His eyes said no. They blanched, like a doe trapped in an on coming car beams. His voice was weak and strained. "What?" He moved away from my form. "Why? Why now?"
"Because I have to go, for a little while. I can't stay here, Miles is getting a divorce."
"So? What does that have to do with you? Is that who called? Wait, just because of this?"
"Yeah it was him.. Taylor, maybe you don't realize this, or can't comprehend it, but Miles and I are close." His eyes turned away, angrily. "Hey we're close friends." His eyes moved to the kitchen. "Listen to me here." He sarcastically sighed and looked at me. "Taylor do NOT even start with me here, this is not negotiable. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to realize that I can't drop everything for you."
"Yeah sure, you just drop everything for Miles." He sneered.
"That's not fair. You know it."
"You lied to me."
"About what?"
"You were suppose to want someone. Want to settle down, have kids. You can't just leave on a whim for an old friend like that. That's hypocritical."
"Well I guess my values have changed. My career and my friends have been a top priority in my life for years. Love has not." I sucked in my breath, I knew I'd crossed the line on that one.
"So you care more about your friends than your family.. great values."
"Well that's my choice."
"What about the 'well how many kids do you want to have'?"
"Just seeing what you'd say."
"Bullshit." He spit the word.
"Who are you to tell me whether I want kids or not? You have NO right." Taylor stopped, surprised and hurt. "If I need to do something, or be somewhere... If I had a call from my agent telling me to be at a book signing in twenty minutes, and then a lover called and told me to come over in twenty minutes.. I'd be at the book signing, no matter what. You're going to have to deal with that."
"You aren't mature enough to have kids."
"And you're not mature enough to deal with someone else's feelings."
"Oh, so you're saying that I'm always going to be put on the back burner, any time that you don't feel like making and effort?!" His voice rose and grew angrier.
"Since when have I had a person to come home to? Since when do I have kids to care about? Face it, a couple years ago I made the decision that what I was doing with my life was fine.. it's what I want, and if love doesn't fit, then that's acceptable. Before I wanted kids, now there's no way."
"You chose writing over making life."
"Damn straight."
"I thought you had more of a heart than that. I thought you'd want to try. I thought you actually cared about life." He rose and stalked off, I heard the garage door open and his car speed down the driveway and down the road. I sat on the steps, breathing quickly. A minute later I was packing.
Miles met me at the airport. He looked like Hell. At least we matched in that sense. As I hugged him that familiar smell of clove cigarettes and whiskey numbed my brain.
"He didn't want you to go." His eyes questioned me.
"We got in this fight about it. He reasoned that if I wanted to drop everything to help a friend, I didn't want to start a family and concentrate on that."
"Well you don't. Right?"
"Yeah, but.. it's just so goddamn confusing."
"You wanna go get something to eat?"
"Naw.. so where am I staying?"
"My place."
"She's really gone?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, Miles.. I'm sorry."
"Yeah." His voice was soft. "Me too."
On the way to his flat I thumbed through his CDs in the car. There were only about a dozen, he only really listened to vinyl, so I reached back into my bag and brought out an old Tori Amos album. I pushed it into the cd player's mouth and leaned against the car window.
"Do we have to listen to that shit?"
"Miles."
"What?" The slow beat of a mourning rhythm filled the small car. 'hey Jupiter' moved like mud across my mind. Tears filled my red eyes.
"Shut up." I closed my eyes as we drove through London traffic, through hoards of people, through different lives, lovers, and street signs. I saw my breath making a light fog on the cool glass of the window. A sign of life.