Funny Stuff Folks Have Sent To Me!
Funny Stuff Folks Have Sent To Me!
Thought it was about time to clean up my E-mail account and post some of those jokes folks have sent to me. The new listings are some of my favorites. Thanks to all contributors!
The New Latin...: from Chuck
"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy is here.)
"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)
"Sharpei diem."
(Sieze the wrinkled dog.)
"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)
"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)
"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum
pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
"E Pluribus Tupac."
(Rap is everywhere.)
"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)
"Revelare Pecunia!"
(Show Me The Money!)
"Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus."
(Al Gore is GOING to Be President.)
"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."
(Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??)
"Sic semper tyrannus."
(Your dinosaur is ill.)
"No Quid Pro Quo."
(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
"Cavaet humanus sic tofu burritus e toga."
(Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)
"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
"Veni, vedi, vichy."
(I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.)
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
(The government just stabbed me in the back!)
"E pluribus septum."
(Multiple nose piercings.)
-------------------------
Understanding Women: from Joe
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and
didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the
man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that
bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to
Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much
too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very
claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally he said, "No, I don't think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling
needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the
bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too
much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other
thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women.
What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so
difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or
four?"
-------------------
The Roosters: from Joe
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
coop. So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "ok, old
fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look
what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over,in the
corner?"
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking
over."
The old rooster challenges, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exculsive domain over the entire
chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just
to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to
bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head , "Damn it . . . third gay rooster I bought
this month."
----------------------
Crawling Home: from Jack I think
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head
hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife
standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent
look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
------------------
Weight Loss from Jack:
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has
ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a
guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed, like heck", he thinks to himself
but lets see what they can do.
So..he calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight
loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me." Well...without a second thought he takes off
after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and
thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business!
For the next 2 days, the same girl show up and the same thing happens each
time. On the 4th day, he weighs himself and sure enough, he has lost 10
pounds! Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to
mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to
their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program.
He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is
intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As
expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it,
there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks
and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most
beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative
of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me,you can have
me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it
takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and
wheeze. She's wonderful, the best he has ever had! He is really looking
forward to the next 4 days. For the next 4 days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the 6th day, he
weighs himself and unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
"I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could
be so easy and so much fun! Feeling much better about himself, he decides to
go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss
program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I
haven't felt this good in years!"
So... the next day there comes a knock at this door and he enthusiastically
answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man
dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He
introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you".
---------------------------
Medical Information from Mark:
Pharmaceuticals
All Drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxaphalin.
------------------------
Funny Ads from Chuck:
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR
WHO SELDOM WASHED.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
EYE OF ROUND ROAST - $1.99 lb. - BONERLESS
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger,
PAIR:$15
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100%
ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
2 TINKLE ME ELMO DOLLS - BEST OFFER
BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC
TANK PUMPED.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE
SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BEDROOM 2 BATH
HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE-BONELESS
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: 555-1275
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT
AWHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE
HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF
BEER.
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
--------------------
"That will teach him"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
his ticket home. If he could just get to the airport, he could get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there
was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the
cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him
his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address,
etc.,
but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out
of my cab.
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well whom
should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his
old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could get his
revenge. He got into the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride
to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"
"What? Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back
of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the
same results.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied,
"fifteen bucks." The businessman said ok, and off they went. Then, as
they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a
big
smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver.
May 18, 1998
Some memorable 1997 newspaper headlines:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground,Crash Probe told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After18Years in Checkout counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
There was a traveling salesman who was on his last "house-call" for the day. As he was walking down this rural farm road, he came across a isolated farmhouse. In the side yard he saw a man having sex with one of the farm animals, a sheep. Alarmed, he quickly went to the front door and rang the bell. A little boy answered, "Yes? How can I help you sir?" The salesman pointing behing him said, "I just wanted you to know that there is a man having sex with one of your sheep! Call the police!" The little boy looked around him and said, "Oh. That's just my daaaaaad."
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
STATE OF ARKANSAS
Age: ____
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: ____________________
Number of children living in household: ____
Number that are yours: ____
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ____
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
___________________________________________________
Number of times you've seen a UFO: ____
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
September 23, 1998
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
RESIDENCY APPLICATION
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Sex: Male ____ Female ____ N/A ____
Shoe size: Left ____ Right ____
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of vehicles that still crank: ____
Number of vehicles in front yard: ____
Number of vehicles in back yard: ____
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ____
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
(_) Yes (_) No (If No, please explain below)
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen Elvis: ____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO: ____
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
(_)Red-Man
(_)Skoal
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
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