Joseph was not a child anymore, but he did not feel much like an adult either - not with his older brothers constantly teasing him, not with his father ever so often grabbing his tender face between his husky palms and crying.
The only time he felt grown up was when his father sent him to watch his brothers working and report back to him. But this task only enraged his brothers and made them hate him even more. His father could not grasp what it meant for Joseph to be doing it, and it was pointless to try and explain it to him.
As much as Joseph loved his father, his father's behavior often troubled him, and as much as his father loved him, Joseph felt that his father did not understand him at all. If he did understand he would behave differently, Joseph could not help thinking. He would not make things worse between him and his brothers the way he always did.
Joseph had tried to talk to his father about it many times. It was very important to him that his father understand how he felt. Joseph realized that his father was growing old and more dependent. He imagined that the old man was feeling lonely and forlorn. And generally he was quite happy to be his father's pride and joy, but not for the price he had to pay. But after yet another time that his words had seemed to circle the old man's head without finding a way inside, Joseph decided to give up on the notion of his father ever seeing him as anything more than an emblem of his dead mother, and this pained him greatly.
If only there was somebody with whom Joseph could talk about his troubles. The situation with his older brothers was becoming worse by the day. He obviously could not speak to any of them about it. His sisters were not much help either. Joseph liked them, but he did not feel at all connected to them. So he ended up telling all his troubles to his younger brother, who always listened and nodded empathetically, but was probably too young to really understand what Joseph was talking about.
Joseph felt like the loneliest human being in the history of the world.
And yet at the same time, he also felt unique, especially since the dreams started.
The first time he had such a dream, he woke up all sweaty and confused. He shook his head, which he placed between his hands, as if trying to get a piece of silver out of a tight-necked jar. Then he sat up and tried to remember the details of the dream: He was working in the field with his brothers, as always. They were crowded on one side, whispering and laughing. He was working by himself on the sunny, drier side of the field. Suddenly his stack rose by itself and moved to the middle of the field. All the other stacks left his brothers' hands and stood around his stack. And then, to his astonishment, they bowed.
Joseph was not sure what the dream meant, but he had some idea. In any case, he was certain that it meant something, and that this something was bigger than everything - not only him but also his family, his land, and everything and everybody he knew. He could not wait for it to be morning already, so he could share this discovery with someone. He foolishly tried to do so with his older brothers. Even though he did not get along with any of them, he still respected their opinions - especially Judah's. He was eager to hear what they would have to say. He was also hoping that once they heard his dream and understood its meaning, they would finally look upon him as more than their father's favorite, but a young man who would amount to something in life. Maybe then they would speak to him the way they spoke to each other - fondly and respectfully. But instead they were only angry with him again. They accused him of thinking that he was better than the rest of them, and Levi chased him away, calling, "Daddy's boy" after him.
All through this ordeal, Joseph fought back his tears. He was a proud boy and did not want to give anybody the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He still remained unsettled for a few more hours, and found it hard to control his shivering hands while trying to eat that night's supper.
Joseph was gravely disappointed. It had come out all wrong. It always did. Like the time his father gave him the special coat. Joseph had to admit that he sensed right from the start that that coat would get him into trouble with his brothers, but he was so deeply moved when he saw it the first time that he did not really care. It was colorful, with full sleeves, and it looked like nothing he had ever worn before, or even seen anybody else wear for that matter. When his father handed him the coat, and the tips of his fingers caressed it for the first time, his eyes filled with tears. He knelt in front of his father and kissed his hand. His father's wrinkled face radiated in response. And then he wore it, and the feeling of it touching his skin was unbelievable. The minute he was dressed, he stormed outside. He just had to feel nature in all its beauty - watching him, greeting him. He did not want to ever take it off, not even while tending the herd. Wearing it, he felt blessed. He could not explain it, but the coat made him feel strangely connected to God. He cultivated a glimmer of hope that the coat's special attributes would reflect back on him somehow, and make his brothers finally see what he was trying so long to show them. But his brothers hated the coat and him for having it, and at night he heard them criticizing their father for bestowing such a precious gift on the brother they loathed.
Joseph knew they were jealous. He also knew that they had a good reason to feel that way. As much as Joseph loved his coat, his brothers' pointed looks made him feel uneasy wearing it. He was actually beginning to feel sorry for them when he caught two of them trying to steal the coat and shred it to pieces while they thought he was sleeping.
He was more disappointed in his brothers than anything else. He could not comprehend how they could have even thought of destroying this remarkable garment, which was undoubtedly a creation of angels. If he did not know for sure that he would get into more trouble if he spoke his mind, Joseph would have definitely told his brothers how wrong they were.
This incident made Joseph realize that he would never be one of them; and although he tried to be brave about it, it stung him.
It was at times like this that he wished he could speak to his mother. He had some vague memories of her, but he was not completely certain that they were really his, and were not implanted in his memory by his father's never ending stories.
He had heard that his mother and her sister did not see eye to eye either, but he had a feeling (cultivated by years of observing his sisters and his father's wives) that it was different for women. In any case, Joseph's brothers were many and much more powerful than Aunt Leah could have ever been.
Then came another dream from which he awoke startled. He already lost count of how many of them he had had. They were coming more and more frequently. But none was as powerful as this one. He sat in his bed, silent, staring at the void in complete awe. He had long felt that God's hand was involved in his dreams, but now he knew for certain. He fought the initial impulse to share his dream with others. He remembered all too well what had happened the last time he had tried that - two of his brothers held him down while the others beat him up, but that was not the worst thing that had happened that day. When he told the dream to his father, the old man's face turned crimson with rage. Joseph could not remember seeing him that upset since he had learned the truth about his brother Reuben and Bilhah. His eyes fired. His hands trembled. He said horrible things about Joseph. He accused him of being deluded, conceited and vain. Joseph stood still, with his head bowed. He managed to keep silent, but he could not stop the flow of warm tears that fell from his eyes, unseen by his nearly blind father. It was his father's frenzied reaction that had made him resolve never to share his dreams with anyone again, as long as he lived. It was clear that other people were incapable of realizing what their true meanings were, and Joseph experienced enough to conclude that trying to explain them to other people was futile.
For days after the clash with his father, Joseph had moped around the camp, nearly bursting with wonderful images and interpretations. At first, he was seriously distressed by the imposed restriction on sharing them with anybody, but slowly the disturbing feeling subsided, until it was quite bearable. But the new dream he had just had seemed to work wonders on the way he felt. He did not feel the burning sensation that usually accompanied the need to keep quiet. He felt calm. He felt cleansed. He felt the touch of God. Suddenly it was all clear. He was not angry with his brothers anymore. They could not understand - he saw it now, and understood that he must not resent them for their limitations. It was not their fault that they were not chosen by God the way he was. Now he realized how inconsiderate he had been in flaunting his unique status in their faces, for judging them so harshly when they had not performed their jobs well.
He was going to change. He was going to keep all of his unusual thoughts and ideas to himself and work as hard as the rest of them. He was not going to use his singular position as an excuse to do less than anybody else. If anything, he should set an example and do more.
Joseph felt better than he had felt since he was a little boy. With a light, exuberant heart, which was the product of his fresh resolution, he rushed outside to join his brothers at their work, but they were nowhere to be found. Then he remembered that they were all in Shechem with the flock.
Before he had the chance to be disappointed, his younger brother came and told him that his father was asking for him.
His father told him to go see what his brothers were doing, and come back and tell him. This time Joseph was happy to oblige. This was the opportunity he was waiting for. It was his chance to show his brothers that he had changed. This time he was not going to tell on them, no matter how badly they behaved. He would just work hard and hope that his behavior would have some kind of a positive effect on them. That was it. He was not going to provide his brothers with any more reasons to be envious or suspicious of him. And even if they did not instantly start liking him after all these years, at least they would stop hating him so fiercely.
Joseph set out as soon as he could, feeling confident in himself and his new plan. He kept walking well after dark. He was eager to meet with his brothers again.
He was disappointed to find out that his brothers had already left Shechem before his arrival, but he did not let this fact discourage him. He set out on his way again, hoping to catch up with them before they left his new destination as well.
Finally, he spotted their tiny figures in a distance. His heart began to pound much faster, but not like before, out of fear. This time it was out of excitement. He was happy to see his brothers.
His heart kept beating fast when his brothers seized him and stripped him of his coat. His throat throbbed when they gagged his mouth with their dirty hands and threw him into the deep, dark pit.
Joseph did not know how long he had stayed in the pit, but his mouth felt heavy and dry. From a distance he could hear his brothers eating and laughing. His heart sank.
He did not fear death. He was anxious to meet his mother and God. It was the endless waiting that frightened him. It was the excruciating pain that came, so they said, with dying of thirst.
But before he knew it, his naked body was fished out of the pit. After a short moment of relief, Joseph realized the nature of the change in his fate. He painfully watched as twenty pieces of silver exchanged hands. Then a rope was tied around his hands and neck, and he was dragged away by the Ishmeelites like a common beast.
As he turned his head to look at the distancing figures of his brothers, a memory surfaced in his mind. It was the last part of the dream he had had just before he traveled to Shechem. One of the Ishmeelites flogged him for slowing down to look, but Joseph did not care. His eyes did not water, and his dry lips slightly curved into a shade of a smile. He and his brothers were going to meet again, that he was sure of, and when they did, finally all his dreams would come true.
March 31-April 1, 2001
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