KOFIKO'S ROAD TEST
                        By David Berkowitz

     "Okay Kofiko, you may start the car."  The man administrating the road test
waited as Kofiko placed the key to his automatic transmission `87 Volkswagen Rabbit
in the ignition.
     "It is my pleasure to have you in the car, Mr. Dmv."  Kofiko knew he couldn't
drive very well.  He figured he would have to earn credit by currying favor with his
passenger.
     "Son, the letters on my shirt stand for Department of Motor Vehicles.  They don't
spell my name."  The D.M.V. agent took a deep breath.  When he first enlisted with the
Department thirty years ago, he joined for the glory and prestige.  His mother was so
proud when she found out that her son, her pride and joy, got a job with the
government. 
     Kofiko knew that his first attempt at friendliness failed, but he would muster up
his self-esteem and try again.  Kofiko had very little pride so he hardly ever got
offended.  He remembered the day when he first went to the Department of Motor
Vehicles.  The day after his sixteenth birthday, he went to take his written test.  Kofiko
knew what a stop sign was and he even knew what to do when he approached a yellow
light, but all of the other questions were very tricky.  He failed that test and failed again,
but the second time he got half of them right.  The third time taking it, the lady who
handed him the test felt so sorry for him that she handed him a sheet of paper with the
answers.  Kofiko did not know what to do with it and still failed the test, but the lady
gave him a passing grade anyway just so that he wouldn't come back for a while.  
     Kofiko turned the key and the engine hummed.  Kofiko hummed along.  
     "Take it easy, son.  I want you to turn right at that corner up there."  Kofiko
switched the gear into Drive and pressed his foot on the gas pedal.  As loud as the
engine roared, Kofiko kept singing right along with it.  The administrator could not wait
for this test to end.  
     Kofiko turned right at what he thought was the first corner.  Poor Kofiko was
mistaken.  It was only somebody's driveway.  "Kofiko, this looks like a good place for
you to practice your K-turn."  Kofiko loved doing K-turns because his name began with
K.  He felt very special.
     Kofiko was slightly dismayed when he heard the howl, and then abrupt end to
the howl, of a dog.  Kofiko had accidentally driven off of the driveway and onto the
lawn.  As the D.M.V. agent aided Kofiko in getting back onto the street, the dog's owner
came out of the house.  "Damn," thought the dog's owner.  "That's the third dog I've
gone through this year."  Then he stepped back inside his house and yelled, "Honey,
I'm off to the pet store."  
     Kofiko stopped beautifully at the stop sign and went on to make a slightly wide
right turn.  "Son, stop driving in the left lane!"  Kofiko sometimes got confused with
which side of the road he was supposed to drive on.  There were no arrows and no
directions.  He knew that Mr. Dmv would understand.
     As Kofiko drove down Rocky Road, he had the feeling somebody was tailgating
him.  Kofiko let go of the wheel and turned around.  He was right.  "Watch where you're
going!  Keep your eyes on the road!"  Mr. Dmv was sounding a bit angry.  The tailgater
was still bothering Kofiko.  Kofiko slammed his foot on the gas pedal as he passed a
tree with a "Dead End" sign. 
      The man from the D.M.V. grabbed the emergency break handle and pulled it
with such force that he ripped it right out of its base.  At least the car stopped.  Kofiko
wasn't disappointed.  He still had his charm and good looks going for him.  He looked
into the rear view mirror and saw the tailgater skid into a parked car.  "He got what he
deserved," thought Kofiko.  
     Kofiko looked at his passenger.  "Is anything the matter, Mr. Dmv?"   
     "Son, you better not call me that any-" the man was halted by a sudden thought. 
He figured that he better do whatever he can to get this test over with.  If Kofiko wanted
to call him Mr. Dmv that was fine.  He looked forward to asking for an early retirement. 
"Son, I'd just like you to turn around and head back down Rocky Road before that other
driver comes to." 
     Kofiko headed back down Rocky Road.  "Son, your test is now coming to an end. 
Let's make a left at the end of the street and we'll be right back where we started."  
     Kofiko was not ready to end his test.  He knew that there was a chance he would
fail if he stopped so soon.  Kofiko had a plan.  "Mr. Dmv, I never got to parallel park. 
Please let me parallel park!  I'm really good at it."  Kofiko did not want to kid himself. 
He knew that he was unable to parallel park.  Still, the longer he got to drive, the more
time he had to make a good impression on Mr. Dmv.  
     Mr. Dmv consented and Kofiko made a right turn at the end of Rocky Road. 
Kofiko was pretty sure that he was in the correct lane this time until Mr. Dmv grabbed
the wheel.  Kofiko knew that next time he would really try hard to get it right.  
     Kofiko didn't even see the traffic light on Aardvark Avenue.  Mr. Dmv regretted
yanking the emergency break handle out earlier.  He could have used it once more.   
     "If you want, I'll drive you by my house and we can see my cheese collection, Mr.
Dmv."  Kofiko knew that there were few who could resist cheese.
     Mr. Dmv was one of those few.  "No thanks son.  Maybe some other time.  Look,
there's no place to parallel park.  Let's head back to the starting place before any other
motorists get hurt.  And try to stay under 70."  Kofiko knew that Mr. Dmv was really
putting him to the test.  Kofiko wanted to really impress Mr. Dmv and not only go under
70, but drive at the posted speed limit.  Kofiko felt really bad that he forgot what the
speed limit was.  
     Mr. Dmv wished he hadn't told Kofiko to drive slower.  Kofiko's speed had
plummeted to 12 miles per hour.  The sound of the cars honking at Kofiko made it hard
for him to sing along with the engine.  Kofiko had a great idea.  He shifted into reverse. 
The cars behind Kofiko stopped honking as they tried to avoid Kofiko.  Kofiko slammed
on the gas pedal, ramming right into the Dodge Neon Sports Coupe behind him, which
in turn skidded into another car.  
     A mob of angry drivers left their vehicles behind and was running toward's the
Volkswagen.  Mr. Dmv no longer wondered about the pension-plan for early retirees. 
"Damn you, boy!  Shift into Drive.  Move it!  This time, let's see how fast this baby can
go!"
     "There's no baby in this car, Mr. Dmv."  Kofiko was very confused.  Nonetheless,
he did what Mr. Dmv asked him to do.  Kofiko remembered pretending he was a race
car driver when he was a child.  His car would always crash.  
     Kofiko felt a sudden stroke of panic.  "Excuse me, Mr. Dmv.  Do I know you?"
     "What kind of nonsense are you sputtering out this time?"
     "I was told that I should never let a stranger in my car.  Mr. Dmv, you're a
stranger and you can't be in this car."  Mr. Dmv was caught off guard.  He wasn't sure
whether he should demand some respect from the child, pretend he didn't hear the
remark, or just get out of the car right then and there.
     Mr. Dmv found a solution.  "Pull over, son."  Kofiko knew it was time that he
failed.  Mr. Dmv ripped up the sheet where he took notes on Kofiko's astonishingly
horrible performance.  He filled out a new one full of positive remarks.  "Kofiko, may I
be the first one to congratulate you on the passing of your road test."
     Kofiko did not know what to say.  "But Mr. Dmv, I-" 
     "Think nothing of it, son.  I know you'll be more careful next time."  Mr. Dmv sat
back and smiled.  He now, in that brief moment, got thirty year's worth of revenge on
the organization that caused him such anguish.  He was happy.
     That evening, Mr. Dmv went to Kofiko's house.  Mr. Dmv had never seen a finer
cheese collection than that of Kofiko's.  Mr. Dmv left Kofiko's house smiling.