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The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no." "Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer continues,"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, what make you think I'm going to give any to you?"

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"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

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The things that lawyers know about,
Are property and land.
But why the leaves are on the trees;
And why the waves disturb the trees;
Why honey is the food of bees;
Why horses have such tender knees;
Why winters come when rivers freeze;
Why faith is more than what one sees;
And hope survives the worst disease;
And charity is more than these,
They do not understand.

H. Pepler, The Devil's Dream

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It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets.

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Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

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Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

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Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

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Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

A: New Jersey got to pick first.

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Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?

A: Retired

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Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.