I have a friend whom I value highly and love dearly, who comes to South Carolina every few years to do longitudinal research on the course of schizophrenia.  He is both brilliant and deeply kind, very empathetic with everyone.  Wisdom suggests that when you see someone who "has what you want", there is your teacher.  I try to learn all that I can from him during each visit.

When he came to Columbia in the fall of 1999, he gave me some advice at a significant point in our conversation.  He told me that I needed to "be real."  The only problem is that I couldn't quite grasp what he meant by this; therefore I can't apply it and benefit.  Nevertheless, I trust his authority and want to understand what he's telling me to do.  So --

I wrote to him and asked about it:  " 'Be real' seems like such exquisitely/profoundly simple, sound advice --but for two days I have been struggling with that advice. What is the world IS "real"?!  I can choke on just figuring out what is real, much less BEing it. My belief system guides me to idealism over realism. "Fake it till you make it" is a powerful recovery saying advocated in 12 Step Groups; I would be loathe to give that up and settle for the "what is", which may not be where patients I'm trying to help need to be. If by "Be real" you mean "Be honest," I can buy that. If you mean "Don't paint life as one-dimensional when it is complex and has both good and bad, sweet and bitter," I believe that wholeheartedly and of course intend to reflect that reality to patients. But if you mean "Settle for what you are in the here and now", I can't believe I heard that from you: surely you don't mean that. I wish we could have talked a bit more so I could have better understood what you meant."

He responded:  "I wish I knew exactly what I meant by "being real". No, I certainly didn't mean "settle for what you've got", never a concept I have liked. I am trying to figure out both what "being" and "real" mean and your bringing up "Fake it till you make it" made that even more complicated. Maybe I was wrong, but what I was trying to say was something like, "Find yourself, who you really are, be true to that, and help it evolve". There are of course a lot of philosophical problems with that statement, but I think it actually does have meaning and is crucial. The "fake it" thing also makes sense, I have to think about that."

I wrote this back to him:  "You say that you are going to contemplate the meaning of "be" and the meaning of "real" (--but isn't the whole greater than the sum of its parts?).  Maybe I can offer a bit of help with that, because I understand "be" despite having trouble with "real".

"Be = state of being. The only other "voice" that's an option is "do", which is action.  It boils down to just those two.  "Be" is greater than "do" because "do" emanates from "be".  Christianity addresses this directly.  Christ visited two close friends, Mary and Martha.  Martha got all busy when he arrived, cooking a big meal for company.  Mary sat with him talking.  Martha finally asked Jesus to send Mary to help her with all the work/preparations.  Jesus would not, because he valued how Mary was hostessing him more.  Jesus allowed that both "do" (Martha's approach) and "be" (Mary's approach) are important, but he emphasized Mary's approach, "be", is more important.  What I understand from this teaching story is that who you are inside is more important to God than the works you produce."

"What I understand about "real" is that it is not constant and can be seen from many perspectives.  Look no further than my own perception of me to confirm lack of constants: aging, roles, shape of body, appearance of face-- nothing to rely on over time. The best definition I've ever met of "real" is ten blind men describing the elephant.  (One said, holding the tail, " An elephant is very like a snake."  The next, touching the leg, said, "Actually it's more like a tree trunk."  A third blind man, holding the ear, said, "You're both wrong.  An elephant is like a fan."  Etc.).  "Real" must be outside of time, outside of history; it can only be Eternal.  Maybe seeking to "be real" ends up being another path to God."