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Guy walks up to a bar and is stopped by the bouncer. "Sorry pal, can't let you in without a tie."
"A tie?" the guy asks, "This is a bar! Why -"
"Sorry, pal, rules are rules."
So the guy goes back to his car and starts looking for anything that remotely resembles a tie. The only thing he can find is a set of jumper cables. Having nothing to lose, he ties the cables around his neck and goes back to the bouncer.
"Now can I get in?"
The bouncer eyes the jumper cables and says, "OK, you can go in... but don't start anything."
A cross-eyed judge has three defendants before him. He glares at the first and asks,"How do you plead?"
The second defendant says, "Not guilty!"
The judge glares at the second defendant and says, "I wasn't talking to you!"
The third defendant says, "I didn't say anything!"
A young couple went to the fairgrounds. The wife went on the ferris wheel. The wheel went round and round and suddenly she was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband�s feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
One day a mother and her young daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a huge wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and falling to her knees. "This was my only baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll be in church every day for the rest of my life!"
Suddenly, another huge wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She was wearing a HAT!"
A guy walks into a chicken restaurant and asks, "How do you prepare your chickens?"
The manager replies, "We just tell them they're going to die."
It was a particularly busy day in heaven and Jesus was at the Pearly Gates helping out Saint Peter. Eventually the line got to this one little old man. He looked vaguely familiar and Jesus started talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living when you were alive?"
"I was a carpenter," the old man replied.
Jesus's ears pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have any children?"
"I had one son, but I lost him."
Now, Jesus was sure he was on to something, and decided to ask another question. "Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell me, what was he like?"
"Well," said the old man, "he was like any other boy, I guess, except he had holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus grinned broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "Dad!"
The old man gasped, "Pinocchio!"
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "Well, with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!?! I should be the Messiah Himself!?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it.�
An Australian travel writer touring the northwest was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up from the stick he was whittling, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
A man and his son went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat" The man notices the lady but politely tells his son, "That's not a nice thing to say." The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat." The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things." Just then the lady's beeper went off and the son said, "Watch out dad, she's backing up."
Bob was an avid golfer his entire life, but as he got up in years his eyes started to fail and he could no longer follow the flight of his ball. He went to his eye doctor, who said that there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 90-year old man who still had perfect sight. In fact, he was called 'Old Eagle Eye.' He suggested that Bob contact the old gentleman and ask him to accompany him on his golf rounds. Bob could hit the ball and 'Old Eagle Eye' could watch where they went.
Well, Bob made arrangements to bring 'Old Eagle Eye' golfing. On the first tee, Bob drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks 'Old Eagle Eye,' "Did you see my shot?"
To which 'Old Eagle Eye' replied, "Sure did."
"Well, where did it go?"
'Old Eagle Eye' replied, "I forget!"
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. He gives her a complete physical, hands her three pill bottles and says, "Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water. Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water. Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water."
Concerned, the woman asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me, Doctor?"
"Yes. You don't drink enough water."