New Additions: March 29, 1999
Thanks to Joe Lichter for most of these.....
Jewish Advisor
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor.
After it was announced, the other advisors objected. "It is bad enough," the other advisors
complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord it over
us,' Is just too much to hear."
The King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew
do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.
As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally
He could stand it no longer. His mind was made up.
He burst in on the king and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."
The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well, if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again," he said.
The Jew felt elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran, Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again! We can be Jews again!" His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"
Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The next lady says, "Well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands . They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.....I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make."
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The Rosh Yeshiva (the Yeshiva head) finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel schlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bulrushes of the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced.
"What? Tell us," they all wanted to know.
"We should have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an
all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no
holidays.
Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So,
for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy
and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that
one.
Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap
will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is
Jewish.
Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you
live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are
Jewish.
Lenny Bruce
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody
else for a change?
Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty
years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle
East that has no oil!
Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disreali
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and
then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It's His business.
Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen
days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your
pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something.
Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
institution?
Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes
to it.
Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy
driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they
deserve everything they've stolen.
Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
(uncredited)
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the
truth even if it costs them their jobs.
Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger
A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He give his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
"Pastor Sheldon," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time,
don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
A not particularly religious fellow wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is considered a sin. He is not sure if sex is considered "work."
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says, "My son, I am positive sex is "work" and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to the minister--a married man--for the answer. He queries the minister and receives
the same reply. Sex is "work" and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely not work." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."
Passover Song
[Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things" from The
Sound of Music]
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefilted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharaohs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.
When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.
"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkeh, things couldn't be better! My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money. My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches...but enough about my joys...so what's by you and
your family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such tsores!"
"Nu Rivkeh, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?"
"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's a faygeleh."
"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a
doctor!"
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her
to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and
she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk
to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so
much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at
Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the
green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were
humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a
crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is
that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy
in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we
sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question
did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The
angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand. "How old are you?",asked
the District Attorney.
I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?" "I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eightly-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the
question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I
ask? "and turned towards the old man, "Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"
*******************************************************
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai
Hospital?
Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information
about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better
or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information
from top to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line,
please, that's a very unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady
who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah
Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel. Oh yes,
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her
doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send
her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at
twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me
nothing!"
******************************************************
Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered
around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he
asked,"Mama--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
Rachel--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man
shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
**************************************************
Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus
the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the
suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light,
walked over to the window and examined it more carefully and then
proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"
"Trust me." said Marcus, "It's black!"
"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.
"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I couldn't really tell from this
light if it's blue or black"
They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street
kept examining each other's suit to see if it was blue or black.
Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to
go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and
this way they could be sure.
Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent
and visited with mother superior to discuss their day in the city.
"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish
men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"
"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin;
they speak Hebrew!"
"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"
"Well, what did they say exactly," asked the mother superior.
"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating
the same Latin phrase, "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"
******************************************
Elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of
her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares in all
their sordid glory.
Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....
G-d: "And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel."
Moses: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together." G: "No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk."
Moses: "Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomach simultaneously."
G-d: "No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!"
Moses: "Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...."
G-d: "Moses, do whatever the hell you want......."
New Additions: September 23, 1998
A Priest is Needed
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd -- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
_____________________________
Jewish Personal Ads
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 22.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
It's Yom Kippur. The Synagogue is filled to capacity with the repentent and even the not so repentent.
Chaim Goldstein, the town's wealthiest citizen, is determined to set a tone of genuine contrition. After asking the almighty for forgiveness, he beats his fist against his chest saying, "I am nothing, I am nothing!"
Yankel, the town begger, takes Chaim's lead. He too begins to beat his chest and repeat, "I am nothing, I am nothing!"
Rivka, the town yenta who is observing the services from the gallery, nudges her friend frimma and points toward Yankel.
"Humph", Rivka says to Frimma, "Look who says he's nothing!"
Sara Kasden tells of a young Jewish wife who only wants to please her husband. Her husband loves Matzo Balls and begs his wife to make them for him.
For their first Shabbat together she decides to make Matzo Balls for the Chicken soup. She used the recipe her mother taught her. She was very pleased with the result. Her Matzo Balls were light and fluffy. She just couldn't wait until her husband tasted them.
The young bride served her husband the soup with Matzo Balls at the beginning of the meal. She waited to see what he said.
"So," she said, "How do you like them?"
"Well, they are okay," he said, "But they are not like my Mother used to make."
The young bride was disappointed but did not give up. Her next door neighbor had the reputation of making the best Matzo Balls in the whole town! She visited her neighbor and asked that she demonstrate how she made Matzo Balls. She watched as her neighbor did not measure any of the ingredients, but only put in a pinch of this and a handful of that! The bride had her go over the steps more than once so that she could get the proportions right.
The next Shabbat she made Matzo Balls using her neighbor's recipe. Mmmmm? But something was wrong. They didn't taste just right. A little too firm. The bride determined that the problem must be that her neighbor's hand was a different size than her hand. She quickly hurried over to her neighbor's house and had her put in the ingredients. Then she ran home and remade the Matzo Balls.
I'm telling you, this time the Matzo Balls were a machiah (pleasure)! To taste just one was to feel as though you were entering heaven! She couldn't wait to serve her husband.
Again she served the soup and Matzo Balls at the beginning of the meal. She waited for his reaction.
"So, nu?" she said.
"They're good" he said, "but really not like my Mama used to make." The bride was furious. Under her breath she said, "So, he likes Matzo Balls? Well he is going to get Matzo Balls for dinner every night!"
Night after night she served him Matzo Balls. Each time his reply was that they were not like those his Mother used to make.
One day, while making the Matzo Balls, the bottom of the Matzo Meal box broke open. The contents of about half the box fell into the mixing bowl. Frustrated, the young bride said, "No matter, I'll just finish making them anyway. Humph, what does he know about Matzo Balls!
Lazar drew himself up in righteous indignation. "Who's smoking?"
--hanks to Leo Rosten for that one.
Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.
After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!"
The others sighed sympathetically.
Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!"
The others nodded.
A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!"
The others nodded as if in agreement.
Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"
--This is another one from Leo Rosten.
A rather burley fellow stepped up to the counter in a local pharmacy and asked the clerk for 9 condoms.
The young clerk was new to the job, and nervously confirmed the order, "That was 9 condoms sir?'
The customer replied, "Yep, one for each day of the week, and a couple extra for the weekend." The transaction had just been completed when a middle-aged fellow walked up to the counter and asked for 3 condoms.
The clerk repeated back, "three condoms, okay."
"Yes," said the customer, and the transaction was completed.
A while later a Jewish fellow stepped up to the counter. He clearly ordered 12 condoms.
Inadvertently, the clerk blurted out, "12 condoms, big week huh?"
"No," said the Jewish fellow, "It's for, well, you know, January, February, March, April, May��"
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