cracked like you were expecting cum but it came out blood instead?
Cracked like that?
"You are like, the best receiver!"
-James, throwing goldfish into my mouth
"I mean, I guess I could try to just be friends with him. It's just that I want to lick him."
-Adam
"Cremation is kind of horrifying, actually. It's like, 'here's whats left of your loved one after we set him on fire.' But... I guess it's a good thing as long as you don't think about it too much. Like hot dogs."
-Me
"Priesting sucks."
-Megan
"I'm not saying I wouldn't have sex with him if the opportunity arose. I'm just saying he's not really my TYPE. But that doesn't mean much. ...wait. Can we forget I just said that?."
-Adam
"My queefs sound like 'La Cucaracha.'"
-Brian
"Guys - I feel we have plumbed the depths of sacrilege."
-Megan
"Optimism just pours out of my every...freakin'...orifice."
-Pat
Me: (to Adam) How funny would it be if we ended up marrying twin brothers?
Everyone: (pausing and chuckling)
Rachael: Yeah! And then your kids would look exactly alike!!
Everyone: (longer pause. then laughter.)
"Teeth. They belong in your mouth."
-Emily
"I was watching it with one ear."
-Billy, describing the movie on the airplane
"THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!!"
-Pat
"...then my dad comes downstairs. Bob. Bob Skopak. That's my dad."
-Becky
"It chimes when it's... you know... when it's o'clock."
-Emily, about her watch
"Oh, and one last piece of advice. If someone picks a fight with you.....run like feck."
-Arron
BethAnne: So. Laura... would you... on the top bunk... with Paul, Ben,
Jessie, me... and a sheep?
Laura: Yes!!
BethAnne: (to Paul, Laura, and me) "Wait, you guys are having a threesome
without me???"
Me: Well.... BethAnne... it wouldn't be a threesome anymore if we let
you in. It would be a foursome.
Paul: I am TOTALLY okay with that.
"If I were a superhero, I'd be the MEXICAN MAGNET, stopping Mexicans around the world from committing crimes with my superhuman ability to make them leer at me."
-Erinn and I, describing me
"I don't think he's very cute. Or smart. But it would be a shame to let that stop me from making out with him."
-Adam
"Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat..."
-I don't remember who said this first,
but some friends and I were saying it for awhile
"Those pants are bangin'...No, wait. They're spank."
-See previous quote
"Cows can swim. Like, if you put them in a bucket or something."
-Tommy
"Adam has chicken fagitis."
-Me
"But seriously, guys. Everybody's given a blow job or two that they're embarrassed about. No one's going to judge you, and you're not going to hell."
-Dana Voso
"I have man-boobs and stick-arms!!"
-Me
"Where's the... the... oh. There's the toaster."
"What the fuck is on the ceiling?"
"Hey, I finally found the sponge...it was under the sofa."
"Who made pasta? ...and when?"
"What am I standing in and why is it sticky?"
"I can't get this cookie to come off the counter."
"Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, my piss goes in two different directions. Do girls do that too?"
-Kenny
"I got fired from my last job for spitting on people's food."
-Kenny
"He burnt my balls off!"
-Nick
"Give that guy a free drink. We pulled his food out of the trash."
-Matt R.
"How do you spell restaurant? No, wait, don't tell me, I'll figure it out. R-E-A-S-T-U-R-O-N-T. Yeah, that's right."
-Matt M.
"Oh look, the antichrist is here... I mean, my wife."
-Matt M.
"Do I have to fill this perforated pan with water?" (Yeah. Just think about that one for a second and let it sink in.)
-John B.
"Don�t knock casual sex with friends until you�ve tried it... wanna try it?"
-John C.
(Holding up a condom) "I always come to work prepared... and school, for that matter. I mean, there�s always bathroom breaks."
-John C.
"No, seriously. If you and Shawn ever want a threesome, you know who to call."
-John C.
"Yeah, I have back problems too. Not from gymnastics though. From LSD."
-Shawn
"I really don�t smoke that much weed. No more than one joint every 24 hours, max."
-Shawn
"I haven�t slept in 48 hours, and I think I�m starting to hallucinate... Woah! My pen just multiplied!"
-Shawn
"Seriously, communism would work really well if no one was greedy."
-Shawn
Me: There�s nothing to do.
Shawn: You mean besides me, right?
Me: That�s not even legal. You�re 21.
Shawn: How old are you?
Me: 17.
Shawn: Nope, we�re legal. Trust me, I had to check once.
Me: Oh, that makes me want you. Not creepy at alllll.
"It's not that I don't like him... It's just that he lacks any and all human warmth."
-My mom
"You kicked me in the uterus!"
-Megan
"Some people are whores.........and some are not."
-Sarah V.
"Hey, guys, I have a question. Are people born with bangs...or do they get them later?"
-Megan, in COMPLETE sincerity
"Tito puede morir y quemar en un fuego grandisimo. Esto parece comico cuando lo digo en espanol... Quemar!!! Quemar!!! Fuego!!! Fuego!!!"
-Jim (over IM)
"I have $36 in my wallet, it's yours if you drive to my house and eat a tomato."
-DJ (over IM)
"I WILL wear a thong, but I will NOT shake my ass."
-Katie, a little too loudly and in public
"Results count, not excuses."
-Mr. McAvoy's dad
"Do everything you can today because tomorrow it may be illegal."
-Rachel
"Too often we love things and use people, when we should be using things and loving people."
-Martine Russo