There was such hope as I started my first semester at B.Y.U. in 1968. There was such hope as I flew on the plane to Salt Lake City through the snow capped mountain passes into the Salt Lake basin to the mission home ( training center ) to prepare for a mission. There was such hope in 1972 when I was dressed in white with my future wife within the walls of the Salt Lake Temple preparing for our eternal marriage.
There was such hope when our children were first born. There was such hope during each event packed day as my wife and I served others in wards of the Church, in the Tabernacle Choir, and in the Salt Lake Temple.
Now there is a bitterness which I cannot seem to forget. It is cold as a crust of snow waiting for the warmth of the voices of the Lord's appointed to say " Come unto to Jesus." Will you now listen to the echoes of my personal journals? I did all that I could to fight this bitterness. I fought a fight I seemingly could not win.
My bitterness effected every part of my life. It interfered with my employment and progression in life. I found myself withdrawing from many simple joys of life like friends, good relationships with relatives, and social interactions.
When ones Church and major belief system disapproves of the very essense of a person then all seems lost. When a person experiences constant failure at being persuaded to act contrary to their abilities and true desires, there is a time to say that is enough. I can bear no more.
My limit arrived In June 8, 1978. I had done everything I knew humanly possible to follow the teachings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as revealed in the Church. I saw everything falling apart around me. I found myself recalling everything I could think of to separate myself from what I believed was persecuting me.
I believe mistakes were made. They were not all mine. What I found myself doing was forgetting any good that I had experienced in the Church. Like a fugitive being cornered, I lashed out with such rage so as to sever myself from what I believed was a torture to me.
And yet in the midst of the anger I was pleading for understanding. My words were not tempered with love but with grief. It was deepest grief. It was my deepest grief.
I wrote my excommunication letter at the time I separated from my wife and children. I had lost several of my jobs due to being gay. I had also just separated from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. My losses at the time seemed insurmountable.
I have clarified some statements of my letter with several points of enhancement as it was written under great duress. I was not thinking of how to make it understandable to the world in general but more to the leaders of the Church who presided over me including President and Prophet Spencer W. Kimball. The text of my letter requesting my excommunication no matter how blunt, emotional, and piercing came my from pain.
There were comments I made concerning questions I had about the temple which I do not include. I believe I stated them to assure my excommunication. I will discuss them with those leaders who I hope will find the place for me in the Church at some later time.
My Excommunication Letter
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June 8, 1979
Dear Members Of The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints:
IN A VERY TORN STATE DO I REQUEST MY NAME BE TAKEN FROM THE ROLLS OF
THE ABOVE MENTIONED CHURCH. I HAVE FOUND REASONS TO CAUSE ME TO BE
ASHAMED TO BE CONNECTED WITH THE ABOVE CHURCH.
I WAS ALWAYS UPSET WITH THE BELIEF THAT BLACKS COULD NOT HOLD THE
PRIESTHOOD. THE MISSIONARIES WHO BAPTIZED ME DECEIVED ME TO THINK
THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WITHHELD FROM BLACK MEMBERS. I FIND THAT
THE RECENT CHANGE IS STILL TOO LATE, TOO PRETENTIOUS AND A MOCKERY
TO THE HUMAN RACE.
I BELIEVE THE CHURCH IS SO RICH AND POWERFUL SO AS TO FORGET THE
NEEDS OF A STARVING WORLD, AND ITS OWN LONELY MEMBERS. THE
MONUMENTAL MILLION DOLLAR TEMPLES, WARD HOUSES AND PLEASURES
ENJOYED BY THE MAJORITY, BY THE HIERARCHY, BY THE MEMBERS WHILE
HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS IN THE WORLD STARVE IS TRULY UNCHRISTIAN.
I AM APPALLED AT HOW I WAS USED TO INFORM ON HOMOSEXUAL STUDENTS
AT BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY. THIS SUBSEQUENTLY LEADING TO THE
SUICIDE OF BRAD LAURITZEN ONE OF THE STUDENTS ON THE LIST WHO
DESERVED TO LIVE. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE WITH MYSELF
INVOLVED IN THIS KIND OF TREACHERY. YOU HAVE MADE ME A PARTY TO
GUILT OF HIS DEATH.
I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO CONFORM TO THE PROGRAM
TO THE PLAN; MARRIAGE, CHILDREN, TEMPLE WORK, A MEMBER OF THE
TABERNACLE CHOIR, SHOCK AVERSION THERAPY, AND HUNDREDS OF HOURS
ON MY KNEES PLEADING FOR UNDERSTANDING AND A VIABLE PLAN OF ACTION.
YOUR PROGRAM HAS MADE OUT OF ME A LIAR, AN ADULTERER, AND DEEP
SHAME FOR HURTING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES. I CAN NOT BE FORCED TO YOUR
HEAVEN. FORCE IS SATAN'S PLAN. YET THE CHURCH NOW ADOPTS FORCE TO
CHANGE PEOPLE TO THEIR WAY. I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH SUCH
PLANS. THEY HAVE ALL FAILED NOT ONLY WITH ME BUT EVERYONE I HAVE
SPOKEN TO THAT HAVE TRIED THIS PLAN.
I RESENT THE CHURCH EXPERIMENTING WITH MY WIFE AND MY OWN LIFE. TO
LIE TO OUR SPOUSES CONCERNING OUR HOMOSEXUALITY LEAVING US WITH
OUT DIRECTION OR COMFORT WHEN ALL COMES TO NOT. MARRY A
HOMOSEXUAL TO AN HETEROSEXUAL AND YOU GET DIVORCE AND ALL THE
ATTENDANT MISERIES FOR THE OFFSPRING AND THE COUPLE.
ESPECIALLY DO I WEEP FOR MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WHO DESERVED MORE
THAN AN EXPERIMENT. THEY DESERVED TWO PARENTS THAT HAD ENOUGH
TIME TO LOVE THEM INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH ALL THE PRETENSES THE
CHURCH PLAN DEMANDED. THEY NEVER DESERVED AN EXPERIMENT THAT HAS
NEVER WORKED NOT ONCE.
I AM DISAPPOINTED THAT PEOPLE OF UTAH LIVE IN SUCH A STIFLED WAY AS TO
WALLOW IN MEDIOCRITY, CONDEMNING ANYTHING NEW IN THE ARTS,
DIFFERENT, AND CREATIVE. IT MUST MAKE THEM FEEL SECURE BUT THIS IS NOT
A PART OF THE PLAN OF ETERNAL PROGRESSION TO HAVE A CLOSED MIND TO
IGNORE ALL THE CREATIVITY OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
THERE ARE MANY GENERAL AUTHORITIES WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND FAMILY
MEMBERS WHO ARE HOMOSEXUAL. WHEN WILL THE HEARTS BE TOUCHED TO
STOP THE PERSECUTION, RIDICULE AND ABUSE WHICH ONLY DRIVES THE
HOMOSEXUAL INTO THE CORNER INSTEAD OF BEING MORE LIKE A LATTER-DAY
SAINT. I'VE SEEN GREAT ACTS OF LOVE ACCOMPLISHED BY BOTH
HETEROSEXUAL AND HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE.
I WONDER WHY I WAS PERMITTED TO SEE INTO THE HOLY OF HOLIES WHEN I
WORKED IN THE SALT LAKE TEMPLE. THE LORD TOLERATED MY PRESENCE IN
HIS HOLY PLACES. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HOMOSEXUAL. WHAT AM I TO THINK
OTHER THAN I AM AS SPIRITUAL A PERSON AS ANY OTHER. I AM NOT PERFECT. I
CAN NOT BE SOME ONE ELSE. I AM WHAT I AM.
MANY TIMES THE CHURCH SEEMS SELFISH SO IT CAN LOOK GOOD. MANY TEENS
AND ADULT HOMOSEXUALS COMMIT SUICIDE BECAUSE THE CHURCH DOES NOT
TAKE THEM SERIOUS OR ACCUSES THEM OF CHOOSING HOMOSEXUALITY. MANY
TIMES PEOPLE CURSE US TO DEATH TO OUR FACES NOT KNOWING WE ARE
HOMOSEXUAL.
I AM CONFUSED BY THE BEHAVIOR OF PRESIDENT SPENCER W. KIMBALL WHOSE
MISSIONARY COMPANION TOLD ME ON MY MISSION OF AN INCIDENT WHERE
PRESIDENT KIMBALL KISSED HIS COMPANION ON THE LIPS. TELL ME NOT TO
LOVE MEN AND WHAT DO YOU TEACH US IN THE CHURCH TO DO BUT T0 LOVE
OUR FELLOW MEN. I CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT INTIMACY IN MY LIFE.
I AM FILLED WITH DISGUST AT HOW I WAS ADVISED BY PRESIDENT KIMBALL TO
FIND EMPLOYMENT WHERE NO GAYS ARE, SHOVING ME TO AND FRO CAUSING
ME YEARS OF CONFUSION, FEAR, AND WASTING MY TALENTS. I AM AN ARTIST
NOT A BANKER, I AM A WRITER NOT A SALESMAN, I AM TENOR NOT A
BUSINESSMEN. TO TELL THE HOMOSEXUAL THAT HE CAN NOT BE A TEACHER,
MEDICAL WORKER OR OTHER HANDS ON CAREER ONLY FOSTERS THE LIES THAT
HOMOSEXUALS WOULD VIOLATE THOSE AROUND THEM JUST BECAUSE THEY
ARE HOMOSEXUALS. I HAVE WORKED WELL WITH CHILDREN MOST OF MY LIFE. I
AM HOMOSEXUAL NOT A CHILD MOLESTER.
I AM ESPECIALLY ANGRY THAT WHILE I WORKED IN THE SALT LAKE TEMPLE NO
INSURANCE WAS OFFERED ME AND I WORKED OVER 70 HOURS A WEEK. BOTH
MY CHILDREN HAD TO BE BORN WITHOUT INSURANCE. I SUFFERED THE
INDIGNITY OF NOT BEING ABLE TO PAY FOR THEIR BIRTH. WANT TO HELP A MAN
FEEL LIKE A MAN. TREAT HIM LIKE ONE.
I RESENT PRESIDENT KIMBALL ASKING ME TO RESIGN AS A CUB SCOUT LEADER
SO AS TO SAY I WAS UNFIT TO BE WITH YOUNG CHILDREN. IT IS A LIE THAT
CHILDREN ARE AT RISK AROUND HOMOSEXUALS ANY MORE THAN
HETEROSEXUALS.
IT IS A LIE THAT HOMOSEXUALS RECRUIT YOUNG PEOPLE TO BE GAY. USUALLY
THERE IS SOMETHING IN A PERSON'S LIFE THAT CAUSES THE HOMOSEXUALITY
AND NO ADULT CAN TALK THEM IN OR OUT OF THIS CONDITION.
IT IS A LIE THAT HOMOSEXUALS ARE INTERESTED IN SEX ALL THE TIME. THEY
HAVE JOBS IF YOU DO NOT ROB US OF THEM. THEY HAVE HOBBIES, SPORTS,
TALENTS, SPIRITUALITY AND ALL THE THINGS THAT SURROUND YOUR LIVES.
YOU HAVE MADE OUT OF US LIARS PUTTING US IN PRESIDENT KIMBALL'S BOOK,
THE MIRACLE OF FORGIVENESS, WHEN IN REALITY NO ONE IS CURED NOT ONE.
BEING CELIBATE FOR A LIFE TIME IS NO CURE. TRY IT YOURSELF FOR A LIFE
TIME. THAT IS WHAT YOU ASK OF US.
I WILL CONTINUE TO BE A GOOD FATHER THOUGH THIS EXPERIMENT OF YOURS
HAS FAILED. I HAVE FAILED AS WELL. I CAN NOT BE A HETEROSEXUAL PERSON. I
WILL TEACH MY CHILDREN TOLERANCE AND LOVE TOWARD ALL PEOPLE. I WILL
NOT TEACH THEM TO BE HOMOSEXUALS. I WILL NOT TELL THEM TO LIE TO
THEIR SPOUSES AND FORCE MARRIAGE ON THEM. I WILL NOT TELL THEM TO
TURN IN THEIR CLASSMATES BREAKING SACRED CONFIDENCES. I WILL NOT
SEND THEM TO THERAPIES INVOLVING SHOCK, PORNOGRAPHY, AND
EXPERIMENT WITH THEIR LIVES. I WILL NOT STRIP THEM OF SELF RESPECT,
EMPLOYMENT, HOUSING, HUMAN KINDNESS.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE MY WIFE BUT I CAN NOT BE HER LOVER. I AM NOT THAT
WAY. CAN YOU NOT PROVIDE SOME FORUM WHEREIN WE CAN SERVE GOD WITH
OUT PEOPLE'S JUDGMENTS WAGGING TONGUE TO STOP OUR PROGRESSION.
YOU SEGREGATE OTHER GROUPS OF PEOPLE. WARDS FOR SINGLES, WARDS FOR
NATIONALITY UNITY. WHY NOT A WARD FOR GAYS AND LESBIANS UNDER YOUR
PRIESTHOOD GUIDANCE. ARE YOU TOO AFRAID OF THE REST OF THE CHRISTIAN
WORLD THINKING YOU ASSOCIATE WITH PROSTITUTES AND TAX COLLECTORS.
ISN'T IT TIME THE SAVIOR POURS HIS SPIRIT UPON US.
WE WORK IN YOUR TEMPLES, SING IN YOUR CHOIRS, BLESS OUR CHILDREN IN
YOUR WARD HOUSES. WE ARE THERE THROUGH OUR LOVE OF THE RESTORED
GOSPEL IN SPITE OF OURSELVES. WE HAVE BEEN SERVING SINCE THE
BEGINNING. WE TOO CAN LIVE AND DIE FOR THE TRUTHS OF THE GOSPEL BUT
DON'T ASK US TO LIE SO YOU CAN LOOK GOOD.
YOU DISGUST AT WALKING IN OUR MOCCASINS BUT WE ARE WALKING THE
SAME PATH TO THE SAVIOR. WE ARE NOT PERFECT, NEITHER ARE YOU.
WHAT IF YOU WERE CALLED TO THIS LIFE WITH THIS SITUATION. WHY ARE YOU
HEAPING PAIN, SHAME AND GUILT UPON US. DO WE NOT ALREADY FEEL THE
PERPLEXITY OF OUR EARTHLY MISSION. I CAME HERE WITH A DIVINE MISSION
TO BECOME LIKE CHRIST AND THE VERY CHURCH THAT BEARS HIS NAME
DRIVES ME TO THE BRINK OF SELF DESTRUCTION.
I AM NOT DEAD YET. YOU HAVE NOT DESTROYED THE TESTIMONY IN MY SOUL
THAT THE SAVIOR PUT THERE. I KNOW BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY GHOST I
WAS CREATED FOR A PURPOSE. I AM NOT A FREAK. I AM A PERSON. YOU HAVE
NOT DESTROYED THE LOVE OF THE GOSPEL I HAVE IN MY BREAST, BUT ALMOST!
SOME DAY MY LORD WILL EMBRACE ME WHATEVER PLACE HE HAS SET ASIDE
FOR ME. NO ONE KNOWS THAT FOR SURE. AS FOR NOW I WISH NOT TO BE
NUMBERED WITH YOU. I WANT TO BE A HUMAN BEING ONCE AGAIN.
I HAVE ENCLOSED SOME ARTICLES I HAVE WRITTEN AND I WISH MY NAME TO
BE TAKEN FROM THE CHURCH LIST. I CAN NOT BEAR TO BE A MEMBER ONE
MORE DAY.
THANK YOU AND GOODBYE
Earl Donald Attridge |
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December 23, 1979 Dear Brother Attridge:
The High Council convened as a court at 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday, 12 December 1979 to
consider your request that your name be removed from the records of the Church. As your were
unable to attend, a decision was made on the basis of the information available to the court. It is
the wish of the High Council Court of the Salt Lake Canyon Rim Stake to inform you that it was
the decision of the court to excommunicate you from the Church.
This means, of course, Brother Attridge, that you are no longer an Elder and you do not hold
membership in the Church. Your membership records are removed from the ward files.
All ordinances in your behalf have been cancelled.
You may attend Sunday School and Sacrament meeting but may not partake of the Sacrament.
You are to make no contributions to the Church. Your relationship to the Church is that of a non-member.
Please be aware of our personal regard and love for you.
May the Lord bless you. Respectfully, Don F. Gowans
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