A Few Rules to Abide By

So, you want to become a detective, eh? Well, it's not as easy as outwitting Dan Quayle. It takes smarts, a quick wit, and resistance to cute suspects of the opposite sex. (Well, most of the time.) Well, here are a few rules:

1. VERY IMPORTANT! Never guess at any aspects of a case. You must wait until all of the facts have been gathered. Then, and only then, do you stand a remote chance at solving it.

2. It is okay to bribe people for information. It is also okay to threaten to send them to jail for it. But never, under any circumstances, smear them with peanut butter to get your way. (I'm sure it's illegal somewhere. Plus, it's a waste of good peanut butter.)

3. Handcuffs are strictly for POLICE BUSINESS ONLY.

4. Never underestimate an opponent. (Your parents probably told you that one.)

5. Look both ways before crossing the street. (They probably told you that one too.)

6. As far as motives go, if you can think it, it's either possible or already has been done. (in literature, anyways....)

7. With a little imagination, anything can be used as a murder weapon. (For example, a Mormon might die from the knowledge that their father was Howard Stern.)

8. It is never wise to ask for leads from a electronic fortune teller. (Where did that one come from?)

9. Always tell the truth. (Except when talking to suspects.)

10. And last, but not least, if you are using this information against a younger or older sibling and they won't give you something, there's always blackmail.