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Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.

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When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

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I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia.

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It's a small mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

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The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

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By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

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Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight -- this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one -- this is business.

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Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution -- these can lift at a colossal humbug -- push it a little -- weaken it a little over the course of a century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

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All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

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Profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.