Just Some Old Jokes & Some New Jokes

May 11, 1998

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
The dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can--with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. The Dad takes him to a bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him.
The Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he "was a head."

May 7, 1998
Uh Oh! A pig joke. Not the least bit Kosher!

Dave drove out to the country to see his old friend Hank. Hank had been a classmate, and now lived with his family on a small farm. As Dave drove up to the farmhouse and past the barn, he noticed chickens, guinea hens, a horse tied to a fencepost, and a pig. He parked his car and looked at the pig again. The pig had only three legs. He'd have to ask Hank about that.
Dave knocked on the door of the farmhouse and was greeted by his old friend. They spent most of the day chatting and talking about old times.
As Dave turned to leave he remembered the pig.
Uh, "Hank," inquired Dave, "How did you happen to come by a three-legged pig?"
"Oh yeah, well, that's a very special pig!" answered Hank. "About a year ago we had an electrical fire in the house. Wife and I and the kids were sleeping. All of a sudden we heard this terrible racket. It was that pig squeeling and scraping on the front door of the house. Yep, if it weren't for that pig we might all have died in that fire. That's a very special pig!"
"That's an amazing story," answered Dave, "but why does he have only three legs?"
"Oh, that." replied Hank, "You know, a special pig like that, you don't just eat him all at once!"

May 6, 1998
This one's from Cindy.

A husband and his wife are at the doctor's office. The doctor calls them in for a chat. "I have bad news," he tells them.
Turning to the husband, he says, "Your wife has either Alzheimer's or AIDS."
"Oh No," says the husband, "How do we find out which she has?"
"Tell you what," says the doctor, "take her outside of town and leave her. If she comes home don't sleep with her."

May 5, 1998
Thanks, Joe, for sending me this one.

There was a man named Bubba. Bubba knew everyone--everyone in the world.

Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world."

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says, "No, you do not know everyone in the whole world."

But Bubba says, "Yes I do!"

So Bubba's boss says, "Well prove it!"

Then Bubba says, "Pick someone...and I know 'em."

Well, Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck. I bet you don't know Tom Selleck."

Bubba says, "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were boy scouts together when we were kids."

Bubba's boss says, "No you weren't."

Then Bubba says, "Yes we were!"

So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba says, "Tom!" and Tom says, "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.

But then he says, "Well, that could happen; it's just one person," so he tells Bubba that knowing Tom Selleck doesn't prove he knows everyone.

Bubba says, "OK, pick somebody else."

Bubba's boss has just the person in mind! "President Bill Clinton. You don't know Bill Clinton."

Bubba says, "Oh yes I do. Bill and I were on the college debate team together.

Bubba's boss says, "No you weren't."

Bubba says, "Yes we were."

So they fly to Washington and they catch up with the president at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and hollers, "Bill!" The president hollers, "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned. He can't believe it.

But then he says, "Well, that's just two people in one country. That doesn't mean you know everyone in the whole world!"

Bubba says, "OK, pick someone from anywhere in the whole world and I know 'em."

Bubba's boss knows just who to pick, so he says, "The Pope. You do not know the Pope."

Bubba says, "The Pope? The Pope BAPTIZED me!"

Bubba's boss says, "No, he didn't!"

Bubba says, "Yes, he did!"

So off to Rome they fly, where the Pope is saying mass at St. Peter's. They work their way through thousands of people toward the front when Bubba says, "Boss, we're never gonna get through all these people together, so I tell you what, I'll work my way up there by myself, and when I do I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope." Bubba takes off.

Well, Bubba's boss thinks Bubba's trying to con him but he decides to wait and see. He waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba! Bubba waves. Only to see his boss fall down!

Bubba hurries back and finds his boss passed out, so he fans him, and says, "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" Finally, his boss comes to.

Bubba asks, "Boss, what happened?"

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Seleck; I can see Bill Clinton; I could even see the Pope. But, when somebody standing next to me asks, "Is that the Pope up there with Bubba?" that's a little more than I can take!

March 12, 1998

As Helen was walking in the mall, she saw her friend Mary walking toward her. Mary was obviously pregnant.
"Mary," called Helen, "I haven't seen you in ages! How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine," replied Mary, "I just decided to do some shopping before my appointment with the obstetrician today."
"Yes, well, I can see," said Helen, "I hadn't heard that you were expecting again."
"Expecting," said Mary, "Oh yes! My doctor said I am going to have triplets!"
"Triplets! How incredible," said Helen.
"It is amazing," said Mary, "My doctor told me it only happens once in a million times!"
"Oh dear," replied Helen, "When do you find time to do your housework!"

March 10, 1998
It's the pits!

A young pit viper was playing one day in the pit next to his home. His mother poked her head outside and said to him, �Son, you�re making an awful lot of noise, and your father is trying to sleep. Run along and play somewhere else.�

The young viper was kind of dejected. He slithered out of his pit and up a nearby path. Soon he arrived at the Pott�s home, another pit viper family. He slithered into their pit and began playing and hissing. Mrs. Pott poked her head outside and said, �You sure are making a lot of noise! Why don�t you go home and play in your own pit!�

Dejected more than ever, the young pit viper slithered back home. He slid back into his own pit and soon was playing and hissing again! Once more his mother poked her head out and spoke to him. �Son� she said, �I thought I told you to play somewhere else!�

The young viper tearfully replied, �Yes, I know. I went up to the Pott�s house to play in their pit, but Mrs. Pott told me to go home!�

�Well,� said his mother, �I remember when the Pott�s didn�t have a pit to hiss in!�

March 9, 1998
An E-mail Auto-Signiture.

Before you criticize a man, first walk a mile in his shoes. That way, after you criticize him, and he gets mad at you, you're a mile away from him and he doesn't have his shoes.

March 7, 1998
What is your heart's desire?

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life-at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies,nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to Four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware-how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What's next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for all these months? You know...."She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

March 6, 1998
How about my favorite restaurant joke!

Steve worked in a corporate office building in the downtown area of a large city. He always frequented a rather upscale restaurant a few blocks down the street. One day, after he had been seated, he noticed that his waiter had a spoon in his pocket. When the waiter returned to take his order, Steve asked why he had that spoon in his pocket. The waiter explained that customers were forever dropping silverware. He went on to say that it was his observation that spoons were the piece most often dropped. So, he reasoned, he would carry an extra spoon in his pocket as a replacement to avoid an extra trip to the kitchen. Steve figured that made sense, and placed his order.
Several months passed and one Thursday Steve noticed something strange when he entered the restaurant. After he was seated he made sure he was seeing what he thought he saw. Yup. All the waiters had strings hanging out of the fly of their pants. When his waiter arrived to take his order, Steve inquired about the strings. His waiter explained that the Health Inspector had been to the restaurant the day before. The inspector had given the restaurant manager a severe warning that the wait staff wasn't properly washing their hands after using the restroom. The waiter continued to explain that all the guys got together and decided to tie a string around their male member so they could pull it out and urinate without touching themselves.
Steve thought for a moment. He said he understood how they now managed to urinate without touching themselves. But he wanted to know how they got their organ back into their pants without touching it?
The waiter said, "I don't know what the other guys do, but personally I use the spoon."

March 4, 1998
A little longer joke!

Two drunks were crossing a graveyard. One of the drunks fell into an open grave. He began yelling, "Oh, I'm cold, I'm cold!" The second drunk looked down into the grave and said, "Of course you're cold. You've kicked all your dirt off!"

March 3, 1998
Time for a short joke!

I hear the Italians have invented a new suppository. It's called innuendo!

Humor Links: Return to Allan's Gallery: �