Mission

My mission call came late August 1965. I was happy to see both my parents and my sister attend my farewell. ( meeting in the Church leading to the departure of the missionary ) It happened that the missionary who baptized me was stationed in the Buffalo Ward and spoke at my farewell. I do remember it as being a spiritual meeting.

I was ordained an elder and found myself flying to Salt Lake City to enter the mission home. From there I was bound for the West Central States Mission under the Presidency of Wallace G. Broberg. I met someone from my college days on the plane and had a nice conversation with her. I noticed that some of the flight attendants were gay. This gave me the assurance that I was not alone. They looked like they were doing excellent work.

These are entries from my journal of my days in the mission home (Missionary training location) and my setting apart ceremonies: (ecclesiastical ritual designating me as a missionary for the Church).

September 21, 1965- " The lectures at the mission home made it a very full day. My companion Elder Lawrence is very shy and very effeminate......We had the First Discussion explained to us by three returned missionaries. I really feel like I can do it! Man is that he might have Joy."

September 22,1965- " Today Apostle LeGrand Richards set me apart to be a missionary for the Church...I really love the mission home. When I was set apart as a missionary all I truly remember him saying is " Beware of Idleness." I had a really choice talk with a missionary as I played the piano... I led the singing at the setting apart ceremony. President Joseph Fielding Smith was behind me -my knees shaking. After being set apart I sat behind the Hotel Utah and looked up at the Salt Lake Temple spires saying " This better be true. I have given up a lot to believe in this Church. "

September 23, 1965- " Today was very significant and we had good speakers. I received a letter from Sister Peterson and Sister Miller. Still trying to learn my Discussions, Brother Brown told a story about Sister Brown and had us all in tears. There is so much spirit and fellowship here. I wish I could appreciate my parents more. Tomorrow I will be entering the Temple for my own endowments. Unto the renewing of our bodies. God must truly love us to create us to be like him. "

September 24, 1965- " I went through the Salt Lake Temple and received my own endowments. I love wearing Temple garments. The ordinances there were beautiful. I realized much of my own failures. Three sisters came to see me. When I feel the spirit its like a fire, but when depressed - all is lost. "

September 25, 1965- " I really appreciate Brother and Sister Brown, they are so sincere. I wrote a letter to the prophet today in which I told him how proud we are of him. The Salt Lake Temple spires at night against the sky- Holiness to the Lord. "

September 26, 1965- " This is the last night in the mission home. Brother and Sister Brown -wonderful. The testimony meeting in which I said my poem. Elder Nybo talked with me outside the Assembly Hall...This too shall pass away. "

I repeat the kind words that Elder Nybo spoke at my farewell from a copy of his talk which he gave me:

"Yes, Elder Attridge loves beauty, and he loves people. This is a part of the reason he joined the church is there is love here. Elder Attridge has always tried to help people and to show them they are wanted. I've always been impressed with his humility and honesty..... All of these are qualities needed to be a successful missionary."

The flight over the Tetons to the rimrocks of Billings, Montana, was the roughest of my life. I asked for the bathroom so I could throw up, and they gave me a barf bag. Well, I thought I had more manners than that; somehow I held it in until we landed. It was snowing. It was September. This was not New York State.

I was assigned to the city of Bozeman. My trainer was not ready for the likes of me. I didn't learn things as fast as he thought I should. He " should " all over me. He made great enchiladas though.

He spoke to the mission president telling him that he thought I was gay. His bags were packed. His mission was nearly over. What a test! A repentant gay man for a companion for the last month of his mission. I thought that " the man doth protest too much." I had to speak to the mission president before continuing my mission. The Church did not encourage anyone with moral problems to go on a mission. My Bishop had sensed my being Gay but he saw potential in me to serve the Lord.

The Mission President, Wallace Broberg tried to make it as comfortable as possible for me. I remember a comment which may have been used to make me open up. It had to do with " let your hair pins down. Just between us girls. " He had that kind of sense of humor. He and his lovely wife gave strong leadership to us while seeing our humaness. I can not imagine finding a Mission President with such insight, forgiveness and mercy.

I told him I was a homosexual but had been " morally clean " for quite a long time (for me). I believe he really sought wisdom from God for he sent me back to Bozeman and gave me a very kind companion, Elder Brown.

Elder Brown became the district leader and from that point on I remained a leaders companion until the end of my mission. Elder Brown changed the living conditions so I was not so isolated. Before this time I was housed in a separate apartment next to my companion. He was a friend to me and I started to learn the Discussions and scriptures.

It was during the first year of the mission that I felt I wanted to reach more than the dozen or so converts my companion, myself and the Lord could baptize. So I obtained the directory to Kenmore Methodist Church and wrote a letter to explain my conversion to the Church. There was an article about it printed in the Church News ( official Mormon Church newletter ) and I was later to learn several families and persons became members of the Church through this letter as the first steps introducing them to the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.

June 1, 1966 Earl Donald Attridge 1848 Rimrock Road Box 1797 Billings, Montana Dear Dr. and Mrs. Franklin Zentz: (ministers name used for example) This is probably the most honest letter I have ever written. I was baptized a Methodist. I was raised a Methodist. I was Vice President of the Methodist Youth Fellowship. I was an alternate representative to the official board of Kenmore Methodist Church.I accompanied the official representative to the United Council of Churches for the Kenmore Methodist Youth. I was in the choirs of Kenmore Methodist Church for 10 years. I was preparing to be a Methodist minister. I aided in serving communion to the class in which I graduated from Kenmore West Senior High School. I am acquainted with almost every phase of Methodism. I am now a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, more commonly known as the Mormon Church. I became a member of the Church on February 27, 1964. I am now serving as a full time missionary of the Church, spending two years in the West Central States Mission in the United States of America. In my quest to understand my relationship to God, I constantly asked myself, " What kind of a God do I believe in ?" The answer was of confusion. For as many of the different Methodist Churches in the world, there are equally the same number of concepts of God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, and man's purpose in life. The central figure in the Latter-Day Saint religion is the Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ, after whom the Church was named and by whose authority it was established and operates. As I proceed with this letter, I will explain why we believe that Jesus Christ is literally the head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The Church is neither " Protestant " nor " reformed ". It is the " Restored Church ", re-established by the Lord in our own time, with the same authority, organization, principles, and ordinances, which He brought to the earth 2,000 years ago. Just as in the time of Christ, the Church today has a Quorum of Twelve Apostles and a Prophet who receives revelations from the Lord. " And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets.." ( Ephesians 2nd Chapter ) Today we sustain the President of the Church, David O. McKay, as prophet, seer, and revelator. Latter-day Saints are not exceeded, per capita, by any other group in their rate of college graduates. Mormons have the lowest death rate, the highest birth rate, the lowest infant fatality rate, and the lowest divorce rate than any other faith. The L.D.S. Church has a Welfare Program second to none. Hours after the recent Chilean earthquake the L.D.S. Church was the first group on the scene with 10 plane loads of food, blankets, and clothing for the Chilean people. The L.D.S. Church has more people in " Who's Who in America ", and on the rolls of Science Honor Societies, per capita, than any other faith. Count Leo Tolstoy once stated, " The Mormon people teach the American Religion; their principles teach the people not only of heaven and its attendant glories but how to live so that their social and economic relations with each other are placed on a sound basis. If the people follow the teachings of this Church, nothing can stop their progress...it is limitless...If Mormonism is able to endure, unmodified, until it reaches the third and fourth generation, it is destined to become the greatest power, the world has ever known." ( The Improvement Era. February 1939 Vol. 42.p.94) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has reached the third and fourth generations. " Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. " ( Matthew 7: 15-20 ) It was through a vision that John the Revelator prophesied the Restoration of the Fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. "And I saw another angel fly in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel to preach unto them that dwell on the earth, and to every nation, and kindred, and tongue, and people, Saying with a loud voice, Fear God, and give glory to him; for the hour of his judgment is come: and worship him that made heaven, and earth, and the sea, and the fountains of waters." ( Rev. 14: 6-7 ) From the time of the Protestant Reformation the people were being prepared for this Restoration. John Wesley did much to bring about an understanding of the realness of Christ's message. However, Wesley, took upon himself the right to choose Bishops and other officers to lead the group of Christians he organized. " And no man taketh this honour unto himself, but he that is called of God, as was Aaron. " ( Hebrews 5:4 ) In this, Wesley showed that he did not agree with established churches of that day. What alternative did he have but to form his own religion. If they ( Roman Catholic, Church of England, Lutheran, and etc. ) were not in accordance with God, which of the Christian groups was? Certainly God was not the author of this confusion. In 1820 Joseph Smith asked the Lord, in prayer, which of the churches he should join. Joseph went to a grove of trees near his father's farm and knelt in prayer. As he was praying, he saw a pillar of light, exactly over his head, which descended gradually until it fell upon him. When the light rested upon him he saw standing above him in the air, two personages in the form of men whose brightness and glory defied all description. At this time God, The Eternal Father, and Jesus Christ his Son appeared to the Prophet Joseph Smith. Later Joseph wrote of his experience, " who am I, that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision, I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it, at least I knew by so doing I would offend God and come under condemnation. " It was through the Prophet Joseph Smith that the ancient Church of Jesus Christ was restored to the earth. Joseph Smith sealed his testimony with his blood, June 27, 1844 at Carthage, Illinois. Today the Church continues to receive revelation from the Lord, through His Prophet. A prophet to whom the Church can look for revelation from God, as did the Israelites to Moses, Jeremiah, Isaiah, and the early Church to Paul, Peter, and John the Revelator. The Methodist student magazine " Motive ", recently ran an obituary of God in newspaper style: " Atlanta, Georgia., Nov. 9. God , creator of the universe, principle deity of the world's Jews, ultimate reality of Christians, and most eminent of all divinities, died late yesterday during major surgery undertaken to correct a massive diminishing influence. " Why is there this diminishing influence in the world? In this world of war and confusion, who could possibly believe in a God that isn't the same today, yesterday, and forever in revealing his will to men. Is it so fantastic, that God could speak to man in our own time? Isn't this the very day which Isaiah foretold, " Forasmuch as people draw near me with their mouths, and with their lips do honour me, But have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precepts of men; Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, even a marvelous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid. " ( Isaiah 29: 13-14 ) It is no wonder the Prophet Joseph Smith declared, " He whom ye ignorantly serve, declare I unto you." The Marvelous work has been done. The Church of Jesus Christ is restored to the earth. I know that this is true, I can not deny it. I am convinced that the things I have told you are true. As my testimony continues to grow, I wish to invite you to share in this message. There was a time in my life when I noticed this diminishing influence of God in me. At this time I went through diverse temptations and trials none of which overcame me. Today I share with you the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that God is our Father in Heaven. I know that Jesus is the Christ, the son of the living God, that he was literally resurrected from the dead and will return the second time to reign personally upon the earth. I know that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of God. He taught as a prophet, he lived like a prophet, and he died like a prophet. My testimony is that Jesus Christ directs his Church today through a living prophet. It is my desire that you consider the things which I have said in this letter. May God bless you is my sincere prayer in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Sincerely, Earl Donald Attridge

Even though this correspondence was a form letter being sent into over 2,000 households it was my way of trying to do the missionary work. It was my sincere attempt to share the Gospel I was growing to love with many friends and acquaintances from my past life in the Methodist Church. Into that period of time came a new missionary companion.

One of the last companions I had in Bozeman, Montana was Elder Bensen. He arrived by train and I was at the station to meet him. Elder Bensen was from Wisconsin and had attended Cornell College in Ithaca, New York not far from my college. He was interested in music and used to play the recorder in the bathtub.

It was as a companion to Elder Bensen that we had a most challenging experience. We were introduced by the Van Husen family to an investigator whom we called the " Bird Lady. " Her house was filled with over one hundred parrots, canaries, and even a talking mina bird. I was also astonished at the thousands of african violets which greeted us each time we met with her. She was humble, kind and desired to be baptized in the Church. The bishop did not want her to be baptized. He thought, as most did that she was too eccentric, too different, not accountable.

Upon the insistence of the Van Husen family and the bird lady herself she was taught the discussions and was baptized. Elder Bensen and I were delighted for on her first Sunday at church she presented the Bishop with her meager but full tithe. She was accountable. She wanted to live the principles of the gospel in her last days. I am sure she was thankful that we were willing to give her the opportunity to show her love of the Gospel. I believe this is what Gay and Lesbian people are also desiring to do.

Sometimes what appears as a person who just doesn't fit in with the status quo really can surprise us. Maybe they wear unusual creative clothing, say things which are difficult for others to hear, or maybe they don't live all the commandments, but they are working on their life. How can we know where another human being is in their eternal progression. Isn't that why we are told not to judge others? God knows them well. He will deal with them.

I was transferred from Bozeman, Montana, to Idaho Falls, Idaho, then to Blackfoot Idaho. While in Blackfoot I seemed to get lost in the work and lost myself for quite a while. We were stationed near Idaho Falls so on our days off we attended the Idaho Falls Temple. I did the Temple work for my grandparents there. (ordinances on behalf of every person who has ever lived giving them an opportunity to accept or reject the Gospel message.)

There was going to be a Stake Conference ( a regional area consisting of a group of wards or congregations ) and the main speaker was from Salt Lake, Apostle Le Grand Richards. My missionary companion and I were there listening to the conference when for some reason they asked me to speak. I thought I was going to eliminate on the spot.

"I told the members we appreciated them asking us to their homes for dinner, but we needed people to teach the gospel too!" I was very embarrassed at the brievity of Elder Richards talk, verifying most of what I had spoken. I must not have been all that bad of a speaker after all, he was one of the great orators of the Church.

Being Gay is a constant fight to save face with yourself to feel that you are O.K. and deserve the right to progress. People can make it so difficult for you that these little surprise successes can puff you up in your pride. Being Gay also humbled me as in the case of my next companion.

Elder Moss, was a handsome blond from Utah and was a challenge for me. Each morning he would arise in our small studio apartment strip off his garments, and walk past my bed to the shower with an erection. I am sure he had no idea what it was doing to me. I managed to show him continued respect. We were able to do the work. I bridled my passions.

I continued to be the zone leaders companion, a kind of housewife to the leaders. I would be called upon to do duties of cooking, cleaning, and paper work while the leaders left to travel the zone.

I also had various companions while the zone leader traveled to other areas leaving me in the home area. I met many elders. We would rub each others backs. One evening with an elder from California we got really over-heated. There was no sex but it was very sensual. I don't regret a moment of what occurred. I wish I had time to get to know him but we were all transferred so frequently.

On one occassion I believe I was spared Heavenly rath. In the Idaho Falls Temple I saw some other extremely attractive young men in the shower room and I became very excited. I felt very sorrowful for my behavior. I related this information to President Kimball later in a counseling session. There was a whole remolding of the shower area to give more privacy and the Temple was rededicated.

I had hoped to gain a testimony as a missionary. I did. I hoped to be able to change my behavior. I did not. I just suppress my behavior. While I was busy serving the Lord I did stop most thoughts toward men but when given a moment to breath the reality of my homosexuality was undeniable. And so it would be for the rest of my life. I could keep myself so busy so as to have no time to " sin ". In a real world with eventually real needs of loving and being loved being evident, the truth was I was that way and never would be happy pretending to be something or someone else.

However, I was on to my next adventure which would lead to a future full of forcing every known cure of homosexuality upon myself. Up to this point in my life I had five therapists and spent hundreds of therapy hours trying to cure my homosexuality.