I continued to have voice lessons from Brother Condie, trying to learn all I could from his vast knowledge of the tenor voice. On July 18th 1974 I flew to Spokane Washington with the Choir. We stayed at Gonzaga University. I visited the World's Fair immediately. I went to the Book of Mormon Pavilion. That evening the choir sang in the Coliseum, a very large cattle rodeo type building. It was so warm that we all were soaked to a sweat during the concert.
After the concert Scott and I stayed up all evening talking as our third roommate did not show for the trip. It was during that session we confessed our common homosexuality and did some light fondling. I look back on that experience with gratification at being with someone who knew exactly how I felt. I was also puzzled that in the choir I would find someone like me.
I wondered how could this vehicle of the Lord's Choir bring me to the throws of such temptation. I felt this temptation was beyond my power at the time to resist. It was so inevitable that Scott and I would get to that point it hurt me to feel so unprotected by God from my own temptation.
July 19,1974 - Friday - " ... walked with Richard and two other members of the choir to the Fair. We went directly to the closest Pavilion, the Russian pavilion. Saw the movie " My Land " then as I was walking up a ramp I felt prompted to avoid the crowd and go another way. A young woman crossed before me and I noticed her guide badge. It read Mila. I stopped and asked her where she came from in Russia. She said she was from Moscow. I told her I was in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. She mentioned that she had attended our concert last night. We critiqued the program together. She liked the classical numbers.
She seemed like a choice spirit and I listened to her as a group of people asked her questions. I felt so warm toward her. I noticed how she spoke so practical to the crowd but more personal to me. Later she said she was a teacher in Oriental Culture. Her husband and his father both were members of the Communist Party. She said only 6% of the Russian People belong to the party.
I felt impressed to sincerely mention how happy I was to talk to her and as I left she gave me her guide pin of the biosphere design, with arm and sickle as well as U.S.S.R Expo 74. I wandered further around the pavilion. I noticed when Mila spoke with me several other guides watched her spyingly, especially a severe looking couple. The man was bearded and the woman I characterize as intellectual looking. So Mila had reason to not be so personable but lecture to the people. It reminded me of the incident when Brother Hansen told me not to be so friendly to the patrons of the Temple.
As I left the pavilion I knew I had to give Mila a Book of Mormon. I tried to find the Book of Mormon Pavilion. I prayed for the Lord's help. I thought the scriptures said the weak would teach the gospel even to kings so I thought I would try. Finally I saw the Pavilion and went up to missionary at the exit. I knew it would take time to go through the pavilion so I told him my story and naturally he wanted me to get a Book of Mormon for Mila.
The missionary let me in the exit. I told those at the counter and they seemed happy as well. I
paused to meditate on what I would say then I wrote on the front title page:
Mila,
It was so wonderful to talk to you in your country's pavilion. I so enjoyed the movie MY LAND. I just felt so much love for your wonderful personality. May you enjoy this book.
Love, Don Attridge
As I returned, the line to the Russian Pavilion was hundreds of yards long. Then I saw the Soviet restaurant. It was in the basement and it connected to the display area. I managed to slip in when the one way doors opened to let people out. I moved passed Russian pastries which screamed to me.
I felt that someone would try to prevent me from giving the Book of Mormon to her. I guarded that Book of Mormon like Joseph Smith must have guarded the golden plates as he took them to his home for translation. I passed another guide I recognized and thought how easy it would be to give it to her and she could pass it to Mila but the spirit said move forward.
I found Mila after crossing the path of the two stern guards. She was with another small group. She was just completing her lecture and turned to find me standing there with the Book of Mormon at my side. She smiled kindly and was very happy to see me again. I told her I had a gift for her and hoped it wouldn't put her into difficulties with her government.
I asked her if I could give her a book. She was delighted. I placed it into her hands and she read it outloud pointing with her finger, THE BOOOOK OF MOOORMOOON. She asked " Is it a story of how your people came across the plains." I told her " It was a record of the Native American peoples who lived in America in Christ's time and his appearance to them. "
I invited her to contact me if she came to Salt Lake City to hear the Tabernacle Choir. She was very sincere and appreciated the gift very much. I told her when she returned to Moscow to speak to the authorities and leaders there to ask the Tabernacle Choir to come to Moscow. I told her to make sure to speak to me again. I told her of my love for her wonderful personality and said almost unthinkingly, GOD BLESS YOU.
As I left, I saw her with the other stern guides. She was swarmed about like a Queen Bee explaining some American boy had just given her a book. I walked out of the pavilion and wept with joy. I was so thankful that the Lord had allowed me to be an instrument of his gospel.
That night I walked to the Concert Hall with James, a black member of the choir. He was interested in having me show the Hill Cumorah Pageant slides to the Genesis group ( blacks in the Church who did not hold the priesthood at that time. ) He shared with me his conversion to the Gospel. "
When I returned from Spokane to Salt Lake City I was in a different space. I was more than ever a homosexual hiding behind the apron strings of heterosexuality. I would never again be the same person for I was in touch once again with my true feelings. Scott and I had opened the door to communication on a truthful level. I had someone I could be myself around.
I was also a missionary who felt like he had success teaching the Gospel. The quest continued to figure out how I could be loyal to the Lord and loyal to myself.
July 21, 1974 - Sunday _ " .... 7:30 a.m. rehearsal. Brother Condie started us on God Be With You Till We Meet Again, which was our usual close to the broadcast and walked off the stage as we completed the song with out a director. All of the choir was weeping. He couldn't say good bye. "
August 4,1974 - " Sunday - Choir rehearsal. Scott was sad. I cheered him. Richard ( a choir member ) was real fatherly with me......Showed Hill Cumorah Pageant Slides to the Genesis group. One black family from Louisiana is investigating the Church and said they are sure they will be baptized. I was so happy to be a little part of teaching them about the gospel. Special thing: Promised to fix the rocker. "
August 6, 1974 - " Tuesday -..... the choir had official pictures taken tonight.... photographs for our trip to Washington D.C. now that Jay Welch is our new director. We posed for two hours for the official photograph. Scott came over and met my wife and my little son. Special thing: Cleaned the bedroom.
Sometime during that summer on a warm evening Mack, my home teaching companion, Rick who wrote me poetry, and a mutual friend Leo and I all went to a spa near by called Wasatch Springs. It was a natural hot spring spa. There were private rooms with a pool that you could rent for hours. We all swam around in the nude. It was the most sensuous experience I had for a long time. Many times as we horsed around we would come in contact with each other. There was more warmth and love involved than sexuality.
Sadly enough for me Rick joined the army not long after and moved away. I never saw him again.
August 18, 1974 - " Sunday .....Dr. Avard Fairbanks called to take us out to a chapel he used for a studio which he wants a family to live in the chapel basement. He spoke about his angel Moroni statue for the Washington Temple being free of gravity as opposed to the angel Moroni statue on the Salt Lake Temple. Special thing for my wife: Blue forget me nots. "
The Tabernacle Choir went to Washington D.C. September 13-15, 1974. We had practiced with strenuous extra rehearsals to prepare some difficult Bach numbers. We were able to go as a group through the Washington Temple before it was dedicated. We sang in the Kennedy Center before President Ford and President Kimball. President Ford and his wife came up on the podium to the choir after our performance. We sang some of their favorite hymns.
Scott and I roomed again with each other but a party next to us kept us from sleeping. Scott and I were having a lot of communication problems mixed in with our homosexual discussions. One of the other members of the choir kept knocking at our door as well wanting to talk about his homosexuality but Scott and I wanted our privacy. I don't remember having sex with Scott that evening but I felt very close to him like a brother.
On the last day in Washington I went with James ( from the Genesis group ) to the Lincoln Memorial. We took pictures of each other and the monument.
October 26, 1974 - " Saturday - Brother Condie scheduled me wrong so James had to sit through my lesson. My wife, James and my son and I all walked around Temple Square. Then I sat through James lesson. James and I sang a duet. I told James we ought to sing a duet." BLACK AND WHITE TOGETHER." James said the Lord will get you for that! We were chiding each other in a brotherly way. Special thing for my wife: wind chimes. "
The only one at this time in my life that knew I was gay was my wife, President Kimball and a therapist at Granite Mental Health where I was working as an assistant art therapist. My therapist friend seemed intrigued by my situation. We would spend lunch times together. While working in the center I had the domain of the ceramics room. So one of the head psychiatrists, Dr. Reiser put a sign on my room door. Psycho-Ceramics for Cracked Pots. It seemed we were all reaching out for ways to communicate to each other even in this therapeutic situation.
November 5, 1974 - " Tuesday - ....Talk with Bob (Robert Strachan) He affirmed my being. We drove up Emmigration Canyon and ate our lunch in the tops of the mountains. We listened to classical music. I told him I was surprised at some things he had said to my wife....Bob saw Mary and I going to the Symphony ( My wife and I sat in the choir seats in the Tabernacle when the Utah Symphony use to perform in the Tabernacle ).
My wife's dress was very beautiful and I am glad I had her get herself a new coat which was very stylish on her! We drove downtown and parked in the church underground parking plaza. .....Bob later told me he saw us other times and said we were part of the beautiful people.... Special thing: Strawberries."
November 24,1974- " Sunday- Scott's so brazen. He asks the men in choir = do you have anything I can suck = He is asking for a throat lozenge but it makes me laugh. We taped some new words for the Battle Hymn which were not terribly sensible. Jay really insulted the author. Good riddance to these words.
I really love being in the Choir. I love to sing God Be With You Till We Meet Again. Jay starts us and we sing to the audience. Special thing: candlestick holder.
November 30,1974- " Saturday - ...drove to voice lesson. Brother Condie gave me the whole hour. He really has been a choice spirit. Haven't paid him for the last three weeks - no money ......Bishop stopped by when I was assembling my paintings for an exhibit at Westminister College and art work for Don Doxey's class. The Bishop wants me to lead the young people's choir December 29th for Sacrament service.....Special thing: strawberry cup. "
December 15, 1974 - Sunday " ...Tabernacle broadcast ..President Romney of the first Presidency announced Jay Welch resigned as director of the choir... It was a great sadness to me...All sorts of gossip and speculation....he ordered uniforms without permission... new designs that were pretty for the women?...He had musical arrangements with Richard L. Evans and the copyrights were in question...? Had run in with President Stewart whose demeanor was like an old politician?
December 29, 1974 - " Sunday -...talked with Richard ( choir member ) this morning he calls me Dom Delouise and I call him Clark Kent...we prepared for a German documentary to be seen by 500,000 people for the german people.......I conducted the youth chorus in my ward in I'll Begin Again, On A Beautiful Day, and Thank You Very Much from the musical Scrooge. The Bishopric seemed pleased.
I had tithing settlement with the Bishop...I feel depressed tonight knowing my love for my brother images ( men )......My unhappy state at being separate and not cohesive in my home. I want to be left alone so I may be able to chose my friends and my joy. My chosen career as promised in my patriarchal blessing seems an impossiblity. A means I can not seem to accomplish for I feel so torn being a homosexual in a heterosexual lie. Sometimes I desire to honestly live before myself and others...but I have been taught such fear of the truth of my life. Special thing: A night light. "
January 5,1975 - " Sunday - Choir practice... sat between Richard and Scott ... We filmed our last songs for the Branss documentary/Christmas music.. At the conclusion of the taping Truck Branss spoke to us through translation by his wife. We sang GOD BE WITH YOU TILL WE MEET AGAIN....Mrs. Branss cried and her husband covered his eyes with his tinted glasses. And I wept too!..Special thing: A Kiss on the Hand for my wife. "
I look at that journal entry with great sadness for I realize that was the type of affection I was able to give to her comfortably. I must have been realizing that I could not bring her happiness in this marriage. I could count on my hands the number of times we had been intimate as man and wife.
My wife was nearing the time she would have our second child. Since we had been through the experience already things seemed to be going more smoothly. While we went into the hospital February 17th 1975 it wasn't until many hours of labor later that at ten minutes after midnight that our second son was born. I was there in the delivery room. I followed him to the nursery. I stayed near while his mother was nursing him. I endeavored to treat him in every way as equal as I could to my first born son.
But I tried extra not to forget my other little son and included him and introduced him to his new brother. I consulted with therapists so that I would not cross their boundaries as mine were crossed by my parents with abandoment and sexual innuendo. If I held one son in my lap to read stories then later or at another time I did the same to the other son. Later in June I would give him a father's blessing as I did his brother. It was different but equally spiritual.
March 22, 1975 - " Saturday - ....this was a day of tragedy for me......I saw David Hicken's photo in the obituary column. He had been electrocuted in an accident in Montana. I thought of his kindnesses toward us... I was depressed and wondered why such a wonderful person was taken. I will miss his thoughtful ways....I will miss his beauty and his good example. "
March 27, 1975- " Thursday- drove to the Tabernacle for rehearsal. It was exactly 8:32 p.m. when a spiritual thought was being given to the choir by one of the sister members..... Earthquake 6.4 on the Richter scale in Idaho...... I was sitting there listening to the message. Then the sister asked us to pray. As we were praying first the entire Tabernacle started to creak and move like a small sway. I wasn't about to keep praying. I was talking to my neighbors about," Is this an earthquake, hey it's an earthquake. " No one paid attention. The large Tabernacle organ facade started swaying east to west. Then the pipes or chimes started to clang.
I guessed that these people were used to it as they all continued praying with bowed heads and gentle poses. While I was like a young man with a new horse trying to hold on. I kept looking in disbelief at the other members in the choir. They acted like nothing was happening. It was my first earthquake ever. No one within a 5 foot radius of me could continue in prayer as I stammered to them of my condition.
As the rolling subsided I went downstairs to the nearest telephone and called my wife to see if she were alright. The rehearsal went on without me, naturally. My wife didn't feel a thing so I went back to my seat and joined the song in progress like I was a contestant on name that tune!...Special thing for my wife: A special ceramic Easter Egg I had made for her. "
April 3,1975 - Thursday - " Bob ( Dr. Strachan ) and I went to Temple square. We looked at the new fountain between the Temple and new visitors center. Well! Strange! were some of our comments.... Went in the Church Office Building looked at the Ascension Mural by Christiansen. We felt the Lord's spirit.. Bob thought it was the devil..but it was the Lord's ..he had never felt that strong a spirit.. I told him it was from the Lord.
We went through the parking ramp into the old Church Administration Building. Bob wanted us to go up the elevator of the Administration building. There was President Kimball shaking hands with guests. We shook his hands but President Kimball did not acknowledge me. Bob was psycho-analyzing President Kimball... Special thing: Watched the boys as my wife went to be with friends."
July 6,1975 - Sunday - " Good broadcast with Paul Hanks. Scott started talking about his sexual life. Then they changed our seats. I was glad I got moved because I had difficulty with Scott's talking. Wondering why the Lord brought us into the choir the same night, same height, both gay. I need to surround myself by those that are spiritual which my patriarchal blessing admonishes me. Special thing: Took care of the boys so my wife could take a long soothing bath. "
The choir went to Edmonton Alberta Canada in August. I would be rooming with Breck. It would be a change from rooming with Scott. I appreciated Scott very much. He was someone I could be honest with, a friend who could understand what it was like being Mormon and gay. I believe Scott got upset with me because I was more and more living in hypocrisy. It was difficult for him to understand how I got into such a situation.
While Breck and I roomed in Edmonton we met a family in an antique store and decided to be
missionaries to them. I bought some cups for my wife and large reading books for my sons. We
talked to a Ukrainian man on a bench and gave out bubble gum in the name of the choir. Breck's
companionship and friendship was much like being on a mission once again.