Why tamper with perfection? she thought as she went down the stairs, devouring them two by two. Everything in her life was stable. It was just as she had always hoped it would be. She had everything that she had dreamed of as a little girl. And yet, she wasn't satisfied.
She jumped off the last step, then stopped and turned around.
Dreams change, she couldn't help thinking, and she definitely wasn't that same little girl anymore. Suddenly it seemed so pointless to hold on to the dreams she had when she didn't know any better.
But where did it leave her now?
She looked around her. The sun got in her eyes, temporarily blinding her. She shook her head and reached down to her purse, looking for her stylistic sunglasses.
Everything about her was so in place. And her parents were so proud. Her friends admired her. Her sister wouldn't even talk to her because she was so jealous. She was the embodiment of success. And still, deep down, she knew she had never felt so empty, so lonely, so devoid of meaning.
Again she turned around. She had forgotten something. Should she go back? Should she climb up? The steps, not too many, not too high, seemed huge and impassable. She didn't want to go back. In fact, all she wanted was to move on, go, wherever her feet would carry her.
Still, she kept standing on the sidewalk, just outside, paralyzed. People kept passing her by, not even looking. Only one little girl, with blond pigtails, smiled as she passed her by, but the girl's mother held her hand tightly and violently pulled her away from her, from her life, forever. She suddenly felt such deep sadness that she could not explain.
Should she go up? Should she go without? The two possibilities kept nagging at her soul. She was still standing on the sidewalk - thinking, weighing, imagining scenarios in her head.
And so, in the meantime, she just remained. And the days passed, and weeks passed, and seasons passed. The passers-by didn't even notice her. The neighbors, who found her standing there quite disturbing at first, got used to her presence in the middle of the sidewalk, and went around her, not even noticing her unblinking eyes.
Her body got grayer, like the sidewalk on which she was standing. Her hands, carefully tucked inside her pockets, could no longer be moved. Her formerly beautiful, full, shiny blond hair became faded. Birds stopped to rest on her shoulders, but bored flew away to places more vibrant.
She was hardly missed by the ones who had supposedly participated in her life. She didn't miss them either.
From time to time she still thought that maybe she should have just gone up again, but then decided that no, she should have gone without. She didn't even try to move her feet after a while. She liked the way they looked on the pavement - small, shapely, blended.
When they tried to move her, years later, they discovered that she had struck roots in the long, dreary pavement. They had to cut her feet off in order to move her away, but by that time she didn't feel anything.
21/8/00
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