Leona stepped back and looked at the sign carefully.
What kind of people don't allow dogs in a park, she thought. She hated that place already.
She pulled firmly at her black Labrador's leash just as he was turning to sniff the rear of a beautiful female Golden Retriever that was coming out of the park. It was the first dog Leona had seen since she moved there. She ran her eyes along the leash, secretly hoping, but it was a young woman; not much older than she was, as a matter of fact. The woman was tall and athletic, and her face was the strange combination of old eyes and a girlish expression.
"Is she yours?" Leona asked, and immediately felt stupid for asking such an obvious question.
"No. I'm the dog-sitter," the young woman answered, and at first Leona was sure that the woman was joking with her, but the unchanged expression on the woman's face made Leona realize that she was not.
"Really?" Leona asked, surprised.
"Yeah," the woman smiled, "It's just one of the million different gigs I do to put me through college."
"College?" Leona tried to restrain the expression of her astonishment, for the young woman could
not have been younger than twenty six or twenty seven.
"I know, I'm old," the woman's smile broadened. "But I had other things I had to do first."
"I see," Leona said, although she couldn't imagine what kind of things the woman could be referring to.
Leona's other dog, a light colored female Labrador, was becoming increasingly restless. She kept trying to drag her away, but Leona did not heed to her.
"So what other gigs do you do?" she continued to ask, "I mean, to get you through college?"
"Whatever I can," came the answer. "Baby-sitting, tutoring, carpentry."
"Carpentry?" again Leona sounded surprised, and it made her feel silly and small.
"You think it's a man's job," the woman determined.
"No, no," Leona quickly protested, attempting to correct the impression she had made. It was important to her, for some reason, that this stranger would know that she did not believe in gender roles, especially since it was, after all, a big part of why she had moved there in the first place.
"Well, I did," the young woman admitted. "But I figured it was something I liked doing, and was good at, so what the heck."
Only then Leona realized that she hadn't yet asked the stranger for her name. Timidly, she whispered her question.
"Ray," the woman answered.
"As in ray of light?" Leona asked, trying to get the correct spelling of the name.
"More like as in X-ray," the woman laughed. She had such a pleasant laugh. Leona found herself smiling involuntarily. "My dad is an X-ray technician, and I guess he just loves his job," she explained in a cheery voice, and Leona couldn't help thinking that it was a very unusual way of naming a baby.
"So I suppose they're yours," Ray said, after a short silence in which she had looked very much preoccupied.
"Hmm?" Leona muttered, then realized what Ray was asking and answered, "You mean the dogs. Sure. They're mine. I've had them for almost 8 years."
"What are they called?" Ray sounded sincerely interested, and Leona was a little shaken by her own feeling of joy over it.
"Hillary and Bill," she answered.
"You didn't," Ray laughed openly. "Please tell me you didn't. Honestly, they don't even look like them."
"What did you expect?" Leona laughed too, and the sound of her own laughter sounded foreign to her ears. "They are dogs." There was a short silence and then Leona suddenly added, "Don't get me wrong. I adore Hillary and Bill. I would never name a dog after somebody I didn't like."
Ray laughed again, but surprisingly for Leona, she did not feel at all embarrassed. Something inside of her told her that Ray understood exactly what she meant.
"I gotta hand it to you, you have a wacky sense of humor..." Ray started and then stopped. "What's your name?"
"Mel," Leona blurted, without even knowing why. She always did hate her name, and still, it was the first time she had ever lied about it.
Before Leona had the chance to say anything else, Ray had pulled up her sleeve, peeked at her watch and said, "Well, it was nice meeting you, Mel, but if I don't return Spicy here to her owner in 5 minutes I'll be late for class."
And so, Ray disappeared and Leona turned the other way, in search of a park that would allow dogs.
It was strange, she thought on the way, Hillary and Bill impatiently pulling at their leashes. She had never felt this way towards a stranger before. She could hardly remember when she last laughed so freely, or when she ever enjoyed listening to somebody's voice the way she enjoyed listening to Ray's. The little she knew about Ray completely ignited her imagination. Her mind raced, trying to imagine what kind of experiences Ray had had before going to college; what kind of friends she had; what kind of music she liked listening to.
These feelings worried her at first. She feared that her prolonged loneliness had finally caught up with her, resulting in a readiness to fall in love with anybody who was even remotely nice to her, even if she were a woman. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that wasn't it. She was genuinely intrigued by Ray, and her instincts, which up until then she was sure had become dull due to underuse, were telling her that there was something special about that woman; there was something valuable that she could find in Ray. If only she could talk to her again.
Leona was not sure how she could do that now. She didn't even know Ray's last name. She also feared she wouldn't be able to explain to Ray why she had sought her out so desperately without sounding ridiculous or scaring her off. She had almost accepted that she would just have to forget about it, when a colorful notice, pinned to a tree trunk, caught her attention: "Looking for a dog-sitter? baby-sitter? tutor? carpenter? Search no more. Call Ray."
Normally, Leona would have been disappointed in such lack of originality, but she was too happy about finding a way to contact Ray to think about anything else.
Leona had almost decided to forget about the whole thing, when she found out that she was to go out of town for a couple of days on work related business. The first thing that came to her mind was the need to find someone to take care of the dogs. Before she moved, it had never been a problem. Either Robby was home, or else she asked Holly or one of the neighbors to drop in a couple of times a day. But she knew nobody in this new place - at least, nobody from whom she could ask such a favor.
She grabbed the receiver and started dialing.
"Ray?" she asked in a tentative tone.
"Yes, who is it?" Ray's fresh voice was heard from the other side.
"I don't know if you remember me, but we met outside the park a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one with the dogs named Bill and Hillary," Leona started apologetically.
"Yes, Mel. I remember," Ray answered and Leona was strangely touched by the fact that she had remembered her alias.
"Well, I'm going out of town for a couple of days at the end of the week, and I need somebody to take care of the dogs," Leona felt ridiculous, but she convinced herself that she would have done the same even if the young woman had not touched her soul in such an unreasonable way.
"That's what I'm here for," Ray answered cheerily. She was indeed a ray of light, no matter what she said.
"Could you come over on Tuesday for a briefing? Bill and Hillary require special care."
Ray did not respond.
"I will pay you for it," Leona quickly added, startled by Ray's silence. There was still no response, and Leona was about to give the whole thing up when she heard Ray saying, "What time do you want me to be there?"
"Would seven be convenient?" Leona mumbled.
While Ray was checking her calendar, Leona felt her stomach turning. The last time she had felt that way she was ten years old and wanted so badly to go to the birthday party of Erin Travis, the most popular girl in her class. She was too old for such feelings now. She could neither understand nor control them, and so they both embarrassed and frightened her.
Ray confirmed their appointment and hung up. Leona kept holding the receiver in her hand for quite some time.
If only Robby and the other guys from work could see her now. Leona had always been one of the boys, or at least that was how she liked to think of herself. There were always people at work who were trying to contest that, but she had proven them wrong time and again. Everybody knew her to be professional, tough, uncompromising, even cruel at times. Only with Robby had she allowed herself to be softer, more vulnerable. Much good it did her.
She couldn't believe it when she found out it was Robby she had to compete against to get the promotion. She thought it was rather cruel of Mr. Hopkins to put either of them in that situation. She knew how badly Robby had wanted that job, and he did have it coming to him, but so did she. She had even considered giving it up for Robby's sake, until she found out that all the guys at the office, including Robby, were expecting her to do just that. This infuriated her. More than that, it really hurt her. After all those years of believing that indeed they had looked upon her as their equal, that revelation was painful and disillusioning.
It had taken her a few days, but she quickly came to her senses and prepared for what had been the biggest fight of her professional life until then. And she had won. She couldn't believe it, but it had really happened, and when it did, everything started changing both at work and in her private life; she and Robby split up, the guys no longer acted as if she were one of their own, and only then had she realized that except for Holly (who was, after all, her cousin), she did not have any female friends.
And now she was in a new place and did not have any friends at all, male or female. Leona felt even more pathetic when she realized that the conversation she had had with Ray that day outside the park had been the most heartfelt conversation she had had since she moved, and probably even long before that.
How did everything deteriorate to such extent without her noticing it? It was true, she had never been the friendliest person in the world, but in the last few years she had let that side of herself slip so that she was not sure she knew how to be friendly anymore. Or was it supposed to be just like riding a bike � something you never really forget how to do?
That Tuesday she left work early. She wanted to have enough time to get ready before Ray showed up. The minute she got home and hung up her jacket she began tidying her apartment. It was funny, she couldn't remember when was the last time she had done that. She had never been the tidy kind, and she had always figured that the guys would never notice what the place was like anyway. Besides, since Robby was very neat, he usually took charge of those matters, while she usually went grocery shopping.
While she was showering, the phone rang. She rushed out of the shower, thinking it might be Ray, needing more instructions on how to get to her place. Clumsily she wrapped a towel around her body and hurried to the living room, dripping water all over the freshly cleaned floor. She picked up the receiver. It was her mother.
"Hello, Leona dear," her mother said sweetly.
"Oh, hi, Mom," Leona answered mechanically.
"You haven't called, so I thought I would call you, see if there was anything new."
Leona sighed.
"So?" her mother urged.
"Nothing new. My job's interesting. I work hard. I'm paid well. That's about it."
"I see," her mother's tone dropped.
"What?" Leona uttered irritably.
"Nothing," her mother replied innocently.
"Come on, Mom. You're going to say it sooner or later, so out with it."
"Nothing. I was just wondering..." her mother started, then silenced. Leona had no doubt how that silence must be interpreted. She hated her mother. She hated that fake sweetness in her voice, and the way in which she pretended not to want to say what she was dying to say. Somehow it always managed to hurt her even more.
"What, Mom? What were you wondering?" Leona tried to yank the words out of her mother's mouth.
"I was just wondering if it was worth it."
There. It was out in the open at last. It always came down to that. Was her job worth breaking up with the prospective father of her grandchildren. This was all her mother could ever think about. It had always annoyed Leona but right now she felt she was about to burst. "What do you mean by that?" she blurted angrily.
"Nothing. Forget I even said anything," said the saccharine voice from the other side.
"No. I'm not going to forget about it," Leona shouted, "You always do that, Mom."
"Oh, there, there, Leona. No need to get all fussy," her mother said in the same patronizing voice that had always driven Leona crazy.
"Is there anything else about my life that you want to criticize?" Leona asked furiously. "'Cause I'm in kind of a hurry."
"Where to?" her mother's tone picked up. "A date?"
"No, Mom. No date. No guys. You're not going to see any grandchildren soon. Goodbye," and she hung up the phone just in time to get back into the bathroom when the doorbell rang.
"Just a minute," Leona screamed. She was standing naked, her head over the sink, trying to wash the remains of the hair conditioner from her hair. She lifted her head and stared at the mirror, frantic. For a minute she froze, but quickly she regained control over her limbs and reached for her clothes. She got dressed hastily, paused to examine her reflection in the mirror once again, and rushed to the door.
Ray came in, looking around her. Bill immediately showed up to greet her, putting his front paws on her black velvet pants. Leona quickly commanded him to get down and apologized, but Ray didn't seem to mind. She patted both his and Hillary's heads and smiled at Leona.
Leona smiled coyly in return. "May I offer you something to drink?" she whispered.
"A coke would be nice," Ray answered distractedly, while examining the living room.
Leona entered the kitchen, accompanied by the tail-wagging Hillary, and rushed out with two cans of coke and two paper cups.
"I'm sorry about the paper cups. I just moved here, and haven't had time to go shopping for..."
"It's okay," Ray interrupted her, and Leona thought, My God, I'm beginning to sound like my mother.
"So?" Ray asked. "You wanted to give me special instructions?"
"Yes. Yes," Leona confirmed, finding it hard to look Ray straight in the eye. "Bill is quite a picky eater."
"How ironic," Ray commented and Leona almost choked on her drink when she finally got the joke.
"Yes, I guess it is," she sniggered. "Anyway, you have to mix his food in a certain way. Here, I'll show you."
Leona showed Ray everything she could think of. She truly enjoyed spending time with her, and so when Ray informed her that she had to go, Leona was very disappointed. She wished that Ray could stay longer, but she understood.
The house felt quite empty after Ray had left. Leona turned the TV on and started flipping between channels, but nothing made that feeling of emptiness go away, and she was angry with herself for feeling that way.
Are you out of your mind, Leona? She thought to herself. What's come over you?
She couldn't explain it. There had been a hole in her soul for so long, and the only time she had stopped feeling its presence was when Ray was around. She got so used to living with that gaping hole inside of her that she had almost forgotten how great it was not to feel it. Still, she could not explain what it was about Ray that enabled her to take that feeling away. But did it really matter? What mattered was that at last she had found somebody who could do that, and she felt very lucky for having done so.
She hardly slept at all that night. At three she got up and arranged the various dog foods on the kitchen counter. At four thirty she took out the cash from her wallet and put it on the dining room table. By six she was already dressed. At seven Ray showed up.
"All ready, I see," she observed, looking at Leona's suitcase, which was standing in the middle of the hall.
"Yep," Leona tried to sound cheery. Suddenly she didn't want to leave. She smiled sadly.
"Who's Leona Miller?" Ray asked, eying the nametag that was attached to Leona's suitcase.
"I am," Leona lowered her eyes.
"I thought you said your name was Mel," Ray looked straight at her.
"It's a nickname. I don't like my real name much," Leona confessed.
"I can relate to that," Ray said understandingly, and Leona could hardly stifle her joy. "So, did you say goodbye to the 'kids'?"
As if they knew they were being mentioned, Bill and Hillary appeared in the hall. Leona bent over and kissed each of them on the nose. "You be good, you hear me? Don't give Ray any trouble."
Ray promised that she would know what to do if they did, and walked Leona to the door.
Leona could hardly concentrate on her work the next couple of days. All she could think about was going back home, being with her dogs and talking to Ray again. She called once to make sure that Ray had found the list of emergency phone numbers and the letter for the vet that she had left in the living room. She also wanted Ray to know that she was welcome to use her stereo, TV or anything else while she was at the house. Ray assured her that she had everything she needed, and that there was nothing for her to worry about.
Finally, Friday arrived. Leona was so excited that she almost forgot her suitcase in the hotel. Home. The thought penetrated her mind. She had never considered that place home before.
When she came back, Ray was not at the house. There was a note from her on the kitchen table:
"The 'kids' behaved perfectly. I left the key in your mailbox. Ray."
Leona examined the note, thinking how pretty Ray's handwriting was, wondering when she was going to speak to her again. She reread the short note a few more times before putting it in the drawer of her dresser.
As anxious as she was to speak to Ray again, she was too embarrassed to call her about anything but the dogs, and so she found herself spending more and more money on dog-sitting, even though she didn't really need it.
She hardly even saw Ray when she came to work; their interaction mostly occurred over the phone. Even though they were short and mainly informative, these phone calls meant a lot to Leona, and she anxiously awaited the opportunity to make them.
Then one day she called and called and nobody answered. Leona felt a pang in her heart, but she was determined to keep trying until she was answered. She had tried calling a few more times over the next few days, but still there was no answer. She wondered where Ray could be, and was even somewhat insulted that Ray hadn't told her anything; but then she began thinking that it might have been a spontaneous act, or maybe even an emergency. She was just going to have to be patient and try and call again in a few days.
The next time she called, a man answered the phone. A bit startled at first, Leona asked if she could speak to Ray.
"I don't know any Ray," the man declared.
"But this is the right phone number," Leona insisted. "I'm sure of it."
"I just moved here," the man explained. "But I'm pretty sure there wasn't any Ray living here before. It was some girl's apartment."
"Yes." There was a glimmer of hope. "Tall, blond, pretty."
"Yes," the man cooperated. "But I think her name was Cindy or Sandy or something like that."
"Are you sure?" Leona asked, looking again at the number on her telephone's screen, feeling a weird kind of pain growing in her chest.
"I don't remember. Sorry," answered the man sincerely.
"Did she say where she was going?" Leona's breath was becoming fast and shallow.
"I think she found a job or something. Or maybe she moved in with her boyfriend. Who knows?"
"Did she leave an address or a phone number?" Leona's receiver holding hand began to shake unexpectedly.
"No. I'm really sorry," said the man.
"It's okay. Thanks," Leona muttered and hung up the phone. The pain in her chest grew more serious. Her throat and eyes began to burn. She shook her head violently, fixing her angry stare at the phone. Impulsively, she tore the cable from the wall and threw the machine to the floor. The electronic screen broke loudly. Leona kicked it away.
Then she turned around and staggered towards the sofa, under which her frightened dogs were crouching, and kneeling in front of them, she started to cry.
January 2001
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