Q ----------------------------------------------------------------------- QUOTATIONS ---------- 1) Quotation: something that somebody said that seemed to make sense at the time. - Egon J. Beaudoin 2) The surest way to make monkey out of a man is to quote him. - Robert Benchley 3) Next to being witty yourself, the best thing is to quote another's wit. - Christian N. Bovee 4) I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful fromo minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things. - Dorothy Parker 5) I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. - George Bernard Shaw 6) To be occasionally quoted is the only fame I care for. - Alexander Smith **************************************************************** R ----------------------------------------------------------------------- RACE ---- - My personal belief is that as long as everyone has the same color blood, there is no difference in races. Only languages. - Richard McRae - I think that the only way to eliminate racial predjudice once and for all is for everyone to marry someone from another race. That way no one can claim to be a 'pure specimen' of their race. - Richard McRae - I don't understand prejudice, I really don't. How can a person hate some- one that they have never met? The same man who will tell everyone that he is 'open-minded' because he tried a new burger on the menu or accepted a new pastor at church will go out the same day and talk about how all 'niggers' or all 'chinks' are the same. It is stupidity of the highest degree. Ignorance at its finest. - Richard McRae - One thing I don't understand is that if black people want to be considered equal to white people - which they have every right to do - then why do they insist we treat them differently? You can call a white person 'White', and not 'Caucasion' or 'English-American'. But you can't call a black person 'Black' or 'Negroe', you have to call him 'African-American'. Isn't just 'American' good enough? Most of them probably have never even BEEN to Africa. Everyone will be treated as equals when everyone acts like equals. - Richard McRae - Just out of curiousity, why can a black man call another black man a 'nigger', while a white man cannot? A white man using the word would either end up dead or in a courtroom. But black people throw it around like a common greeting. This is my point: If one race can call each other something that another race cannot, then that race considers itself above other races. There will be no equality of races until everyone can put away all the damn feelings of racial 'pride and priviledge', and everyone just starts acting like human beings. If you want to be considered equal to someone, don't act like you are better than them. - Richard McRae - I don't think that any race has the right to be angry because their ancestors where forced into slavery. It just wouldn't make sense. Discounting the fact that they weren't personally there, every race has been enslaved by every other race at some point in time. In the early nineteen hundreds, any white man found in Africa was taken as a slave to the black men. THIS WAS AT THE SAME TIME THAT BLACKS WHERE TAKEN AS SLAVES TO WHITE MEN IN AMERICA! So while Americans where taking blacks as slaves, Africans where taking whites as slaves. Not to mention - just 50 years before this, it was perfectly common for black African citizens to have BLACK slaves. But people don't usually choose to remember that. - Richard McRae 1) Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination. - Graffito 2) BLACK MAN: As a matter of racial pride we want to be called 'Blacks.' Which has replaced the term 'Afro-American' Which has replaced the term 'Negroes' Which has replaced the term 'Colored People' Which has replaced the term 'Darkies' Which has replaced the term 'Blacks' - Jules Feiffer 3) Whereas black people can call each other 'nigger' with impunity, a white person may not presume to do so unless he doesn't mind dying. - Cynthia Heimel 4) Small as a peanut, Big as a giant We're all the same size when we turn off the light Rich as a sultan, poor as a mite We're all worth the same when we turn off the light Red, black, or orange, yellow or white We all look the same when we turn off the light So maybe the way to make everything right Is for God to reach out and turn off the light! - Shel Silverstein RAILWAYS -------- 1) STATION ANNOUNCER: The train now arriving on Platforms 6, 7, 8, and 9...is coming in sideways. - Anon RONALD REAGAN ------------- 1) I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an arctic region covered with ice. - Steve Martin 2) I still think Nancy does most of his talking; you'll notice that she NEVER drinks water when Ronnie speaks. - Robin Williams RELATIVITY ---------- 1) It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen 2) When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein RELIGION -------- - I don't believe in having a religion - I believe in having a relationship. - Richard McRae 1) Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. - Lenny Bruce 2) Religions die when they are proved to be true. Science is the record of dead religions. - Oscar Wilde RETIREMENT ---------- 1) Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money. - Anon REVENGE ------- 1) ...she got even in a way that was almost cruel. She forgave them. - Ralph McGill 2) It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him. - Olin Miller REVOLUTION ---------- 1) The successful revolutionary is a statesman, the unseccessful one a criminal. - Erich Fromm 2) Steal This Book - Abbie Hoffman, title of revolutionary manual 3) The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. - Abbie Hoffman RICH AND POOR ------------- 1) The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives. - Anon 2) Q: Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich? A: Because the poor had no money. - Anon 3) ROBIN HOOD: Here is the way it works: we take from the rich and give to the poor - keeping enough for salaries, travel, equipment, depreciation, and so on and so on. - Al Ross 4) I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better. - Sophie Tucker RIGHTS ------ - The ones who scream most about their right being infringed upon are usually not the ones whos rights have been infringed upon. - Richard McRae 1) The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey 2) What men value in this world is not rights, but privileges. - H.L. Mencken ROCK AND ROLL ------------- - If you can't understand the words, it's not music. - Richard McRae 1) Dicky Hart and the Pacemakers - name of band, London 2) Rock 'n' Roll is trying to convince girls to pay money to be near you. - Richard Hell, rock musician 3) I tried to charm the pants off Bob Dylan but everyone will be disappointed to learn that I was unsuccessful. I got close...a couple of fast feels in the front seat of his Cadillac. - Bette Midler 4) I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presley ROMANCE ------- 1) I found the ideal girl. Her father is a bookmaker and her brother owns a liquor store. - Joe E. Lewis 2) ERIC: She's a lovely girl...I'd like to marry her, but her family objects. ERNIE: Her family? ERIC: Yes, her husband and four kids. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 3) Where one goes wrong when looking for the ideal girl is in making one's selection before walking the full length of the counter. - P.G. Wodehouse **************************************************************** S ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SAN FRANCISCO ------------- 1) When you get tired of walking around San Francisco, you can always lean against it. - 'San Francisco', Transworld Getaway Guide 2) My favorite city is San Francisco, because it's gay. They teach the kids in school: ACDCEFG... - Joan Rivers SCHIZOPHRENIA ------------- 1) I'm schizophrenic - and so am I! - Anon 2) Two in every one people in this country are schizophrenic - Graffito 3) You're never alone with schizophrenia. - Badge, London 4) Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I! - Billy Connolly SCHOOL ------ 1) O vain futile frivolous boy. Smirking. I won't have it. I won't have it. I won't have it. Go find the headmaster and ask him to beat you within an inch of your life. And say please. - Alan Bennett 2) ERNIE: They must have thought you were very clever at school. ERIC: They did. Every time the teacher asked a question, I was the first to put up my hand. ERNIE: That WAS clever. ERIC: You bet - by the time I got back, the question had been answered. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 3) SKOOL FOOD Or the piece of cod which passeth understanding. - Geoffrey Willans and Ronald Searle SCIENCE AND SCIENTISTS ---------------------- 1) A drug is a substance that when injected into a guinea pig produces a scientific paper. - Anon SELF-DEFENSE ------------ 1) I can take care of myself. In case of danger I have this cutlass that I carry around with me...and in case of a real emergency, I press the handle and it turns into a cane so I can get sympathy. - Woody Allen 2) I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. - Woddy Allen SELLING ------- 1) JANUARY COVER: If You Don't Buy This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog. 2) FEBRUARY EDITORIAL PAGE: Remember it? The dog that was going to be killed if you didn't buy the issue? You people are really incredible. You had us kill that sweet pooch. And don't for a minute go blaming us. We held the gun, but you sure as hell pulled the trigger...though there are those among you who did buy three or four issues to take up whatever slack existed. Those people are to be commended. But it wasn't enough. It was for everyone to pull his or her share. And you didn't. - National Lampoon THE SENATE ---------- - The Official Senate should be locked in the Official Cabinet. - Richard McRae 1) Office hours are from twelve to one with an hour off for lunch. - George S. Kauffman SEX --- - There's nothing wrong with sex on T.V., if you don't fall off. - Richard McRae - What every man secretly want is a 21 year old virgin hooker. - Richard McRae 1) Sex is bad for one. But it's good for two. - T-shirt, London 2) I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people, between five, it's fantastic... - Woody Allen 3) I finally had an orgasm...and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind. - Woody Allen 4) Is sex dirty? If it's done right. - Woody Allen 5) I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. And the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. - Tallulah Bankhead 6) There's a sexual revolution going on, and I think that with our current foreign policy, we'll probably be sending troops in there any minute to break it up. - Mel Brooks 7) Oral sex is so great because it combines the two things guys like the most: doing nothing and having sex. If I could watch football during it I could die a happy man. - Platypus Man 8) The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. - Truman Capote 9) I like having sex with petite women. It's like masturbating, only you have someone to talk to. - Truman Capote 10) At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarrette. - Rodney Dangerfield 11) If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. - Rodney Dangerfield 12) a woman occasionally is quite a servicable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. - Karl Kraus 13) I like girls who do, I like girls who don't; I hate the girl who says she will And then she says she won't. But the girl that I like best of all And I think you'll say I'm right - Is the one who says she never has But looks as though she... 'Ere, listen... - Max Miller 14) If all the girls attending the Yale prom where laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised. - Dorothy Parker 15) To err is human - but it feels divine - Mae West SEX EDUCATION ------------- 1) My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. - Bob Hope SEXUAL PERVERSION ----------------- 1) An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Once said, 'There's something I do know: A woman is fine And a sheep is divine, But a llama is Numero Uno!' - Anon 2) I had to give up masochism - I was enjoying it too much... - Mel Calman SILENCE ------- - All men know HOW to say nothing, few men know WHEN. - Richard McRae 1) Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley 2) Silence is one of the hardest arguements to refute. - Josh Billings 3) A man is known by the silence he keeps. - Oliver Herford 4) Silence - the most perfect expression of scorn. - George Bernard Shaw SINCERITY --------- 1) It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw SKIING ------ 1) I went skiing last week and broke a leg. Fortunately, it wasn't mine. - Anon SLEEP ----- 1) No civilized person goes to bed the same day he gets up. - Richard Harding Davis 2) The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more. - Max Kauffmann 3) 12:35 pm - The phone rings. I am not amused. This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish. - Fran Lebowitz SMELLS ------ 1) I did not realize what it had done to my breath - one doesn't with garlic - until this afternoon when I stood waiting for somebody to open a door for me and suddenly I noticed that the varnish on the door was bubbling. - Frank Muir SMOKING ------- 1) As ye smoke, so shall ye reek - Anon 2) I read in the Reader's Digest that cigarettes are bad for you. So I had to give up reading the Reader's Digest. - Anon SNOBBERY -------- 1) FIRST LADY: Breeding isn't everything, it it? SECOND LADY: No, but it's lots of fun. - Joey Adams 2) A certain amount of judicious snobbery is quite a good thing, besides being amusing. - A. L. Rowse SPACE ----- 1) Space...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's along way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. - Douglas Adams, 'The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy' 2) Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards. - Sir Fred Hoyle STUPIDITY --------- 1) GEORGE: Gracie, let me ask you something. Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby? GRACIE: Oh, no, we couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it. GEORGE: You had a smart mother. GRACIE: Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - George Burns and Gracie Allen 2) GROUCHO MARX:...you've got the brains of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. - S.J. Perelman and others 3) ...she does not understand the concept of Roman Numerals. She thought that we just fought World War Eleven. - Joan Rivers SUCCESS ------- 1) Behind every successful man there stands an amazed woman - Anon 2) If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields 3) The worst part about having success is to try finding someone who is happy for you. - Bette Midler SUICIDE ------- - To me, suicide has always been the wimpy way of handling life. If you don't have the guts to handle life, what makes you think you'll be able to handle death? - Richard McRae 1) Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has gotten so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time. - P.J. O'Rourke SURVIVAL -------- 1) He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive. - Joseph Heller SWEARING -------- - There are very few times in life when swearing actually helps a conversation, most times it just makes it sound as if the speaker couldn't think of a better way to get his point across. As a result, constant swearing gives someone the appearance of low intellect, as if the couldn't think of anything better to say. - Richard McRae - What is 'Heck?' It's where you go if you don't believe in Gosh. - Richard McRae 1) Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting. - Finley Peter Dunne 2) HECK ON EARTH: Heck is a place where God sends people when they say things like 'Aw, shoot' instead of 'shit'. Visionaries see it as a warm cloakroom, or perhaps a bus terminal at 3:00 a.m. in August. - Michael McCormick SWIMMING -------- 1) The Polish swimmer made it to the half-way mark. That was where he decided that he couldn't make it the rest of the way, so he swam back. - Anon 2) GREENSLADE: Ten miles he swam - the last three were agony. SEAGOON: They were over land. Finally I fell in a heap on the ground. I've no idea who left it there. - Spike Milligan, The Goon Show